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Old 07-06-2004, 06:50 PM   #1
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Default I really need help

Is there anyone who can help me because I know longer have any idea as to what to do.

I was reading my old blog today, which I just recently stopped keeping. I started it as a way to track my personal journey in weightloss over three years ago, and in re-reading, I kept coming across three years worth of 'light-bulb moment' entries in which I'd FINALLY REALIZED what I needed to do in order to lose weight and how I'd FINALLY turned the corner FOR REAL this time. It was so depressing because in each of these many entries I was fervent and I really did mean it. I can tell how much I wanted it to be true.

But do you know what I've lost? A whole lot of not much. Two years ago, I joined Weight Watchers. 1.5 years of trying to stay on their plan brought me down 9 pounds, and, in breaking up with my longterm boyfriend this spring, I gained back all of it plus 2. So I joined Jenny Craig because, hey, if WW wasn't working, I needed to try something different. The first two weeks I lost 5 pounds. It was fabulous. I felt possible. I felt like it would all be different this time. Except that it wasn't. It's now been 2.5 months, and I've lost a whopping total of 7 pounds. And I'm not frustrated because I'm not losing a lot of weight, I'm frustrated because I know I'm not 'working the program.' I'm so sick of that food and ALL I want to do is cheat.

Before JC and WW, there were juice fasts I could never get through, the fat flush plan which had me incoherent and too dizzy to stand by the end of the first day, Slimfast, giving up sugar at least three different times, running programs that always fizzled at some point, a Curves membership I never could seem to use, and so much else. I've only really avoided anorexia, bulemia, and diet pills. Luckily. But sometimes... I don't know. I wonder where it WILL stop since it's been spiraling out of control for so many years.

But I desperately want to be different. I HATE being fat. I'm sick of it. I know it's a huge problem - I know I use it as an excuse and as something to hide behind. You know... it's that whole, my life can start once I'm thin thing. I seriously think that a lot of the time. But I'm 28 now. My life HAS started. But I still don't have the confidence I should. There are still things I can't enjoy the way I would want to because I'm overweight. And beyond that it plagues me... it frames how I see my whole life. I think about it constantly, and I am forever charting where I was then and how I'll be there. It makes me miserable.

But what is there to comfort me? Well, food. Food makes me feel safe and okay and happy for a moment and like some things are still in my control (that's the REALLY ironic part since I'm totally out of control with my eating, but somehow I've gotten it in my head that control is when I can eat whatever I want, when certain things (sugar, nachos, bread, etc) are not forbidden to me).

And now I'm moving. To Southern California where everyone is effin' beautiful and perfect. It's such a supposed big deal out there that I'm worried I won't be able to get basic things like housing because I'm not good looking enough. It's awful because there are whole parts of me that are normal and have great self esteem, but then there is this fat, and it's always there, always consuming me, always holding me back.

And I don't know if I can beat it. I don't. I've seen so many false starts and fallen promises. What if I'm not strong enough? And what will it take to do it anyway? After all this stuff that HASN'T worked, what actually will be different? I just don't know.

So I'm posting here because I've watched these forums for awhile and I know that many people do have success, and I don't really know where else to turn. I weigh 210 pounds. I want to weigh somewhere between 130 and 140, which isn't even that small for my height (5'5"). It's something I've wanted since I felt fat at 160, 180, 195, and 200. I have to reverse this cycle, and although I know I'm still relatively young, I somehow feel like I'm running out of time.
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Old 07-06-2004, 07:10 PM   #2
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Oh, Cakegirl! I've been there. Dozens of times. Where I tell myself "this is it" but then those old habits sneak back in and I get tired of trying so hard and just want to quit and go eat a cheesecake.

The hard thing is that we all have to find our own way. Because a diet will never work. The key is making lifelong changes and you can't do that if you're not happy with what your getting or forking out hundreds of dollars for special food.

