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Old 03-12-2014, 12:41 PM   #1
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Hello,

I'm having a bad day. I've struggled with depression, self esteem, self-harm, anxiety, and self loathing for a long time now. I am a grad student and also employed full time. I spend four hours commuting to and from work each day and I'm writing my master's thesis on the weekends. I moved here to go to grad school about three years ago- I left my friends and family in my hometown about four hours away. I have struggled to make friends here- the one person who I was semi-close to graduated and now lives across the country. I have no social support except for a few friends who I keep in touch with online.

Well yesterday I had a huge argument with a friend and we're not speaking to each other at the moment. He has always been my rock- I go to him when I am struggling with self hatred and feeling like I want to end my life. Now I'm in a terrible mood. Angry, sad, and hating myself. I hate myself so much- the way I look, the things that I do. I haven't felt peaceful or happy in a long time. I'm not going to do something stupid, hurt myself, or binge on treats. I just needed some place to get the feelings out. I'm struggling not to cry at work today. Everything just sucks so bad right now. I feel so alone and I just don't have any hope that it will get better.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 03-12-2014, 12:54 PM   #2
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First of all, HUGE hugs to you. I'm sorry that you're going through these emotions and experiences, truly sorry. But don't you forget about us! You may not know 90% of the people on this board, or maybe you do, but no matter, we will always be a support system for you, and we are your friends! Oh gosh, that's so cheesy I'm proud of you for not giving in because I understand you're hurting and that can make everything in life just seem 200% more difficult to deal with.

I can't offer you a solution, only my love and support. I'm finally coming out of a probably 2 year depression now and there wasn't really a specific 'solution' for me either, I just had to do it eventually. I just had to find my peace. You can do it too...it might take a year, or two days. You're going to find it though.

MAJOR kudos to you for doing grad school on the side of a job..you remind me a lot of my sister. She's a high school teacher full time with a 90 min commute one way and she too was doing grad school at the same time. (And if it helps to know this, she too has had a lot of depression issues throughout. You aren't alone.)

Again, sending hugs your way. My thoughts are with you. <3
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Old 03-12-2014, 01:00 PM   #3
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Try to remember that whenever there is a down, an up is around the corner. Hang in there!
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Old 03-12-2014, 01:02 PM   #4
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Are you able to see a therapist and/or psychiatrist? I'd struggled with severe anxieties all of my life along with various levels of depression but didn't realize what treatment options were available. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression a few months ago and was put on Zoloft, and it has the fortunate side effect of easing my anxieties. I didn't know I could feel so at ease and "normal!" I did start taking a super B complex about 2 years ago, which also made my anxieties more bearable, but they've got nothing on the Zoloft. Maybe it's something for you to look into?

Good luck to you; hope you get this figured out. And I love your Blerch avatar!
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Old 03-12-2014, 03:18 PM   #5
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Hi Locke,

Just wanted to give you a big and say that things will get better. I know it's easier for a stranger to tell you this over a screen, but there's a better, brighter end to these days.

I hope you can patch things up with your friend too. I have days where I really feel like things have hit rock bottom with school, finances, family struggles, it's extremely difficult. I'm a grad student myself so I know having to work and deal with the other things in life make things extremely difficult. Just have faith that things will start looking up soon!!

You have support here from all us!!! I hope you feel better soon! Please keep us updated!
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Old 03-12-2014, 05:10 PM   #6
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I'm sorry you're finding yourself in such low spirits. I don't know if it helps to say this, but I think many of us have struggled with depression and anxiety around here. This is one of those moments where you find yourself alone and not able to depend on anyone but you, I hate that feeling especially because it's terrifying to trust and believe yourself. Think of little things that you can do everyday to nourish yourself mentally and physically and emotionally. Maybe that means signing up for a dance class or treating yourself to a massage or even to a weekend trip home. Find a source of energy and plug into it and all will feel better. Keep us posted.
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Old 03-12-2014, 05:33 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Locke View Post
Hello,

I'm having a bad day. I've struggled with depression, self esteem, self-harm, anxiety, and self loathing for a long time now. I am a grad student and also employed full time. I spend four hours commuting to and from work each day and I'm writing my master's thesis on the weekends. I moved here to go to grad school about three years ago- I left my friends and family in my hometown about four hours away. I have struggled to make friends here- the one person who I was semi-close to graduated and now lives across the country. I have no social support except for a few friends who I keep in touch with online.

