When you start to make positive changes in your life, you are going to be judged for it. People are going to look at you like you are weird. These people are called haters. They try to bring you back down to their level.
Now, we all know that being a “hater” towards someone who is overweight is rude, socially unacceptable and just downright mean. And, you can also face criminal charges for it.
But, hating on someone who is trying to make positive changes isn't always seen the same way.
Consider these two scenarios:
Steve - “I’ll have the salad please.”
Sarah - “The fish and asparagus please.”
Bob - “The hamburger. All toppings. Make it a double.”
Let’s say, for the sake of argument, Steve and Sarah are pretty fit whilst Bob is overweight. It would be incredibly rude if either Steve or Sarah said to Bob “you’re fat, you should have a salad instead.”
Bob can eat however he wants. It’s his life.
Let’s turn the tables now:
Steve - “I’ll have the pizza, extra anchovies, and the garlic bread on the side.”
Sarah - “The double whopper burger, with extra fries.”
Bob - “The chicken caesar salad please.”
Now, how many of you can imagine the Steve and Sarah now saying, “come on Bob, live a little. Stop depriving yourself!”
If you are health conscious (or are trying to be) then I bet you have faced situations like this. When someone eats unhealthily, no one says anything. It’s rude. But it becomes acceptable to hate on someone when they are trying to eat healthily. This is because hating on people trying to be healthy isn't seen as an insult. It is more passive aggressive than that.
In my experience the types of hater broadly fall into 2 categories. There are the outright haters and the passive aggressive haters.
The outright haters are easier (still not easy) to deal with than the passive aggressive haters. That is because the outright haters know what they are doing – they intend to hurt.
But the truth is, they actually hate themselves – they hate to see someone else making positive improvements to their life whilst they are sitting around doing nothing. You remind them that they are unhappy about their own areas of their life.
It is too much effort and too scary for a lot of people to be faced with their own unhappiness, so instead of dealing with it they attempt to bring you back down to their level. They offer abuse and make you feel embarrassed about trying to be better in the hopes you give up.
To deal with these haters, you need to consider the source of that hate. Is the person offering you abuse overweight and unfit themselves? Their “unhappiness” may not be readily apparently, maybe it’s more mental. Whether you can see it or not, it exists.
Now, the second kind of haters, the “passive aggressive” haters are harder to deal with. That is because they don’t know they are haters and don’t mean to hurt you. But they do none the less. These also tend to be people you know, friends, family co-workers etc.
How many times have you heard these words “one piece of cake won’t hurt”?
Yes. It. Bloody. Will.
Physically, maybe not. Mentally, if you’re struggling to control your appetite, trying to make positive changes, finding it difficult to stick to any new healthy routine, then someone thrusting a piece of chocolate cake under your nose and saying that it won’t hurt is the worst possible thing that can happen. Your healthy lifestyle starts to break down, you think you've failed, you feel guilty. So to combat all of this, you inevitably eat more cake to feel better about yourselves. Instead you feel even more guilt and the spiral continues (maybe a bit over dramatic, but you get the point).
The problem is, when some says something like this to us, we get defensive. We try to give excuses about why we shouldn't. Our defenses go up. And when the other side sees our defenses, they can break them down. When you try to justify something to another person, what is really happening is that you are trying to justify it to yourself. The moment you do that, doubt creeps into your own mind and you start questioning your own argument. This gives the haters the opportunity to wear down your defenses.
You – “But I shouldn’t because I’m trying to lose weight”
Them – “But you look good already, you can afford one piece”
The sad things is, these haters don’t really understand your emotions and the journey you are on. So there are a couple of ways to deal with it. Firstly, get them on your side. Explain to them what you are trying to achieve and then ASK FOR THEIR SUPPORT. The majority of people, once they understand you, will only be more than happy to support you on your journey. And who knows, you might even inspire them to make their own changes.
