[JesikaBeth]

Hello everyone

My wife is an emotional eater, and doesn't do much about it. She realized it about a year ago and came to accept it within herself. BUT, again, she doesn't care much to change. She is 100 pounds overweight.

I am a recovered Anorexic/Bulimic/Compulsive Eater (since 2005) When we met in 2012, we were both significantly overweight. Shortly after we got engaged, I was diagnosed with Cancer. I gained much more weight during chemotherapy due to the steroids they put me on, topping off at 323 pounds

When I was told I was Cancer free, I kind of was at a crossroads in my life. I had a major "ah-hah", if you will, and decided it was time for me to become proactive with my weight and my health. Since October 2014, I have lost over 90 pounds. I have just around 50 pounds to go until my goal weight

So the point of this post is: I love my wife at any weight. This post is not about that. While she has lost some weight, she is definitely not proactive or trying. Ordinarily, that would be fine, it's her life and her body, but A - I am worried for her health. I am diabetic, and I am concerned she'll be walking herself into a great deal of medical problems (and yes, we've talked extensively about this.) and B - She is jealous of my weight loss. She tries to be excited/supportive, etc. but often it's dulled down and she has also verbally expressed her jealousy to me

SO... anyone else in a similar situation or have any suggestions/advice? I am very proud of myself coming from where I've been, but sometimes it's a challenge when it comes to being married to an emotional eater.

[lemonthyme]

It's hard - I am a stress eater and my DH is the emotional eater. Plus with love, he finds food to be a way of showing it for me and gets disappointed if I am not excited he's bought me a dove ice cream bar (love them, can't eat them often the scale goes haywire!). I have been trying to lose weight and struggle in part because of this. He needs to lose weight as well, but you can't force them to do something. I have tried encouraging him to join me and he does for about 2 weeks and then its back to the same-o. Until the other is ready, things won't change just go along and perhaps make meals that will benefit you both.

Jealousy can be difficult, you see someone elses success and they may find/deduce it's been easy going for you (often times it's work, but they see your success as something quick). I know my DH gets a bit blue when I say hey I am down some weight. I haven't been proclaiming loss, unless I dip below a goal. I just try to keep with it. I have been keeping quiet on mine, but he's noticing the loss. I am finding he tries to be a bit more active as my scale goes down. I am sorry your's is using the loss as a chance to be verbal about it. Hopefully that goes away soon.

Will your wife join you for a walk or swim each night? Even something fun/goofy out of the norm like jumping on a trampoline can be fun and get you the exercise you need and a chance to laugh and have fun. Perhaps put opportunities out there for her to join you, don't be blue/bitter if she declines. You have asked. I have been encouraging DH to go swimming w/me and the kids and that has been something he's finding enjoyable.

Good luck. I know when you love someone no matter their package and for their heart it can be sad when you see them struggle and not want to make changes as you do.

[JesikaBeth]

Originally Posted by lemonthyme

It's hard - I am a stress eater and my DH is the emotional eater. Plus with love, he finds food to be a way of showing it for me and gets disappointed if I am not excited he's bought me a dove ice cream bar (love them, can't eat them often the scale goes haywire!). I have been trying to lose weight and struggle in part because of this. He needs to lose weight as well, but you can't force them to do something. I have tried encouraging him to join me and he does for about 2 weeks and then its back to the same-o. Until the other is ready, things won't change just go along and perhaps make meals that will benefit you both.

Jealousy can be difficult, you see someone elses success and they may find/deduce it's been easy going for you (often times it's work, but they see your success as something quick). I know my DH gets a bit blue when I say hey I am down some weight. I haven't been proclaiming loss, unless I dip below a goal. I just try to keep with it. I have been keeping quiet on mine, but he's noticing the loss. I am finding he tries to be a bit more active as my scale goes down. I am sorry your's is using the loss as a chance to be verbal about it. Hopefully that goes away soon.

Will your wife join you for a walk or swim each night? Even something fun/goofy out of the norm like jumping on a trampoline can be fun and get you the exercise you need and a chance to laugh and have fun. Perhaps put opportunities out there for her to join you, don't be blue/bitter if she declines. You have asked. I have been encouraging DH to go swimming w/me and the kids and that has been something he's finding enjoyable.

Good luck. I know when you love someone no matter their package and for their heart it can be sad when you see them struggle and not want to make changes as you do.

Hello there Thank you for your response! It definitely is a challenge, and I know that there's nothing I can do. I try to be as supportive as I can, but sometimes it's hard - - both ways. I have a strange work schedule, so 2 nights a week I do not get home until 10pm. The other 3 nights I am home at a normal time, but tbh she's just not motivated enough for herself to want to change. She does, however, walk our dog on my late nights. I think it's a great idea to find some type of physical activity that is fun. Thank you for that suggestion. And I relate to what you said about your DH joining you for a couple of weeks, then back to the same 'ole. My wife does the same. Thanks again for your response! I appreciate it. Best wishes to you

[Palestrina]

Speaking as someone who feels jealous when others lose weight I can assure you that the jealousy has nothing to do with you. I don't think your wife means to wish weight gain on you but when someone loses weight it makes one think about what's wrong with us. This is especially true if the person who loses weight seems to be a little self righteous and honestly you do come off a little smug. I don't mean that in a mean way, and it's natural to feel a sense of accomplishment but you're accusing her of not wanting to change so this does inevitably become a moral issue. You want it and she must not want it. You changed, she doesn't want to change. You succeed, she fails.

