Fat girl in wedding pictures - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

leopardspots · 09-19-2015, 01:56 PM

So, my best friend got engaged last night. Yay! I'm so thrilled for her and expect to be asked to stand up with her in her wedding, along with her sister.

I was telling my husband and he asked me how big her sister is and I tell him she's a healthy size. He then makes a face and says that its good I'm dieting cuz I don't want to be the fat girl in the pictures. I told him I can't believe he said that to me and he was embarrassed and said he notices a difference and knows I'm working on it. He really didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I'm still pissed.

Does he not think not wanting to be fat in wedding pictures was one of the first thoughts in my mind, as f'd up as that is? That I don't compare myself to every single woman I see? That as an engineer, I don't get inundated EVERY DAY by misogynist comments about all female engineers being fat and ugly and knowing I fit that stereotype?

I've lost almost 30lbs and am in a size 14 now. I'm in a panic to lose weight before I go on a cruise in Dec. Haven't started shopping and am dreading it already. I'll certainly put it off until the last minute. And he always complains that there are no pictures of me, even on vacation, etc. Well, duh. And he's no 10 himself. Men are so friggin stupid.

katiam247 · 09-19-2015, 04:15 PM

leopard, I don't think your hubby said what he did to be mean. It probably was his clumsy way of encouraging you on your weight loss. Most males aren't that great at being tactful.

I understand your position about stereotypes, though. Every time my husband and I make some sort of major purchase, the sales person directs the conversation to him, although I am the one responsible for the household finances. I love the reaction I get, when they realize that I am the one to deal with.

Just keep on your track and PROVE them all wrong. Take it from a natural blonde who loves to tell people she was a computer programmer.

Palestrina · 09-19-2015, 05:54 PM

Anger is not going to get you very far with this, what he said was a bit dumb but I can see he didn't mean it to be hurtful. Men are dumb, ok? We have to accept it and try to love them anyway lol.

So something I've been doing whenever someone makes a comment about looking good for pictures or losing weight for an event is that I make positive comments about how I look now. I try to be upbeat about it as if the thought of losing weight by a deadline is not important to me (which it isn't, though it used to be a lot in my past). I say something like "I don't owe anyone any weight loss, and it's not fair to put that much pressure on myself. If I don't feel good about how I look now there's no point in even going to that stupid event because my participation in my life is not conditional on how much I weigh!"

And think of it this way, no matter how much you weigh you have your own physical attributes that will stand out in pictures. People gravitate to a beautiful smile and radiating joy. Feel that joy within yourself and it will show through! Comparing yourself to others is a surefire way to feel down on yourself so don't go there. Be you and be positive. If your weight and size don't bother you they won't bother anyone else either.

birdtostone · 09-20-2015, 11:38 AM

I would have been pissed with him too. I'm sorry, just because he is a man, that kind of comment should not be "shuffled under the rug" because people say "men are stupid" or "they don't think". Some people are stupid, and do not think. Which is all the more reason to hold them accountable for their actions and words.

I have a wedding I am attending in October. As of today, I have lost 15lbs and I KNOW that I will be the biggest girl standing up at the wedding. These are people I haven't seen in 3-7 years, so the thought is a bit daunting. However, once the day is over, I probably will not see these people again for another 3-7 years. And honestly, in that time frame, whatever they are thinking about me isn't going to change who I am or what I am trying to accomplish in my life.

It sounds like you should try keeping a positive outlook about yourself. The view you take of yourself is often more critical and demeaning than the view other people have of you. Be kind to yourself and realize that you have to live with you, and if you spend your whole life worrying about what other people think of you, you won't be able to fully enjoy the fun things you get to do. Like going on a cruise! How excellent! I'm excited for you!

curvynotlumpy · 09-20-2015, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by birdtostone

I would have been pissed with him too. I'm sorry, just because he is a man, that kind of comment should not be "shuffled under the rug" because people say "men are stupid" or "they don't think". Some people are stupid, and do not think. Which is all the more reason to hold them accountable for their actions and words.

THIS^^^^^^ Exactly what I was thinking!

Leopardspots, you know the truth about your weight loss and how far you've come so don't let anyone undermine this.

To both you and birdtostone, congrats on your weightloss

You've worked hard and are seeing the results!

Inkrid · 09-20-2015, 12:26 PM

We have come a long way (believe it or not) and 98% of men know NOT to EVER say such things because the chronic **** that would plague them is NOT worth it!!

We are binge-watching Friends this month and it was shocking all the fat jokes and references which were considered TOTALLY OK at the time! If they showed it now, petitions, bans, internet outrage, etc.

I agree ~ hold people accountable. So what if they're slow learners?

leopardspots · 09-20-2015, 03:48 PM

Thanks ladies, I'm much calmer now. And I had a drop this morning which made me feel better.

Truly, this wedding isn't about me. Its about my friend. And I'm so dang thrilled for her.

As for my husband, I really know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings, he can just be careless sometimes. Also he is autistic, which doesn't help. Even today, he cannot understand why he was in trouble for saying exactly what I was thinking. From his perspective, he wants me to lose the weight, not because he is embarrassed for me or by me, but because he doesn't want me to be embarrassed for myself. Or hear the inevitable whining and panicking 2 months before. lol. If there's one thing I have in my marriage, it is always brutal honesty from him. (: I forgave him already, it was just a shocking, shitty thing to hear from him, I think.

Lunula · 09-21-2015, 11:20 AM

Congrats on your weight loss, BTW!