Here are the 2 biggest weightloss/health "secrets" that I've learned from my own experiences and reading the experiences of the wonderful "maintainers" we haver here:

1. Eat whole foods. Junk food is junk food regardless of fat, carb, or calorie content. Unprocessed, unrefined, and chock full of nutrients is the way to go. I've found that if I'm getting the right balance of vitamins and minerals from my food, I don't even have to think about portion control. It just happens. And I feel hugely better, too.

2. You must move. It's non-negotiable. Do you have to go to the gym, or join an aerobics class, or run 10 miles a day? No. Find something you like to do that involves movement and do it. Take a walk, go dancing, join some kids on a playground, lift some dumb bells when you're watching tv, try bellydancing or pilates. There are hundreds of ways to move.

You can do it!
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Old 07-06-2004, 07:19 PM   #3
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First of all, thank you for speaking the truth. Your truth. My truth. And the truth of a lot of others. I'm quite certain a lot of people can relate to your story and to your concerns. I certainly can.

While I haven't tried WW and JC, I've often contemplated joining. And then decided on something "better" to spend my $$$ on (meanwhile telling myself "If I just (insert newest fad diet here) I can lose the weight...") but to no avail. And more often than not, that money I could have spent on a weight-loss program is spent at McDonald's or some other fast food joint.

I, too, am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, lonely, bored, when I've achieved something, when I've failed. It's a hideous cycle to live in. And like you, I've grown accustomed to thinking that food is safety and comfort. But then I try and squeeze myself into my largest size of clothing and realize that that is far from comforting. But again, the cycle continues. Melissa can't fit into her clothes. Melissa becomes sad. Melissa binges like mad. Melissa feels guilty. And on and on we go.

While I obviously don't have some miracle plan, I know that I need to get healthy and happy for me... and for my family. I also know what it's like to measure yourself up to "picture-perfect" (my sister was a model and it was wickedly thrown in my face at every opportunity) -- the pressure is beyond ridiculous.

But your goal is attainable! You CAN do this... it may be difficult and you will probably want to throw in the towel. But that's what we're here for. We're all in the same boat as you... wanting to get to a healthier, happier us!

Instead of setting larger goals that currently seem far-fetched, start off slow. Set a goal of 10lbs. Then once you get there, aim for 15lbs. And so forth.

Best of luck... and if you need to talk, don't hesitate to msg me!

~mel
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Old 07-06-2004, 10:28 PM   #4
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Cakegirl

First, I have to second Macdeez's thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Your post really hit home with me. I was where you were a few years ago--except I had made it up to 350 lbs. I felt like the fattest weight loss expert in the world. I could, off the top of my head, tell you how many calories were in a slice of pizza, apple, peanut butter sandwich, etc. I could design a weight lifting program, draw you the food pyramid, count weight watchers points in my head. I knew all the "tricks": drink 8 glasses of cold water, jog in place at your desk for five minutes, set your fork down between eat bite, "love yourself", etc. etc. Still I weighed 350. I hated myself and felt like I had no self-control. Food was my comfort, but I knew it was killing me.

So what was the magic "pill" that helped me? In some ways it doesn't matter, because like Starprincess said, you have to find what works for you. I spent too long thinking if I just did what the person on the cover of Women's Day did to lose 80 lbs, I could do it too. Except, it never did. Finally, I learned what worked for me. And I've stuck with it.

My only advice to you is to keep trying. Know that you are strong. You wouldn't have posted if you didn't care about yourself (which takes a lot of strength!) Look hard at yourself and decide why you want to do this. You've had "revelations" in the past. What is different this time?

If you need to talk or just need to vent, feel free to im me (plaitleo) on aol.
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Old 07-06-2004, 11:17 PM   #5
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Hello Cakegirl. I will keep you in my prayers. WE have all been there at one time or another. You may want to try reading a book called the Thin Books. It is 2 books in one. The first part deals with just about all the issues you mentioned. The second part is a daily motivation with a positive action plan. Remember to take things one day at a time. Yesterday is done and gone, no use fretting you can't go back and un do what has or has not been done. Tomorrow is not here yet so there are no knowns. All we have is today and every day is today. Take care and God BLess.
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Old 07-07-2004, 02:41 AM   #6
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Smile You're worth all this!

