Is there anyone who can help me because I know longer have any idea as to what to do.
I was reading my old blog today, which I just recently stopped keeping. I started it as a way to track my personal journey in weightloss over three years ago, and in re-reading, I kept coming across three years worth of 'light-bulb moment' entries in which I'd FINALLY REALIZED what I needed to do in order to lose weight and how I'd FINALLY turned the corner FOR REAL this time. It was so depressing because in each of these many entries I was fervent and I really did mean it. I can tell how much I wanted it to be true.
But do you know what I've lost? A whole lot of not much. Two years ago, I joined Weight Watchers. 1.5 years of trying to stay on their plan brought me down 9 pounds, and, in breaking up with my longterm boyfriend this spring, I gained back all of it plus 2. So I joined Jenny Craig because, hey, if WW wasn't working, I needed to try something different. The first two weeks I lost 5 pounds. It was fabulous. I felt possible. I felt like it would all be different this time. Except that it wasn't. It's now been 2.5 months, and I've lost a whopping total of 7 pounds. And I'm not frustrated because I'm not losing a lot of weight, I'm frustrated because I know I'm not 'working the program.' I'm so sick of that food and ALL I want to do is cheat.
Before JC and WW, there were juice fasts I could never get through, the fat flush plan which had me incoherent and too dizzy to stand by the end of the first day, Slimfast, giving up sugar at least three different times, running programs that always fizzled at some point, a Curves membership I never could seem to use, and so much else. I've only really avoided anorexia, bulemia, and diet pills. Luckily. But sometimes... I don't know. I wonder where it WILL stop since it's been spiraling out of control for so many years.
But I desperately want to be different. I HATE being fat. I'm sick of it. I know it's a huge problem - I know I use it as an excuse and as something to hide behind. You know... it's that whole, my life can start once I'm thin thing. I seriously think that a lot of the time. But I'm 28 now. My life HAS started. But I still don't have the confidence I should. There are still things I can't enjoy the way I would want to because I'm overweight. And beyond that it plagues me... it frames how I see my whole life. I think about it constantly, and I am forever charting where I was then and how I'll be there. It makes me miserable.
But what is there to comfort me? Well, food. Food makes me feel safe and okay and happy for a moment and like some things are still in my control (that's the REALLY ironic part since I'm totally out of control with my eating, but somehow I've gotten it in my head that control is when I can eat whatever I want, when certain things (sugar, nachos, bread, etc) are not forbidden to me).
And now I'm moving. To Southern California where everyone is effin' beautiful and perfect. It's such a supposed big deal out there that I'm worried I won't be able to get basic things like housing because I'm not good looking enough. It's awful because there are whole parts of me that are normal and have great self esteem, but then there is this fat, and it's always there, always consuming me, always holding me back.
And I don't know if I can beat it. I don't. I've seen so many false starts and fallen promises. What if I'm not strong enough? And what will it take to do it anyway? After all this stuff that HASN'T worked, what actually will be different? I just don't know.
So I'm posting here because I've watched these forums for awhile and I know that many people do have success, and I don't really know where else to turn. I weigh 210 pounds. I want to weigh somewhere between 130 and 140, which isn't even that small for my height (5'5"). It's something I've wanted since I felt fat at 160, 180, 195, and 200. I have to reverse this cycle, and although I know I'm still relatively young, I somehow feel like I'm running out of time.