[IanG]

OK, you're right.

You don't know me from Adam.

And you don't have to justify anything to anyone except yourself.

[Violette_R]

And apparently one of my coping mechanisms is yelling at well meaning strangers on the internet. Sorry.

But seriously, platitudes stick in my craw like nobody's business and will trigger me every time.

[Palestrina]

I'm sorry you're so lonely. But none of us truly know what's in store for us in the next 40yrs of our lives.

My BFF talked like you talk since we I met her in college. Gosh every conversation was about how she would probably never find anyone to love her and how she was probably never going to get married and how nobody would ever find her attractive. She always spoke of this as TRUTH which I found incredibly sad. It was like this huge wall of NO she built around her and now at 40 it's become a self fulfilled prophecy.

You never know what the future holds but I think it's best to stay positive and find happiness within regardless of outside circumstances. I mean lots of people get the ring and the wedding and the baby and end up miserable anyway.

[MichelleAntonia]

I hardly ever have time to do anything other than read this forum (hence my minimal amount of posts in so much time), this thread got me out of my lurking.


Violette, I am in pretty much the same situation. I'm not 40, I'm 33, but what's the real difference anyway? I'm not here to offer platitudes, because I know they ring meaningless and false, and I'm not here to comfort you because I know you don't need that. I just want to share a few things as a person who is living a similar reality to yours.

Since high school, I've been overweight, lost 60 pounds, and have been fit ever since. I've dressed like a bum because I was self conscious about my body, and I've dressed amazingly when I haven't been. I've done all the things you've mentioned- tried to examine, alter, experiment, see if there's anything that made a difference. And I've come to learn that all the things you listed- age, beauty, weight, etc... absolutely none of it was/is as much of a determining factor as living. And I mean real, uninhibited living. Chasing your dreams, being passionate about something, letting yourself feel and show and share the emotions that living life brings... THOSE are the things that make you live life the way it's meant to live.

And ya know what, that is the ONLY thing that's ever made a difference in terms of connection and value to others (and myself). I hate to be annoying and speculate and suggest WHY it is that you & I are in the position we are, but I truly think it's because we have such a hard time letting ourselves live. Of course you don't want to give yourself the permission to go out there and ride the rollercoaster when you feel so undesirable, stunted, unwanted, and not special. But that's WHY we feel this way, because we've built some sort of system of stipulations regarding when living life is "allowed." It's always allowed. And it's always necessary. It's a vicious cycle... you don't want to do it because you feel like you don't have those things, therefore no reason to celebrate and experience and be happy. But not letting yourself be like that... that's what keeps other human beings away. I know you probably have no reason to believe me or listen to me because, after all, I've always been single. But the moment that dawned on me, I looked back, I examined, I altered, and the theory proved itself. And continues to.

There's so much more to life than being with a man/married/kids/etc. And until you let yourself go out there and experience and enjoy it all with no limits, that man/husband/life won't come. It's kind of a happy thing to realize imo.. that "indulging" your own personal happiness leads to what's evaded me for so long.

The previous comment about "a wall of NO" is so on target. Just say yes to every little thing that might make you happy, and the rest will come. No resistance, no spite, just that kind of 'anything is possible' and "i'm open to it" attitude that comes with youth (which we still have).

Ok, enough from me. Just want you (and me) to be happy.

[Violette_R]

Thank you everybody for your input. I know it's well-intentioned and comes from your truth even though it's not applicable to my life. I am trying to talk about my truth with multiple audiences both online and IRL and the reaction makes it excruciatingly obvious that I am an odd duck.

I know everybody thinks they are unique and special, but I am a truly peculiar individual. I used to question my assessment of my personality, but something happened last week that actually confirmed that my assessments and my judgments are spot-on and I should trust them despite everybody's insistence that I'm wrong. Hence my commitment to keep talking about it in hopes of knowing myself better and possibly making a connection somewhere with an equally peculiar person. As I said in an earlier, I have no model for dealing with the circumstances of my life. Maybe it's up to me to create it.

Thank you again and may life treat you well.

[Palestrina]

Nobody said you were wrong. There is a difference between being wrong and being negative.

Anyway, I love eating at restaurants. The best part about it is no dishes to clean after and quite possible left overs to take home with me. There is always something interesting on a menu and though I don't believe in dieting there are always ways to specify to the waiter healthful alternatives.

[mars735]

Originally Posted by Violette_R

Because everybody knows women get so much more desirable to men the closer they are to menopause.

Sorry but you are SO mistaken. I hope you are able to wake up and see the other side.

[Violette_R]

Originally Posted by Palestrina

There is a difference between being wrong and being negative.

Being called negative has become pet peeve of mine. Acknowledging difficulties is not negative, per se, but no one can talk about being sad anymore without an accusation of negativity or a bad attitude. Wallowing in sadness and frustration should be avoided but acknowledging them has become almost a sin when they are often a completely normal reaction to circumstances.

As people I interact with on a daily basis have offered unsolicited praise on my pleasant attitude, I feel that the general impression I give is not one of negativity.

[Violette_R]

Originally Posted by mars735

Sorry but you are SO mistaken. I hope you are able to wake up and see the other side.

I am wide awake. It's one of the things that allows me to see my reality.

[momwithdogs]

For the life of me, I cannot figure out if you are looking for advice or for someone to agree with you.

I'll be the first to admit that typing things out/talking on the internet can be very therapeutic, but there's no way to edit the responses you get; like you, others are just relating their personal stories and chances are, none will match yours.

That's the issue with an internet forum- can't judge tone.

[Violette_R]

Well, what I was originally trying to do was say "yikes, I'll be spending lots of time in front of yummy food this month." But then an off-hand comment turned into this.

I normally try to avoid this discussion like the plague because I know very few can relate to the degree of social alienation I've coped with my entire life and the outlook I've developed towards it. But I've recently become determined to talk about it and plan to stick to that despite all the frustration and increased feelings of alienation that it's creating. I don't want advice and I don't need to be agreed with (what is there to agree with anyway?)

I am who I am and I accept myself. I'd just like to be able to talk about who I am without others trying to "fix" me. And I know it's going to be a challenge but I will engage in the discourse to the best of ability.

I'm probably conflating multiple conversations in my head right now. I think this statement is relevant to this thread: Pursuing romantic relationships does not survive cost-benefit analysis for me and the most desirable option for me is to cease and desist and focus my efforts into something that actually does improve my life. What I want from people around me is to leave me the heck alone to do that.

Thanks for your input and I hope you have a good day.

[freelancemomma]

<<Pursuing romantic relationships does not survive cost-benefit analysis for me and the most desirable option for me is to cease and desist and focus my efforts into something that actually does improve my life.>>

Sounds rational to me. As long as you're moving forward in some way, nowhere is it written that you must pursue romantic relationships.

F.

[nickilaughs]

I'm with freelance on this. .
In any case, let us know how the meals go at restaurants! My big weakness is bread and butter at nice restaurants. I'd be happy just to eat that for the entire meal. :/
Hopefully they have some amazing apps and salads.

[Krazy]

Maybe the dinner/lunch could be your meal for the day? That way you’ll have 2000 or so calories to play with at dinner/lunch – you could order yourself a steak or something... not a damn salad.

[freelancemomma]

Just wanted to add that your intelligence and insight come through loud and clear in your posts. And you're a good writer. I hope this doesn't sound too rah-rah, but surely there are some awesome uses for these gifts. I sincerely hope you find them.

F.