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-   -   "I liked you better when you were fat" (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/weight-loss-support/293599-i-liked-you-better-when-you-were-fat.html)

Sassyblonde 03-09-2014 03:37 AM

"I liked you better when you were fat"
 
So this is what my husband said to me. Since I lost the weight I don't drink wine cook fattening meals anymore. And I spend all my time at the gym. I am at a loss now. He chastised me for years to workout more and eat better(as he lost 50 lbs) and now I've changed. Yes you have to change! . I am way more confident and I am finally the person I've been trying to be...one he doesn't like apparently. Anyone else struggle in relationships after losing? I've been working on this body for 25 years ! Now I am trying to hit my goal and he says slow down you're going too fast.

Wannabeskinny 03-09-2014 09:49 AM

I hope you kicked him firmly on his behind and said "I liked you better when I was fat too."

I haven't lost all the weight yet but I do anticipate some changes, I don't know what it will be but of course things will be different. The mature thing is to sit down and talk about things before he comes out and says something so nasty. Now there are hurt feelings involved. But you can't skip out on it, you have no choice but to sit and talk it through - find out what it is that's changed for him? Is it the amount of time you're spending away from him? Is it the jealousy he feels of being more attractive to others? Does he miss his fatty enchiladas? What is it that he finds so intolerable about the changes you've made? I can't imagine that he loves you because you like to drink wine and cook fattening meals. Please let us know what happens when you sit and talk to him.

nelie 03-09-2014 09:55 AM

I think I've only seen a few women mention it over the years here here but I've heard from other places that divorce is common after one person in the relationship loses weight and the other does not (or the other doesn't adapt). I'm not saying you are heading for divorce but what I am saying is that one person in the relationship changes and the other can not adapt to that change. It is definitely a time for open dialogue. Often the other person in the relationship thinks the change is for some other reason such as another person in your life and they become jealous or possessive.

I think you just have to talk to your husband and let him know that you are happy with the new you. And yes ask for his concerns and let him know that you would like him to be part of your support team, not an adversary in your weight loss and maintenance.

novangel 03-09-2014 10:09 AM

First he criticized you and now he feels insecure. In his mind you're less likely to leave him if you're overweight. He's controlling and insecure. Something for you to ponder..

PatLib 03-09-2014 10:37 AM

I think you should just talk to him. He probably feels insecure and the food thing. ..well I have lived with someone who "forced" their diet on me and it is surprising how bitter you become. Even though I obviously cooked my own meals and that wasn't the issue, it's like I felt judged. Even though from a rational standpoint I understood that this wasn't even about me but it did reveal my own failures about my own food choices and my lack of self-control.

There are probably a lot of issues going on here that have nothing to do with your weight loss. It more about insecurity over the possibility of losing you and the self-awareness that he may be failing you.

He feels threatened by the weight loss and when people feel threatened they are at their worst even with the people they love (actually they are probably worse because a stranger you tell you where to stuff it).

I think you should both comfort him BUT also tell him is lack of support is not okay. That being healthy is for both of your happiness and he needs to get behind that.

kelijpa 03-09-2014 10:54 AM

My first thought was "too bad", then I read your post and saw it was your DH...maybe that's not the best answer. Talking about it and finding out what it is that is bothering him should help.

I know sometimes it's hard for people to get used to the change, you'll see threads here and there about people saying "you're getting too skinny" when you're at a normal weight, it's just that they're not used to seeing you at that weight.

Since you're in the losing stages there is more of an investment in time (for exercising, preparing your foods, etc) than there will be when you're in maintenance, that stage will have it's own challenges, but you won't be working so hard to lose.

Talking it out, helping him understand you are doing this in a healthy way and how much better you are feeling and that you want to share the good stuff with him should help you get through this.

It seems the people closest to us know the exact buttons to push to get under our skin. Don't let it fester, get it out in the open so it doesn't become a bigger issue than it is already.

best of luck to you :sunny:

freelancemomma 03-09-2014 12:29 PM

Tell him: "I liked you better when you were supportive.":D

F.

Paulitens 03-09-2014 02:09 PM

You have received excellent answers and I cannot fathom telling anything like that to my husband (who got a gastric sleeve and lost a lot of weight super fast, which encouraged me to lose weight). Things do change, I don't know what your husband was expecting! But it's a good change and as someone who loves you, he should adapt and support you. I supported my husband, continue to support him and will always support him in his efforts to lose weight; and I have adapted to his changes in that I decided to make changes in myself getting on a diet.

IanG 03-09-2014 03:02 PM

Well, my relationship with my wife has been put under enormous strain as a result of my change in lifestyle. And, yes, my mother-in-law said those exact words to me in the heat of an argument. Very hurtful and words that still ring in my ears months later. A key issue for me has been the energy and focus involved in changing my lifestyle. Energy and focus that has probably been taken away from my family. I eat separate meals. I post on 3FC. I work out a lot. It all takes time...

And I have changed as a person as a result of losing weight. When you lose significant weight, you do not just become a thinner you, you become a different you. Nobody told me that at the start of my journey. Some of the new you is better than the old you. But you may also lose some of the old you that you - and other people - liked. I just hope that what I have gained with the new me outweighs what I have lost (or have yet to lose) from the old me.