Hi cakegirl,

Another hearty "thanks" for your post. First of all, I'd like to ease your fears about southern CA. I live about an hour's drive north of LA. Not everyone here surfs, has blonde hair and goes to the plastic surgeon on a weekly basis. I live about 10 minutes from the beach and can count on one hand the number of times I've been in the last 10 years. This state is full of gorgeous, fat, thin, funny looking, beautiful, pimply, bronzed, short, apple-shaped, pear-shaped, stick-shaped people, just like any where else. I know that's not the image that's projected, but it's true. LA really is a melting pot. I'm glad to welcome you to our state!

All of that aside, sometimes we need to take a hard look into why we are who we are, how we got here and why we stay. So much of what you said rings true for me, too. I wonder so often about why I keep on weight. I think, if I was thin, I could do this... If I looked better I could go here... etc. etc. And then I wonder if I stay heavy so I DON'T have the opportunities to do those things. It's so much easier to just exist. What would my excuse be then?

Instead of reading the latest fitness magazine, digesting the newest diet food, becoming experts on glycemic indexes and carb/protein/fat ratios, all the while feeling like we're depriving or punishing ourselves or forcing something to happen, maybe we need to really look at our histories, our fears, our hangups and become experts on ourselves. Maybe if we start to change on the inside, the rest will follow. The struggle will cease to be, and we can enjoy our lives now, not when we lose 20, 30, 80 pounds.

I'll be 28 this year. I'm at 190 but was at 200 about two and a half weeks ago. I'm slowly deciding that I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own body. I'm trying to gain the confidence, the, dare I say it, "self-love" I need to really make lifestyle changes that will affect me inside and out. I don't know if that helps you, but it seems like we might be coming from the same place and I know you deserve to try again, to keep faith in yourself. I know we all will!
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Old 07-07-2004, 03:50 AM   #7
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My Goodness I can not believe how much the things that have been said here sound like me. I want to be smaller so much but at the same time I find myself thinking about how differently people treat me now that I am big. When I was thinner I couldn't seem to hold a female friend because their boyfriends all ended up hitting on me. Now, no worries there. And most of my friends are girls. I am the person they view as safe. SO I end up in this feeling of do I lose weight and be healthy and be able to run and play but have people view me as the competition or do I stay big and (as someone put it earlier) just exist. I know that ultimately loosing weight is what I MUST do but I experience so much self sabotage. Thank you cakegirl for showing that I am not the only one who is stuck.
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Old 07-07-2004, 03:18 PM   #8
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I think we all need to take a long hard look at the excuses we make. And when I say WE...I mean WE...I do it too. We blame our fat on our metabolism, or our genes, or the fact that there are two dozen skinny blondes at the gym that make us too uncomfortable to exercise. RUBBISH!!! It comes down to: we are fat because we have chosen to be fat. We CHOSE to eat a big mac instead of a salad. We CHOSE to drink a soda instead of water. We CHOSE to lay on the couch in sweats watching a tv show we really don't enjoy instead of taking a walk after dinner. We chose to promise we will workout tomorrow, instead of doing something today. We chose to say we are going to start our diet Monday so we can pig out on the weekend, instead of starting right now.
Then when we realize all that, we need to realize how we have used our fat as an excuse in the rest of our lives. I didn't get picked for that promotion because I'm fat...._____dumped me because I'm fat.....and I could go on and on.
Yes we use fat as a sheild...we don't want to blame ourselves for our mistakes, or shortcomings, or poor choices, so we blame the fat. We don't want to change ourselves because we have fallen into the path of least resistence. We don't want to change because it will take X months to lose weight and that's just too long. We want it all we just don't want to work or wait for it. But you know what? We have to. We don't want to change because the fat has become our security blanket. Why would you want to lose weight when you can give only a 50% effort and not have to take responsibility when it doesn't work out? If you were thin you would have to give more effort. No multitude of epiphanies or diet plans or even message boards are going to help unless or until you have set your mind that you will not only lose weight on the outside, but also on the inside. You have to be ready to blow up your life, let the pieces fall where they may and hope they land in smaller jeans.
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Old 07-07-2004, 09:48 PM   #9
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Carol - tell it like it is Girl! You are so right! You sound like you have been there too. You know the comment you made about losing weight not only on the outside but also on the inside made sense to me. Awhile back I had loss over 80 pounds and foolishly put most of it back on, anyway the point of my story is that, after I went from 215.5 to 130, I would go to the store and still go into the plus size clothes straight to the size that I was when I was my heaviest. It was like I loss the weight on the outside and never realized it on the inside. Hmmm. SOmething to meditate on. Anyway have a wonderful evening. God Bless.
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Old 07-08-2004, 12:19 AM   #10
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Oh, boy! Do your words sound familiar! When I was young, even until I was 30 or so, I had a killer body, I looked and felt beautiful. When I was in my teens and twenties I was a professional model. Imagine living your formative years under THAT pressure! lol I grew up feeling as if I had to look perfect all the time!

