I lived a lot of my life where you are now. My overeating was not the cause of my problems, but one of many things that was simply out of control. Finances, keeping house, etc. I did nothing that I didn't "feel like" doing. I still have periods where I start to let things go, but it's all 1000% better than it used to be.
Is it depression? In my case I don't think so, but that doesn't mean it isn't for you. It is certainly an idea worth exploring.
How did I pull out of it? Well it's been a long process. I think it actually has two main roots: First, I finally gave up the idea of being thin and just resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be obese forever. At that point I decided, "Well, if I'm not going to be thin, I can at least start taking care of myself better." I still ate terribly and didn't exercise at all, but I started paying more attention to clothes and grooming. (Not that I was a slob before, but I decided to put more effort into looking better.) I subscribed to a plus-size fashion magazine, which gave me some positive role models and a "community." This made me feel a little better about myself.
Second, I started making a little more money and resolved to get my finances in order. I had let things slide mostly due to the pain of having to face how bad things were, which only made them worse. So I decided to bite the bullet and pay down my debt and start a retirement account, etc. I started reading about personal finance and used MS Money to manage everything. I balanced my checking acct every month, I had a chart that showed me how my debt was going down, etc. While it was TOUGH to develop the discipline to do this when it was so distasteful, once I felt in control and I could see the results of my efforts, I started enjoying it. Yes, I enjoyed entering my expendatures at the end of the day, calculating how much money I had 'til the end of the month, paying bills on time. It was amazing.
So, this really boosted my self-esteem and showed me that I COULD accomplish something difficult and thorny and contrary to the way I had been living. I also felt better about myself physically because I dressed better, wore make-up, etc., even though I was well over 300 pounds. I decided that the next step had to be getting control of my health, my eating, being more active, losing some weight. I didn't have some pie-in-the-sky fantasy about being thin -- I just wanted to lose SOME weight. Honestly, if I could have gotten down to a size 26 or 28 from the 32 I was at the time, I could have been content with that. In my secret heart of hearts I was hoping I could get down to 220, which was my lowest adult weight. Well, here it is nearly 4 years later and I'm down to 174 and still going.
So, all of this to say:
- It CAN be done, no matter how low and hopeless you feel right now.
- Trying to make things better from a place of self-hatred doesn't work. I've seen it over and over. Do it because you LOVE yourself, not because you hate yourself.
- You sound overwhelmed. I stumbled on my method by accident, but it really started with taking control of a single thing. Pick one thing in your life that you would like to improve. Maybe it's something really simple like paying all your bills on time when you get your next paycheck, or paying a little extra on your debts. You don't have to fix all your finances at once, just start the process, and let that prove that you can make things better. Or, maybe you'll decide that this week you're going to replace regular soft drinks with diet soft drinks, or go for a 10-minute walk every day. I have found that success breeds success. My accomplishments in one area feed and encourage accomplishments in other areas.
- Understand that ingrained overeating and weight problems this severe are tantamount to a disease. When I finally understood that I could not "go on a diet" to "lose weight," but that I had to manage my disease for the rest of my life, it actually got easier. My focus was in getting my life in order, in living in a healthy way. The weight loss takes care of itself, and I don't obsess over the scale. The scale is secondary, my health -- physical and mental -- is primary.
I would also suggest that you might find Overeaters Anonymous helpful. Most people with our issues are compulsive overeaters. We get there through different routes and it manifests in different ways sometimes, but there is enough commonality that hearing other stories and how people have been successful in combating this disease can be incredibly helpful. You're not alone, even though your particular cure might not be exactly like mine or someone else's. OA can help you understand how to live every day WITHOUT depending on food.
I am not an OA member but I've learned a lot from reading about it, and reading some of their materials. I highly recommend a book called
The Thin Books. It is not an official OA publication, but it is written by a long-time OA member. It's a wealth of information and assistance.