Well yesterday I had a huge argument with a friend and we're not speaking to each other at the moment. He has always been my rock- I go to him when I am struggling with self hatred and feeling like I want to end my life. Now I'm in a terrible mood. Angry, sad, and hating myself. I hate myself so much- the way I look, the things that I do. I haven't felt peaceful or happy in a long time. I'm not going to do something stupid, hurt myself, or binge on treats. I just needed some place to get the feelings out. I'm struggling not to cry at work today. Everything just sucks so bad right now. I feel so alone and I just don't have any hope that it will get better.

Thanks for listening.
Wow--you've managed to get through 3 yrs of grad school in Berkeley? AND work??? I salute you! Writing a thesis invites in all sorts of self-doubt on top of whatever is already there. That's an especially hard time to lose your support system. Can you repair your friendship? Things said in the heat of the moment between good friends do not have be deal breakers. How about a walk outside in the gorgeous weather we're having today? (I live in sfbay area too). It WILL get better.
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Old 03-12-2014, 05:54 PM   #8
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Go find somewhere to get a good cry! I am lucky enough to have an office with a locking door- has helped out many times- but a bathroom or stairwell or whatever will do in a pinch!!

I agree- see if you can get a counselor through school.

I have been down before as well- and it can get better!!
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Old 03-13-2014, 10:38 AM   #9
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Thanks for all of your kindness. I'm feeling much better today. I just needed to get that bit of poison out of myself. Yes my friend and I have made up- we just get into arguments sometimes. He didn't even know that I was that mad at him, or that I was not talking to him because I was angry (typical guy behavior, ugh!).

I've gone the route of therapy and drugs before- I don't like it. I'd rather just be my natural self tackling my problems and trying to get better. Therapy has never really helped, either. I'm just at a time in my life where I'm overworked, stressed out, and I don't have a great system of social support to help me. One day at a time is how I try to take it- that helps.
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Old 03-13-2014, 11:34 AM   #10
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Locke, I'm so sorry I'm just now seeing this.

I am so glad to hear you are doing better today. Things are darkest before the dawn.

I'm a very fortunate individual in that I have never suffered serious depression, but I know many others that do. The closest I ever came was after the birth of my second child, when I had some pretty bad days with postpartum depression. But other than that, I've only dealt with what I call normal "down times."

One thing that has ALWAYS helped, when I do get into a down cycle or if I'm very stressed about something in particular, are the wise words of my late father. One of his favorite expressions was "This too shall pass." He was the calmest, most level-headed person I've ever known, and those words have brought me such comfort at the most difficult times of my life. And I've had my share.

Sometimes I just have to sit down by myself and repeat that phrase over and over again. But it's so very true. They DO pass. Always.

Hang in there! You are very accomplished and have much to be proud of. I suspect you're a person who puts a lot of demands on yourself. Be sure to take time to be kind to yourself as well.
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Old 03-13-2014, 12:42 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SouthernMaven View Post
Locke, I'm so sorry I'm just now seeing this.

I am so glad to hear you are doing better today. Things are darkest before the dawn.

I'm a very fortunate individual in that I have never suffered serious depression, but I know many others that do. The closest I ever came was after the birth of my second child, when I had some pretty bad days with postpartum depression. But other than that, I've only dealt with what I call normal "down times."

One thing that has ALWAYS helped, when I do get into a down cycle or if I'm very stressed about something in particular, are the wise words of my late father. One of his favorite expressions was "This too shall pass." He was the calmest, most level-headed person I've ever known, and those words have brought me such comfort at the most difficult times of my life. And I've had my share.

Sometimes I just have to sit down by myself and repeat that phrase over and over again. But it's so very true. They DO pass. Always.

Hang in there! You are very accomplished and have much to be proud of. I suspect you're a person who puts a lot of demands on yourself. Be sure to take time to be kind to yourself as well.
Thanks Maven,

My mom always says that, too. I just get irrational when I'm moody and I don't believe it. Even though nothing has really changed I get into this mindset where the world is crumbling. That's why I have people here to remind me during those times!
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