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Old 04-09-2014, 05:46 AM   #1
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Post A couple of things...

**Update on post three**

Hello everyone.

I felt the need to write out some of my thoughts and hopefully get some opinions or others who are in the same boat with some of these feelings I've been having. I browse the forums here a lot. I love seeing others succeed as well as learning from those who struggle like I do. Today.. I'm looking for people who are in both categories to maybe help me out with some of my crazy emotions.

Recently I've been trying to think of what holds me back from progressing in a permanent way as far as weight loss is concerned. I've gone down this path many times. (Can't tell you how many times I've lost the same 20lbs, and here we are again.) This time I can't even seem to get started. I know my weight is a problem, and that I'm even in a gaining phase right now. So here are a few things I feel like are potentially blocking me.

1. I'm terrified of what it will be like to be thin.
- I realize this sounds odd, so let me explain. Ever since I was eight, I've felt like I was heavier than those around me. I've been surrounded by layers of fat, and have become accustomed to blaming it for things. "I don't go out dancing because I'm heavy.", "I can't do that, it'd gross people out." Things like that. Why should I be afraid if it means I can do more things? Well, I would say it's that I'm afraid that there will be other flaws and faults that surface that tear me down in a new way. Example: I haven't really dated in the past. I blamed it on the logic that boys only like to date fit women. So what happens when I lose weight and still don't date? Then it becomes an issue of I'm ugly, or my personality is a wreck. I'm worried more about those other options than my weight.

2. The relationships I have changing.
- Despite my "Haven't really dated" statement in the previous reason.. I'm actually currently in a relationship with an amazing guy. He treats me super well and is always looking out for me. He knows that I'm unhappy with my weight but it has no affect on how he feels about me. He supports my desire to be healthy, especially since he recently lost weight and has become fairly active. He knows how it feels, so he will ask, "Have you been running/working out?". He wants me to be happier like he is. My fear is that whatever he currently sees in me as physically attractive.. Will change once I lose the weight. What if I have loose skin? What if the stretch marks on my stomach make it look worse once the weight is gone? Yes, I would be healthier and able to do more with him.. But I'm worried that sacrificing what I currently have for my health will impact us negatively.

3. Gaining it back.
- I enjoy the part where people notice the changes when I start losing weight. I also kind f like the process, or thought of transformation. My fear? Transforming in reverse. This is the umpteenth time I've tried to lose weight. My highest weight being 225, and getting as low as 180 (Where I seem to get stuck every time.). My average is from 190-205. I'm worried about the toll this is taking on my body... I have no idea what to do to keep the weight off.

4. My subconscious
- As my latest thing, and something I know I've thought about numerous times.. It that on a conscious level I want SO badly to lose weight. To be able to be someone who buys the sporty clothes, goes out jogging on a daily basis.. Who isn't afraid of physical activities like dancing, hiking, volleyball... But what if on a subconscious level, I'm not wanting to lose the weight? The reasons as to why that might be happening are endless, so how would I even go about fixing it?

5. Lack of self control
- Lastly, I have come to face the fact that I have no self control whatsoever. I don't know how to discipline myself and stick to it. I find that I'm very impulsive and I'll have already done something before I realize I've done it. I don't know how to even begin to fight this particular problem, just as the one mentioned above. It's hard to be in control when you have two halves of yourself wanting different things.

A lot of this is just me rambling, but these are some things I am really struggling with currently.. And I can feel depression lingering on the edge, threatening to come crashing down if I don't take some kind of action soon. So, anyone with any advice, or sympathy for knowing how any of these feel... Would be so appreciated.

Last edited by Lakota Shae : 04-18-2014 at 07:59 AM.
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:35 AM   #2
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Wow, you've laid out your issues very succinctly. Two books came to mind when I read your post. I never used to read self-help books, but have found them to be really helpful lately. Secrets of a Former Fat Girl by Lisa Delaney, and The Beck Diet Solution by Judith Beck. Both are about using changing the way you think about yourself in regard to eating, weight, all the issues tied up in those things. Both books have a combo of narrative AND practical ideas to do. If you get your mind pointed in the right direction, your body will follow. Best wishes and hoping you'll keep us posted!
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Old 04-09-2014, 09:16 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Lakota Shae View Post
5. Lack of self control
- Lastly, I have come to face the fact that I have no self control whatsoever. I don't know how to discipline myself and stick to it. I find that I'm very impulsive and I'll have already done something before I realize I've done it. I don't know how to even begin to fight this particular problem, just as the one mentioned above. It's hard to be in control when you have two halves of yourself wanting different things.
My mother always pointed out how successful I am in other areas of my life. School, career, everything I set out to do I basically nail it. But she follows by saying "why can't you succeed in weight loss? For a long time I believed it was because this is where I channel my true weakness. By focusing all my verve into other areas of my life food is where I let go and allowed self-indulgence. Food became my comfort zone, my stress relief, it's always there, it doesn't ask questions and it doesn't talk back.

