Icedragon: you wrote "On Monday i just felt like sticking a sign on my forehead, saying YES i have lost weight, and i plan to lose a little more... SO WHAT!!!!!!! GET OVER IT!"
I just wanted to tack another thought onto what Tealeaf said.
I agree that those of us who have struggled with our weight (myself included) tend to be oversensitive to other people's comments. In my opinion, a big part of the problem is that we can't know exactly HOW other people see us and so we often assume that they are coming from an "she is/was too fat" attitude. For example, it used to drive me CRAZY when my sister (whose "fat" clothes are an 8) would complain about needing to lose 5 pounds
I think, in my honest opinion, 'thin' people will say those things just to piss us off. Not all of them, but some of them. Like when I was heavy, I took my son to a Halloween party that his Aunt Karen throws for all the kids every year. Her daughter-in-law, Tiffany, was there. Beautiful girl, perfect body, sitting with her perfect little friends. And yes, I'll admit, I was jealous of her. She could walk around in a pair of tight jeans and I was floating around in clothes 3 sizes too big, even though I was over 200 pounds. And knowing I was within earshot, they'd all sit there complaining about how fat they were.
It pissed me off royally. Because I KNEW they were doing that just to be spiteful and make me feel bad. Well now I can walk past them in MY tight jeans and it's very odd, they don't complain about being "fat" anymore.
I would be willing to bet that not all of her perfect little friends felt that they were perfect.
I really don't think that most thin people are really capable of putting themselves in the shoes of those of us who have significant weight issues. Maybe the kids were trying to be spiteful, maybe they weren't. I don't know, I wasn't there and in the heads of the girls making those comments. But I do know that it is easy to project one's feelings on to someone else. If you are jealous and angry at someone, it would be very easy to preceive anything they say as being spiteful.
That said, I know that thin people are perfect capable of being mean and spiteful. But still, when they are talking about their weight issues, I think it's more likely that they are trying to take a stab at empathizing with us, if they are thinking about us at all. Which, honestly, I don't think they do most of the time. Most people are alot more self preoccupied than spiteful.
I agree, ANYBODY, can be mean and spiteful. Here is what I've figured out since I've lost weight. Anybody who might have said something negative about my weight (whether it was sugar coated as a compliment or out right mean) didn't like me for one reason or the other. They didn't dislike me because I was fat, they just disliked me period. That is fine by me - there are plenty of people I don't like all that much. Usually, it is just matter of having a personality conflict, nothing nasty. But, if someone happens to be one of those mean, spiteful types then they are aware of how to push people's buttons. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a fat person's sensitive spot is their weight. So, those same people may not have my weight to target anymore but, I assure you, they will still be able to find SOMETHING to take a jab at. I'm not out to win a popularity contest. I try to be the best person I know how to be. That includes being healthy, fit, and happy with myself. That's all I can do. Most of the time I manage to be a decent, caring person but sometimes I fail miserably. I try and remember that when someone rubs me the wrong way. Maybe their behavior is a result of a really rotten day (week, year, life). We all have them. Maybe they are just snotty and judgemental by nature. It doesn't really matter. I have very little control beyond how I treat them so there isn't much sense in wasting time fretting over how they treat me.
phew....alot of great posts!!! I've seen it both ways, a polite remark of 'how good you look' from someone you barely know and another remark that is a backhanded compliment from a loved one. We all like affirmation of how well we are doing and I think at times when we might be frustrated or at a low point...take the comment with too much sensitivity. Come on now.....losing weight, being heavy, over eating, why we eat....are all emotions wrapped up in all of us.
A relative of mine, does this tai chi stuff and on a visit last year, said to me...." if you do this excercise...it will help you lose weight" ....I smiled politely and nodded my head where in fact I wanted to rip out her jugular!!! Nice that she thinks to offer suggestions, maybe I should offer suggestions on how to deal with her constant bad breath? This from a woman (the nursery rhyme "Jack Spratt could eat no fat" comes to mind.....)will sit down to dinner for a nice baked ham and will precisely trim off the 1/8" of fat/rind off the edges. She freaks out if she gains 3 lbs....OH MY!!! You can imagine how happy I am that she is coming to visit at Christmas time this year!!! hmmm, I might be a little bitter still about that one.
I only get annoyed by my Mom's comments -- things like "I knew you would finally be thin one day" and "you must come visit me so I can show you off to my friends."
But then again, for the last 33 years most of her comments have annoyed me .
I do think that thin people judge us as having no willpower. I'm ashamed to say this, but in the interest of being open... when I'm losing weight, sometimes I think to myself,"Why can't that obese person cut out just one soda a day? She'd lose a third of a pound a week and be 15 lbs. lighter every year. It isn't that hard..."
