After losing weight, let's face it, you look GOOOOOD. For some of us, it was the intended goal. For others, it's just a nice side dish to the good health main course. But, one thing I think many of us women contend with is other women who become jealous.
I recently did a charity activity and had to nominate someone else to do the activity. A jealous female commented on my social media page that I was "craaaaaazy" for doing it. Then, she talked to person I nominated out of doing the charity activity, stating that "she had already done it" and she was "in pain for days". She is obviously lying about having done the activity, since it is jumping in cold water and does not hurt. How petty and jealous does a person have to be to undermine a charity? I deleted her comment off my social media page and haven't said anything to her about it.
But, I am fuming inside and venting about it. How do you handle jealous people?
I had a "best friend" that had jealousy issues with me. I ditched her. These days and at my age? I don't have time for drama. Peace is my aim in life and any human being that I interact with where our energies are consistently discordant? It's time to break the ties. I stay much more happy and at peace in life this way
I had a "best friend" that had jealousy issues with me. I ditched her. These days and at my age? I don't have time for drama. Peace is my aim in life and any human being that I interact with where our energies are consistently discordant? It's time to break the ties. I stay much more happy and at peace in life this way
Ditto. I had a "friend" for several years that would subtly but regularly demean me. I am a fairly humble person (I know that giving myself that compliment makes it self-contradicting, but I'm trying to be honest), and I have had to train myself not to make self-deprecating comments. With time and maturity, I've stopped unnecessarily criticizing myself, and that was around the time I realized just how demeaning this "friend" really was. I guess when I was putting myself down, I couldn't really blame her for staying silent and/or agreeing with me, but when I stopped, I realized just how poisonous she was. I remember the final straw was on a weekend trip we had taken together. I had worked really hard to lose 20 lbs. and I was a little disappointed that she didn't mention anything when she first saw me (after not seeing me for a year). When she finally did bring it up, I told her that I was down to wearing 12's and could even wear some 10's. She gave me the sneer, looked me over, and said, "12's, yes----10's no." That was just one of the many, many such comments that weekend. Once the weekend ended, I told her that we were incompatible and that it would be best to just break off the friendship.
To the OP, in my view, you were right to de-friend her. Who needs malicious people like that in one's life?
I've dealt with jealousy all my life. For the better part of my 20's I had a difficult time getting along with women in general, and after I married I was able to accumulate some nice girlfriends. I've been blessed with a pretty face, big green eyes, blonde hair, a nice smile and skin that has conjured up a lot of envy, I would say my skin is my absolute best feature. Though I'm usually the biggest girl in the room I am very often one of the prettiest. I'm not saying this to be vain, I'm just saying. Once in a college I started dating a guy that some girl (who I barely knew) in our school was crushing on. She was gorgeous, tall, half asian, thin modelesque with long hair down to her waist and really really pretty. She was so unkind to me and flat out said "why you? you're fat!"
And then I was taking a group photo with some girlfriends last year and I heard one girl looking at the photo saying "god she's beautiful, imagine what bumpkins we would look like next to her if she lost weight." I don't think she knew that I overheard her but that's kind of how I think people think of me. I'm nice, so long as I stay fat. I think if I lost weight people wouldn't like me so much.
WeightGoingDown - You talking about the Polar Bear Plunge in Pittsburgh?
About the topic though, that woman is apparently very immature. You were right to delete her comment. If I were you, I would call her out on her actions and ask why she felt the need to convince someone not to do something for charity.
Lately I've been dealing with someone who I think might be jealous of me or my family. It's not really weight loss related, at the moment, but I'm always getting patronizing comments on my parenting and how I'm a SAHM. I feel like she thinks less of me and is always throwing digs at me. They're so subtle that they're easy to laugh off or not notice at the moment, but then later you think about it and you're like crap, should have stood up for myself in that moment. I always keep my mouth shut but I let it get to me later. I try my hardest just so forget about it but struggle as well. I wonder if she's jealous because she has to work. I really don't know if she is or if that's just her personality. Maybe they're not intended the way I feel they are but I can only just try my best to brush them off and being happy with my family.
I wish I knew how to handle it better One of my closest friends used to be small but has gained some weight this year. She went from a 4 to an 8/10. Since we've known each other I've gone from an 8/10 to a 4 and its obviously bugged her. She says comments that make me uncomfortable like "Its like we switched bodies and you stole my body!" that was really weird because I've worked very hard for this but in her mind I've "stolen" it??? She also finds little ways to put me down, I confronted her recently and she acted shocked and totally unaware
I wish I knew how to handle it better One of my closest friends used to be small but has gained some weight this year. She went from a 4 to an 8/10. Since we've known each other I've gone from an 8/10 to a 4 and its obviously bugged her. She says comments that make me uncomfortable like "Its like we switched bodies and you stole my body!" that was really weird because I've worked very hard for this but in her mind I've "stolen" it??? She also finds little ways to put me down, I confronted her recently and she acted shocked and totally unaware
Ugh that's creepy. She reacted badly but did she change?
