I'm literally on the verge of tears, because I don't know what to do anymore. I have the most messed up relationship with food than anyone that I know.
I lost 20 pounds one summer about 3 years ago through calorie counting, and I kept it off. Last year, I started taking an antidepressant called Wellbutrin, and I lost an additional 30 pounds through calorie counting, Wellbutrin, and becoming a vegan. Unfortunately, it stopped working for my depression, and I stopped taking it. I gained some weight then stopped being a vegan and started binge eating and I gained some more weight. As of now, I gained back 26 pounds, and I am devastated.
I stopped counting calories, because it's developed into a MAJOR issue for me. Even when I have a lot of calories left for the day, I still get anxious. I get anxious about calories first thing in the morning even though I have a full days worth of calories at my disposal. I freak out if I don't know how many calories something has in it. I freak out if I ate over my calories. I freak out if I eat under my calories. I've tried not counting calories, but I freak out because I don't know how much food I'm consuming! What if I'm eating way too much, and I won't lose any weight? I want to be in tune with my body and eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full, but I get nervous, because I don't know how much I'm eating.
I tried being a vegan again, but I couldn't stick with it. I've read Brain Over Binge and How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too, I went to two different therapists, a psychologist, but nothing is working. The books gave me great insight, but I just can't seem to implement what they say. I went to a psychiatrist for medication, but I'm reluctant to take the Prozac she prescribed me, because of feared weight gain. I was on Lexapro before, and I gained weight. The Wellbutrin worked fine at first and helped me lose weight, but I realized that it was the reason for my hair falling out! I'm scared to take anymore meds, because of these adverse side effects, but I need help.
I can't stop thinking about food. When I have other things to worry about, I realize that I eat less, but for the most part, one I realize that I'm distracted, my mind goes right back to thinking about food. The worst part is that I eat food that I don't even like, because of some dumb fear of never being able to eat it again.
To make matters worse, I've been putting off taking my LSAT for about 2 years, and I need to take the test to start my life. I get a panic attack every time I go to sit down to study for the test, and I can't take it anymore. I'm having issues at home, and I want to leave, but I won't be able to save money if I leave, and I probably won't be able to afford to be on my own anyway. I have no one to move in with, and I don't want to live with a complete stranger.
I don't know what to do. I'm a depressed and anxious mess. Should I just try the Prozac even if it makes me fat? I feel stuck, numb, and like nothing is helping. I'm sorry if this is a bit incoherent and if my paragraphs seem randomly placed.
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. It's frustrating and unnerving to not have an answer even after all the doctors.
However, I think most important is getting your mental health in check. That will be a combination of things, which will include food and exercise, but I think rather than a goal of "losing weight", you should focus on "getting healthy" - body AND mind.
I understand being afraid to start the Prozac because of weight gain. Did your doctor talk to you about how to mitigate those concerns? Have they given you non-medical ways to work on your depression issues as well? I don't know the answers and I'm not a doctor, but I know from personal experience that trying to lose weight while being depressed is a losing battle in so many ways.
Take care of yourself and good luck with whatever path you take.
Dear C.
I admire your looking for a solution to fixing your problems Have you ever tried writing this out/print-it out, just as you did on this post? Because it could be a good idea to help get some advice for you from people.
My first person I turn to for help & peace since I was a child is Jesus, since I walked to Sunday school with a friend & my own family didn't go... I get it about emotional problems & maybe there are beneficial drugs, but side effects can be a disaster too. My suggestions for a person who I care about to heal their self-esteem which is mental health & physical problems are:
#1. Volunteer your time to a local organization or church, giving makes a difference in the lives of people in need; & the side effects for you are wonderful feelins of achievement & also burning fat calories because you're active whether it's office work or activities
#2. Church. Go & enjoy the peace & faith in the messages. It will help you to Find strength & hope & answers.
#3. Get a appointment with a Naturopathic doctor to see if your body is needing a nutritional nutrient. Analyzing a lab test could show why your body isn't functioning mentally or physically normal.
#4. Walk daily at least 1 mile, use a counter, a pedometer or Fitbit Charge that also shows your sleep pattern & has a intake-output dashboard for food, water, steps, & miles walking.
The world hasn't changed since I was in my 20's & 30's. I felt like I had to wear my size 6-8, size small clothing & a mini-skirt & bikini even after pregnancy, society is the same. Staying active & being a volunteer in my community, at my kid's schools & at church giving my time got me healthier emotionally & physically, more than the drug the psychologist had me try because I was a victim of abuse. I am a survivor & I'm here & I'm happy because I know that God has a purpose for each of us that have faith in Him, HE will not give up on us or fail to give us His Love or His peace.
