Hope your walk helped Stripes. If I may share something I learned from my appt with <<ahem>> clinical nutritionist , there is some research that shows that delaying an urge to eat by a fraction of a second allows other parts of the brain to get involved in the decision about whether or not to eat. So the impulse comes from some survival reflex--esp for calorie-reducing folks and travels along nerves pathways that are faster than those of our reasoning brain. Allowing a pause gives reason a chance to kick in. That said, sometimes those urges gain traction and can be distracting obsessions---this is what I find difficult to ignore. Work in progress.
There may be some truth to that. Brain stuff - always interesting!
Days don't get much harder than today for resisting food! I keep finding other things to do. My brain is used to thinking about cake, resisting cake and then obsessing about it nail I make and eat cake.
So I figure that I have to break that habit. Think about cake, decide if I want it or not. If not, STOP THE OBSESSING and think about something else.
I'm trying to train my thoughts and hoping the habits will naturally develop.
mars, I have no idea why mom has these types of reactions. I think she's just frustrated that I'm struggling but rather than being supportive, she's angry about it...that's all I can think of at this point. The biggest issue is that she just can't relate. She has a very healthy relationship with food and her old school mentality just doesn't accept the fact that food addiction exists. Believe me when I tell you that she's an amazing mom and would do anything for me...she has helped me with so many things in life...but she just doesn't do well with this particular issue. Also, she says ridiculous things on a regular basis. On the one hand, she'll say that she's stupid and on the other hand, she acts likes he knows better than anyone.
Luckily, this doesn't tirgger me to binge as long as we're on my turf, but if I visit my parent's home, then I"ll become like a child and end up eating trigger foods and this will lead to binges once I'm alone...and even a little in front of others.
Luckymommy even great parents have faults and they certainly k ow how to push our buttons! We had decades to develop them!
Makes me realize I'm so fortunate that my husband understands that we have different relationships with food. I don't think he quite gets the SAD and that I really can't help the self destruction if I've already slipped into depression. He just thinks, "well then, stop the SAD symptoms!"
luckymommy It sounds all too familiar!I think you are doing great, btw. These things are really hard to manage. I have almost 2 decades on you and still haven't 'solved' it. My good friend says 'Of course moms can push our buttons--after all they installed them". The best I can do for my self is to make sure I visit my mom but not past my tolerance. Boundaries....easier said than done, especially for you because there are grandkids! My mom, btw is a wonderful mom, too. It doesn't change what drives me batty tho. Over time, maybe because of all the time, I'm better at just accepting all of it, and no longer trying to 'fix' anything. Meant to thank you for the book recs on the other thread--I had a shopping spree at the public library!
Okay, off to work. Feeling good about doing a little home weights & movement. Have lunchbox, will travel.
Hope we all have a good day today! BBB enjoy your day off!
BBB, having a supportive husband is a gift. Mine understands but he has the same problem! I've also been wondering if I have SAD truly or if the winter months are just depressing in general. I hope one day your hubby comes around and gets it but in the meantime, we have to just lean on those people who DO understand...like the ones here.
mars, that's a hilarious quote! I'm trying with the boundaries...she was coming over and sleeping here about half the week for months at a time because she wanted a respite from my dad, but I finally had to tell her she needs to go back. I think I must have worn down my back teeth from grinding down on them whenever I got frustrated!
I didn't know you saw my list of books. I hope you enjoy the reading! I left something off that list...I haven't read it yet but I've heard nothing but amazing reviews from friends. It's called Americanah by Adichie. It's on my short list but I have a bunch I need to get through before I get to it.
Support from those we love ... what a difference it can make. In the days when I attended OA meetings I realized that a good stable group could become like a family ... and a good sponsor like an older, wiser sister.
My DH is a retired social worker and in most areas of my life he is very supportive. His training and natural empathy enabled him to encourage me to make changes in my behavior that I needed to make, but was afraid to (like filing several years' worth of back taxes) without being overbearing like my ex-husband. But since I had my "reluctant aha moment" and decided to remove wheat from my diet, I've felt he really didn't "get it." He fears that being "so extreme" will cause me to run amuck when I have a slip. (Not if, when.)