Now, at 37 I realize it isn't all about the exterior. Sadly, though, society does judge us on our aesthetic qualities and how we can "dress up the place." For years no one even mentioned my intelligence (I have a 211 IQ!), but they were sure quick to notice my eyes, face, lips, body, legs, backside - everything that can fade with age or be lost in a split second. My confidence grew shakier and shakier as I depended more and more on how I looked. Then, at 30, I realized that I was quickly losing my youth. I wasn't young any longer. So, I packed on the pounds. The self esteem issues, combined with medication for depression (related? Yeah, I think so!) increased my girth by leaps and bounds. The larger I grew, the more insulated from the world I felt. I spent 6 years in that state, hiding from the world - and myself.

I met a wonderful man and he showed me the beautiful woman behind the insulation. At 272 pounds and 6' tall I was a BIG girl. I felt awful, but he found beauty where I only saw ugliness. He saw a spirit in me and found the beautiful woman inside. He accepted me just as I was - more than 100 pounds over my post baby weight. He drew me out.

I buckled down and lost the weight. It wasn't easy, but it was not as difficult as I thought it would be. I researched nutrition and created a diet that I could live with. I created recipes that taste great and have ingredients that "normal" people use. It has now become a way of life.

Now, more than 80 pounds lighter, I have a little sign on my desk (at home) that says, "Would you be more attracted to me if my IQ bounced gently when I walked down the stairs?" Beauty fades, but you can only get smarter.

I lost the weight, but I found a beautiful spirit and mind inside. I found a Stephanie that had been hiding from the world for most of her life.

You can find that person inside yourself. Find her and the rest will fall into place. There is support here, take it. If you EVER need for someone just to hear you, I am here. If you EVER need a shoulder to cry on, I am here. I have been there and I know it is tough, but I have faith in you. More importantly, though, YOU must have faith in yourself.

I know you can do it.
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Old 07-08-2004, 04:50 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cakegirl
in re-reading, I kept coming across three years worth of 'light-bulb moment' entries in which I'd FINALLY REALIZED what I needed to do in order to lose weight and how I'd FINALLY turned the corner FOR REAL this time.
Oh yes. I had journals full of these epiphanies too - moments that just sizzled away...
I finally threw out the journals with the endless, repetitive babbling/daydreaming/whining about how everything would be perfect if I just lost all the weight, if only I could wake up the next morning thin, if only - if only. In the end even I got bored with them: pages upon pages where nothing happened, nothing got done.
Now I have a body log in stead. A log where I write down what I actually *do* to lose weight: my workouts, the food/calories I eat, my plans, goals and rewards, the emotional and cognitive exercises I do aimed to address my hang-ups, motivation, body image, fears, etc. And everything in this log is directed at the "here and now" / "what I'm actually doing" / "the reality" - not the "if only".