I forget that it is that hard, that I used to drink three cans of pop a day. I remind myself that judging people is rarely the right thing to do, especially when I don't have the perspective that they have. Thin people probably often think the same thing. "Just cut out two hundred calories a day. Just go for one fifteen minute walk a day." As if forming new habits were easy.
Please don't hate me for admitting that I sometimes think this way! I am trying to stop myself from thinking those thoughts. I'm just writing them here so that we can know that thin people think and say stupid things because they don't have our perspective, because they think a lifestyle change is easy, because they either never had to do it, or they've succeeded and now they wonder why someone else can't.
I do think that thin people judge us as having no willpower. I'm ashamed to say this, but in the interest of being open... when I'm losing weight, sometimes I think to myself,"Why can't that obese person cut out just one soda a day? She'd lose a third of a pound a week and be 15 lbs. lighter every year. It isn't that hard..."
I forget that it is that hard, that I used to drink three cans of pop a day. I remind myself that judging people is rarely the right thing to do, especially when I don't have the perspective that they have. Thin people probably often think the same thing. "Just cut out two hundred calories a day. Just go for one fifteen minute walk a day." As if forming new habits were easy.
Please don't hate me for admitting that I sometimes think this way! I am trying to stop myself from thinking those thoughts. I'm just writing them here so that we can know that thin people think and say stupid things because they don't have our perspective, because they think a lifestyle change is easy, because they either never had to do it, or they've succeeded and now they wonder why someone else can't.
I admit I often have similar thoughts. I think it comes from feeling like if I can do it, THEY can do it -- and I'd love to give them a few tips! There was a woman at my gym the other day who was fairly heavy. I was on the elliptical and (since there's nothing else to watch) I was kinda observing her. She was just sort of puttering around, picking up a weight here and there...And all I wanted to do was run over to her and show her what to do!! I felt so frustrated because she OBVIOUSLY has the motivation (she's AT the gym, after all) but I felt like she wasn't getting anywhere. And yesterday, I saw a woman who was probably *officially* obese at the gas station. She was buying 2 Hershey bars. And I thought, "I wonder if she's happy with her weight? I wonder if she's tried to lose?" Now that's actually really none of my business -- but in a weird way I was worried about her...
I don't know if it's so much about judging people as it is feeling like you want other people to succeed in their weight loss, too, because you know just how good it feels and how much every single sacrifice you make is absolutely, positively, 100% WORTH IT.
TBJ333 and LovesBassetts-
I think that that -does- make sense!
It's reasonable to want to give advice or tips or help someone at the gym or think that maybe someone should try a little harder... and it's also reasonable to know that it's not all that easy...
The difference, I think, is the point when someone decides to open up their trap and share their potentionally hurtful thoughts with others.
Yes, we all think things better left unsaid. So do that -- keep it unsaid.
The difference, I think, is the point when someone decides to open up their trap and share their potentionally hurtful thoughts with others.
Yes, we all think things better left unsaid. So do that -- keep it unsaid.
Agreed 100%, definitely. I know if someone had said something to me about "how to lose weight" when I was 189 lbs -- or NOW for that matter -- I would want to SMACK them . Unless, of course, I'd actually ASKED for advice in the first place! I think some people don't see that boundary, though -- the distinction between offering helpful advice when asked and just openly sharing unsolicited opinions/"wisdom". I think this is especially true of relatives who knew you as a little kid and seem to think they can offer you any old advice they want.
Hm, have to agree with a lot of what's been said, and it's really made me think. I think regardless of your weight, a lot of people have a mentality about being 'fat.' So when someone who weighs maybe 130 or 140 lbs says something, and it sounds offensive because you think at least they have it better than some, it's because they are self-critical not critical of others. I do think though that there are angry/mean thin people out there. Like the thin people who REALLY don't eat a lot, to the point of being unhealthy, and then it's not so much that they offer advice that is disheartening but that they think to themselves; it is okay for my fat friend to be fat but not myself, she's just not as smart as me.
I take diet advice from heavier people more seriously I think as well. I know that if I SEE someone is overweight, I know it's probably something they've struggled with, they've probably dieted more than the 'thin' people you see. Even personally I sometimes feel like a fat person living in a thinner body. I know personally my own struggle in my mind, even when others have not seen me at my heaviest of weights. But I think that irregardless of who is making a comment, it is usually with the best intentions. Yes, many thin people have never had weight problems and can be mean and insensitive. But I like many others get comments from my one of my parents a lot, when both of my parents have been very overweight and sometimes obese ever since I was born. I know that it is said with love, not wanting me to suffer in the same ways they have.