A couple days ago I read something that caused another aha moment: When you feel the need to rant, it's a cue you need to make a request. It make me realize I hadn't actually TOLD him that I consider myself a food addict. So I told him and asked him to try to think of me as an alcoholic or drug addict ... would you keep offering me alcohol after I told you that I was an alcoholic? He is still uncomfortable with the fact that I'll sit down every now and then and eat an entire can of green beans but he's not pushing the bread nearly as much ...
Had dinner at The Outback last night after going to "San Andreas" (really enjoyed the movie, btw! IMAX and 3D, they had to spend a fortune on the special effects!) of course it was Fri. night, a couple grad parties going on, very crowded in the restaurant. Had to wait about 30 minutes for our table. I refrained entirely from the bread and had a cup of tortilla soup to help fill me up a little, and a wonderful piece of halibut with mango salsa. One of the most expensive entrees but also the lowest in calories. I just love halibut.
Hi All,
So interesting to read the issues about support-or not from loved ones. And nice that some of us have that support from husbands, even if they don't get the whole issue. It's a critical part of this puzzle. Food & love have sooo much to do with motivation.
BBB Sounds like you are honing your understanding of the SAD issue, esp as it affects WOE. If only it were possible to 'fix the symptoms'.
luckymommy thank-you for another book title! (I always read a post with your sig). Most of the titles are on hold at the library, but I now have The Shoemaker's Wife, & Orphan Train. My concentration is really limited, probably from computer, smartphone, & TV overuse. I used to be an avid reader.
ladynredd I love your quote about rant/request. I have found that the more i am able to speak up and ask for what I want (and say no to what I don't want), the better I feel. It almost doesn't matter what response I get--just speaking up works a kind of magic. Way. To. Go. re Outback meal!
I am limping, figuratively, this weekend. Today is a new day. It will have its challenge--going to a luncheon at a friend. They asked me bring 'low-cal' dessert. I got some fresh berries and peaches, and for some reason just having those things in the house really bothered me. Then I obsessed over wanting to get rid of my protein chips so overate them, along with some of the fruit. When I am starting a new WOE, I feel like I MUST get rid of everything that doesn't fit. There's really no need as the chips have enough chemicals to keep for at least a couple of yrs, lol.
Still I'm in better mental shape approaching the luncheon than usual--the plan is to enjoy the day, eat a reasonable amount & not fret about the meal, instead of my usual mode of resentment/anxiety/binge. Should be interesting!
mars735 Really? How so? The fruits thing, I mean.
Well, at least it seems like you're snacking on good things! I hope you do have a good time at your luncheon! Personally, when I start fretting about food when I'm out, I try to shift my focus as much as possible to the conversation and to the people, ask the about their day, whatever. Maybe that can help you, too!
ladynredd Aw, I know what you mean. My parents got super worried when I stopped eating rice at lunch because I was eating so many carbs for snacks, anyway. What eased them a bit was knowing I did my research and was keeping track of my nutrients, though not 100%. It can be hard to get full support from those around you, but I hope he can start to understand. And oh wow, I cannot believe you kept yourself back from that Australian bread!! Haha I usually attack those!
Personally, my issue is sweets. I stopped exercising around March or April and, since I've made progress and my parents are always really worried about me going too radical, I've been letting them convince me that it's okay to have the chocolates I so love. But it's become an everyday thing now, and man, that is horrid! I went to a party yesterday and I didn't even like the sweets (they tasted pretty cheap haha) and I still kept going back to the sweets table for more!
Going to try to cut everything out now. Cake, chocolate bars, mousse, whatever. Wish me luck!
mars735 Really? How so? The fruits thing, I mean.
Well, at least it seems like you're snacking on good things! I hope you do have a good time at your luncheon! Personally, when I start fretting about food when I'm out, I try to shift my focus as much as possible to the conversation and to the people, ask the about their day, whatever. Maybe that can help you, too!
ladynredd Aw, I know what you mean. My parents got super worried when I stopped eating rice at lunch because I was eating so many carbs for snacks, anyway. What eased them a bit was knowing I did my research and was keeping track of my nutrients, though not 100%. It can be hard to get full support from those around you, but I hope he can start to understand. And oh wow, I cannot believe you kept yourself back from that Australian bread!! Haha I usually attack those!
