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Old 03-31-2006, 10:41 AM   #1
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First off let me say, I love my bf and I know he loves me very much. We have a good relationship, we have our ups and downs just like everyone else, but there is just something that bothers me and i just really want to get over it.

I have really big insecurity issues. I think my bf contributed a bit to making me be this way. When we go out, he is always checking out other girls. I wouldn't mind so much but the boy stares!! He says he doesn't do it on purpose, he just has a staring problem and that his mom is the exact same way. I've told him that that it does hurt my feelings and it makes me feel like s*** when he does it right in front of me. I'm not saying I'm innocent because I have checked out guys but at least I have the decency not to do it in front of his face!! When he does it, it makes me feel like I don't look good enough to hold his attention. And I feel so bad that it has gotten to the point that I sometimes dread going out with him, especially to clubs (i.e. skanky girls in tiny outfits!!).

I do admit that I have gotten better and I don't let it bother me so much. But what I'm scared of is that after I lose all this weight and am truly comfortable with myself, am I going to care that my bf looks at other girls? I really hope I don't because to me, it's such a petty thing to get upset about. I know it hurts so much right now because I'm overweight and not happy with the way I look. I know his problem won't go away, but will my insecurities go away after I reach my goal??

Has anyone else felt this way before?? If yes, how did you deal with it??
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Old 03-31-2006, 11:06 AM   #2
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In a nutshell, boys are boys...

I know it sucks...but boys are boys...they are visual creatures and will always look when a pretty girl is in the room.

Once when we were dating (we are now married), DH made a comment about how awesome a girl looked that he worked with(the comment had something to do with her butt and it was obvious he had looked at it quite a bit)...it upset me greatly and i told him how disrespectful it was to make these comments right in front of me. He saw how upset it made me and hasn't made a comment like that since.

Now, he still notices when a girl is in the room that is attractive, but as long as it doesn't take away from our conversation or something like that, I don't have a problem with it. He knows where the line is and I won't put up with it.

I guess one thing you can do is jokingly make a comment: "did you get a good look at the color of her shirt?" or something like that...or "her shirt's not going to get any more blue. You might as well stop looking and listen to our conversation".

Do I still feel insecure? of course I do a little bit. most females do but the things you are doing good for your body are helping, day by day...

But you'll notice as you continue to lose weight that you will begin to feel so much more sexy and your BF will pick up on your new confidence. Guys think that is sexy...

not sure if this has helped or not, but you are definitely not alone!
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Old 03-31-2006, 11:09 AM   #3
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Until you are confindent in yourself it wont go away.
You have to know that hes with you now.
If he wants someone else then he wasnt meant to be.
You need to think im good enough for him and thats all that matters.
You can sit and wonder if he is or he isnt looking,
He could just as well be thinking about other girls but why waste your time worrying, your only hurting yourself in the long run.
Give him that confindent person everyone likes to have by their side.
Live your life like tommorows the last day , dont worry , dont stress.
Your only making things harder on yourself.
The one thing I learned is when I feel good about myself I dont care what other people think and you shouldnt..
Men are just the peanut butter to your PB & J sandwich if its good then its a great sandwich if its not then junk it and try another flavor.
HEAD UP THERE GIRLFIREND
Live loud and proud and just have fun !!!!!
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Old 03-31-2006, 11:19 AM   #4
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That is not petty to me and I doubt you will feel differently when you lose weight. You'll still be the same person and it'll still hurt. He needs to be a little more sensitive. I know that men can't help themselves sometimes but I think he knows what he is doing and is using his staring "problem" as an excuse to disrespect you. I don't think you should have to deal with anything. He is the one with the problem, not you.
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Old 03-31-2006, 11:46 AM   #5
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Does he maybe think he's being subtle but isn't? Me being me I would probably comment every single time I noticed him noticing.... nothing snarky or cruel, just a comment like "yeah, she's kind of hot" or "she's cute, but I think my boobs are better". He needs to know that you notice him noticing and he needs to know that it bugs you. I don't care if my man looks, but it's disresepectful to do it in a way that is hurtful to me. I can look without being obvious, and so can you, and so can he... if he wanted to.

My two cents...

