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Two Separate Weight Goals in One Relationship

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Old 10-13-2014, 11:49 AM   #1
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Default Two Separate Weight Goals in One Relationship

Hey everyone, I need some serious advice.

I usually don't keep any bad things in my house because it tortures me and I will have to eat everything until it is gone. The problem is, I live with my fiancee who is super skinny and super tall with a super fast metabolism. He wants to gain 50 pounds. I want to lose 100.

He is on a baking kick right now and has cooked cherry pie, sweet potato pie and as of yesterday, a cheesecake and I'm being tortured.

I try to plead with him to stop and he feels sympathetic but what about his goals? Is it really fair to do that? I mean, he deserves to eat what he wants in his own household...for his own goals. but it is making it impossible for me to stick to my plan. Help!!!

Any advice on what to do/say? Please help me
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:00 PM   #2
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Perhaps for him, encourage things like protein powder and weight training to help him gain healthy weight. Weight by itself isn't really an indicator of health. So if he's gaining weight by eating a bunch of junk food then it still isn't actually healthy. There are high calorie, healthy foods out there. Here's a link to a list of some of the stuff:

http://www.fitday.com/fitness-articl...king-up.html#b

If his goal is just weight gain, but not being healthy.. then I guess junk food will get him there. Really depends on his view of it, and the why part of him wanting to put on weight.
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:08 PM   #3
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Perhaps for him, encourage things like protein powder and weight training to help him gain healthy weight. Weight by itself isn't really an indicator of health. So if he's gaining weight by eating a bunch of junk food then it still isn't actually healthy. There are high calorie, healthy foods out there. Here's a link to a list of some of the stuff:

If his goal is just weight gain, but not being healthy.. then I guess junk food will get him there. Really depends on his view of it, and the why part of him wanting to put on weight.
Yeah, he is trying to gain it healthy, too ..just with a side of the junk food for the extra kick at the end of the day because he enjoys baking (like a hobby) and the taste, too.

It being a relaxing hobby of his is difficult, too, because how am I supposed to tell him to stop doing something that helps him w/ stress just because I want to lose weight? What is more important? Idk
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:10 PM   #4
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That's a tough situation. However, look at it as a way to help you manage other tough situations. I agree with sunarie about having him eat healthy foods that are high in calories, which would benefit his health as well. Also, if he still has some junk, he can do it in a more discrete way.
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:26 PM   #5
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I had the same issue!! We ended up just eating in separate rooms until i got to the point i hated the look and taste of the processed stuff.
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:39 PM   #6
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Is there anything he could bake that you wouldn't want to eat? My boyfriend (who I live with) is also super skinny.. he isn't looking to gain, or be healthy, so he still likes his junk food and such. We've settled on him either being required to bring it to work so it's out of the house, or he hides it from me. There are shelves in our house that I can't easily reach, and I can't see what's on them.. out of sight, out of mind sort of deal. Mostly he tries to buy snacks that I've always disliked, but that he still eats. I'm a super picky eater though.

Eating in different areas, or discreetly, as the other two mentioned may also work.

If it's just a stress relief, maybe try doing something like weight training together? Muscle will help him gain weight, and weight training will help you to lose. Exercise is also suppose to be a good stress reliever.. and it's something you can do together. Perhaps have a talk and see if you guys can find a compromise. Stress relief is important, but usually there are multiple ways to relieve it. It doesn't have to be the one way that may also compromise your diet.
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Old 10-13-2014, 12:54 PM   #7
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I would ask him to stop baking in the house where it is going to affect you.

Putting on weight is not too hard. Lift weights and drink lots of whole milk.
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Old 10-14-2014, 09:17 AM   #8
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We are responsible for what we eat, not someone else. If you want to lose weight, you learn to make the choices that lead to your goal, i.e. don't expect him to alter his eating to suit you. My husband was a chef and I still lost weight despite the wonderful food he prepared.
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Old 10-14-2014, 09:25 AM   #9
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We have the same issue in my house. I want to lose about 10-15lbs and my fiance wants to gain 15-20. The most difficult thing is that when he moved in with us, we are mainly grain free, so the things that were helping him keep weight on (sandwiches, pasta, etc) we really don't have in the house. Plus, my volumetric veggie meals are making him lose weight that he really doesn't have to lose.

We've settled in pretty well. He buys snacks, I don't eat them, and we're both happy! The one thing we can both agree on are grilled/marinated meats, so we tend to make those a lot and vary how we eat them. While he may take the meat and eat it with some kind of rice dish, I may take the meat and put it on top of a salad.
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Old 10-14-2014, 10:00 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gabrm View Post
I live with my fiancee who is super skinny and super tall with a super fast metabolism. He wants to gain 50 pounds. I want to lose 100.(
I realize you asked a serious question and hope you don't take offense, but when I first read this, I thought "wow, this scenario could make a great setting for a sitcom."

Onto the serious suggestion: everyone's different, but if I were in your situation I would establish a personal rule that I don't eat one bite of what my boyfriend bakes. That would be easier than limiting myself to little bites and tastes and slivers to "even out" the pie.

F.
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Old 10-14-2014, 10:55 AM   #11
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Omg, that would be a nightmare to me! I believe in personal responsability but some of us have a really hard time dealing with those kind of trigger foods and even though we can say no to those treats, it just makes our journey so much harder than it already is...! What i usually do when i want to eat trigger foods is to buy or cook a small portion of that food and eat it. If i had more portions of those foods lingering around the house I'd be feeling miserable most of the time as I would have to actively control myself and spend a lot of energy doing it all of the time. I'm one of those people to whom binge eating is not an ocasional fun behaviour or even only the result of restricting too much but an actual eating disorder.