Also, can't remember who said it but the mention of the sister who made comments I think was totally appropriate too. I think when a friend who is thinner may comment that THEY need to lose weight, but will assure a more overweight friend that they don't, it's because they really think their friend looks good. That friend does not see me as overweight at all, and their comments about my weight is meant to reassure me and their comments about themselves are because it doesn't matter how thin you are you will always struggle with self-criticism.
Please don't hate me for admitting that I sometimes think this way! I am trying to stop myself from thinking those thoughts.
I perfectly understand and admit to having the same thoughts. Even when I was heavy.
Like one time we went to a huge food buffet. Even when I was heavy I didn't go in making an oinker of myself, I always watched how much I ate (even though, at the time, I was obviously eating more than I needed to) and this woman that sat at the table next to us came back to sit down after getting her food. She was a large woman. Very large. I don't know how much she weighed, probably close to 300 pounds. And her plate was literally PILED a mile high with fried chicken. It almost disgusted me. I remember thinking to myself, my gosh, it's no wonder she's so big, how can any one person eat that much food? She should be ashamed of herself.
But at the same time it made me feel sad. Not only sad for her, but sad that I was even thinking such things because I realized that sometimes people just can't help it. Then it dawned on me that that was the same excuse I used for myself, because yes, people CAN help it. There's no reason in the entire world to eat that much food. She not only ate it all, she went back for seconds. Then had dessert. A plate piled with ice cream over cake.
I felt bad for the way I was thinking, but that was just plain crazy. Then I went home and took a look at myself in the mirror and realized I wasn't too far off from that myself
One time a salesperson walked up to me in the street! I was about 200 pounds and at the time, i was ok with that weight! and this person was walking around handing out leaflets on nutri-slim (or something like that), I felt targetted!!!!! i actually remember looking around to see, who was watching, and watched the guy to see who else he was giving the leaflets to! (and the thing was it was only me!) so he thought i was fat! and i even turned to DH and said "am i really that FAT! and cried all the way home" considering i am 5 11 and 200 pounds only puts my BMI at 29 which is only overweight! NOT obese... had my weight stayed at that and not gone up i would have been happy!
All of you are correct! i too think thoughts when i see some people, and i too sometimes sigh at someone and think, if only you knew how much better you would feel about yourself if you gave a healthier lifestyle a go! or do you really need to have those chips! or one of my biggest thoughts lately is " thats gotta be tough, being that big!" then i think Gosh i was that big once!, and how bad did it feel to be inside myself at that size, and you really feel sorry for people. But if i walked up to them and said hey there, need a friend to help you! they would hit me! i would hit me! LOL! i would be totally disgusted and think to myself , oh god this person thinks i am a whale, then that would turn that into I am a whale, then i would run out to the nearest store and buy.... more food, to drown my sorrows.
But i think we all know to keep those thoughts to ourselves! Sometimes there a times, when a friend will open up, about being big! and that is an opportunity to offer advise, even then though i am reluctant that they take it wrong. Some people will ask how i do it (losing weight) and i will trivialize it with " i've been doing some walking and eating better! cutting out the junk food" but really it is more like "i have been working my guts out! sweating hard, and eating fairly strictly! under 1800 Cal"
But apart from that losing weight can be a very personal battle, and to have people "butting in" really angers me!
I think some compliments are really good , like "look at you", or being checked out! , it is when the compliment is more like advice..... "don't loss anymore", "you need to... ", "you should.... " and the saddest part is the person saying it expects you to follow it!!!!!!!!
I am glad this forum is here, to be able to share your thoughts! and be so honest! its amazing to find, people who have the same thoughts and ideas.
Now if i can survive hurricane MOTHER on Sunday!!!!!!! (she thinks a BMI of under 30 is anorexic!!!!!!!)
I think that one hurdle alot of us who have had some success losing weight have to clear the the desire to "convert" those who appear as though they are not as concious about their health as we feel they ought to be. Unfortunately, it's alot easier to be annoying and insulting, or even be hurtful, than it is to be motivating.
Nice that she thinks to offer suggestions, maybe I should offer suggestions on how to deal with her constant bad breath? This from a woman (the nursery rhyme "Jack Spratt could eat no fat" comes to mind.....)will sit down to dinner for a nice baked ham and will precisely trim off the 1/8" of fat/rind off the edges. She freaks out if she gains 3 lbs....OH MY!!!
You can imagine how happy I am that she is coming to visit at Christmas time this year!!! hmmm, I might be a little bitter still about that one.
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