Studies show that diets don't work and there is overwhelming evidence that dieters gain weight back and then some. It's just not feasible for people to change eating what they like to eat. Instead of thinking about just nutrition you must think about the whole health of the individual. It helps me so much to understand that my health does not depend on just salads and treadmill miles. For me the pillars of healthy include adequate sleep, nutrition, hydration, rest, good digestion, stress relief, exercise, laughter, intimacy, and human connection. I've actually written these things on my wall and when I feel the need to overindulge in food I look at them and try to figure out which one is lacking. If I sleep poorly the next day I'm jonesing for carbs. In fact, an imbalance of any of these causes me to overeat.

Also it seems strange to me that people think that changing what you eat will have any effect on emotional eating. If she's using food to cope with her emotions then how exactly is a diet going to fix that? First she'll feel stress and hunger from the diet AND she will not have the food she needs to cope with her emotions. That's like like putting a bandaid on your elbow when you have a broken leg bone. It just doesn't make sense. She clearly has to find more effective ways to cope with her stress than food and a diet is the opposite of that.

[ImpalaHoarder]

I'm kind of on the opposite side, so here's my perspective.

My boyfriend used to be heavy, and he lost a lot of weight. For the last year I've been trying to lose weight, and he's been feeling like I haven't. But what was happening in that time was that I was trying a bunch of different things and seeing what I could stick with. You can't tell someone to "have willpower". It's like saying "Have an expensive car!" If they DON'T have willpower already, they can't will themselves to have it. So you find tricks, ways to work around a lack of willpower or build it up over time. That's what I've been doing for the last year, and meanwhile, my weight has been going up. Only a month ago did I find the thing that worked for my weight to start going down.

So first of all, give her time. If she is losing weight, even if it's slow, let her do it her way. Slow weight loss is good. If she hasn't found something that works for her yet, you can suggest new activities you think she might like or diets that might work for her, but ultimately she needs to experiment a little, I suspect.

Second, I think something that really helped me turn a corner was starting to address my mental health. I started seeing a therapist, and dealing with my other issues better and better has left me with more energy to spend on exercise and resisting temptation and fewer problems to self-medicate with food. I would definitely recommend therapy. Check if it's covered reasonably cheaply by your insurance, because often it is.

[JesikaBeth]

Originally Posted by Palestrina

Speaking as someone who feels jealous when others lose weight I can assure you that the jealousy has nothing to do with you. I don't think your wife means to wish weight gain on you but when someone loses weight it makes one think about what's wrong with us. This is especially true if the person who loses weight seems to be a little self righteous and honestly you do come off a little smug. I don't mean that in a mean way, and it's natural to feel a sense of accomplishment but you're accusing her of not wanting to change so this does inevitably become a moral issue. You want it and she must not want it. You changed, she doesn't want to change. You succeed, she fails.

Studies show that diets don't work and there is overwhelming evidence that dieters gain weight back and then some. It's just not feasible for people to change eating what they like to eat. Instead of thinking about just nutrition you must think about the whole health of the individual. It helps me so much to understand that my health does not depend on just salads and treadmill miles. For me the pillars of healthy include adequate sleep, nutrition, hydration, rest, good digestion, stress relief, exercise, laughter, intimacy, and human connection. I've actually written these things on my wall and when I feel the need to overindulge in food I look at them and try to figure out which one is lacking. If I sleep poorly the next day I'm jonesing for carbs. In fact, an imbalance of any of these causes me to overeat.

Also it seems strange to me that people think that changing what you eat will have any effect on emotional eating. If she's using food to cope with her emotions then how exactly is a diet going to fix that? First she'll feel stress and hunger from the diet AND she will not have the food she needs to cope with her emotions. That's like like putting a bandaid on your elbow when you have a broken leg bone. It just doesn't make sense. She clearly has to find more effective ways to cope with her stress than food and a diet is the opposite of that.

Thank you for your response. And yes, she doesn't quite "get" that part (i.e. using food to change how she feels.) She has made that connection that that is what she does, but she still very much has a complete diet mentality. And you're right, it's not about me (her jealousy.) As for the smug thing, I do feel a sense of accomplishment. As I feel I should, BUT I do not want to see her failing, nor do I view her as failing... In fact I don't care if she doesn't lose a single pound (if it wasn't for her health). I do not view it at a succeed/fail thing, but she does. You are correct, she does not want to change "enough" - she's said that to me... and again, the *only* reason I would want her to change is for health reasons and to be happier within herself.

[JesikaBeth]

Originally Posted by ImpalaHoarder

I'm kind of on the opposite side, so here's my perspective.

My boyfriend used to be heavy, and he lost a lot of weight. For the last year I've been trying to lose weight, and he's been feeling like I haven't. But what was happening in that time was that I was trying a bunch of different things and seeing what I could stick with. You can't tell someone to "have willpower". It's like saying "Have an expensive car!" If they DON'T have willpower already, they can't will themselves to have it. So you find tricks, ways to work around a lack of willpower or build it up over time. That's what I've been doing for the last year, and meanwhile, my weight has been going up. Only a month ago did I find the thing that worked for my weight to start going down.

So first of all, give her time. If she is losing weight, even if it's slow, let her do it her way. Slow weight loss is good. If she hasn't found something that works for her yet, you can suggest new activities you think she might like or diets that might work for her, but ultimately she needs to experiment a little, I suspect.

Second, I think something that really helped me turn a corner was starting to address my mental health. I started seeing a therapist, and dealing with my other issues better and better has left me with more energy to spend on exercise and resisting temptation and fewer problems to self-medicate with food. I would definitely recommend therapy. Check if it's covered reasonably cheaply by your insurance, because often it is.

Thank you for your response. I fear, though, my original post had come out wrong or not the way I was intending it to sound

As for therapy, I am in therapy and I agree it's very helpful