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Old 12-06-2005, 01:59 PM   #1
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After reading the thread about Bob Barker and the Price is Right, it got me wondering about my dating hang-ups and I thought I'd pose this question.

I'd like to start dating again (divorced about 2.5 years ago) but have a hang up about my looks. I'm around 204 now and wear mostly missy size 16 but a few 14's of mine still fit. All I see when I look in the mirror is my post divorce weight. I don't see my attractive face, or my stellar personality because, as pointed out in the Price is Right thread, EVERYONE is fixed on size.

Thinking about posting on e-harmony or looking around for dates is usually stopped short becauase I'm not "perfect" in my own eyes. Any of you single girls go through this? Any of you now with a SO deal with this once upon a time? Any coping ideas?

Emily
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:08 PM   #2
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Well ... take a look at this thread that I started on this very board: A Lesson in Body Image.

And ... for those of you who may be interested in an update ... yes, I still see "Dennis" occasionally, and he's just as, um, attentive.
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:15 PM   #3
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Go 'head with your bad self, funniegrrl...
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Old 12-06-2005, 02:55 PM   #4
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MOwriter,

I can relate because I put this extra weight on after a stressful break-up of a long-term relationship....I don't feel *attracive* at all, I only see the extra wt. and don't project myself positively.

does your mood correspond with the number on the scale? Mine does, it's like the scale dictates my life...along with what fits me that day.
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Old 12-06-2005, 04:35 PM   #5
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I was 260 odd pounds when my relationship of five years broke up. I was devastated (I had not long miscarried and he had had an affair - it was like something out of Days of Our Lives for a few months)

Anyways, accidentally I met a man on the internet. A thin man. In another country. And part of me though "you're too fat, too ugly and have too much baggage" (about myself not him!!!) but he saw pics of me, and you know what, he didn't see my big tummy or big hips, or fat be-hind. He saw my eyes, my smile, my *cough* chest, and didn't care about all the other stuff.

Size is irrelevant at the end of the day. The only person who will be held back by your size is you, if you feel unconfident, then that is what you will project. Concentrate on your good features, and forget the rest!
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Old 12-06-2005, 06:10 PM   #6
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I read the thread funniegrrl sent the link to. Thanks. It's good to remember this is universal with all women. I know I'm attractive, kind, and have a lot going for me. I would like to get to the place where I don't focus on the flab.
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Old 12-06-2005, 11:33 PM   #7
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I've been dealing with this a lot lately, too. I've been overweight my whole life, and have let it keep me from having relationships. I felt badly about myself and so didn't understand why guys would want to date me. Looking back, I think my attitude kept them away much more than my body did. Now that I'm approaching average size, I'm finding that I get lots more attention from guys. Frankly, after 33 years, it's kind of unnerving.

I'm still learning how to date and have a long way to go. For now, I'm adopting a "fake it til you feel it" approach, concentrating on acting more confident and outgoing than I feel. It's getting easier, and I have a date this weekend and one next week - so something must be going right

All that rambling to say: Yep. This is kind of a tough thing. Hang in there, though. I've heard it's worth it in the long run.

cheers!
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Old 12-07-2005, 02:14 AM   #8
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I've been very overweight for pretty much all of my life. Four years ago, at the age of 35 (having never been married, and almost resigned to becoming crazy cat lady), I met my husband through a city newspaper/internet ad. I placed the ad so I could do the choosing, and hopefully feel less rejected. I was upfront about my size and the fact that I was dieting (I didn't want to attract men who were only attraced to large women) and listed some of my interests and that I wanted to meet a nice guy, big or small.

I got a lot of responses, but none that were right for me (some even a bit weird, and I was glad that I'd gone through a phone message service so none would have my name or address).

When my now husband responded, I had already given up on finding anyone normal from the ad, and didn't respond for several weeks, but there was just something about his phone message, so casual and sweet, that led me to take one more chance. Our first phone call lasted over three hours, and so did our second and third, and once we met, we saw each other almost every day.

I think both of us were so gun-shy, that although we were always with or on the phone with each other, for the first month, neither of us was really sure whether we were dating or just friends. Out of frustration, I finally asked him if we were dating or not (I mean, not so much as a good night kiss, a girl has got to wonder).

A personal ad was right for us, because we are so different on the surface (but so similar in personality) I don't think we would have met any other way.
I would have never seen him as my soul mate, if I had met him in person before having 10 - 15 hours of phone conversations first.

BTW, both of us weight about 350 lbs. (He at least is about 6'3" or so), and it isn't as though he isn't attractive to thin women. He has this biker viking look with teddy bear eyes and soft voice, and a lot of women (especially asian women for some reason) flirt with him right in front of me. He's so cute, he doesn't even notice until I point it out. Well anyway, back to topic.
You never know when you will find love, and you don't have to be perfect to catch the eye (or ear) of your soulmate.

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Old 12-07-2005, 07:04 AM   #9
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Believe it or not, there are men in this world that like women with curves. Some men are just turned off by waif thin chicklets. I met the man I am dating now using Match. I was just coming out of 2 1/2 years of mourning and was scared that I was going to be hurt or at the very least made to feel like I had no business dating because of my weight. When I posted my profile I was honest and up front about who and what I was. I posted realistic photgraphs of my self so that all potential suitors could get the real picture. I was surprised to see just how many responses I received....I went on two dates within three weeks of each other and they were great. No, the guys weren't my match but it was still fun to get out, wet my feet, and have some fun. Also, my reborn fascination with primping, make-up, and fragnance did wonders for my self esteem. Feeling good about myself inside as well out made me more outgoing and more willing to take chances. Of course I met my current on date # 3...........He's 6 ft.......and thin( a 32 in. waist) ! A fat chicks worst nightmare (LOL). But he's perfect cause he likes me for ME and not my dress size. I have found that dating has actually inspired me in my commitment to a healthier lifetyle....
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Old 12-07-2005, 07:43 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MOWriter
Any of you single girls go through this? Any coping ideas?
Yep, going through it. Have been going through it since...ah...1995 or so
. And nope. I have not a single coping idea for you (or me).

Sorry . I guess I'll just have to watch this thread for tips, too!

On a more serious note, I'm a loose size 8 jeans right now and normally I "feel it," am quite comfortable with my body, etc. But put me in a bar/club/social situation and I feel 189+ lbs again. I don't know how to get rid of that feeling.

If you only knew how long it's been since I had a real date...it's PATHETIC...
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Old 12-07-2005, 05:37 PM   #11
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Thanks for the story funniegrrl, Very hopeful.

I must say this thread has helped my nerves about meeting up with a weight watchers group. After not being out socializing in almost 4 years Iím needing all I can get.
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Old 12-07-2005, 06:38 PM   #12
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I used to feel that way about myself -- a fat chick who'd never get a date. But then I started reading about other fat women who were *gasp* married, and it dawned on me that it didn't have to be that way.

I had some reasonable success meeting people once I told myself that there COULD be someone out there for me. But when I posted my profile on an online internet dating service I had a lot of trepidation. Good thing I did though -- I married a great guy I met because of it.

So my piece of advice, whatever your weight, is to see yourself as someone who deserves to find someone who loves you for who you are (fake it if you have to!). That person IS out there, but you may never find him or her if you don't look!
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