Personally, my issue is sweets. I stopped exercising around March or April and, since I've made progress and my parents are always really worried about me going too radical, I've been letting them convince me that it's okay to have the chocolates I so love. But it's become an everyday thing now, and man, that is horrid! I went to a party yesterday and I didn't even like the sweets (they tasted pretty cheap haha) and I still kept going back to the sweets table for more!
Going to try to cut everything out now. Cake, chocolate bars, mousse, whatever. Wish me luck!
Thanks for jumping in & adding some solid suggestions, wendybirdx! I have become convinced abstinence is the only way to go with addiction like sweets. It sure can be derailing when well-meaning friends and family encourage us to have things in moderation that we KNOW are extraordinarily difficult to moderate. It's good to have some prepared responses, and most of all, give ourselves permission to say no and stick with our own choices--seems the boundaries issue always creeps in. Anyway, I applaud your plan to say good bye to sweets. It is for me the source of the eating behaviors that I want to shed. Truly an addiction for many of us.... The thing about cold turkey abstinence is what to do to fill the reward/pleasure gap? How to manage the stressors--big ones and little daily ones that make us turn to non-hunger eating? This is where I need to put my attention right now, to be more successful with abstinence.
Social situation eating for me is just plain difficult. In a restaurant, I can make my choices and it's simply a matter of remembering my goals. When I am a guest in someone's home, it's a little more complicated. I feel strongly about appreciating what is served and not imposing my issues. might need to revisit this one.
My friends are not food pushers, and in fact very gracious & considerate hosts. But they have not had the kind of weight issues and, frankly, food addiction, that I have. The funny thing is they enjoy wine and I don't, especially. I'll have a glass, maybe 2, but can take or leave it. Maybe I'll nurse along my glass of wine to keep my hands busy. I'm not a particularly social person, so the work of interacting is the stressor for which I later overeat. But you are right--there is also much to enjoy in an afternoon with good friends, apart from the food.
Wishing us both lots of strength!
Adding my check in, note to self :
Yesterday was too random to list but included an unexpected Whole Foods 5th birthday party in which 2 very triggering sweets were consumed. Funny thing is that they weren't sweet enough--I didn't care for them that much (thanks, anyway, WF)! Then a bunch of protein chips, and I do mean a lot, and fruit, miscellaneous other things. I'm trying to not eat whenever the urge strikes, so this was not a successful day on that score. I expected a big gain, but just up a lb to 167.
Goal is to shed 1 lb/month. Slow carb plan as described on the thread--lines up really well with my my ideal WOE: basically low carb but okay to have legumes. They also allow a cheat day/week, which for me will be whatever social eating comes up without angst, NOT a gateway back to addictive eating. Still working on 3 meals no snacks, which will require adapting to good sized meals. After ideal Protein with ~ 200 cal meals, I've become a grazer and that just stimulates hunger all day long.
I really appreciate all the discussions that are happening on this thread. I'm still battling my addiction but I can see that I'm not alone, which makes me feel a bit more sane.
I have a question for you guys about something that happened when I went out to lunch with someone a few weeks ago. She's a very slim woman who says she absolutely loves food. She also tells me all the time how to eat: things like avoid bananas at all cost (hehehe), don't eat anything after 6pm, etc. I feel like she means well so I just tell her thank you and let it go. Some of her advice might be right and some might be wrong, but ultimately, she can't relate to my addiction in any way so I really try not to discuss it with her.
So we went to this restaurant and she ordered a decadent, creamy, huge dish. I ordered a salad without dressing and salmon on top. I tried to focus on the conversation, but I couldn't help but notice her meal and how much more appealing it looked. I told her in advance that I plan to eat light and she knows I really struggle with this...she has seen me gain a dramatic amount of weight in a short period of time.
Then she asked me if she can order desert. I told her she can and so she did. She ate the entire thing, which looked amazing, btw and this really surprised me because she finished the main course and this desert and this was a lot of food for someone so petit. But to each their own.
The part that bothers me is that I know I wouldn't do this to someone. If the situation were reversed, I would have purchased a desert another time...even on the way home, but I would never scarf down a desert in front of someone who I know struggles with it.
