Join Date: Jul 2004
Dispair? Been there.....
I've been reading over this forum for most of the evening. I found this place thru a search I did on google for Suvaril, heehee (so sue me, I HAD to see what it was about, but decided against it).
Anyway, this is my first post here and I just wanted to share some of the hindsight "light bulb" moments I had, and the time I went thru to get where I am.
In 1999, after going thru a life-changing disaster which actually saved my marriage, we decided to get pregnant with our second, which we did, and I quit my job to be home with my family. Fairy tale huh? not.......
After having the baby, who was so pretty and darling and um, colicky as all get out, I fell into a severe depression. After working all my life, suddenly there were no outlets, no breaks in the doldrums of motherhood, no help with a 24/7 screaming child, despite hubby's feeble attempts (he was scared of her LOL). There were no adults to interact with and for the first time in my life I had NO direction. I mean, before, the meaning of life was to get up, make dinner, go to work (I worked nights), do my job, laugh with coworkers, and come away proud that I'd accomplished another superhero day of work, and then finally fit the fam in somewhere....quality time and all.
So here I am, 50 lbs overweight due to pregnancy, and overstuffing my face, the house always pitted out, no friends...not really, on birth control, no money (living on one paycheck isnt as fun as it sounds folks!), and I'm not quite sure how it happened but I just went into a robotic state of mind. I lived to exist.
When I finally realized that I was severely depressed is when I started having anxiety attacks. I went to the doctor and she gave me zoloft but you know what really helped? The realization. So I started doing research on depression....learned that birth control does NOT help there, so took myself off of it immediately. That helped. Next, some adult interaction, even if it WAS on the net. Found a chat room that was fun, energetic and NOT a meat market, and in that chat room there were a couple of special ppl I connected with, again NOT romantically, who had the same twisted sense of humor that I did, and ya know what? I laughed! Alot! and Often! I swear just having a lil fun in your life will change your outlook on things.
In March, I finally had the courage to step on the scale and was aghast to see I was 6 small lbs away from hitting 200! The 50lbs of extra weight had slipped to around 60lbs. I went to the doctor and she prescribed me Adipex, which I love, and that helped control the appetite that helped me out-eat hubby every night at dinner. I'm not looking at it as a 'magic pill' either. I am making lifestyle changes and not just with eating. I lost 21 lbs in 2 months by not only controlling my portions but by also just changing a couple of meals a week from our norm 'fried food, fast food, grab n stuff' pigfest, and by making smarter choices like having a salad for lunch instead of box pizza.
Since then I havent had the money to go refill my prescription, but I've maintained my weight, and also this is one of those life changes, getting up in the MORNING (gasp, there IS life at 7 am!) and tossing my now 40lb 4 yr old in the stroller (lemme tell ya that's better than putting on ankle weights, pushing alla that around), and walking anywhere from a mile to a mile and a half within a 30 min time period.
What I learned in these past 4 years is that, you have to heal yourself mentally before you can heal yourself physically. I still stay at home, but am hunting for work (which, HA, is presenting a whole new set of ways to bludgeon my self-esteem), but dangit I have my sense of humor back, my sex drive is back after 4 looooong years, much to hubby's joy and happiness, and in my mush of a mind, I'm starting to get a sense of who I am again and what I want to do.
I still slide, I'm not perfect and in fact havent walked since my oldest got out of school for the summer (bad me!), and I tell myself that it's because my routine is interrupted, both kids home all day, more to do, more to think about, blahblahblah. Which is prolly why I've plateaued on the weight loss, ya think? lol But I'm not discouraged, no ma'am.
Also, make fun if ya must...in my efforts to 'leave my world' I started, um, gaming and know what? I was exercising while I was gaming. If anyone has a ps2, get Dance Dance Revolution Max, get a dance pad and get MOVING! LOL it sounds so juvenile but I swear it's so much funner than watching the same ol videos of skinny ppl exercising.
Oh, another point I really feel is crucial to the 'wellness of mind and body' is SLEEP. During these 4 years I got accustomed to staying up loooong after everyone else went to bed, just because it was time for ME where I didnt have to go running after anyone or have anyone harping at me or diapers or cooking or ANYTHING. And it's a vicious pattern, stay up late, get up early, too tired to do anything during the day but nap when the opportunity presents itself. When I made the decision to get up in the mornings and walk, I started going to bed at a decent time. I was amazed at the change.I felt good, I mean GOOD all day long. I had energy, I got things accomplished, and my mind didnt feel like mush as usual.
SO! If anyone actually reads this helluva long post, I'll be shocked and amazed, but I dunno, if it helps anyone, GREAT, it helped me since I was sorta feeling doldrummish when I got here, so if you DO read it, Thanks.