People will tear others down in order to feel better about themselves.
I started running in the past few months, and have gotten all sorts of comments on how "damaging" it is for my body and that I'd be better off walking instead. I counter that by saying not only do I enjoy what I'm doing, my actions are being supported by three of my doctors. And you know what's really damaging? When I treated my body so poorly that I was barely able to walk. I'd rather risk trying new things than grow complacent and bitter.
A jealous female commented on my social media page that I was "craaaaaazy" for doing it. Then, she talked to person I nominated out of doing the charity activity, stating that "she had already done it" and she was "in pain for days". She is obviously lying about having done the activity, since it is jumping in cold water and does not hurt.
Your assumptions are faulty. There is no obvious lie here, and possibly no jealousy.
For anyone with fibromyalgia, arthritis, or any other muscle, joint, or chronic pain issue, jumping into cold water can indeed cause moderate to severe pain that can last for days or even weeks. Even a person who believes themselves entirely fit and healthy can experience extended pain or even cardiac arrest from jumping into cold water.
For young, healthy, fit individuals, the risk of death, injury, or long-lasting pain is low - but certainly not unheard of. Such effects are common enough that I certainly would have no reason to assume someone reporting several days of pain was lying.
It's great that you don't feel any severe or lasting discomfort from jumping into cold water, but that doesn't mean everyone has that same experience. You can't assume someone who reports having a different experience than yours is lying or trying to undermine you or the charity (well you obviously can, but you'd be wrong to assume that).
When I was younger, jumping into and swimming in very cold water didn't hurt, and I thought nothing of it. Now that I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and autoimmune issues attacking my joints, respiratory tract and skin, I can't tolerate water any colder than 85 degrees. And I had to work up (down?) to that. For a long time before that, I could only swim in warm water arthritis programs (pools where the water temperature is kept at about 95 degrees).
The warm water pool program was getting too expensive, so hubby and I switched over to the local ymca. Even though the water temperature at the Y pool was more than 10 degrees cooler at "only" 83-85 degrees, which was excrutiatingly painfully cold for me. I even looked into the swimwear surfers use in cold water (doesn't come in my size). I evn tried wearing long-sleeved polyester/spandex tops over my swimsuit (didn't help much).
Eventually I was able to tolerate the cooler (but still far from cold) water. The first attempt landed me in bed for nearly a week. I started with 10 UNBEARABLE minutes in the water, followed by 20 minutes in the hot tub or sauna. Over the span of several weeks, I was able to increase my pool time, and decrease my in-bed recovery time.
Even now, the first ten minutes in the 80+ degree pool are still excrutiating. I still need at least 20 minutes in the hot tob or saunau afterward, or I will regret it for days. My joints will stiffen up and I'll ache so bad, I feel like I've been hit by a truck (literally I will feel like I did after a car accident in which my Ford Festiva hydroplaned into a semi on a raint day. No broken bones, but My torso and knees were bruised so badly they turned plum-black. Fibromyalgia hurts worse than that).
I hate to think how I'd feel if I jumped into water that was actually cold. It's hard to believe that before my arthritis and fibro, I had once swam in a hotel indoor-outdoor pool in a blizzard. The water was about 70 degrees which felt frigid inside, but warm outside. I would get out of the water and sit in the snowbank until I couldn't stand it and then return to the water.
I'd love to be able to do that again, but with all my health issues, it would probably kill me, or put me in the hospital (or at least land me in bed for weeks).
Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and other chronic pain conditions are invisible. The person looks normal, healthy, and possibly even fit and active. It doesn't mean the pain is not real.
Often, if the pain issues have been present since early childhood, the person doesn't even realize they're any different than anyone else. The chronic pain is so normal for them, they assume everyone else feels the same way.
Just as you assumed the woman couldn't have been in pain just because you didn't feel any, she might have assumed that you and anyone else would experience pain, because she had. You can understand how she might think you were "crazy" for putting yourself through the pain she went through (not knowing that you experienced no such pain).
My brother and his daughter have done "polar plunge" events and family members and friends who told them they were crazy, didn't do so out of jealousy. Nor were they trying to undermine a charity. They were simply voicing their opinion. For some it was based on experience, some based on opinions and fears.
