Going on a diet - to a certain point and no more
 

My wife has finally decided to drop her weight after years of denying it. :smug: However, she's only wanting to get down to about 15-20 lbs. above where she would need to be (to be at her recommended height/weight) - because she's afraid that she won't be able to maintain at that weight. :?:

Let's say that her ideal weight is 150, which is what she was in her 20s (she's 5'7" and average, not petite, build). She only plans to get to around 170 because, in essence, she can eat more calories at this weight than the other to maintain. I just don't understand this logic. She's already committed to being on a very restrictive diet for months on end, and she's doing great so far (22 lbs. gone). So she'll be content to still be overweight (admittedly not as much) when she hits her goal? She doesn't yet know that she won't be able to maintain 150-ish before she even gets there. It seems to me to be defeatist thinking - admitting failure before even starting. I guess there's some logic to it, but it almost seems like a fear of failure.

So let her! Instead of judging her and giving her unwanted advice, why not encourage her and if she asks for it, help her when she needs it?

Encourage some fun exercise you can do together. Help her plan healthy meals for the two of you to eat, try new recipes together, but never ever criticize her for how she plans to lose and how much.

Perhaps when she gets down to that weight, she might decide to try and get the last 20 off herself, or maybe just a few more pounds. If not, if she is comfortable at that weight and is healthy, let her be.

I've not said a word to her about it, nor do I intend to. I understand how necessary encouragement is. I wasn't "judging" her; only making an evaluation. Judging implies condemnation, and I'm guilty of enough weight loss failures to not go there.

How far away is her first goal? It's REALLY HARD to know where you want to end up when you've just started. I'm sure her goals will morph and change many many times as she progresses.

I wouldn't worry about it. Cross that bridge when you come to it. There's no use borrowing troubles.

This.

I wouldn't worry about your wife's goal weight at all, tricon. When she gets closer to whatever weight you think a healthy weight for her would be, she may very well find that she's on a roll with the weight loss and is ready to go further. Or, she might find that it's hard enough to maintain at that level and is content with whatever improvements she has made to her health and well-being. There's no way for either her or you to know, at this stage.

I have always said - and I still do - that my goal weight is the weight I am when I find that going lower (and staying there) is more work than I am willing or able to do. I don't see any reason for choosing a goal weight any other way than that for myself. And it doesn't have to be a static number, because the amount of work I am willing and able to do at any given time can vary.

First - She is likely going to change her mind at least a dozen times between now and goal. So don't worry about it

Second - What does it matter to you what her goal weight is?!?!?!?! While I'm sure you're coming from a totally supportive place and whatnot I just can't help but want to yell in your face to MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

Your wife's weight is nobody's business but her own and she reserves the right to her own logic. And by her own logic she has put up with a very restrictive diet and will only do so for X amount of time/results. Seems perfectly logical to me.

I completely agree. When i first started out (had 100 lbs to lose) i thought well, i'm giving this my all but i am not sure where i'll end up and it would be AWESOME just to lose a couple sizes, even getting some of the weight off would be great because truly i didn't know where i was going to end up at or how i was going to stay there, i only knew at the time what i knew and was going to be very happy with any weight coming off. I was as dedicated then as i am now and low and behold, i am as slim as i've ever been in my life. This is a journey.

Also.. i did it ALL WITHOUT ANY input from my husband other than him saying how proud he is of me and that i look great (at all stages). I would have been resentful of any other input than that and the more he stayed out of it, the better. Words of wisdom i hope you take and that you find something else to focus on.

Yeah- I agree with everyone... setting weight loss goals is such a personal thing and we all go along this journey in different ways.

For me- it is good to have a big goal- and mini goals along the way. Other people need one, easy (in their mind) goal. Once they reach that, they can re-evaluate. I have read books where they suggested setting very modest goals primarily because most people never reach their "goal" (which they often set out of reach) and then feel like failures instead of celebrating their success!

But since it is all in the head, it really doesn't matter.

Even a 10% loss leads to improved health. Shrug.

I've revised my goal weight. I'm 54 years old, I have spent a lifetime being overweight. My first goal was to lose the first 10% I've revised it to the next 10% goal a couple of times. I'm not sure how realistic it is for me to get to 140, I haven't weighed that since grade school but I can do 10 percent at a time. Just because your wife has decided on a number, doesn't really mean she is locked into that number. It may be the number she can do mentally at this time.

