[funniegrrl]

I know most of us struggle with body image at one time or another; it's true of most women, no matter how attractive. And, for those of us who are overweight or have been overweight, it's usually a central issue for us, one we may never get over. I've had some experiences recently I thought I'd share, 'cause they've really amused me while knocking me for a loop. This is going to be long because it's a progressive story, so go get a bowl of air-popped popcorn and a diet Coke and settle in ... NOTE: The following contains Adult Situations and is not suitable for small children

For those who don't know, I've been very overweight all my life. I've lost 170 pounds over the last 4 years and currently wear a 14/16. I think I am going to be able to lose about 10 more pounds. My weight will be in the "recommended range" for my height (which will be a major moral victory for me), and I hope fit into a solid 14 top and bottom. I think I can live with that and be content.

I feel pretty good about my general size most of the time. I don't really feel "overweight" although I definitely DON'T feel "skinny." I'm more the voluptuous curvy type, and obviously won't be mistaken for any of the Desperate Housewives, but I'm OK with that. I've learned to dress to accentuate the positive and I take a lot more care with general grooming than I used to. For example, I've started getting monthly manicures/pedicures, something I'd not done in my whole LIFE until about a year and a half ago. All of this is great, but my heart sinks every time I look in the mirror -- there is definite damage from all the years of extreme obesity. I have an above-the-waist bulge that is NOT fat, and which prevents me from tucking in blouses without looking like the Michelin Man. I have the usual large sagging abdominal apron, enormous flabby upper arms, extremely saggy wrinkly upper thighs, and the boobs are deflated balloons with lead weights at the bottom. Even the skin on my back and calves and forearms is a little looser than it really should be. If I wear something relatively form-fitting I have to wear a Helpful Undergarment to make things look SOMEWHAT smooth. I don't wear anything that doesn't cover most of my upper arms, and nothing shorter than knee-length unless I'm wearing hose or tights.

Even my face shows damage -- my former triple-chin is now a saggy chin, I've got the very beginnings of jowls, I could certainly use a brow lift. Still, I don't have crow's feet and other wrinkles that a lot of women my age (43) have. The one feature on my face that shows no effects of my former state is my nose, and I've ALWAYS disliked my nose. It's not something I've ever obsessed about, and I don't even think about it very much, but I think it's a too broad in the bony part and the nostrils seem too big. If I were to win the lottery and be able to afford all the plastic surgery I wanted, I MIGHT have it done but it would be at the very bottom of the list. So ... with all this in mind, with v-e-r-y careful clothes shopping and outfit construction and makeup I usually feel I look presentable if not ready for a beauty pageant.

While I'm an introvert by nature, my new, better look has given me a little more confidence to go out and be social. So, for a year or two now I've been hanging out at various nightspots on the weekends. I have had some male attention, but it's not exactly frequent and is really a kick when it happens. And here's where the lessons start ... for one thing, I used to assume that I might be able to attract men who were in the same attractiveness-level that I was ... just "regular guys," maybe a little overweight, etc. That's as high as my aspirations went. But, I have found that the guys who have ACTUALLY been interested in chatting me up have been ... way cute. Way. Cute. I always have this little, "Who? ME?" moment when they come up to me. *giggle* I've never gotten the impression they were chubby chasers, either, or guys who were going after the "fat girl" as a ploy to impress the other women.

I'm sure you can guess that, even though I feel good about how I look in my carefully-selected outfits, and about being approached by and flirting with such fine gentlemen, and going out with them, I dread with the fear of 1,000 deaths the moment where any sort of disrobing might be requested. In the past I have soldiered on, trying to remain covered or hidden as best I can and making myself pretend I'm not self-conscious. What a trick THAT is! :P Of course, lying down, things don't look NEARLY as saggy as they do when I'm standing, so ... that helps. I really don't know how much they've noticed or whether or not they care -- because, I'm not going to DARE to talk about it! -- but I will say no one ran out of the room screaming and everyone seems to have had a good time. heh heh So, while I used to think that no really attractive man would ever be interested in my flabby lumpy self -- even if I was a flabby lumpy size size 8 -- I have found that some are, or can be, at least initially. Lesson #1.