I will say, not to outright defend him or not hold him accountable; but, my husband has made some "clumsy" comments to me over the years that I am sure he felt were supportive & motivating but only served to hurt and embarrass me.

I eventually realized that his weight has never been an issue for him - ever. When he realizes he is up a few pounds, he cuts back and it's gone.

I developed into a binge eater in college, and began struggling with my weight by the time I was 20. I didn't get a handle on it until I was 40!!! But, he has never had an eating disorder and just truly does not comprehend how my mind thinks or why I am sensitive about certain things. Literally, he has boggled at some of the things that bother me. He has also never really been overweight - maybe 20-25 pounds (which he quickly lost).

For me, my weight and binge eating were the #1 items on my mind, all the time, every minute of every day for 20 years. He has zero concept of this. He tries to understand, tries to be supportive and tries to not hurt my feelings, but weight & eating mean different things to him.

When I realized this, I was able to better deal with situations that would've ordinarily sent me plummeting into a binge. He truly doesn't want to hurt me, and the comments/gestures were never made maliciously.

mutate9602 · 09-21-2015, 12:23 PM

You've gotten some really good advice. I just want to add that you have the right to set boundaries with your husband. You can tell him that you realize he didn't mean to hurt your feelings and you know that he doesn't understand, but those kinds of comments do hurt and are not okay with you. Just because he has autism and doesn't "get it" does not mean he can do what he wants and you just have to forgive and let it go. Forgive and let it go, yes, but first tell him that it is not acceptable to treat you like that in the future. I'm sure there are things you do or do not do because you know he likes or doesn't like them. Your boundaries should be respected as well. You may have to sit down with him and explain exactly what is or isn't okay to say in regards to your weight (like mentioning that he's noticed how well you've been doing might be okay with you, but comparing your body to other people's is not). Seriously, for your sake and for your marriage's sake, set some boundaries! He can't read your mind, he doesn't automatically know what's okay and what's not, especially with autism. For him it's got to be like navigating an ocean without a map or compass. Give him the map. You'll both be happier.

2feelbetter · 10-15-2015, 11:13 PM

I just read your post I haven't read the comments but I wanted to chime in. I don't consider you fat at a size 14. I was a size 14 when I got married almost 30 years ago. I didn't think I was fat then at all. A couple of years ago my best friend got married and she wanted me to be her matron of honor. I posted about it on the boards. I was terrified about being the fat one, and yes, I was the fat one. There were just two of us in the wedding. I had to go out and find a mint green dress. When everything starts happening everyone focuses on the bride and groom so don't worry too much about it.

If you want to talk about the fat girl in the rooml, my son just got married a few weeks ago and yes again I was the fat girl but I did my best to look my best and I had a good time. I really didn't love the dress that I bought and let me tell you I tried on at least 15 dresses. I ordered them online which was easier for me because I was recovering from surgery so I had all of this going on trying to rehab and trying to get ready for this wedding that was out of town.

Once we got to the wedding we had a great time and everything was wonderful I am now looking at the pictures and I do see myself as yes the fat girl that I am, also the proud mother of the groom, at that my son thinks nothing less of me.

So please go get yourself a pretty dress and have a great time.

leopardspots · 10-16-2015, 09:05 AM

Hi 2feelbetter, I don't consider sizing as the indicator of fat or not, but BMI. Sizing is ridiculous and so arbitrary, with my bouncing between 3 sizes no matter my weight, like most women!

At my current weight, 184, I'm obese. I'm fat. And now I'm into a size 12, but still fat. I know alot of women would kill to be in a 14, but that's at the heavy end of the spectrum for me, with my biggest size being a 16. I'd been in denial about it for a long time, but I've accepted that I'm fat and want to change.

Also, a size 14 at 5'4 is quite different than at 5'8. (Very jealous, would love to be 5'8!)

I can appreciate your concern about your experience at your son's wedding. My mom was equally concerned at mine. I think she was around 240 too and we spent more time looking for her dress than mine! In the end she found something flattering and forgot her worries the day of my wedding and just had a good time.

Anyway, I'm completely over my husbands comment, and completely pumped for my friends wedding. As to dieting before the wedding, its going well and I have until April. I think I can definitely get to the 150s and be merely chubby, not fat! I was very lucky in the she chose flattering black gowns. I'm not remotely worried about drawing any attention onto myself with the lovely bride standing next to me.

Thanks for your comments and congratulations on your son's wedding!

FineWithMe · 10-16-2015, 09:55 PM

I'm sorry your husband was jerky to you. :/

shcirerf · 10-18-2015, 12:19 AM

Men do not mean to be hurtful or say hurtful stuff. They just think different.

Some days, they are just dippy!

Mine, loves me to no end. Supports me as a WW leader and a success, story. Even calls me the "General!" As a WW leader!

But after all the years of WW, he still has moments of "stupid!"

It's ok! He supports me, the way he knows. It's up to me, to accept, his support, no matter how, totally dumb it seems. His heart is in the right place!

I love him! He does not get it, but yet he does!

shcirerf · 10-18-2015, 12:27 AM

Some days, it pays, to give yourself a pause, and your significant other a break.

We are all trying to do the best we can. Patience, learning, self observation. There is no failure, only feedback.

Hang in there! Have patience, and remember, the journey, means more than the destination!

Watercolor · 10-18-2015, 11:31 AM

Can I just say that size 14 ROCKS !!!

I would kill to be size 14. Okay, not kill... maim.
I would maim. Totally.