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Old 03-31-2006, 12:13 PM   #6
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My BF doesn't look at other girls, as far as I can tell. I'll watch him to see and I haven't ever seen him do it. Also, if I mention something about someone, he'll be like "huh? what? who?", so either he is really good at pretending he didn't notice or he doesn't look. I know he likes certain type of women because I can see it from the choices of movies he likes to watch. He likes women who are strong and independant and can kick some major butt. I did get offended when I shouldn't have one day when he made a comment while we were watching charlie's angels. I took it one way and he said he didn't mean it that way. I was feeling insecure and here are girls wearing skimpy outfits on this movie, so during the rest of the movie, he'd cover his eyes through parts that were a little risque. I thought it was cute and dumb at the same time, but he wanted me to know he wasn't watching the movie to see them in skimpy outfits.
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Old 03-31-2006, 12:26 PM   #7
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I know I am a very jealous person but I am lucky, my boyfriend tends to not look at girls - I dont think he really cares.

The thing I always remember - He loved me at 215 pounds - so he doesnt really care about how fat I am. He loves me for me and that is all that matters. If he wanted a little skinny hot girl in a skanky outfit he would have never gone out with me in the first place.

And no matter how skinny I get he will love me for me. And when all the guys start checking me out when I am 130 pounds I will spit in their face (not really) because they would of never even looked at me when I was 215.

He loves me for who I am; not what I look like.

Remember that.
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Old 03-31-2006, 12:32 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky13
In a nutshell, boys are boys...
Boys are boys, yes, but that doesn't mean they have to be stupid about it.

My husband looks at girls, I'm sure. And it doesn't bother me. I know he looks at porn as well, he tells me about it and that doesn't bother me either. I know guys, whether they're in a satisfying relationship or not, need those visuals and spend time alone doing their thing. I perfectly understand that.

However, to sit and stare at another chick with their tongues hanging out, IN FRONT of their girlfriend/wife is another story. If my husband sees an attractive woman, he may even comment on her with me there. And I'll look too. And I'll say, "Yes, she's very attractive," and we both leave it at that. He appreciates attractive women and there's nothing wrong with that. But he doesn't sit there and say, "OMG, she's hot," or something like that. If he comments on an attractive woman, he'll then look at me with a smile and say, "But you're more beautiful than she is."

Now, whether he actually MEANS that or not (lol) I don't know. It's possible he does. He told me I was beautiful even when I was fat. But he's respectful of ME.

A level of respect has to be there. If my husband was like that and would give me the excuse that he has some sort of a "problem" and that his mother is the same way, I'd smack him.

Last edited by LLV : 03-31-2006 at 12:41 PM.
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Old 03-31-2006, 12:34 PM   #9
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If you dont like the way you look then yes you are making it worse for yourself. I was 313 pounds and I hated myself always thought I looked gross and felt gross. I still feel uncomfortable with my body but it does get better and you dont have to have hit your goal to feel better about yourself.
I havent and I do feel a whole lot better , its when im not treating myself good that I feel bad. So start with yourself. If you dont love yourself, How do you exspect someone else to. Little things like able to actually cross my legs made me feel wonderful, Being able to run felt awsome. And that made me feel good about myself and love myself for being able to accomplish those small victorys.
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Old 03-31-2006, 01:16 PM   #10
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well here's how I see it-from a guys view. I know people and maybe mostly women would say i'm lying but I'm not-I don't do it. Yes I look and I look if my wife is there-but i don't drool or lick my lips. I think its human nature for us to look-both men at women and women at men. I think its a bit of a double standard in some regards but men have brought some of it on to themselves. Women look and think "hmmm thats a nice looking guy". Men look and think "hmmm i'd like to nail that." He may look no matter what you weigh-maybe thats just him. If it becomes a trust thing its going to cause problems. Maybe you have to give him the benefit of the doubt here since you know him best and can trust that it is only a staring problem. Communication is the key.
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Old 03-31-2006, 02:03 PM   #11
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Hey all. Thanks for all you input.

I guess this is just another one of bf's bad habits that I need to learn to live with. It's ok, just as long as he is just looking and not touching!!! I shouldn't take it so personal, because it is true...he's with me.

Thanks again!!
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Old 03-31-2006, 03:04 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bullseye
well here's how I see it-from a guys view. I know people and maybe mostly women would say i'm lying but I'm not-I don't do it. Yes I look and I look if my wife is there-but i don't drool or lick my lips. I think its human nature for us to look-both men at women and women at men. I think its a bit of a double standard in some regards but men have brought some of it on to themselves. Women look and think "hmmm thats a nice looking guy". Men look and think "hmmm i'd like to nail that."
I dunno, I've caught myself thinking that before too, lol.

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Oh the things that go through my head when I see a babe. But... we won't go there!
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