And if they don’t, or if they still don’t get it and thrust cake at you, instead of raiding your defenses and offering excuses why you shouldn't you can simply say one simple sentence.
“I’m weird, it works for me.”
No defenses, just acceptance that you are on a different journey to them. You’re not trying to justify anything, therefore there are no barriers to break down. And the best bit, the other side will struggle to formulate a response to this and stop trying to push food on you.
If, after all of this, the people you know aren't supportive of your journey, then consider who you are spending your time with. Do you want to spend your time with people who always pull you down and aren't supportive of you trying to reach new levels with your life? Is now the time to look for a new group of friends, true friends who will help you reach your goals and support you when the going gets tough.
Your time is an immensely valuable commodity - don’t waste it with people who will never help you achieve greater things.
This doesn't mean you can’t have unhealthy friends. Just make sure you are also spending time with people who are supportive of your changes, who are hopefully making or have made similar changes in their own lives.
Want to know who my biggest hater was when I started my journey?
My mother. My own bloody mother.
Every time I went home I had lost a bit of weight, so she just assumed that I was being unhealthy and tried to fatten me up with cake. Even when I started packing on muscle, she just didn't understand. Even today, I have yet been able to get her on board with my new lifestyle. It doesn't mean I stop spending time with her. But I have convinced her to accept that I’m weird and will remain that way. She now respects my wishes and doesn't try to force things on me all of the time (she still tries every so often but gives in easily when I just admit I’m weird).
And, thinking about it, I've not met another successful person (successful in any area of their life) who isn't weird. That's because they've all made certain sacrifices, created their own weird routines that work for them. Most of these decisions are completely against the grain of what "normal" people do. So, it's cool to be weird.
In fact, if you're not weird, then get weird. It means you are different and are trying, whilst the normal people sit there and hate because they are unhappy with being the same as everyone else.
It gives better understanding of those around you who say stuff that I might find hurtful, yet I know that they don't mean to.
The person who I used to get really upset about was my best friend. She has never been over 175, quite tall, very slim and very energetic her entire life. Doesn't understand the physical demand that being 300+ lbs has on a body. She used to assume that I over eat and am too lazy to work out. Yet I was going to the gym 3-4 times a week and eating 1300 - 1500 calories per day, nearly half of what she was. I started losing weight, which you would expect.... it was like she expected to see results fast if I was doing what I said I was doing.
She never meant any harm, but it was only once I burst into tears one day and told her that her words were always very hurtful because I expected a doctor to assume I was hiding food or not being honest with myself, but not from a best friend. Her reply was she was trying tough love..... when actually, she had no idea about the struggles I was facing trying to get people to believe me, believe that I just had a slow metabolism which I was fine about as long as I worked hard at it.
It is very difficult for someone who has never been overweight to give advice on how to lose weight. An overweight body can act very very different from those who are much lighter. My own body acts very different to others who have the same stats, so I have to take a step back and listen to what my body is telling me.
Thinking about it, it can all simple come down to how you feel about yourself. Sometimes we are our own biggest haters. But if you know that you are on the right track and believe in yourself, then whatever anyone else says doesn't matter. Obviously much easier said than done, as with anything - but hopefully being able to deal with others who can cause harm will help alleviate some of those issues!
I am finding more "haters" with regards to the changes I made/am making regarding limiting my alcohol or moving to eliminate it and with quitting smoking. Granted, these are "bar friends" that I know from my weekly karaoke outings. I think Davey is right. People feel threatened by their own habits and are insecure about their own habits and feel jealous that someone else is taking action to change.
Not so many "hater" comments about my weight loss or dietary changes. Except one person, who kept trying to tell me and sell me that "their" WOE was better than mine. She was very insistent. She didn't even notice my weight loss, then someone mentioned it. I confirmed that, yes, I had dropped 2 sizes and 30 pounds. And get this, she compared my beginner weight loss with the initial loss of another friend's (who eventually lost about 90 pounds) and said you don't realize how big someone is (or how much weight someone has to lose) until you hear that they've dropped 30 pounds and you hardly notice it. ??? What was THAT supposed to mean? I thought that was totally rude. I just said that each person needs to find their own path to success.
