I didn't know where to post this but it seemed like getting and giving support seemed the most appropriate. If not, feel free to move this.
I lost my Gary on the 18th of January, approximately two weeks ago. It is still so raw and new to me. Every morning I wake up and realize that he is not here anymore and I have to go the rest of my life without him in it. Because of his health problems I had to go to his house everyday for the past couple of years to help take care of him. Now I don't know what to do with myself.
I wrote somewhere on here before about Gary. He was super morbidly obese. He weighed about 800 pounds when he died. He had many fears and phobias that kept him from going to the doctor for medical care until near the end when it was too late. I always tried to get him to have the WLS but he was always afraid he would die on the table. I would tell him he was more likely to die if he didn't have the surgery but his phobia of anything doctor or medical procedures was too great.
The week before he died he started getting worse and I moved in with him to help him day and night. His nurse practioneer (who was nothing short of an angel) would come out to see him since he wouldn't and couldn't get in to see her. He fell out of bed a lot because he only had three used mattresses piled up on top of one another and the top mattress alway slid off the pile throwing him to the floor. His last night at home when he fell, it took him two hours to get himself back in the bed. His NP came and talked him into going to the hospital because she told him he may have broken something. She told me that she was hoping they would see what shape he was in and keep him, and they did.
It was a nightmare what he went through at the hospital, especially the morning he died five days later. He had lethal sleep apnea the doctor told me and there was nothing they could do for him. They gave him morphine his first night there and he started hallucinating through the night from the lack of oxygen to his brain. The next night they gave him more morphine and he hallucinated more and it was worse. A nightmare to me. The next morphine he had crashed twice due to respiratory problems and they moved him to the step down unit next to ICU. I didn't know anything about the lethal sleep apnea at that time. Didn't even see a doctor except for the night he was admitted and when he crashed. I had to demand to see him then. The nurses were just trying to handle it. On the third night we asked for no morphine because we were thinking that must be having something to do with his hallucinating. But no it was worse. On the fourth morning a lung specialist came in and calmly told me Gary was dying from lethal sleep apnea and there was nothing they could do to help him. That all the hallucinating was oxygen not getting to his brain while he was sleeping due to the sleep apnea. The next and last night of his life was the worst thing I, as a mother, had ever had to witness. He struggled and fought all night long. He would call out for me and I would answer him that I was there. There was always about 6 - 10 nurses, etc., around him. A doctor finally came in about 3 in the morning. She wanted me to "go home and get some rest" she said because I was upsetting him. Huh? But I thought surely she wouldn't be sending me home if they thought he might die and I hadn't had any sleep since the night before he went into the hospital so I did. I told him I would be back later that morning. But he died at about 5 am and I was not with him to tell him bye and how much I loved him. :'(
Gary was an angel, and is now my angel in Heaven. He had so many fears and phobias that kept him from getting the help he so desperately needed. If he had had the surgery back when he weighed about 500 pounds he would be alive today. Everybody says that at least he isn't suffering anymore and they are right but despite all his problems I know he wanted to live. He told me so often. He wanted someone to love and to love him. He never even had a girlfriend.
I could talk of some more horrors from when he died but they are horrors I hope to get out of my mind in time. I feel such guilt that I should have done more but I think I did all I could. I was constantly trying to get him help but his fears held him back. He is now in Jesus's arms I pray and can't wait to see him as soon as I can. Thank you for listening to my grief and congrats to all of you for doing everything you can to lose the weight and win the battle against obesity. I still need to lose about 150 pounds myself but am eating non-stop to try to feed my feelings of guilt and grief. But I will get on a diet soon because I know Gary would want me to.