What I was grateful for is that she didn't pressure me to eat it at all, which is more than can be said for some people. But do I really want to be friends with someone who doesn't mind making me feel uncomfortable this way?
Let me put it this way: if I was an alcoholic, she would be ordering a cocktail and drinking it in front of me...is this appropriate? How do alcoholics deal with this? I'm sure people are having alcohol everywhere they go so this can't be something they don't encounter. I know that if I was with a friend who is an alcoholic, I would never order a drink in their presence (of course I don't care for alcohol anyway).
Sorry this got to be so long. I look forward to any thoughts you fellow addicts may have.
Hi luckymommy, Great question!!! It's an all too common situation for so many of us. I hope to read some ideas from others on how to handle. I've faced similar situations.
My first thought was, if you are even considering discontinuing the friendship, then you have a little room to play around first. For example, when she asked if she can order dessert, what if you told her it would be exquisite torture for you, that you would not enjoy the meal (with your choice of words, lol). You can see what she says and more importantly, observe how comfortable or uncomfortable does it feel to speak up for yourself? I think it would be really miserable to be stuck in a restaurant watching someone scarf a rich dessert. At least at a party you can maneuver away from the food!
Do you feel she just doesn't really get it, or maybe there is an underlying agenda? Even in friendship, it's human nature to be jockeying for position--maybe this is her one way to feel successful in her life, maybe she is jealous of things about you, etc etc. There is that social pecking order and weight, esp among women, plays a big part.
She may not be agreeable and then you can decide what to do. Wouldn't it be great, though, to have that moment when you each find out what the other is all about? Another thing you could do in the future is pick the restaurant & try to find one that does not have a triggering menu, or maybe just meet up for coffee in a place that has only stale, factory-made pastries.
Last week I ate out with a friend, who actually does struggle with weight, but lately is in addictive eating mode. She ordered a decadent dessert & it was triggering for me. She is very defensive about what she eats, diets, etc. so I am careful not to talk about mine. But in hindsight, that probably did not serve me well. Maybe I could have said out loud that I am not touching or tasting anyone's dessert. Period! There is that theme of accommodating other people's needs at the expense of our own. Do we equate self-care with being selfish?
I really appreciate all the discussions that are happening on this thread. I'm still battling my addiction but I can see that I'm not alone, which makes me feel a bit more sane.
I have a question for you guys about something that happened when I went out to lunch with someone a few weeks ago. She's a very slim woman who says she absolutely loves food. She also tells me all the time how to eat: things like avoid bananas at all cost (hehehe), don't eat anything after 6pm, etc. I feel like she means well so I just tell her thank you and let it go. Some of her advice might be right and some might be wrong, but ultimately, she can't relate to my addiction in any way so I really try not to discuss it with her.
So we went to this restaurant and she ordered a decadent, creamy, huge dish. I ordered a salad without dressing and salmon on top. I tried to focus on the conversation, but I couldn't help but notice her meal and how much more appealing it looked. I told her in advance that I plan to eat light and she knows I really struggle with this...she has seen me gain a dramatic amount of weight in a short period of time.
Then she asked me if she can order desert. I told her she can and so she did. She ate the entire thing, which looked amazing, btw and this really surprised me because she finished the main course and this desert and this was a lot of food for someone so petit. But to each their own.
The part that bothers me is that I know I wouldn't do this to someone. If the situation were reversed, I would have purchased a desert another time...even on the way home, but I would never scarf down a desert in front of someone who I know struggles with it.
What I was grateful for is that she didn't pressure me to eat it at all, which is more than can be said for some people. But do I really want to be friends with someone who doesn't mind making me feel uncomfortable this way?
Let me put it this way: if I was an alcoholic, she would be ordering a cocktail and drinking it in front of me...is this appropriate? How do alcoholics deal with this? I'm sure people are having alcohol everywhere they go so this can't be something they don't encounter. I know that if I was with a friend who is an alcoholic, I would never order a drink in their presence (of course I don't care for alcohol anyway).
Sorry this got to be so long. I look forward to any thoughts you fellow addicts may have.
I don't know. I don't expect other people to eat differently just because I have to. Alcoholics go to parties and weddings that serve and have alcohol. People who have quit smoking, sometimes have to be near someone who smokes (though that is getting rarer and rarer).
