Hey there --
I'm a compulsive eater, too. I think that, like with other compulsive behaviors/addicitions, you can say you're in recovery but never that you are cured. I think finding peace with that concept actually helps.
I know what you mean about being weary of the whole thing. I "gave up" in my late 20s / early 30s and went from about 220 (my lowest adult weight) to 339 in the course of 10 years or so. But, a convergence of events and circumstances finally helped me feel some optimism and a sense of purpose, and I started "one more time." That was three years ago and I'm down nearly 150, and still kicking.
I also know what you mean about being angry. I have spent a lot of time in my life cursing at people who didn't have the issues I have, and at myself for being different. But, I was finally able to adopt the attitude that I could only play with the hand I was dealt. I could not waste my precious energy on anger and envy. It took a lot to learn to let that go, but when I did, I turned a corner. "Whatever works," became my motto.
I can't tell you the magic words to make you suddenly do this thing you want, but don't want to do. I think you're smart enough to realize that. But, I can tell you that what worked for me was, in part, embracing the idea that the changes I made were going to be for life. I gave up the idea of getting to an "ideal" weight -- when I started, I was hoping against hope to get back down to 220. But, I decided that just getting to a healthier place food-wise, and losing SOME weight, was enough of a goal to start with. I also finally got deep in my gut that my condition was something to manage, rather than conquer. I could not go on a diet, but I had to undergo a retraining period. That meant balance, balance, balance, working on the interior issues and being hyper-aware of myself and my body and my reactions. It meant getting creative, having a problem-solving mindset. I could go on and on, but that's enough to start with.
I did find a commercial program I like, Jenny Craig. It IS about counting calories in the end, but you do it through exchanges, sort of a modular system. Since you are tired of the grind, you might find it helpful. You do purchase their entree items for essentially most meals for the first half of your program, then you start weaning off. It relieves some of the burden of being creative about meals and counting and balancing every thing, but as you get used to the system you start going off on your own. SOrt of like training wheels. It makes meal planning a lot easier, and eating out, too. So, you might think about that. They always have a free trial membership deal going; you can find out more at www.jennycraig.com
Even if you don't go that route, look for something that you can live with forever, something you can do every day, but that has enough flexibility to live your life. ANd, I HIGHLY recommend spending some time before jumping into anything thinking and reflecting and reading. I did this for about 6 months before starting my program, and I think it made a world of difference. I'll recommend two books for you: Thin for Life, and The Thin Books. Both offer a life-long approach and emphasize the things that help you change from the inside out. It's all about attitude, baby.
The second book you might find especially helpful, since it is about compulsive overeating. Also, don't count out professional counseling.
Don't worry about "forcing" yourself to do something you don't want to do. You had the drive to come here. You have the drive to start asking questions. Don't worry about food plans and the like right now, just keep that drive alive by reading and thinking and analyzing and letting your spirit breathe. Think about what makes you tick, what makes you happy. Rejoice in the fact that you already exercise, that your health is pretty good. Dress up, go out, live your life. Let all of your successes in all areas of your life inform your opinion of yourself, and let that self-love feed your desire to be healthy. If you keep approaching it from this positive, affirming point of view, there will be a day when you can't HELP but start again, where wild horses couldn't keep you away.
Finally, I encourage you to seek out yoga, particularly Anusara yoga if you can find an teacher in your area (check out www.anusara.com
). I started taking it when I weighed about 230, and it has made an enormous difference in my spirit. Sure, it's good exercise, but it's a wonderful way to help yourself open yourself up to possibility and self-affirmation.