Possible solutions i can think of are:

-Ask your DF to cook food he loves but you are not that fond of. If he wants to support you as much as you want to support him, you probably can come to an understanding.

-Ask you DF if he can keep that kind of food stored somewhere you don't reach for all the time.

-Maybe your fiancee should consider having an exam to check if he has hyperthyroidism, which causes excessively high metabolism and weight loss/dificulty to gain weight.

-Is it possible he can be a bit more discrete? Maybe he already is.

In my opinion sometimes in a relationship things are not symmetrical. DP has an easier time controlling her impulses, sho she usually keeps her chocolate at her drawer, not at the pantry. She'd rather bake two batches of biscuits but she doesn't out of consideration to me. I am better at controlling our finances so i usually control our budget, which is not my favorite task at all, but I do it anyway because we are a team and she does other things in which she's better at etc. I don't see it as being unfair, really. I see it as adjusting, compromising, finding what works for you as a couple and with time and understanding, learning those habilities with each others helps. That's how we roll at home. Not everyone sees it that way, of course.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:05 AM   #12
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I personally don't like the idea of asking someone to hide their eating, because I know from personal experience this can create some really bad food habits. Though maybe as an adult with a healthy relationship with food, it's not as big an issue.

I'm sure there is a compromise in there somewhere to make both of you happy.

For one, like others I'd find some things he likes to eat that you don't like to eat. On that note, does he work somewhere he could bring the entire pie with him to eat at work rather than at home? I don't know why I don't see this as hiding, but maybe I am contradicting my first paragraph with this suggestion...

One thing that has worked for me is buying snacks specifically for my boyfriend. I choose something he likes, but not something that is a favorite of mine. Something about labeling them as "his" not "ours" or "mine" helps me to avoid them. It's all in my head, but it works for me.

Also, like Munchy, we often eat similar meals with a few changes. I'll have meat with zucchini noodles, and he'll have meat with regular pasta. It can be a bit more work, but it is worth it.
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Old 10-14-2014, 12:30 PM   #13
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I personally don't like the idea of asking someone to hide their eating, because I know from personal experience this can create some really bad food habits. Though maybe as an adult with a healthy relationship with food, it's not as big an issue.

I'm sure there is a compromise in there somewhere to make both of you happy.

For one, like others I'd find some things he likes to eat that you don't like to eat. On that note, does he work somewhere he could bring the entire pie with him to eat at work rather than at home? I don't know why I don't see this as hiding, but maybe I am contradicting my first paragraph with this suggestion...

One thing that has worked for me is buying snacks specifically for my boyfriend. I choose something he likes, but not something that is a favorite of mine. Something about labeling them as "his" not "ours" or "mine" helps me to avoid them. It's all in my head, but it works for me.

Also, like Munchy, we often eat similar meals with a few changes. I'll have meat with zucchini noodles, and he'll have meat with regular pasta. It can be a bit more work, but it is worth it.
That's what we do, actually. Almost all of what you said. It's not hiding... maybe just toning it down?! DP usually gets chocolate with raisins which she absolutely loves and i hate... stuff like that is easy to do and doesn't hurt. We shop more often instead of keeping a lot of treats at home, but she always has what she likes, etc.
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Old 10-15-2014, 04:35 PM   #14
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First off, "lots of baking" doesn't sound healthy to me. Even if you're trying to gain weight, you shouldn't be eating a whole cherry pie by yourself. So if he's really baking a lot, it's too much for him to eat. His portions of that kind of thing should be just as small as yours are!

But I think I have a good suggestion on that front: See if he can keep his baking to specific causes/events, e.g. do a lot of baking at once and have a bake sale for charity, or donate pies and cookies to a homeless shelter. That way he can bake a lot, possibly freeze a few pieces for himself, and you can have a small, reasonable portion as well on baking day.

Aside from the baking, though: I think you both need to be supporting each others' goals, which means talking through what makes it difficult to achieve your goals, and finding out what compromises you can both make to help each other.

With all of that said, you do also have to get used to refusing "bad" foods, and/or eating reasonable portions. So a certain amount of this is on you. My suggestion would be to let yourself have a little bit of the best-looking treats. Make sure the calories are worth it to you, but don't flat-out tell yourself "I'm not allowed to have this ever" because that's how food obsessions start. Just cut a little piece, and put the rest away before you eat.

Also, your fiancee needs to get used to eating healthy foods.

My brother-in-law is actually very skinny, and all he eats (as in, literally all he eats) is pizza and McDonald's, and he refuses to drink water because he's afraid of losing weight. Junk food is not the answer, and will not help someone gain weight who has this kind of body/metabolism/whatever it is.

My opinion: Your fiance needs to focus on getting the right macronutrients, but also on getting enough vitamins and minerals and hydration into his system. Maybe other kinds of cooking would be a great hobby, and could actually be helpful for both of you (but of course, you can't just tell someone "here's your new hobby :P).
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Old 10-15-2014, 07:29 PM   #15
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From what I've heard and read [heaven knows i've never had to do it!!!], healthy weight GAIN is a matter of adding healthy calories into the diet. Just like we professional dieters need to cut calories while eating healthy, weight gainers need to add them and be healthy.

And, because you two have completely separate goals, I'm going to suggest that you try to consult a dietician so that you can figure out how to meet both goals without making yourselves nuts and damaging your relationship.

And this is unusual for me, as I haven't usually found dieticians to be all that helpful, but it seems to me that having a neutral party who understands this stuff might be good for both of you. And who knows, maybe it'll cut down on the baking?
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