But to go out to dinner with someone, where they are paying for their own food and so on, I don't think my way of eating should affect how others eat.
I approach it similarly with my family. My house is FULL of stuff I can't eat. My kids eat stuff in front of me all the time. My husband doesn't have carb issues, so he eats carbs for breakfast and makes sandwiches with bread, etc. I just have to deal with it as it's my addiction, not theirs.
HOWEVER, I don't find that triggering. If I did, I would either not ask that particular friend out to eat, or if I did, go to a place where all the foods would be nontriggering (like Sweet Green that only makes salads).
But that is tough! ESPECIALLY if that friend is an intimate friend who KNOWS you have triggers and KNOWS you are struggling... as a good, perceptive friend, you would think she would be more careful, but then "I'M" perceptive... I can't expect everyone else to be!
mars, your idea is perfect...but I'm not. I'm super non-confrontational and do have a hard time asking for what I want. I come off as super accommodating and then I hold some resentments, even though I know logically that I can't expect people to read my mind.
I think if she asks me out for lunch again, I'll tell her that I'd prefer to go for a walk because even if we go for coffee (which we've done in the past), she will (and has) order(ed) a giant desert.
I guess I want my friends to be sensitive and nurturing like I am...and I'm very picky about new friends. I didn't even want her friendship but she actually pursued it intensely. It took me some time to figure out that she wanted to be friends because her son has some significant social difficulties and she wants my boys to be his friends (one of my son has similar social issues). However, as many times as we've tried, they are simply not compatible as friends. She all but twisted my arm to treat me for this lunch because I had her son over for about half a day so she can go get a massage, etc. When he was here, he only wanted to play a certain video game with my son....I think my son hid the game and said he lost it because he didn't want to play hours and hours of this game. We must have suggested 7 different options of what they could do instead but this kid refused anything else. He sat without talking. I asked him if he'd like to go home but he shook his head no. Anyway, there's a lot more to this....sorry I got into the details because they really don't pertain to food addiction!
BBB, when it comes to family and home and get togethers, I absolutely don't expect anyone to limit anything about their food purchases or consumption. This feels different though because it was just the two of us, no escape, she kind of pressured me to go to lunch with her, etc....If there's a party, there will most likely be alcohol served and at restaurants as well, but if you're going with one alcoholic friend only, it seems like a time to be kind/supportive and thoughtful and I know I wouldn't do this to an alcoholic. It's not a big deal but I do appreciate all your guys's insights. It helps me form my decision to limit my contact with this woman.
Last edited by luckymommy; 06-08-2015 at 11:35 AM.
Location: Kelseyville (Lake County, Northern California)
Posts: 150
S/C/G: 164/155/145
Height: 5'6"
Oh my gosh! I just need to say this out loud to you all.
Talk about "Food Addictions". One day last week I was really tired and didn't want to cook, so I had a chili dog! It was easy and quick. I haven't really been eating much bread, especially white processed flour. So I realized in the past week since then I have had a total of 3 of those darn hot dog buns. They are not those typical little buns, but more of a fresh "white" hot dog bun. A bigger version. Last night I had my third one with shredded BBQ chicken. This morning it just dawned on me I was eating that as if it was normal again. It is my goal not to eat that because my body gets triggered and before I know it I'll gain all my weight back just from white flour carbs! The good thing is that so far I haven't craved anything else like cake or cookies. So I must remember to avoid this stuff like the plague. I know I don't need it and it is not good for my body. I don't function well on processed foods with additives and chemicals. I know I will eat bread sometimes, but I must choose the whole grain option.
Thanks for listening and being here. It's amazing how easily the addiction can creep up!
, there is some research that shows that delaying an urge to eat by a fraction of a second allows other parts of the brain to get involved in the decision about whether or not to eat. So the impulse comes from some survival reflex--esp for calorie-reducing folks and travels along nerves pathways that are faster than those of our reasoning brain. Allowing a pause gives reason a chance to kick in. That said, sometimes those urges gain traction and can be distracting obsessions---this is what I find difficult to ignore. Work in progress.
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Anyway, there's a lot more to this....sorry I got into the details because they really don't pertain to food addiction! 