Personally I'm trying to build a better relationship with food, work on my self-esteem, enjoy exercise and focusing on intuitive eating. But stress reduction and anxiety control are my main focus because then emotional eating lessens. All that stuff you said about being afraid to be thin etc, they're all legitimate fears but I think you're giving them way too much importance. It's almost as if you're saying you don't deserve to be thin/happy/in a relationship and most important you're afraid of showing your true self. If you don't fix that inner voice then no amount of weightloss will make it go away.

Focus on the things that make you happy. Go out for a bike ride, enjoy activities with your boyfriend and friends and take a few chances. You do deserve to have some fun.

"Binging is a descent into a world where every restriction... is cut loose. At its core is a feeling of deprivation.. a feeling you can never get enough. Binges do not signify a lack of willpower or inability to care for yourself. On the contrary, binges are a urgent attempt to care for yourself when you feel uncared for. They are the voice of survival. Binges are the mark of the self that says, 'I am tired of feeling deprived, of being told I am wrong, that I am bad." - Geneen Roth
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Old 04-18-2014, 08:16 AM   #4
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It's been a little over a week since I made this post and a lot of things have changed. I've been taking a lot of time reflecting on the reasons that I've blamed for holding me back from progressing with my weight loss and maintenance. I've been making changes and I am finally moving forward.


Thank you SO much for the book suggestions. I was able to get the audio book of the Beck Diet Solution for free on my kindle. I've only made it through day two so far but even the things she's suggested this early on have helped me to improve. (Mainly the how I feel before and after eating. It makes me pay attention when I put food in my mouth.) I didn't really expect it to help when I downloaded it, but I was wrong. Thank you again.

It's unfortunate when people make those backhanded comments, especially family. My grandma is like that. A lot of it has to do with that she's been unhappy with her weight and can't seem to fix it.. So when I start to succeed she makes a destructive remark.

I was also doing the same thing as far as "channeling weakness". It's the one thing I feel like I really have control over. Ever since the suggestions of working on my relationship with myself (I neglect myself a LOT.), I've found that it works the other direction too. Just because I'm changing my lifestyle doesn't mean I lose that control. I almost feel more control because I get to monitor and choose what I eat as well as control my body and see what it is capable of. Both of those things are things I seem to forget easily since I feel them every time I start to make progress.

Lastly, I really appreciated the "You do deserve to have some fun." comment. I might have teared up. It's really easy for me to think I'm not good enough or don't deserve things. I needed to hear that, and you're right.

Which brings me to the changes of the past week and a half. I want to start running again. I did two years ago on a nightly basis and loved it. It's when I was making the most progress.

So to start me back up I needed new equipment. I took a trip over to the Nike Outlet nearby and bought some running gear. I expected this to be a miserable experience as I tried on the tight running pants and outfits that I so admire on other people. Turns out... I feel attractive in them and I feel more feminine. (I don't want to take them off!)

I wanted to make sure I'd use them too though, so I've been making sure I make time for the gym, or doing more active things when I'm out or at home. I feel the difference in my energy levels already.

So thank you again for the advice and support ladies. Hopefully this motivation and excitement can continue until I've formed a good habit.
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Old 04-18-2014, 08:41 AM   #5
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Your understandings are psychological but there is a lot of physical stuff involved with losing and gaining weight. So long as we remain unaware of these things through lack of knowledge - because its not knowledge we can arrive at by ourselves, we continue to think in psychological terms.

But the fact is your body has a mind of its own that you know nothing about. Not everything that goes on in our bodies is run by our conscious mind.

For instance what causes hunger? How does the body give you an appetite? Where does that all come from?

This is not a simple matter. But it seems the answer has nothing to do with conscious awareness. Its all pretty much beyond conscious understanding. So scientists try to figure this out by conducting weird horrid experiments on animals and they have come with an explanation.

One of the key ingredients is leptin, a hormone produced by our fat cells. It communicate with a part of the brain called the hypothalamus which sends a signal to the conscious part of the time that we are hungry or not hungry. (there might even be others steps involved. i am not sure off the top ofmy head). They call it the hungry hormone.

So this by no means a complete explanation. I am just trying to hint to you that you need to do some study about how the body interacts with food.

I know its hard to track this info down when you are so completely in the dark so here's a few pointers - which i have written about all over this site.

1. nutrition wonderland. read the articles on leptin, insulin, seratonin, fibre and even dopamine.
2. read more about leptin if you like on web md.

read them all again and again until you get it. There's quite a lot to take in.