So the old me was a slob. The new me is not.

But the old me would give every minute of every day for his wife and kids. The new me needs to go for a run first.

alaskanlaughter 03-09-2014 03:14 PM

I feel that pressure too....to do what I need to be healthy and still not take time away from my family...this is the reason I don't work out at night hardly ever, because it's the only time i'm home with my family....the food/cooking has never been an issue but I feel badly when I go at night to workout and leave everyone else at home...I don't think THEY really mind LOLOL but I do

Sassyblonde 03-09-2014 03:51 PM

Thanks all! I love this forum!

We've talked and talked about this. Yes there are other things going on but this was the "final straw". I didn't know I would change so much either, but I think it's unavoidable. We have been together 23 years but we don't have any hobbies together; we used to go out to eat, go to wine country, I don't enjoy that as much anymore. I'd like to take up a sport like snowshoeing or white water rafting or pick something I am wide open! I don't know what he expected, for that matter I don't know what I expected either.

I workout during the week at my work on my lunch(we have a treadmill) so the time during the week isn't a huge problem. What kills me is that on the weekends, I can be at home doing laundry, cleaning, sitting on this forum but I say I am taking an hour and half to go to gym...absolute mutiny! So now I get up super early on weekends to go to gym before anyone wakes up. And everyone who knows me knows I am NOT a morning person but it's that important to me.

I would and have given anything and everything for my family, but for the last 10 years, I didn't give anything to me and as a result I was sick all the time and on the road to very poor health(can't tell you how many times I went to ER and was on pills and SO unhealthy!) . I have felt for 10 years that from the moment I get up to the moment I go back to sleep I satisfy someone else's needs and barely ever mine. Now I take some time for me and I am healthier and happier than I have ever been.
This is a lot to think about. Thanks again for the comments. I really appreciate the input.

JzBelle 03-09-2014 03:53 PM

You definitely need to discuss this with him. It may be that while the words he said have some truth, they are not the deep truth.

That being said--people don't like change, and when someone is in a certain 'role' in relation to them they feel threatened when that is different. Many many people who lose weight find that friends or loved ones praise you for the effort, but ultimately feel insecure about it because they have to adapt to the new you.
Hope you work it out!

Serenity100 03-09-2014 06:31 PM

I've been married 35 years come October, so I have a little experience. :D (child bride)

In any family there are jobs, and somebody has to do them. If your partner feels like all the jobs are being shifted to them while you work out, plan your meals etc., then of course they are going to be feel put out.

Same thing to spending time together. If you no longer want to partake in going out to dinner or drinking wine (I think you can still figure out a meal that would work with your plan) then think of another activity you can do together so the SO doesn't feel neglected. Going out together is to get out of the boredom of staying home every night and getting the opportunity to enjoy each other's company. Maybe go for a hike at a park, or the beach, a walk around the block, a bike ride. . . together.Go to a museum, a concert, a dog show. . .lots of stuff doesn't involve eating or drinking.

Yes, you are worth it!, but so is having a supportive and loving partner. jmo. If your partner is important to you than you can figure out a way to work things out.

hiddenstar 03-09-2014 07:20 PM

I'm going to suggest something different. Maybe try increasing the bedroom activity or a little more spontaneous smooching. :hug: could be he is feeling neglected or afraid that you are losing interest in him.

My dh and I are changing. I'm becoming fitness nut and he is over weight and doesn't want to change. But I keep grabbing him so that he knows that he is still my number one.

Earthling 03-10-2014 12:34 PM

I don't have a DH but my closest friend did say to me once "You were more fun before you lost the weight." I imagine it invokes similar turmoil.
I just need to say that I very respectfully don't agree with some of the opinions. Particularly differentiating between "old" you and "new" you. Just don't do it. It's senseless. It will make you second guess your decision to become healthy and that's absolutely bonkers.
You are you.
You always were you. You were not a different person.
Losing weight and getting healthier perhaps simply makes you feel like more like "you."
Using "old" you and "new" you is simply a way shunning something about yourself that you didn't like. But you have to love it.
I know this about myself now too.
Without knowing the private context of the conversation between you an your husband, are you sure he meant it? I mean TRULY meant. Not just being malicious or impulsive. Him saying that might have been a symptom of a larger issue that has nothing to do with your weight, or time, or priorities, or eating schedule.
These things DO NOT a loving relationship make or break. So if, over time, he ultimately is willing to break something over this then perhaps you should let him.
I didn't let that comment from my friend ruin anything though. In fact, I quietly took some time to think about what it meant. And what it meant was this... nothing. To me.
It was important that she had said it, though, because at the same time I was struggling with identity issues over "old" me and "new" me. And that's when I realized how positively destructive that mindset is and how much it doesn't make sense anyway.
Its just not worth it and everybody says things they don't mean. Yet, it might have been a different story if this was a recurring theme in our friendship.

Whatever happens, just remember that your opinion of yourself is the one that counts. Not anyone else's. Not even someone's that you love. And also that people change. Not into some new. Just into who they always were inside their soul but didn't have the experience to get there. Now you have it. So keep going.
You'll figure out how to balance anything that requires balancing as you go.


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