I have been back to this site so so many times. I always find comfort here, even just reading all the threads. I am not sure what the point of my post is, I think I just need to vent it all out with someone who won't judge.
I was getting back into the whole weightloss thing after tossing it all out the window for the millionth time. So I go and update my blog, write a beautiful, motivational/inspirational post. Pat myself on the back. Yay here I go ready this time. Just like every single time in the past....
Today though I actually take the first step. I weigh in. I have gained. I knew I had. Though I didn't think so much. Then I decide to update my blog...I am updating my tickers which really never upset me anymore then seeing how much my weight is anyways. But I look at my weigh in page. Where I would keep track of all my weight loss stats. The idea
was that every weigh in I would write down my weight there so I could see the flow I guess.
Instead I saw a huge cycle of big fat ugly failure.
I started the weigh in blog page Jan 2011..it is now March 2014 & since those dates I am like 12lbs lighter. This entire time I just keep bouncing around 200lbs. I lose some, I gain it back. I do really amazing & then I do really bad.
Not all so many months ago I remember being 185... it was amazing and I felt like I was doing to go all the way & i don't even remember what happened. How I lost control/focus and let myself slip back into this?
Yes I notice I am having a hate on myself pity party right now. I have an anxiety disorder & it does cause me to go alittle overboard on things sometimes even when I can form a rational thought to them. But I am scared. I want this so so badly, more then anything. I am not just about losing weight but being healthy & making a life long change. But losing weight will mean I have a chance at having a baby. The one thing I want more than anything in this world and so why can't I do it then?
I am scared that I am just going to fail again. That idk I don't have it in my head to do it right. Is there some switch that needs to be turned on? Because I found it once. I did amazing. I lost like idk 40lbs during that window & was doing amazing, not perfect but amazing. And it all fell apart & now I can't even get a good streak going anymore.
I just want to break this cycle of failure. I want to stay on plan & keep moving forward. I don't need a miracle. I am not saying let myself be perfect 24/7. I just don't want to give up. I want to keep moving forward even when everything is so damn difficult. It is ok if I move at a snails pace just that I keep moving.
& even as I say these words I am scared as if I don't have the control to follow through with them. I lack confidence in myself.