And cakegirl - everybody here is right: find your own way, stick with it, and look into why you're who you are, how you got here and why you stay!
Have you read the latest "The Skinny Daily Post"? Juju writes about how the truth of weight loss is never sexy or magical - just plain old hard work! Check it out here: https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/a-109/
I wish you the best - and everybody else who have posted here too. You guys are really the best. I've never been at a place with so many motivating and smart people before.
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Old 07-15-2004, 12:23 PM   #12
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Cakegirl, I understand exactly where you are coming from. Hold your chin up and take baby steps. It's a lot of work, but you can do it!!!!!
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Old 07-24-2004, 11:52 PM   #13
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Cakegirl, we've all been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. You are NOT alone!!

1) Chuck the "fad" diets - you need to remember that your new diet is for LIFE, therefore it has to be something that you could realistically stick to in the long term. YOU can design your own diet, remembering that it is constantly flexible and open to change. What you need to "build" this diet on is the Basics, such as:

- Fruit
- Vegies
- Wholegrain breads and pastas
- Lean meat, chicken breast (sorry no skin!)
- Fish
- Plenty of water!
- Milk, Yoghurt, Cheese (very small servings for cheese)

... etc
The more of this sort of stuff you eat, the better

2) Time to get MOVING! The weight ain't gonna move, and stay off, unless YOU move. And, as an added bonus, you'll start feeling great! As mentioned above, you don't have to run a marathon everyday. Start small, then keep building up and up as your fitness slowly improves.

3) ENJOY THE JOURNEY. The best thing about the journey in losing weight and revealing a new, healthier, slimmer "you" is the self-discovery! It is a profound time in your life, as you discover just how amazing, strong and self-disicplined you are! I myself want to have the sort of body I can look at and feel PROUD of, because it will be the product of very hard work!

4) SUPPORT IS ESSENTIAL ... and you don't have to pay for it, after all, 3fatchicks is FREE FREE FREEEE!

Good luck!
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If you're feeling a bit hungry - Go Eat an Apple!

GOALS Last Updated 24 Oct 2004
Height: 5'4"
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ST goal 1: 174 pounds reached 18 Aug 04
ST goal 2: 145 pounds
LT goal: 130 pounds (approx) which will be a loss of nearly 60 pounds in total.



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Old 07-25-2004, 12:08 AM   #14
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I've also had plenty of those light bulb moments thinking I had finally figured out how I was going to lose the weight that was dragging me down. Ultimately I ended up feeling like a loser when I couldn't lose any weight. I have no magic solutions. A lot of very good advice has already been given here so I won't add anything except to say that the best thing about 3FC is that I feel a lot more accepted in the world knowing that there are plenty of people out there going through the same stuff that I am.
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Old 07-25-2004, 10:17 AM   #15
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What helped me really seriously lose weight and keep it off was reframing. The last time I set out to lose weight I decided that losing weight wasn't going to be what it was about. What it was going to be about was getting fit. Getting fit meant eating healthy day by day, exercising day by day, writing down what I ate honestly even on bad days, drinking water. Every time I did those things it was a win, and I celebrated each winning day. Success breeds success, for each win I wanted another, and gradually it got easier. I have bad days (heck last year was a bad year) but I've never been as heavy as I was 3 years ago, and I'm stronger and in better shape than I ever was.

Look at the weight loss as a side effect of getting fit. Breaking free of the scale as the primary motivator avoids all the rotten feelings of failure when you don't lose quickly enough, or gain even though you're doing everything right. Celebrate the winning steps on your journey. The body log idea above is a great one.

I hope this is helpful.

Linda C.
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