I totally understand feeling alone, and being soooo happy to find a guy who can make you feel wanted and who can give you attention - even when its interspersed with meanness and a resulting mound of sadness. Sometimes it is hard to give up the good stuff even if the bad stuff is really bad, so you stick with him. The good parts are just too good to give up.
Everyone here is right, he is NOT dating material, his behavior is not caring toward you. He is treating you as a thing. If you do decide you cant give him up, understand that you are choosing pain for yourself, because its not going to stop. He is not going to get nicer, even when you lose weight. In fact, if you do lose the weight, he will read that as that he can successfully control you, and you can bet your life he will exercise that control as it pleases him. I dont see how you could ever build more self-esteem in that sort of an environment.
You need to choose to have things be better for you. Again if you cant bring yourself to part with him, you have to face that you are choosing to be treated like crap. I am saying that with care, I know it sounds harsh.
You seem like such a sweet, wonderful person, and while there are ****LOADS of shallow, cruel people out there who will reject you for how you look, YOU should be looking for the rare jewel of a person- wouldnt you want that ANYway, no matter how you look? Even when Im 120lbs, I dont want to date a guy who only dates skinny girls. I want someone who is stronger and has more depth than that.
I wish you all the best, I hope you find someone who makes you feel good about yourself and your relationship.
I know this has been said but I want to re-enforce it. YOU NEED TO DUMP HIM AND DO IT NOW! Don't even bother meeting him, don't even bother talking to him.
I have always been an internet freak - yes a freak. I was probably one of the nerdiest girls in my high school (thought I never looked it) - I used to spend hours and hours on chat rooms and MSN and this and that chatting with people. I don't know why I did it but my best guess was because they didn't know if I was fat. So I could chat with guys and they would like I was so cool and this and that.
You don't know this guy it is an internet relationship and he is trying to change you. He is controlling and is trying to control you over the internet. GET OUT NOW!!!! I have a very controlling step father; however, he is also a great man. And this guy your with sounds more controlling then my step father... anyway my step father controlled my mom to the point where she spent all day drinking her life away. Yes he is a great man and he has changed now - they are still together and I am happy to say that TONIGHT my mom will accept her chip for not having a drink in one year. BUT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH A MAN LIKE THAT! You do not want to have this man raise your children.. I KNOW! I am 20 years old, this man raised me from the age of 9. AGAIN he is a great man deep down but he really hurt me and I have a lot of negavtive feelings towards him and it is not a good thing and it is not healthy!
I just can not stress this enough. I know what it is like to grow up fat (being overweight from about age 6 months) - I know what it is like to go through high school being the fat girl and unpopular and I know what it is like when I a guy shows intrest. YOU DROP everything to keep his intrest. That is what it is like being the fat girl. You take whatever you can get.
Thinking back on it now... I once chatted with a guy online for hours and hours a day. He told me he was in love with me and I was the best person in the world, etc, etc. Perhaps the only reason I chatted with him was because he made me feel so good about myself. By no means was this a good looking guy. In fact it was rather gross that his teeth were falling out of his mouth. But this is besides the point. He lived not far from me so I went and met him (with friends of course) anyway long story short within a week of meeting me and seeing me for the first time he decided that "he didn't like me at all" and never wanted to talk to me again. Was this because I was fat? Who knows. My best guess is that it was. And I was so upset.. even though deep down I didn't like the guy.
Well I want to tell you - that you don't need to just "take whatever you can get". There are guys out there who will love you for you and this guy does not. No man should ever tell you to lose weight. If he loves you it shouldn't matter if you weigh 1000 pounds (well of course, he maybe want you to lose weight because he wants to stay around longer to spend more time with you) - but if he is worrid that his friends will think less of him because of what you look like? KICK HIM OUT THE DOOR!
You sound like a really amazing person and you do not need that. In no way is he helping you by telling you that you need to lose weight. That is NOT helping you no matter you think. It is making it worse. It depresses you and causes strss on you that you do not need. In turn that makes you take your depression, etc in other feelings (like my mom did with her drinking).
Anyway I am going to stop now. I feel like I can go on forever about this. Sorry for rambling but PLEASE PLEASE DUMP HIM!
It sounds like he is holding you to different standards then he is holding himself. He expects you to love him just the way he is even though he doesn't think he is very attractive, yet he expects you to change for him . . . that just doesn't add up.
It sounds like he has very low self-esteem and he sees you as a "fixer-upper". He doesn't have the confidence to go out and get the kind of girl he thinks he wants so he finds someone who has the right qualities that he can mold into what he wants. He probably figures that you have low enough self-esteem to feel like you don't have other options.
I am actually going through a similar thing, but from a different perspective. My BF, who I have been with for about 5 years, prefers me fat and doesn't think he will still be attracted to me if I lose too much weight. It is really hard. Different people have different value systems - what is important to one person isn't the same thing that is important to another. If you being thin is really important to him then you need to decide if you hold that same value. I am still struggling with how to handle it myself. If I come up with anything else I'll let you know.
Not really anything new to add - just ditto to everything that everyone's said. You deserve far more than someone who won't accept you for who you are - if you can't begin a relationship on even footing than there's no way it'll ever be an equal partnership. And never, ever try to change yourself for someone else - if you do it, do it for you. There are people out there who aren't hung up on weight, and I'm sure you'll find someone who can love you whether you're overweight or not. I wasn't overweight when I met my boyfriend, but I've gained 50 pounds since we started seeing each other five years ago, and he's still here. And he's happy that I'm losing weight, but he's never made me feel that changes in my weight would change how he feels about me. that's love, when you can accept someone for who they are and how they look, not when you can only accept parts of them. I hope you can let him go, and work on getting healthier for you, not for some guy - we'll all be here for you!
