I don't know which is worse...
The fact that I had a diet "snafu" last night or that my "binge" was so utterly pathetic.
I was upset yesterday morning because I was up a pound when I stepped on the scale. I stayed good most of the day but late in the evening I was feeling irritated and grumpy. I was making lunch for my fiancée and put in it the last few slices of full-fat cheese that existed in the house. There was one slice left after I made his lunch. I took a small bite and was like..."oh my GOD that's GOOD!" and then snarfed the whole thing. (5g fat!) Then I said, "Screw it, I need an off day" so....I ate about 2 cups of low-fat croûtons. Then to be really rebellious, I ditched water and drank a glass big glass of ORANGE JUICE.
Oh, will the sin never cease?
Man, where are the tostitos and cheese-dip when you NEED them, eh?
So, I didn't break down and melt dark chocolate, honey, peanut butter and graham crackers in a big bowl like I SERIOUSLY considered doing. But...only because that would have been too much work.
Well, I guess it could have been worse. I DID go well over my calorie and fat limits for the day. I didn't even bother getting on the scale this morning. (coward) The thing is, if I was going to cheat, why couldn't I have cheated with a steak?
...and what bothers me about the whole thing is that I felt all angry and rebellious while I was doing it. I was thinking "Yeah, what do you think of THAT, huh?" (munch munch)
But who was I rebelling against? It was MY choice to lose weight.
Who was I punishing? The world at large? Myself, for gaining a pound? (cause eating is a GREAT way to punish oneself for gaining weight)
And I realized, I know this. I've been here before. I've intentionally done self-destructive things to myself in more ways than just in diet with an a sense of angry satisfaction. Like hurting myself was getting back at someone who'd wronged me.
But....I don't know who I am getting back AT!
Oh...I am sooo screwed up.