You are a beautiful girl, please believe in yourself.
I agree with the ladies that have posted. I know where you are in your mind, I have been in that same spot. God does have a purpose for you, and I will be praying for you!
Thanks for sharing your story, it's very brave of you. I know not everyone agrees with anti-depressants but if you and your doctor BOTH feel that they are necessary then it may be a good idea.
However, there is a lot of evidence that anti-depressants will only make you a gain a few pounds at most, and it is possible to lose weight whilst taking them (I've lost 20 pounds!). Speak with your doctor about what the right treatment is for you as there are so many options - medication, CBT, mindfulness/meditation to help get rid of the nagging calorie thoughts.
The body and mind are so connected, and you deserve to be happy in both. Best wishes
Just popping in to say - I know everyone's body is different, but I lost roughly 30 lbs while I was on prozac. It wasn't because of the medicine per se, but just your regular low-calorie eating and a lot of exercise while I was on it. I wasn't active here back then but I was reading. Mentioning this just to say - prozac doesn't necessarily equal weight gain.
(I did gain it all back later and 10 lbs more because I was simply not mentally in the place for sustained weight loss. And now I've just about lost all that again and am mentally in a way better place. So I'd definitely say that fixing the mind comes first, weight can come and go!)
Awe Hi Chaselove I have felt the pain you feel.You are not alone and I agree GOD is the first place to look for peace and healing.Jesus has been my ultimate best friend since I was 13.
I went through PTSD 14mo after I hemorrhaged after my son was born 10yrs ago and that stress sent me in to full menopause from age 35-38.Needless to say I couldn't go on hormones to help with all the hormonal shifts so I had to go on EFFEXOR for anxiety which I now call my menopause pill.
I put on 25lbs mostly because I was happy again.
I tend to be obsessive about my weight so I get the stress over calories,because I am a numbers girl,but I look at your height and weight and girl you are under 200lbs so look at the glass half full.You can do this but hang in there and deep breathe at times and pray a lot but most of all be kind to yourself.
The first step in this all is to not self loathe, You are more than a number on the scale and GOD does not make junk
Best wishes to you
I would go back on psych meds without a doubt, although I've never heard of Wellbutrin making hair fall out. When it stopped working it was probably only a matter of needing to increase the dosage...sometimes they need to be tweaked a bit after some time. If you didn't like Wellbutrin then try another one. You can lose weight while on them for sure. Your calorie counting is causing anxiety so try another method...or allow yourself to eat anywhere from 1,200-1,550 a day, I'd say that's a fine range. It doesn't need to be on the dot.
First thing I want to say is that you do NOT need to go to law school for your life to begin! Your life begins NOW. I know a lot of lawyers and law school can mean uncertain employment and lots of student loans. Focus on what you do have. Keep yourself busy - maybe even get a side job - and save up for a really cool vacation or save up for law school if that dream is non negotiable. Dog walking would be great because it would get you up, outdoors, and exercising. If you can afford it, get a personal trainer.
Personally, I would look into nutritional deficiencies and increasing exercise before an antidepressant, BUT I do know that not everyone gains weight on Prozac. My sister in law gained a ton of weight on Welbutrin so I think you just don't know how Prozac or any other chemical will affect you.
Also, as far as the calorie counting, I used to be that way when I was super skinny (my entire teens and twenties). In retrospect I was obsessed. Now that I'm almost 50, I've been able to put healthy eating in its proper place. Can you isolate your triggers - e.g. sugar, diet soda, bread? Maybe start by just eliminating one of them. For me, for instance, it used to be diet soda, now for sure it's starchy food. I eat it and I just want more (thus the 6 pound weight gain over Christmas). So now, I've responded to that by eliminating a slice of toast for breakfast and having an additional egg. Calories haven't changed, but with the bread trigger gone I was able to have my first good day yesterday since Christmas.
I don't know what to do anymore
Have you ever tried writing this out/print-it out, just as you did on this post? Because it could be a good idea to help get some advice for you from people.
Dee
It wasn't because of the medicine per se, but just your regular low-calorie eating and a lot of exercise while I was on it. I wasn't active here back then but I was reading. Mentioning this just to say - prozac doesn't necessarily equal weight gain. 
