new and need to change.
My name is Nancy, I am 37 and a mother to 4. I've been married for going on 14 years and needless to say, I look nothing like what I did when I married.
When I was a teenager and into my early 20's I was what I would call a functioning anorexic. I would go weeks without food, but I never had to be hospitalized. During those times it was like my personality would change, I would become reckless and well, not a person I would like to be.
Now, I am a binger. When I eat I feel like I am wrapping a thick comforter around me. How insane is that? It is how I treat myself. I guess I am the stereotypical mom who doesn't do for herself, and somehow buying myself food doesn't seem selfish like a manicure would.
And now I did the worse thing possible. I have given my eating habits to my daughters. They are 9 and 12 and both are overweight. I feel so horribly guilty about that. I took my 9 year old shopping for a Christmas outfit for her school program ---- all the pants looked so tight on her. It was frustrating for both of us, especially since I know that I am the one in control of the food she eats, it is my fault that she is heavy. Not the stores for not stocking plus size clothes in the girls dept.
I know I have to change. I have gained close to 10 pounds in the last 6 months, and at the rate I have been eating, it'll be another 10 prior to February. What am I going to do? I need to change, change everything from the way I eat, the way I think about food and the way I avoid excercise. Heck, the way I avoid life.
I am afraid that once I start dieting, I'll go overboard and do the anorexic thing again, definatly not something I want to role model for my dds. Definately not something I want to go into again.
How should I start? I really need support. I feel so alone in this. My sister is overweight and happy to stay that way. My mom is obese, and whenever she hears I am dieting she buys me tons of chocolates. My dh is supportive, but somehow thats not the same.......I think because I know I want to please him, I know that he is not attracted to me anymore. He hasn't said anything except asks me if I want to ride the bike etc....in a nice way I should add. But our love life has gone down to maybe twice a month. Even if try to come on to him, he is not interested. Too tired he says.
I need to change myself. I just don't know how.