I'm going to suggest something different. Maybe try increasing the bedroom activity or a little more spontaneous smooching. could be he is feeling neglected or afraid that you are losing interest in him.
My dh and I are changing. I'm becoming fitness nut and he is over weight and doesn't want to change. But I keep grabbing him so that he knows that he is still my number one.
Its remarkable how much this helps, I agree completely.
And there is a fine balance of maintaining my health without becoming selfish over my time/food/activities in a way that burdens my family. It doesn't sound like that is the issue here, but I try to make sure my habits and time use is structured in such a way that it doesn't shift a big load onto my husband, who already has enough on his plate. For me that means working out before everyone wakes up, and fixing their meals and mine, even though it is hard to cook a meal of tempting food. It also means when we go out on dates I pick places we can both have food we like, as opposed to a place where one of us can eat and the other is miserable.
I was kind of p.o.'d at my husband, in a way, recently because he's come to the realization that is an alcoholic and he needed to quit it completly. I liked sharing a bottle of wine on weekends, but he decided we can't do that anymore. Which means I technically still can but I won't do it alone and at times it does make me resentful. Divorce-level resentful? No, but I am sure I do some passive-aggressive things of which I am not really aware because I am ticked at losing my wine buddy.
First 10% goal (180):
Next 10% goal (162):
Next & final 10% goal (145):
It's impossible to comment on someone else's relationship, but I do know that I've faced some major hurdles just with the weight I've already lost. In our case, part of it is because the way of eating we adopted was recommended initially to help with his health problems, but he hasn't lost anything (or solved many health issues), and he doesn't understand that on top of eating different foods, I'm restricting calories and working out.
At my heaviest, I think I made it really clear that I felt that he was all I would ever get (how horrible is that?). Not that I didn't love him more than anything (still do), but I hated myself so badly I transferred it to him. Now I'm getting attention from men occasionally, and I think that scares him. These are things I have to work on with him, but at the same time, I won't tolerate him denigrating my lifestyle changes.
I have a good friend who is done losing, and her husband was jealous and possessive and insecure. It took them a while to work through it, but they did.
Beautifully said. This is how I feel. I never thought I was a different person either. I am more confident about letting my true self show. I was always shy and let the weight hide me. This is definitely more about his insecurities and our marriage as a whole. I honestly did not think it would survive the weekend. Lots to think about.
Originally Posted by Earthling
I don't have a DH but my closest friend did say to me once "You were more fun before you lost the weight." I imagine it invokes similar turmoil.
I just need to say that I very respectfully don't agree with some of the opinions. Particularly differentiating between "old" you and "new" you. Just don't do it. It's senseless. It will make you second guess your decision to become healthy and that's absolutely bonkers.
You are you.
You always were you. You were not a different person.
Losing weight and getting healthier perhaps simply makes you feel like more like "you."
Using "old" you and "new" you is simply a way shunning something about yourself that you didn't like. But you have to love it.
I know this about myself now too.
Without knowing the private context of the conversation between you an your husband, are you sure he meant it? I mean TRULY meant. Not just being malicious or impulsive. Him saying that might have been a symptom of a larger issue that has nothing to do with your weight, or time, or priorities, or eating schedule.
These things DO NOT a loving relationship make or break. So if, over time, he ultimately is willing to break something over this then perhaps you should let him.
I didn't let that comment from my friend ruin anything though. In fact, I quietly took some time to think about what it meant. And what it meant was this... nothing. To me.
It was important that she had said it, though, because at the same time I was struggling with identity issues over "old" me and "new" me. And that's when I realized how positively destructive that mindset is and how much it doesn't make sense anyway.
Its just not worth it and everybody says things they don't mean. Yet, it might have been a different story if this was a recurring theme in our friendship.
Whatever happens, just remember that your opinion of yourself is the one that counts. Not anyone else's. Not even someone's that you love. And also that people change. Not into some new. Just into who they always were inside their soul but didn't have the experience to get there. Now you have it. So keep going.
You'll figure out how to balance anything that requires balancing as you go.
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. –Henry David Thoreau
I haven't lost massive amounts of weight yet but something has changed in me in a profound way. When we first got married we were quite similar. But after we got married I slowly started to realize that I like physical activity. I enjoy playing tennis, riding my bike, going hiking, swimming, going out daily for a walk at the very least, I want to try things like canoeing, kayaking, white water rafting, paddling, ziplining etc. I like planning activities that are physical in nature. And my hubby is thin and relatively fit, but he has ZERO interest in exercise or physical activities. Eventhough he can jog (I've seen him do it when I forced him to) for over a mile without stopping, which is something I long to do, he doesn't want to. When I bought my bike he had no interest to even sit on it, said that it's been so long that he's probably forgotten how to. Refuses to learn how to swim, has no interest in joining a gym, going hiking, playing tennis with me or anything at all! I do admit that I find this really hard, I can't inspire him in any way and it really gets to me. I wish we were one of those families that goes bike riding together, and likes to do fun activities together. He's always been thin and quite strong, but has no interest in being recreationally active.
"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
Last edited by Palestrina : 03-11-2014 at 09:14 AM.
So this is what my husband said to me. Since I lost the weight I don't drink wine cook fattening meals anymore. And I spend all my time at the gym. I am at a loss now. He chastised me for years to workout more and eat better(as he lost 50 lbs) and now I've changed. Yes you have to change! . I am way more confident and I am finally the person I've been trying to be...one he doesn't like apparently. Anyone else struggle in relationships after losing? I've been working on this body for 25 years ! Now I am trying to hit my goal and he says slow down you're going too fast.
I think the best thing is to pause and talk. It could be insecurity or just needing time to adjust. OR....it could be a VERY LEGITIMATE concern of his.
All I can go by are your own words. "Slow down you're going too fast" can be VERY supportive advice. Why? You can overdo weight loss. You can be doing things that are so extreme that your body rebels, your mind rebels, or both. This can lead to yo-yoing.
Losing weight too fast can lead to additional medical complications.
I don't know what is going on. Maybe it is insecurity. But reading the responses most everyone seemed to take the most negative viewpoint possible.
Taking the most positive viewpoint or something in between might actually get you to the heart of what is going on. I'm not saying what is going on, but jumping to the most negative conclusions is not the most helpful way to proceed IMHO.
I think if his concerns were about your health, he would say it that way. Saying "I liked you better when you were fat" is a very negative thing to say, IMO. If he is actually concerned about your health, it seems like he would voice those concerns better than that. Although he did say "slow down, you're going too fast" but I don't know, the first comment seems negative not very supportive.
Last edited by abetterme : 03-11-2014 at 03:19 PM.
I think it is better that the conversation is on the table. He should have chosen his words better or used different ones altogether, but the reality is that one of you has changed and this upsets the balance in marriage. He may have said what he said because you've stopped listening to each other or he's feeling bad about his own situation. Sit down and talk about it, or see a counselor. It is nobody's fault, but it does need to be talked about especially since he's brought it up.
We do change when we lose weight and not all of those changes are positive, I know that I have gotten more selfish with my time, I've bumped up the grocery bill because of my diet. I keep changing recipes so they are healthier and I literally kick him out of the bedroom when he eats popcorn! We've been married for almost 25 years, there are always growing pains and changing pains but keeping the lines of communication open will help.
a reminder from myself...
I have to fight the tendency of stinkin' thinkin' to give up because I'm not progressing. As long as I am still moving and watching what I put in my mouth then I am progressing no matter what the scale says.