Lesson #2 came earlier in the summer. There is a gentleman I'd met and bumped into a few times at my usual watering hole. He was by far the best-looking guy I'd ever been chummy with (think a less-movie-star-ish version of Dennis Quaid in his 30s). We'd had interesting conversations and always sat together when we were there, but we'd never flirted, per se, and he'd never asked for my number. He would cast moony looks my way every now and then, but I was puzzled by the lack of action, and I was NOT NOT NOT going to be so stupid as express interest in HIM. What right did someone like ME have to even THINK that I might have a chance with someone like him? I cannot cannot cannot make the first move, I am terrified of the possible humiliation. Right? Well ... finally, about the 3rd time we were together, he started being more flirty and complimentary ... he told me he had told a buddy of his (!) that I was always "very well put together" and he loved that I always had such well-cared-for feet and hands and polished nails ... etc. Imagine that, I guy who notices manicures and is moved to mention it. (I've since found that he's not the only one -- I get compliments on my nails more than anything else, and they're NOT anything special, trust me.) So ... effort and money spent on grooming is WORTH IT, regardless of how you feel about your general appearance. "Always look your best" pays off, regardless of what you think your many flaws are.

So, I've been seeing him off-and-on the last few months. A few weeks ago we got together and he started telling me all the reasons he liked me ... (A novel experience in and of itself; not just specific random compliments for the purposes of conversation, but an effort to convince me that he did really like me. "You LIKE me? HUH?" LOL) In addition to personality-based things, he brought up the feet again, especially the toe rings I was wearing this time ... he was FASCINATED by my glasses (I guess because it's unusual for a woman who's trying to look attractive to wear them) ... how good I smelled ... and just the general hotness of my goddess self. This is a man who had expressed an undying devotion to Jennifer Garner, so again, I had a gut reaction of "You talkin' to ME?" but I managed to just blush demurely and thank him. That evening ended at my house where he could not undress me fast enough, but where I was still not at all comfortable. LOL So ... Lesson #3: A person can be attracted to things about you that you would never suspect in a million years, and can find that the total package overrides any flaw, real or perceived.

The next time I saw him he could not keep his hands off me. Since we were in public, in a place we are both "known," I really had my hands full keeping HIS hands in reasonable places. Hmmm, obviously seeing me all-together was not a deterrent, how about that. He told me how good I had looked naked, in fact. Every now and then he would just look over and say, "You're killin' me," ... or just, "Damn!" While I was eating it up, there was also this voice saying, "He's GOT to be pulling your leg" or "Is he more drunk than I think he is?" But no, he was entirely, utterly serious. Then came the kicker -- he said, "You have the cutest nose." WHAT??? I couldn't help but laugh, and confessed I wasn't that fond of it myself. He was surprised, assured me that it was very nice, he liked it a lot. Even in private, he would do things like rub and kiss my legs and feet, told me how nice they were. He seemed just totally enamored with every part of me, the non-sexual parts as well as the more obvious. Lesson #4: People can like even the things you hate, even the things you think no person with a semblance of taste and sanity would like.

So, there you have it ... I still don't like any of the things that I don't like, but I'm more willing to accept that others might not mind them so much, or might even like them. Even very attractive men with Dennis-Quaid smiles.

[silverbirch]

Well! funniegrrl, thanks very much for being so candid! These are in-ter-est-ing findings. (And I'm glad you're having a good time! Long may it continue.)

[StillTrying923]

What great lessons to learned!! Thanks!!

I wish you all the best with your Dennis Quaidish guy!

[Meldiggety]

I have a compliment to add too, Funniegrrl - You are a great writer Very descriptive, yet imaginitive - kept me hooked the whole time *smile*.

Thanks for sharing this story. I think we are SO critical of ourselves and we look at ourselves, bodyparts, flaws WAY too closely most of the time. We need to give ourselves a break - I think that we should all do our best with what we have to work with, and realize that we can't all be walking around airbrushed like the models on the magazine covers. Plus, as cliche'd as it may seem, imperfection adds character. I mean, I have never been attracted to a perfect man (not that he's out there - LOL).

Thanks again for your honesty and addressing an issue women face all the time & too often if you ask me. Self esteem is hard to come by and I'm glad you're finding yours!

Blessings,
Melanie

[BBWonwheels]

yay girl! you go girl. ill really love your story and it gave me inspiration to keep on doing wat im doing.

[Ilene]

Funniegrrl -- That was an excellent post ... It's so true men do not want perfec women... I know mine doesn't and he loves me with all my flaws, I know because he can't keep his dang hands off me ... and we've been married 22 years ... Now I'm dying to see a picture of you could you possible post one?

[ellis]

Funniegrrl, I just had to jump in here. You KILL me, girl!! "A Helpful Undergarment".
I LOVE your story... thank you so much for sharing it with us.

[lucky]

Wow. Sounds like "Dennis" is a keeper! Good for you - not just for finding such a wonderful man (or being found by one, as the case may be!) but for not being so blinded by his affections that you missed the REALLY important lessons behind them. And congratulations for resisiting the oh-so-common urge to turn down a perfectly good opportunity for lack of self-esteem.