3. try a book like The don't go hungry diet, yes its an actual title of a book, to learn more about these process and more about what constitutes good nutrition and also a process that may help you be more successful with weightloss.

Do not try to lose all your weight fast and in one fell swoop. You will regain!. Do not try to starve yourself on minimal calories and knock yourself out at the gym, though exercise is certainly helpful. 80% diet 20% exercise is a mantra that i've come upon that i think is solid.

Learn how to eat in a healthy sustainable way. Eat whole foods. Make it taste good.
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Old 04-18-2014, 08:55 AM   #6
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Lakota Shae: thank-you for the update----started my Friday off on a happy & inspiring note. Keep us posted!
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:06 AM   #7
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Thanks for the response Pattience.

I do realize that there is more to it than just psychological things. The only reason I looked more towards these is because of how often I've gone through this cycle of weight loss and gain that I feel like there's something else holding me back that isn't physical. Especially since I've been a responsible dieter. If I get my mind right, I can focus on my body. Mind over matter I suppose?

I also know myself well enough to know that I need a bit of a different ratio than the 80% diet 20% exercise. (This isn't to say I work out to justify eating unhealthy.) In order to get started losing weight I have to start with exercise. I have to feel my body struggle. Then I'm able to say in my mind, "That piece of candy isn't worth it."and I'm either able to turn away from the unhealthy foods, or control the portions. When I'm more dedicated to feeling my body, I'm more dedicated to staying on track with fueling my body.

But, I will be looking into the sites/articles you mentioned for sure.

Last edited by Lakota Shae : 04-18-2014 at 09:08 AM.
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Old 04-19-2014, 01:22 AM   #8
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I have decided, we need to be friends. Lol. I know EXACTLY how you feel so I'll compare one at a time like you did.

1. Where you are terrified of being thin, I kind of am too. I struggled with anorexia for a long time. I was pretty chubby when I hit puberty and it hit me hard. I NEEDED to lose all the weight and be pretty and popular. However, it wasn't worth all the damage I did to my body. It's easy to hide now that I am larger. I don't get in pictures, I don't go out, and I just don't try anymore. It's something that you need a great support system to overcome. I'm still working on this...

2. My husband adores my curves and met me at my smallest weight of 120 lbs (my healthy weight is 140-150). He tells me I was too boney and he doesn't want me to lose all my "cushion". It's hard to have him help me stay motivated to lose weight when he's constantly telling me that I'm great at my current size. If the man in your life truly loves you he will be like my husband and love you no matter what size you are. I LOATH my stretch marks. I got some on my stomach a year ago and I still have problems showing them to him... He calls them my tiger stripes It's like he could care less! I'm sure if your man is as good as he sounds he will still love every single inch of you no matter what you look like, big or little.

3. I have been trying to lose weight for over a year. Each time I lost ten pounds I would gain twenty back. So I ended up bigger than when I'd started and it really upsets me. I'm terrified of losing weight, having it come back, and just giving up. It's a constant worry. You just have to work hard and have faith in your body. Sometimes I need to take my own advise... but it's a working progress.

4. If you find the answer to this question, let me know! I struggle with the same thing. I constantly look at the pictures of my skinny days and yearn to look like that again. At the same time, I give myself excuses on why I'm fine the way I am. My husband loves me, my entire family has beautiful curvy women that are bigger than me, I'm healthy even though I'm big, the list goes on and on. I don't want to be thin for anyone else but myself. So it's a battle between my heart and my brain. Seriously though, if you get any good tips tell me! lol.

5. I struggled with this very same thing. I am allergic to chocolate by I love me some sweets! I wonder if being thinner is worth never eating another cookie. Then I learned from my mother that I can have yummy foods with a healthy diet. It's the only way I won't binge eat. I'm also a person that has to stop eating bad foods cold turkey. For example, I stopped drinking soda just over a week ago and that alone has made me lose 2 pounds. I didn't even drink much! But I just had to tell myself no. No more. And that was that. I don't buy it, I don't look at it, I grab water. Sometimes it's hard but it is doable.
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Old 04-19-2014, 08:02 AM   #9
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LovelyDisaster this really hit the mark for me.

I'm terrified of losing weight, having it come back, and just giving up. It's a constant worry. You just have to work hard and have faith in your body. Sometimes I need to take my own advise... but it's a working progress.

I too have lost weight many times. 119,45,20,11,15, etc.....

The last time I lost a lot I swore I wouldn't put it back on. I would see people big and tell my husband shoot me if I ever get that big again.

Good thing he didn't listen. I have put all the weight back on am trying but realize with your post I am so afraid of failure.

I talk a good talk but I don't do the walk.