I haven't really had hater comments at my current weight. When I was in my 20's and very, very skinny (~105) I did get some comments, but in retrospect, some of those folks might have actually been telling the truth to me. Anyway, no danger I'd ever get that low again!
I did have a recent comment made to me that I thought was odd. I was having a conversation with an overweight friend and exercise buddy who was the one who had originally motivated me to start losing. Unfortunately for her, she's gained almost all her weight back while I have continued to lose. So we were talking on the phone about Christmas parties and weight loss and I said to her about an old (but fabulous) outfit I was thinking of wearing to one: "And one of the best parts is that it's a size 8, but I'm not really size 8." And she said, "Believe me, I know. I've seen you. I know you're nowhere near a real size 8." I just laughed and said, "I wish, right?" But the truth is, I'm not that far off a real size 8 these days. I chalked her comment up to jealousy, but for future reference I filed away the info that she needs to bring me down to feel good about herself. I also guess she felt I was bragging, so I've learned my lesson not to discuss weight loss triumphs with her anymore.
This isn't about haters, but what about when adults force food on kids? When I was growing up I was told I was fat by adults yet they still insisted that I eat or put more on my plate when I was at a function, gathering, party, whatever. How can you tell me I'm fat and then try to feed me? What I ate should have been my parents' business and my own, not anyone else's.
circa Sadly most of us come from a society where over feeding children is a must, I think it actually came from around the time of the world wars where rationing was in place. People ate when they had food because they didn't know when they would get a full meal again. This means that most grandmothers are still stuck in the notion of overfeeding children just because there is food around. Parents then pick up the habit and they do the same. All it takes it one person in that line to break the habit though.
I used to volunteer with a few old ladies at a thrift store. They would sometimes try to make me do silly things like answering the door in a weird voice or something along those lines. In a support group I went to I learned that you are not supposed to continue asking someone something if they said no the first time. I would say no to these ladies and they would say "come on you can do it." Over and over again until I caved in and did it. I would feel very embarrassed and sort of ashamed afterwards but, they would not take no for an answer. I was sort of worried that they would say something when we had cake one day but, they didn't.
So I get what you mean. It's really annoying when people don't take no for an answer. Not to mention it's socially inappropriate.
Last edited by Harrypotterrocks; 12-17-2016 at 08:56 PM.
Why do dieters feel they are entitled to support from everyone around them? Friends, family, and strangers alike? Dude what you put inside your body is none of my business. And then of course there are the people who are scared of cake because they have zero trust in themselves. It's so easy to blame someone who offers you cake when in reality you live in constant fear of food. You've changed a few things and suddenly everyone hates you. Paranoid much?
I'm not a dieter, but I'm not a food pusher either. I can take no for an answer and am very respectful of people's food choices as long as they don't infringe on mine. But I know that sometimes people work really hard to make a beautiful cake and they just want someone to taste it and fawn over it. That is not about you! But you would probably call me a hater so I'll let you in a little secret. Us "haters" are not judging you about your weightloss or your food choices, and you are not making the rest of us feel bad about our own choices. We hate people who lose weight and get smug. People who practice weight suppression think they are making food choices that elevate them into superior people. I can't tell you how much advice I'm being offered by people who've lost weight, as if I asked! As if successful weight suppression makes you an expert on other people's bodies. By all means, feel good about yourself. But body modification is not something I glorify or aspire to, so I don't need the lectures and I don't want to engage in conversations where some foods are good and some foods are bad. If you're sensing hate because of jealousy then you couldn't be more wrong. But dieters have a way of making everyone feel uncomfortable, because they themselves are so uncomfortable and WEIRD around food. It is discomfort you are sensing, not hate. People are telling you that one slice of cake won't hurt you because you look petrified, that's all. So eat what you want, nobody cares.