I understand where you're coming from: It's a very logical and very male concern (and I don't mean that as a jab). You're thinking completely makes sense.

However: Everything above is true. She'll probably change her mind. She may look fabulous 20 pounds higher than ideal and stop there. She may, at this point not be emotionally ready to commit to anything lower.

Let her get there and decide where she wants to go. In the meantime, I can put you in touch with a few other males that don't understand feminine weight loss logic. :)

This is according to what you and certain BMI scales say she "should" be. She may be happy at 170 - and it is not up to you to decide what her ideal body weight should be. I feel great at 180 (being 5"8), and was told by many that I looked anorexic at a smaller size. It's up to the individual to decide. If she has voiced she decided that number out of fear, fine - but don't assume.

Personally, the fact you used a "smug" smilie when your wife finally stopped denying she needed to - shows me that your concern is not entirely from the right heart. You should be happy she wants to lose any at all and encourage her - not try to force her to your ideal. And from a woman's perspective, telling a woman she needs to lose weight does not encourage her- it does the opposite and tears down whatever confidence she has.

I think your wife has a very balanced attitude. She wants to be slimmer and healthier, but also wants to enjoy life. So she's looking to strike a balance between the joy of having a trim, healthy body and the joy of eating. She wants to ensure she has some latitude in her eating style. To me it seems very sane and not defeatist at all.

F.

Agree with everyone here plus something else very important. BMI sucks basically. Makes no distinction between fat, muscle, and bone.

Many female and male athletes would be overweight or obese with BMI.

So yes cross that bridge when you get there but also remember how crude and misleading BMI is. Especially for active people.

Aw, I'm the same height as your wife, and my goal is 175 lbs - close to your wife's goal weight. I personally don't feel bound to the ideal weight on the BMI chart myself. My target weight is smack in the middle of "overweight" BMI. I have about 14 more lbs to go. Some ladies the same height have goal weights as low as the 130s, however. To each his own, I say.

Are you worried she won't look optimum when she stops dieting and is technically 12 lbs overweight? Are you concerned those 12 lbs will affect her health? Do you have a lot of physical type hobbies and interests and will those 12 lbs affect whether or not she can participate in them?

I don't know how old your wife is, but I'm almost 50. My main reasons for losing weight are to be in good health and be able to keep up activity-wise with my children (who are young, considering my age.) I also want to be able to "live a little" as they say, and as was mentioned in a previous post, so my target weight reflects all of that. Looking better (vanity reasons) are a nice bonus of losing weight, but that's pretty much my last motivation, personally. That said, duuuuuude, you can't even imagine how much better and healthier I look. Like, I can't even describe. 189 lbs. still sounds quite heavy for a woman, but I'm rockin' it! Don't be too quick to decide that 170 lbs goal weight won't be right for your wife.

That said, I do not rule out that when I reach my goal weight, I am open to considering further weight loss among other goals (weightlifting/fitness.) That has been the best thing about this weight loss journey - adapting, revising goals, unexpected discoveries even! My goalpost moved to a lower weight early on when I started seeing that I could actually diet successfully. Your wife might experience that as well. I say let her have her goal weight at whatever she sets it, even though you feel it is the wrong way to go about things.

Why don't you wait to see how things are looks wise and health wise and activity wise when she gets to goal weight. You might be surprised at your own reaction :) Try your best not to exude disappointment about her current weight loss goal. I don't know how much total weight your wife has to lose, but I don't even know her and I'm so proud of her for getting started and losing 22 lbs already - that is so awesome!! I can remember when I lost my first 20 lbs. I could not believe I had done it, I was so excited. It was the first inkling of confidence in myself that I was capable of this. When you have so much weight to lose, and you know you are facing over a year of eating at a calorie deficit, it's beyond daunting. Support is a must.

Best of luck!

This is very wise, and I think your wife is being wise as well. A random number some statistician tells us we are magically health and normal for having achieved does not mean jack if the quality of life we sacrifice in achieving it is beyond what we can bear.

Evaluating goals is very, very tricky. What looked like a good goal when I was morbidly obese turned out to not be satisfying or a necessary stopping point when I actually hit it. But there was no way to know that before I was actually there and maintained there for a few months. Let her play it by ear and decide for herself. I think her attitude is much healthier than a lot of women, truth be told!