I'm struggling this week. Not with my weight (well, not any more than usual), but with some of the mental flotsam and jetsam that seems to come with dedicating so much of myself (and 20 months) to losing weight. Not all of it is rational, but it's there.
There's the guilt:
-I'm a crazy obsessive person that only thinks about weight loss. (Usually I can give myself a pass on this because I'm so heavy that it needs to be a priority, and I'm not really good at "middle of the road", although it's something I'm working on).
I'm all talk: Why has it taken me so long? Why am I still so far from goal? Of course I know why. But this comes in to play with a lot of my family and friends that had 50 or less pounds to lose that saw me as motivation (or competition), and got their butts in gear. Now they're at goal, and I sometimes feel like they're looking at me going "Seriously?" you still have 200 pounds to lose. What's taking so long?!
I'm spoiled: I have the time and the money to worry about something so unimportant. Stop sounding like a new age Pinterest inspiration board and have a real problem or two!: At the moment, my job has slowed to a crawl. I have a lot of free time during the day. I also am childless, and outside of keeping my house and occasionally running interference for members of my family, I've got it pretty easy. I can concern myself with learning "Not to lean on food" and "finding balance". Now, it's not like I talk about this to mos people in the real world, but when I see my family, and friends who have children, and who are working 80 hours a week at all hours of the week, I feel a certain amount of shame because my priorities aren't the same. I could be out making more money and working harder. I could be HELPING them more.... on and on.
Which leads me to fear:
I have 3 brothers. All under 30. One is on bp and cholesterol meds. All are carrying excess weight, smoke heavily (except one) and eat very poorly (and that's not a judgey "lifestyle" thing. I say poorly because it's how I used to eat, and believe me. It's not good for anyone. Without going into specifics, they all have kids or stepkids, financial pressures, grueling physical and mentally stressful jobs. They've injured their backs. They're losing teeth.
I've talked several times here about what happened to my dad, and I'm scared and frustrated for them because I can see the pattern repeat. But at the same time I know that I don't have answers for them. Even if I did, it's pretty hard to go to someone and say "you need to take care of yourself" when they're busy trying to survive. It's a rather mixed bag of fear for their future, a feeling of inadequacy because I'm not putting the effort into life that they are, and at the end of the day wondering if when life gets hard for me, I'll be where they are.
Wow... that was long. Sorry.
Generally though, do you feel the guilt? Have you researched or lived so much that you have a pretty clear picture of what could happen to others in your life?
Am I as nuts as I sound today?