Last edited by Palestrina; 12-19-2016 at 04:59 PM.
Wow Palestrina I think you have went completely off topic and by doing that you have insulted most people who may come across this. I for one am not a person on a diet, I am changing my eating habits and lifestyle in order to become a healthier me. I have also NEVER demanded support from anyone, I have simply asked people (who are very very close to me) to not offer me things I shouldn't eat (because My own will power is weak), the same way when I was a vegetarian and I asked people to not offer me meat. Sadly what I put inside my body is very much my mothers business, as she needs to eat it too considering I cook for both of us. But other than the immediate house hold, yes you are correct, what I put in my mouth is no ones business. Which also in return means that no one should comment on what I put in my mouth either, however society will still look at a fat person and judge them on eating something like a chocolate bar.
Those who have a fear of cake or food are usually those who have genuine food disorders and battle the "should I, shouldn't I", in their head constantly. I have never suffered depression in association with food, I see a cake and go "ooohhh Yummy, I WANT IT" but just as quick the voice in my head goes "put the darn cake down". Millions of people would have the same reaction, but its the quick understanding that you are neither hungry, or willing to go over calories, that separates those with a disorder and those who don't.
I am glad that you are not a food pusher and that you respect others answers when they don't want any, however there are many of these people out there. I also understand that there are people who go out and make beautiful cakes and just want people to have a taste. I am able in that position to have a little try and then tell them my opinion of it, but there are people out there who would not be able to stop at just a little try, so they simply have to say no. It shouldn't offend anyone that they said no, it shouldn't offend the cake maker that they have said no, because like you mentioned, what they put in their mouth, or in reverse, what they don't put in their mouth, is no ones business.
There will always be people who lose weight and get smug, in the same way that people get rich and get smug, or people who get promoted and get smug, but there are a lot more people who lose weight and feel great! They gain so much more confidence, are happy, and active, and guess what...... their family, friends, and co-workers don't like it. They don't like it because they are truly happy in themselves and the smell of jealously is rife. There are many people who lose weight the wrong way, they don't learn much from it. But those who do it the correct way, learning about foods, calorie counting, macros and working out. When someone asks me how I have lost weight, I will give them some advice and hope that they take it on board. I will never give dieting advice to someone who doesn't want it, but most people usually ask those who have lost a lot of weight, "how did you do it?". If you have been surrounded by people who like to comment on what you eat and you are not happy with it, then simply tell them what you preach "what I put in my mouth is none of your business". Everyone's body acts differently to certain foods, those who diet correctly, know this! I can't eat pasta, I love it, but I can't have it. I'm sure as heck not going to start slapping it out of the hands of my closest friends and family, just because I can't have it.
Would I say you were a hater? Yes! 100% but for all the wrong reasons, you label every single dieter the exact same. When a friend of mine was on a diet and ordered a salad instead of a big BBQ Burger that I had ordered, did I feel awkward? Not in the slightest. When at a party and I went around offering cake to people, did I feel weird or uncomfortable that my Aunt Maggie didn't want a slice? Of course not! When making Christmas dinner, did I feel uneasy when my sister asked me to only put meat and veg on her plate and not potatoes? No Way! I never even asked why! I later found out it was because she was pregnant, and for some reason the smell of the potatoes were making her feel sick, but it was none of my business!
While you tell people that it is ok to have a slice of cake when they look petrified of it, you should also be able to tell people that it is ok to not have a slice if they are worried about the calorie impact it will have on their day. Just because you follow a regime of eating what you want, you can't force other people to follow your own rules. If anything you are saying you are supportive but then being hypocritical, by saying that people shouldn't be happy and confident that they have lost weight, tell anyone how they did it, or refuse food.
Makes me think..... what are you even doing on this forum?
Haters gonna hate, hate, hate…
