[Damsil]

Like the title tag says...I am so ashamed of myself. I have let myself down again.

Just before Christmas I set a goal for myself....I was doing good but then it all went south. Yeah, The first day or two after falling off of the wagon I felt bad about it, but by day three I had fallen right back into my old habits and haven't looked back. Well, not until today.

I engaged to a wonderful guy. Everything I could have ever dreamed of in a mate. Accepts me as I am, is sensitvie to my feelings, is romantic, the whole nine yards.

I don't want to make this long so I 'll give you all the abbreviated version. I am a truck driver by profession. I fell off of my truck last April and sustained a serious knee injury that required two surgeries. I am still in lots of pain and have been getting injections in my knee to try and prevent having to get another surgery. Today I went for my second of five injections and was actually feeling better.

Well, the honey came home today and I was telling him about my day and how good I was feeling. He dared to approach the subject that I never thought was going to be an issue between us...He said.." I think it would help your knee if you could start walking more...If you could lose some of the extra weight you're carrying it might help with you healing process.

I'm not angry at him for saying it. He's right. I am angry with myself darn it!!! I am angry that I was hiding behind his gentle nature and using it as a crutch. I'm angry for using someone I love for my own personal self destrcution. I'm angry for not caring enough about myself. I'm just plain ole angry!!!!

Why am I so weak? Why can't I get a grip and give myself what I'm desering of?...good health.

Oh gee wiz! I tell myslef I can do it anytime I am ready...except I keep changing my mind about when I am ready.

I need a coach. I need someone to keep me accountable. I need the threat of public humiliation held over my head..(I saw that one on TV)...I need someone in my life who will keep me honest and not by into any of my sad excuses or lies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that just hurt! Ok I'm done venting. I will be back. I need you guys more than you'll ever know.

[Clareh]

You've not let yourself down. You're doing something about it already by posting here. You've got your own coach- I'm sure no- one will be harder on you than you are on yourself!

Good luck and keep posting.

[hoodj0080]

Your honey sounds like he loves you alot! He's also very brave, lol, to say that to you. Could you two walk together? Also, buddy up with someone here. There's lots of great people. I'd check it out under the dieting with obstacles forum. Good luck to you!!!

[Glory87]

PM me if you want me to help you stay accountable. I'm pretty strict and have very definite views on long term weight loss goals and healthy eating.

Step 1 - don't beat yourself up. It is not a test you can only take one time and if you fail it's over. Every day is a new chance, every meal is a new opportunity.

[annk]

I, too, fell off the wagon post Christmas and haven't dared weigh myself in months since I know I gained back a sizable portion of the 35 pounds I worked so hard to lose, But, like you, I'm back here and trying to get back on the horse. The first steps back on track are the hardest! You can do it! For your fiance, your life together, your health and just FOR YOURSELF!

Wish me luck, too! Day three of getting back on track!

Ann

[Shanice Crawford]

Damsil please don't be so down on yourself. You should be proud of the accomplishments that you've already made. I'm not being down on myself when I don't lose weight or gain 3 pounds back you should not be so down on yourself its not good for your self esteem promise me you're not going to be always depressed about what you have no control over. Listen to me Damsil all you can do is continue to do the best you can and that is all you can do don't try to be a perfectionist I"m not saying that you are one but don't try to perfect everything you do its always good to be ordinary.

Take Care

[Damsil]

No a perfectionist I am not...lol A Little anal about the house keeping thing but far from a perfectionist in my personal life struggles.

I really do know and understand that beating myself up is a no go. It's just all of the emotional stuff that I'm so good at bottling up came rushing to the surface all at the same time. I'd like to believe that I am intelligent enough to recognize that my weight issues are related to my emotional state rather than my poor eating habits, which happen to stem from all of the emotional stuff. See the pattern? It's a vicious cycle isn't it?

I felt somewhat better once I vented in my post. Once my little outburst was over I had a long talk with myself. Who I am is not defined by the size of my hips or the number on the scale. There is more to me than the fact that I happen to be fat. I'm a good mother, a fantasic grandmother, a devoted daughter to my parents, and loving a doting mate to my honey...who, yes, happens to love me alot..and who absolutely has to be one of the bravest men I know for even thinking to approach the "weight" issue with me. But, I do thank him for that. You see I realize that he cares about me and that should be motivation enough for me...but unfortunatley it isn't.

I have to find my strentgh again. I know I put it somewhere I just forget where.......So I start again....

Thanks for the words of encouragement.....and for thaking the time to read my rant. LOL...I'll come back to earth sooner or later and I promise I'll have found my groove again.