I need to just take CONTROL of my eating and my life. No one can do this but me.

Lakota Shae I too am afraid of being thin. I loved the comments but hated the looks of being checked out. Wasn't used of it didn't know how to handle it after being so heavy for so long.

One thing mu dr. suggested to me was to journal what is bothering you instead of eating it. This helps and you will maybe surprised what you write. Don't be afraid of it, it is what you feel. Like in Dr. Phil's book own your feelings. Then you can move on.

Now I need to take my own advice.....

Good luck hope some of what I said helps you.
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Old 04-19-2014, 08:35 AM   #10
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I too, agree a million percent with you OP! In fact, I wrote pretty much the same thing in my first post when I joined here a few months ago! You are not alone in feeling that way, and if you ever find the cure to feeling like that, please share it! All the best xoxo
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Old 04-19-2014, 08:30 PM   #11
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I had some similar feelings. I found I always started to gain weight back when people started noticing . I could not handle the attention and to some degree the expectations. I figured I had to figure out how to deal with those feelings. Did I feel like I didn't deserve it? Either way I figured that I needed to respond differently and reprogram my responses. I could never take a compliment, not without some self deprecating remark in response. Now I just feel the uncomfortable feelings but catch myself and tell myself it's ok. You have taken the best first step if determining your issues now I think you need strategies for dealing with each issue as it comes up.like some people mentioned getting checked out as making them uncomfortable...that was very true for me. Now I just don't worry about it. Nothing bad is going to come from it and so what if they look...I can't control that.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. –Henry David Thoreau

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Old 04-24-2014, 09:16 AM   #12
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I loved catching up and reading the responses guys. Thank you so much. It's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with these particular feelings.

Just from noticing that these things have been an issue that I've been able to address them in a better way, or think of the pros that outweigh (Harr harr.) the cons. It's made it easier to stay motivated this time around. I'm also finding that I'm being patient this time rather than wanting to see results quickly. If I take it slow I can adjust to the changes that might lay ahead, and those changes will be more permanent.

I've been working out at a good pace the last couple of days, and I notice that if I eat right before I sleep (especially depending on the type of food..) I feel much more tired in the morning or have tense and less restful sleep. It's made my eating habits improve. Though, I had anticipated my eating change to happen since it always does once I begin working out. It's like my mind can register how it feels to be healthy after it's been worked over, and then feels crappy if I eat wrong so it just turns away from the bad food. I don't even crave chocolate and candy at this point, which is WAY helpful.

We should be friends! Once I've been a member long enough to have messaging or whatnot.. We should chat. I'm looking for more people to be accountable to and to turn to when I'm struggling or have questions, and since we're in similar spots it'd be nice to help each other out! It is, after all, why I joined the site in the first place.
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Old 04-24-2014, 10:03 AM   #13
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I wondered about your comment that you would gross people out, because at 5'8" 212 lbs, you will not gross people out IMO. Yes, you weigh too much. But if you look around you, you will see people of similar size having fun and doing things they enjoy, not seeming to care what other's might be thinking.

It's all in how you present yourself. A nice hair-do and make-up, clothes that flatter your figure, good posture and a smile. Fake it til you make it. I realize that comments from family members can hurt. Don't let it get you down. As much as you can, surround yourself with positive people and try not to let the other comments bother you. You will succeed. You are off to the right start by coming here.
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Old 04-24-2014, 10:08 AM   #14
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1. I actually went through this recently, and I've just slipped into the "skinny/green zone" for the BMI counter.

2. The more your body changes, the better you'll feel about yourself and yes, relationships will change. It's not going to be dramatic and no relationship will end. My relationship with my partner of four, nearly five, years hasn't changed.

3. I gained, realised why and changed my diet (food) in order to lose again.

4. I still combat this every time I go out, even before, and I've been running for a year now!

5. Been there, binged that. Given up, started again.

My answer to all of the above: Stop worrying and just do it! You're throwing out a lot of 'what ifs' that, I think, we're unequipped to answer for you because our experiences with weight loss are all different. It's all about taking it one day at a time and evaluating after each goal has been made and each challenge has been overcome. It sounds like you have someone that is willing to help and guide you through your journey. Use his knowledge

You'll be fine and you'll make it to the end as long as you believe in yourself and... stop worrying about the future!

2013:80.9kgs - 64.5kgs. 2014, 3 month weigh-in: Jan -Mar 62kgs March, Day 445 60kgs, GOAL achieved!
Running distance goals: 4.4km (30min) achieved 7 May 2013. 6 km (45min) 4 September 2013. 10 km (1hr 12min) achieved achieved 18 October 2013.
Competitions: Round the Bridges, Nov 17 2013 completed, 44min 07secs.
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