Control Freak Alert. I would tell him that you have quit dieting because the pressure of all this has made it too stressful. Then sit back and see how long it takes him to hit the road and find someone else to boost his pathetic ego. Sorry, but I've been mistreated by men before because of my weight and I have learned a lot. You will never be able to lose the weight and live happily with someone like this because he'll always be critical and cause you to regain it. No man is worth this abuse. Lose the weight for yourself and no one else and then you will be happy with yourself and attract the kind of man who will love and respect you. You deserve this and not this pathetic loser. A true man will love you when you are large or small.
You spend all day cleaning the house and he comes home and says "Why is there dirt on the floor over here! Why didn't you clean it up! And you missed a spot with the vaccum! Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that? What do you do today? Lay on the couch and sleep?" Nothing will ever been good enough no matter how hard you try.
And to the kids he looks at their report card, they have 7 A's, 1 B and 1 C+. And he says to them "humph, why did you get a C+ I thought I told you to do your homework?" He doesn't even see the A's his eye go straight for the B and C.
Belive me - I know. I am speaking from experience. And now we all know why my mom drank
I hope i don't get criticized for what I say, but, here goes...
Yes it's true that he should accept you the way you are. And I'm sure many agree that he's being a jerk, but he's not exactly wrong either. Are you on a diet/fitness regimen right now? If you are, you're taking care of yourself! If you get lazy and overeat, it's not just your physical appearance that changes, your personality changes as well. Do you think your boyfriend really wants to hear you complain about how your "fat" jeans, or any jeans for that matter, don't fit anymore? Does he want to hear you complain about how other girls look so much better than you? It is the truth...when we're bigger, we're harder on ourselves, which in turn lowers our self-esteem, and that in turn hurts our relationships and attitudes. Plus, you'll want to validate your weight gain...you really think he wants to talk about that bikini that won't fit?
Weight gain, unfortunately, comes with new unattractive behavior most of the time. Your job (with OR without him) is to take care of you and your body. I mean, isn't that why we're all here? To learn to take care of ourselves?
By no means am I saying you should lose weight for HIM. You should lose weight for YOU. I'm saying all this because while I was with my ex-boyfriend, he gained weight. I didn't care about his physical appearance at all - I loved him no matter what. But after a while I got SICK of eating and being lazy, rather than going on bike rides or going for walks or just going out and having plain fun...it all stopped when he gained the weight. That in turn made me less attracted to him. Not to mention I gained weight as well. Now I'm stuck losing it.
I hope you decide on what's best and good for YOU. If he keeps nagging you, or telling you that you need to be a certain weight that ISN'T ideal for you, you need to talk to him and tell him to back off. If he can't respect you then, forget him and continue to focus on yourself.
Weight gain, unfortunately, comes with new unattractive behavior most of the time.
I won't criticize you because much of what you say is true--I'm just not sure it applies in this particular situation. The only comments I have are:
She didn't gain weight and become unattractive (physically or behaviorally) after meeting him--this is how she has been ever since he's known her, so if she had annoying behaviors related to her weight, he should comment on THOSE and not the specific number on her scale.
Even skinny girls complain about their bodies. Men have practically come to expect the, "Do I look fat in these jeans?" type of questions regardless of a woman's weight Show me a woman who is 100% happy with her body and appearance 100% of the time, and I'll show you a woman on some pretty damn good drugs
I would like to know why a guy who obviously thinks so little of himself simultaneously thinks that he's godlike enough to tell a woman he DOESN'T EVEN KNOW to contort her body around to please him.
I totally agree with what's been said-- you deserve a good guy no matter what size you are, you should lose weight for yourself, your future and your health if you are overweight, and that if this guy is trying to fit you into Barbie mold already there will never be an end to how he'll want you to change.
BB... pretty much what Courtnie said. And I don't think the issue is really your weight. This guy is obviously dangerous and controlling! You need to GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP NOW! I agree... don't even meet him. You are placing yourself and those around you in danger!!
Believe me I understand all about guys who "smooze" you on the Internet. Been there, done that, learned a few lessons along the way. Please be careful. You yourself described his manner as cruel, angry and threatening. This is NOT appropriate and I repeat... he could be DANGEROUS!!!
As an overweight person we feel that we don't deserve to be loved. That we have to accept whatever we are offered because we don't want to be alone. Being alone when you need to be with someone is hard. We all need companinonship no matter what anyone says. When people treat us like your boyfriend is treating you, it makes us even more insecure. Sometimes by treating you badly he can make himself feel better. If you are constantly acting like you don't deserve him. He will treat you like you don't deserve him.
I am not going to suggest that you dump him because if you wanted to do that you would not have had to ask the question to begin with. You are obviously very upset about this. But just temporarly pull back, don't be available to talk to him everytime he calls, (and yes I know how hard that will be) if he wants to come then maybe put if off for just a bit, stay busy,
Go out, with friends, have a great time with out him for awhile, Then when you finally have time for him, maybe he will appriciate what he has. You are the same person fat or thin. You deserve to be happy. I think he is just so insecure about his apperance that he has to bring you down, so he feels he deserves you. People always want what they can't have. Make him appriciate what he has, by not caring what he thinks. Be the beautiful confident woman that you are. If you beleive you are beautiful everyone else including him will too. I have been heavy all of my life, I have never had trouble attracting a man. It is not about what you look like but the way you carry yourself. Carry yourself like you are queen, and people will treat you like one.
Kathy
He sounds like bad news (I agree with the posters above) - but the implication he is from another country raises another huge red flag to me. He could see you as his ticket to US citizenship. Watch out.
Show me a woman who is 100% happy with her body and appearance 100% of the time, and I'll show you a woman on some pretty damn good drugs 