It doesn't mean they're lying or uncharitable.
Quote:
How do you handle jealous people?
I try not to assume I know anyone's emotional state except my own. Also jealousy, like other emotions can be irrational and difficult to control, so if I think a person is angry, fearful, jealous, or sad, I try to treat them as compassionately and tolerantly as I would like to be treated if I were the one feeling angry, fearful, jealous, or sad.
I try not to assume I know anyone's emotional state except my own. Also jealousy, like other emotions can be irrational and difficult to control, so if I think a person is angry, fearful, jealous, or sad, I try to treat them as compassionately and tolerantly as I would like to be treated if I were the one feeling angry, fearful, jealous, or sad.
I agree that from what I read in the story, that the woman in the OP's post may not may not be jealous. I didn't see the interaction as jealousy but I'm guessing there have been other interactions that have lead the OP to think this is what's going on. I must say though that I do not recognize jealousy well directed towards me, and in many cases it could hit me over the head and I still don't see it.
On the subject of people being jealous (and knowing they are jealous): its a very destructive feeling. I think so because often the jealousy feeler doesn't always recognize their jealousy, so its quite insidious. They "feel" that the other party is bad, wrong, stupid, etc...I believe that when people do recognize their jealous and acknowledge it, it becomes more of an envy or admiration. Which in some ways can be more positive and inspiring feelings.
On the subject of recognizing jealousy: I think that is a very delicate area. Jealous can present as rather mean interactions, as we've all seen. I have definitely known people that think everyone is jealous of them. Their self esteem or self importance is so inflated that when other people simply dislike them or are just mean folks, that person sees it a jealousy, when in fact no one is jealous of them. Sometimes the person thinking people are jealous (when they are not) is a part of why people don't like them to begin with! OP I am not in anyway saying this is what is happening. I'm just saying that this exists and the accuser creates bigger and bigger gaps between themselves and others because of this flaw. Everyone that doesn't like me, is jealous. When in fact, some people just don't like you. I think it goes back to the old LIE that when someone made fun of you in school they were jealous. Well, let me be the one to point out that when I was ridiculed in school for being obese and the poor kid, no one was jealous. Yet I heard that line a few times. But thankfully I was aware enough to know it was a load of crap. However, I think there are a percentage of kids that buy into that (I know one as an adult today) and now everyone that is negative towards her is *jealous*, when in its obvious to an outside perspective, that's not the case.
Last edited by GlamourGirl827; 05-03-2014 at 07:00 AM.
Your assumptions are faulty. There is no obvious lie here, and possibly no jealousy.
For anyone with fibromyalgia, arthritis, or any other muscle, joint, or chronic pain issue, jumping into cold water can indeed cause moderate to severe pain that can last for days or even weeks. Even a person who believes themselves entirely fit and healthy can experience extended pain or even cardiac arrest from jumping into cold water.
For young, healthy, fit individuals, the risk of death, injury, or long-lasting pain is low - but certainly not unheard of. Such effects are common enough that I certainly would have no reason to assume someone reporting several days of pain was lying.
It's great that you don't feel any severe or lasting discomfort from jumping into cold water, but that doesn't mean everyone has that same experience. You can't assume someone who reports having a different experience than yours is lying or trying to undermine you or the charity (well you obviously can, but you'd be wrong to assume that).
When I was younger, jumping into and swimming in very cold water didn't hurt, and I thought nothing of it. Now that I have fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and autoimmune issues attacking my joints, respiratory tract and skin, I can't tolerate water any colder than 85 degrees. And I had to work up (down?) to that. For a long time before that, I could only swim in warm water arthritis programs (pools where the water temperature is kept at about 95 degrees).
The warm water pool program was getting too expensive, so hubby and I switched over to the local ymca. Even though the water temperature at the Y pool was more than 10 degrees cooler at "only" 83-85 degrees, which was excrutiatingly painfully cold for me. I even looked into the swimwear surfers use in cold water (doesn't come in my size). I evn tried wearing long-sleeved polyester/spandex tops over my swimsuit (didn't help much).
Eventually I was able to tolerate the cooler (but still far from cold) water. The first attempt landed me in bed for nearly a week. I started with 10 UNBEARABLE minutes in the water, followed by 20 minutes in the hot tub or sauna. Over the span of several weeks, I was able to increase my pool time, and decrease my in-bed recovery time.
