[juliastl27]

i did this 5 years ago. i spent over a year losing weight and changing my life. 3 to 4 years later i was right back where i started.

im just as big now as i was then. i spend a lot of the day wishing i was someone else or wishing i could go back in time.

my boyfriend thinks im gross, he wont admit it but i know he does.. i think im gross. how did i let this happen again? i am spending my days alone. i dont want to go anywhere or see anyone. the idea of losing all the weight again just feels too big. i cant stop thinking about how long it will take before i even start to look slightly normal.

i am miserable.

i am sick.

i dont care about even trying to take care of myself because im so fat and disgusting. i see pictures from 4 years ago and i look like im that girl's mother.

i have 0 faith in myself, but i have to try because i need to move on in life. i need to have a life.

[Mountain Mamma]

Welcome back Julia.

You are not gross, you are the same wonderful person! Besides, you did it before, you can do it again!!!


We're all works in progress!

[Palestrina]

You are not gross! The negative self talk is like a drug, it actually changes your perception of reality. It's time to start getting real with yourself, if you're going to fill your head with thoughts let them be positive thoughts. If you don't do it then who will? You are responsible for your own happiness.

I'm sorry, but being thin will NOT bring you happiness, not if you keep talking to yourself like that. I know plenty of skinny people who are divorced, insecure, poor, jobless and pathetic. Their skinniness can do nothing for them and it won't do anything for you. Withholding self love until you reach a certain number on a scale pretty much ensures that when you get to that number you'll find another negative reason to withhold your self love.

If you had a small child to take care of and that small child needed to improve in some way, how would you do it? Would you scold him/her and tell her terrible things to try to punish them for being bad? That's exactly what you're doing to yourself. Be kind to the person you see in the mirror, she's all you have. Tell her the beautiful things she needs to hear to grow and thrive. She does not need to be punished and beaten down. Punishment is NOT where motivation comes from.

[Claygirl1518]

Hello juliastl27, I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain right now. I completely understand, and I know how hard it is just to get through the day when you feel like that. The best advice I can give you is to work on yourself emotionally. You sound like you want to lose weight, but you feel exhausted by the idea and like you feel it's pointless (which it is not, but I understand the emotion for sure).

Back in march of this year I got up to 220 lbs. Back in 2011 while my husband was in afghanistan I went from 196 (highest weight at the time...) to 165. After we got married I just slowly put the weight back on, and then really put on the pounds with a nightmare boss and stressful job. When I got back up to 196-200, I was so angy with myself and horrified. I hated myself and my body, and then said I didn't care and there was nothing I could do. Then I went up to 220. 220 was a complete shock for me. It shocked me so much that it knocked my brain back into gear. I agree with you, I wish I could go back in time and tell myself how much easier it would have been to maintain 165 when I was there, or even get started at 196 (if I had I would probably be at goal right now), instead, I'm back down to a previous highest weight, but you know what? I fell SO much better! My clothes fit better, my husband compliments my weightloss (I felt unattractive to him before, even though he never seemed that way) and even though I wish I was losing faster, I'm starting to feel like myself again, and that's what matters.

Do whatever works for you to get yourself going, whether that's talking with someone (advice here always helps me!) getting a haircut, or not telling anyone what your doing and making a pact with yourself.

I definitely agree with Wannabeskinny, being skinny doesn't make you happy, if you don't work on your negative self talk now and as you lose weight, you could be a size 2 and still hate yourself for one stretch mark or anything you can find. That's not constructive, and it makes us feel awful, where's the good in that? You can't put effort and care into a body you hate. Think about the raw power of your body, what it is capable of, and find things about yourself you do love. Your skin tone, hair, facial features, curve of your body, whatever it may be! Find something you love, and work on it for yourself.

I know it seems very dark right now, and like nothing matters, but from someone who recently felt that way and let it go on another 20 lbs, don't be like me!

[IanG]

I'm sorry, but being thin will NOT bring you happiness,

x2

You got this. Lose weight because you love yourself. Do it for you. Who gives a sh!t what anyone else thinks.

I lost 115lbs and over the same period of time also lost a wife and two kids. But at the end of the day, I lost the weight for me and I am glad I did. But being thin is not a one-stop-shop for happiness. Be kind to yourself. Look after you.

[MissBB]

Julia my dear, to echo IanG: you got this.

I know too well those feelings of self-loathing. I tend to turn them into a joke and force myself and others to laugh about it. And that's no better than turning them inwards, I know. But it's all about recognising those feelings, and realising they are the poison that keeps you overweight. Do away with them (in your own time - it's not an easy thing to do).

You are not gross. You are wonderful. You are so much more than the body you move around in. You have life and love. And most of all, you are an infinite source of potential - that is potential to be whatever you feel.

I've been off and on this crazy merry-go-round called weight loss since I was (no joke) 5 years old. It is only now, after years of hating my frame and learning to love the great things about it, that I have finally found the strength to treat it better - not for others, for me. You. Will. Get. There.

You are wonderful. You got this.

[juliastl27]

Thanks so much for the words of support everyone. I was REALLY down last night. I know that being skinny wont make me happy, but it really does improve a lot of things for me. My self esteem and self worth are so heavily tied to my size and I was so much happier when I was a size 8. I got my life back and started going out and doing things again.

I'm just really disappointed in myself right now. I've lost weight a few times in the past years during the regain, even 30lbs once, but I always give up. I'm so hung up on "shoulda woulda coulda". If I'd just stuck to it then, I'd be at goal by now!

I'm just at that really low point where nothing fits me, I have no motivation to put on makeup or do anything fun with my hair, and I'm just uncomfortable and miserable all the time.

I hope I can finally get this under control.

[Streudel]

Hi there Julia. I'm Julie and 6 months I was where you are right now. I had regained all the weight I lost back plus some and I was absolutely hating myself. None of my clothes fit, I couldn't walk 50 feet without catching my breath, and I was just miserable.

I couldn't imagine trying again. I came here in the hopes that someone would talk me into trying one more time. That is exactly what happened, and I am grateful beyond words that these wonderful people were here to remind me that I am absolutely worth the effort.

Those six months would've passed whether I tried to lose weight or not. If I hadn't done anything, I might be 50 lbs heavier instead of 50 lbs lighter. In another 6 months, I still won't be at goal, but if the way I feel right now is any indication, I'll feel pretty darn good about myself. You see, every little sucess along the way helped to pick up my self esteem, even though I still don't look the way I want yet. You don't have to be at goal to be proud of who you are and how far you've come.

Oh, and let me second what Ian said about weight loss not equalling happiness. I, too, am a member of the " weight loss destroyed my marriage club ", though truth be told, it needed to be put down anyway. Thinness won't necessarily make your spouse happy, but by the same token, gaining weight doesn't necessarily translate to your spouse finding you " gross ". Not that it matters, because in the end, it is truly about how we feel about ourselves.

I hope you keep coming back here for support and encouragement. You can do it!