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Insensitive/clueless friends

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Old 07-24-2004, 10:37 PM   #1
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Default Insensitive/clueless friends

Today I was out enjoying the day with two male friends of mine. At one point, we all sat down to take a break in the shade. This one woman walks by, wearing a bathing suit. She was overweight, but her suit was fine, she looked fine I thought. A lot braver than I am anyway - I wouldn't have the guts to walk around in my bathing suit!

My one friend makes some comment about how 'A woman like her should really re-think her bathing suit choice. Why is *she* walking around like that?' My other friend didn't hear him the first time he made this comment. I did, but I ignored him and continued talking to my other friend. Then the first friend makes that comment again! He wouldn't let it go. My other friend basically asked 'what does it matter to you? why are you even saying anything? There's nothing wrong with her suit.'

Now, I have 100lbs+ to lose, so it's quite obvious that I'm overweight, and I don't understand why he makes mean comments about overweight women, especially to me? Does he think I'm going to agree with him? Is this his way of telling me what he really thinks of me? Does he forget that I'm overweight, too?

I ignore him when he says something like that. Maybe I should tell him that his comments really bother me, but I suppose I avoid doing that because he's not a friend that I would ever feel comfortable with talking about my weight problem (obviously).

Do any of you experience anything similar with your friends? I must admit that this friend in question is generally considered by the rest of us as having poor social skills, but still...

Anyway thanks for listening!
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Old 07-24-2004, 10:58 PM   #2
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No, it's not my friends who come out with those sorts of comments ... it's usually my Mother! To her credit, Mum has taught me everything I know about eating healthy, BUT as a teeny tiny size 6 (Aussie sizes, equivalent to an American 4 or 2), she is irritatingly thin, and was always saying stuff like "you're getting fat" even when it was at a time where I was gaining weight, but wasn't anywhere near fat! Even worse, she'd say "you're going to have a heart attack!" Nasty. I just told her, and not terribly politely, where to get off and she's heshed her mouth since then, I can tell you!

I really think it would be better if she said something like: "I know you are sensitive about your weight, it's not the end of the world, and with good diet and exercise you CAN lose it!!"

Just gently, (or not so gently if it suits you better) tell your friends and family who make these comments, how they make you feel.
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Old 07-25-2004, 02:36 AM   #3
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It could be (and totally not justifying what he said b/c he was piggish) that he doesn't see you "that way" b/c you are his friend and therefore a person not someoen to be objectified or ridiculed. people (not just men) have no clue
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Old 07-26-2004, 05:02 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KO
It could be (and totally not justifying what he said b/c he was piggish) that he doesn't see you "that way" b/c you are his friend and therefore a person not someoen to be objectified or ridiculed. people (not just men) have no clue
Sometimes I thought that, too! He never makes any comments about me, just sometimes others. And I was never sure if that was a good or a bad thing!
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Old 07-26-2004, 09:24 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KO
It could be (and totally not justifying what he said b/c he was piggish) that he doesn't see you "that way" b/c you are his friend and therefore a person not someoen to be objectified or ridiculed. people (not just men) have no clue
true with closer friends
however, just casual guy friends can be terribly insensitive about women's perception of her looks
when they look at other women and evaluate them and comment on them to you or in your presence, they may be frankly blind to your possible hurt or frankly think that when it comes down to you, it's not something you would care about. repeat, insensitive.
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Old 07-27-2004, 08:54 PM   #6
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It's not just men who do this -- women do it too.

The next time he says something like this, just ask calmly and politely, with a bit of puzzled curiosity in your voice, "Why would you say something like that?" It's not just about being insensitive -- to you or anyone else -- but it's called being judgemental. It doesn't matter whether you are overweight or not. He's rude and a gossip. He may not be aware that he's rude and a gossip, but how will he ever learn if he's not called on it?
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Old 07-28-2004, 12:23 AM   #7
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good call funny girl
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Old 08-04-2004, 10:54 AM   #8
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My DH is the same way. He always makes comments about other over weight people but never to me directly. I often wonder if that is a hint. Who knows, anyway maybe you should let him know his comments are not appreciated. When I finally get to goal I hope I never get to the point where I forget what it was like to be heavy so I am not making unfair judgements about others. I had a relative who lost 60 pounds and kept it off. She is always making comments about heavy people. It's like she forgot what it was like when she was heavy. Go Figure, Judy
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