Even now, the first ten minutes in the 80+ degree pool are still excrutiating. I still need at least 20 minutes in the hot tob or saunau afterward, or I will regret it for days. My joints will stiffen up and I'll ache so bad, I feel like I've been hit by a truck (literally I will feel like I did after a car accident in which my Ford Festiva hydroplaned into a semi on a raint day. No broken bones, but My torso and knees were bruised so badly they turned plum-black. Fibromyalgia hurts worse than that).
I hate to think how I'd feel if I jumped into water that was actually cold. It's hard to believe that before my arthritis and fibro, I had once swam in a hotel indoor-outdoor pool in a blizzard. The water was about 70 degrees which felt frigid inside, but warm outside. I would get out of the water and sit in the snowbank until I couldn't stand it and then return to the water.
I'd love to be able to do that again, but with all my health issues, it would probably kill me, or put me in the hospital (or at least land me in bed for weeks).
Fibromyalgia, arthritis, and other chronic pain conditions are invisible. The person looks normal, healthy, and possibly even fit and active. It doesn't mean the pain is not real.
Often, if the pain issues have been present since early childhood, the person doesn't even realize they're any different than anyone else. The chronic pain is so normal for them, they assume everyone else feels the same way.
Just as you assumed the woman couldn't have been in pain just because you didn't feel any, she might have assumed that you and anyone else would experience pain, because she had. You can understand how she might think you were "crazy" for putting yourself through the pain she went through (not knowing that you experienced no such pain).
My brother and his daughter have done "polar plunge" events and family members and friends who told them they were crazy, didn't do so out of jealousy. Nor were they trying to undermine a charity. They were simply voicing their opinion. For some it was based on experience, some based on opinions and fears.
It doesn't mean they're lying or uncharitable.
I try not to assume I know anyone's emotional state except my own. Also jealousy, like other emotions can be irrational and difficult to control, so if I think a person is angry, fearful, jealous, or sad, I try to treat them as compassionately and tolerantly as I would like to be treated if I were the one feeling angry, fearful, jealous, or sad.
????
I know this person. She doesn't have any of that stuff. As a matter of fact, she specifically said that when she jumped, she was younger and very healthy at the time.
She also tried to make it seem as though my daughter had become sick from jumping in the cold water by writing "hope you feel well soon" on her social media page. My daughter took a nasty spill in the driveway after the jump and hurt her arm.
?????
It has been my experience that treating someone who is jealous of you with compassion doesn't work, which is the reason for the thread. I'm looking for a solution.
Also regarding the "crazy" remark in your own family, perhaps the other members of your family are upset but don't want to cause drama. As a person who did do the polar plunge and was called crazy, I can attest that I found the comment rude. I was raised that if you can't think of anything nice to say . . . say nothing.
Perhaps you're right, though. Perhaps it's not jealousy that makes her behave the way she does. Perhaps she's just someone that I should keep at an arm's length and not have close to me. She DID undermine a charity. She DID talk someone out of performing a charitable activity. There are other indicators that perhaps she's just not a nice person deep down. For example, she is disgustingly rude to ALL waitresses, to the point where I've returned to a restaurant and apologized for her behavior. She's also confided to me that she's "using" this person or that person. So, I think that it's best just to keep her at a distance, regardless of the motivations for her actions.
Last edited by WeightGoingDown; 05-03-2014 at 03:54 PM.
I think Kaplods answer is one of the best I have ever read, and I am going to post parts of it on my refrigerator.
My sister has a saying in needlepoint that goes something like "In my teens and 20s I worried about what people thought of me; in my 30s and 40s I did not care what they thought. In my 50s I realized they weren't thinking of me at all.
I do not think many people are truly jealous; some are crabby, frustrated, mean-spirited, whatever, at times. But think - - how many times have you truly been jealous of someone? I was jealous of a friend once because she found a ring with SEVEN diamonds in a public restroom. She brought it to the local police station, and a year later, they gave it to her. I thought, "She has a great husband, two good sons, a great professional job, is beautiful and has a great shape. It just doesn't seem fair." Within a month she fell on the bleachers at one of her son's games, had a brain tumor, had surgery, and was never the same. She died about ten years after that. Whenever I would feel the slight twinge of green I would think of this dear woman.
Dealing With Jealousy
One of my closest friends used to be small but has gained some weight this year. She went from a 4 to an 8/10. Since we've known each other I've gone from an 8/10 to a 4 and its obviously bugged her. She says comments that make me uncomfortable like "Its like we switched bodies and you stole my body!" that was really weird because I've worked very hard for this but in her mind I've "stolen" it??? She also finds little ways to put me down, I confronted her recently and she acted shocked and totally unaware 