[howie6267]

I just told my wife Kimberley to read this. Because she does it for me and she needs to feel as beautiful as she is. We are way to hard on ourselves. We have been talking about our bad parts a lot lately. What does it matter though because we love each other. Thanks for the great read. I wish you all the best in you relationship.

[Gardenwife]

*Sigh* it's true...People don't notice all the things which bug us. I need to keep telling myself this. Thank you so much for your candid post.

Howie and I have always been very comfortable around each other, and I'm thankful for that. He really does it for me, too, on so many levels. I wish you and "Dennis" that same connection.

[Ocean Girl]

Wow funniegrrl
Sounds like you are having a good time! Fun and free hot summer. Those were the days...So are you super keen on Dennis or are you just having a good time?
I know how you feel aboiut the body flaws. I remember being 16 and I had some growth silverfish(stretch marks) on my thighs, I nearly died. Oh no, NOOOO I thought. No one will ever want me with these horrible things.
Now I have stretch marks on thighs, stomach and hips still of course. I was really sad about the ones on my belly because I wanted to wear a bikini again one day.I havent lost all my weight but if I did and I had a big saggy skin sac, I would get it taken out. Why live the rest of your life with it after all the hard work to lose the weight has been done? I am still relatively young(29 next week ) so hopefully it will all go back into place
You are an inspiration and a great write funniegrrl
Cya around

[futurecfo]

Thank you for writing this: I loved reading it! What you have to say is so true.

[mezmerize]

What a wonderful story!!! Your a great writer. I wish you much happiness!!

[paperclippy]

Thank you for the story! I think you've inspired me to go get a manicure.

[funniegrrl]

Hi guys, glad you liked the story. I know it's a little ... candid, as several of you said, but I thought it an important topic to discuss.

There is another aspect I didn't talk about in detail, 'cause the post was already a small novel. These experiences have shifted my expectations and standards, for lack of a better word. Not only has it taught me that it is POSSIBLE that a really nice looking man might be interested in me, I have found myself being more selective about who I might find interesting. In a way this is good -- my thinking has shifted from, "Who will have me?" to "Who do I want?" and made me more of an actor in my own life, rather than a REactor. Still, I worry I'm falling into the same trap that we often complain about in others. I know there are plenty of perfectly wonderful guys out there who are just average guys. Weight and age and amount of hair and facial attractiveness have NOTHING to do with character, personality, compatability, any of the things that any of us truly care about. In the past I have certainly had crushes on guys who would never be mistaken for magazine cover boys. As Melanie said above, there really is no such thing as a perfect person, so having attractiveness as your primary pre-selection criteria is superficial and shallow; that's not what's going to count in the long run.

Still, there has to be SOME physical attraction in order for a relationship to work on a romantic level; otherwise you're just going through the motions. For example, I did a speed-dating thing back in January, and my criteria was, "Could I see myself having a pleasant dinner with this man?" and "Do I at least not find him repulsive?" Based on that, I checked 6 of the 8 men I met that evening. Only one of them had checked me off. I went out with him 3 times and I could never bring myself to think about him romantically. It turned out we were not quite as compatible as I had first thought, so it sort of died on that basis. If we had been more compatible it might have been different, but I just couldn't see myself being interested in kissing him, much less anything else. But I wonder if my lack of interest in his looks fed the feeling we weren't compatible? Did I not give him a fair chance?

So, it's great that I've discovered that I have a wider range of men available to me, that I am not going to have to just settle for whoever will have me. That's a significant shift in attitude for me. Still, I've gone from thinking, "I could grow to like the way he looks," to "He's not up to my current criteria." And I kind of hate that about myself. There is a battle in my brain a lot of the time, the Old FG arguing that "OF COURSE looks don't matter," and the New FG saying, "But we know we can do better!" :P So this has all given me a lot of food for thought about my own attitudes towards them, as well as the self-esteem thing.

One other point ... I know that I've read in the past that some women get distressed at getting attention from men when they lose weight, for just these reasons of superficiality. "Why would I want a man who wouldn't have looked twice at me when I was overweight?" I must say that I DON'T feel this way. It's probably true that if I continued to lose weight, the pool of interested men would get even larger, and there's part of me that sighs in frustration at the thought. Still, I don't hold it against them, I don't carry any angst or anger about it. I think I just recognize that that's the way the world works. I would hope that if I DO find a true love relationship, that any changes in my appearance would not adversely affect his opinion of me or his feelings for me. That's what we all hope for, I guess -- unconditional love, for better or for worse, regardless of what brings two people together initially.