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Old 01-30-2014, 05:31 PM   #1
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Default Skinny? Its all relative....

I have now lost 51 pounds - having just broken through that 50 pound plateau yesterday. I was telling my mom how sometimes I still don't see the weight loss...that I still feel and (in my mind) look like I did at 223. I remarked that, "I just cant see the skinny me in the mirror sometimes".

She went on a 15 minute rant telling me, "you aren't skinny. You are smaller but you aren't skinny." over and over again...

God knows I know I am not truly "skinny" but skinnier than what I was. I felt like total crap when I was able to get off the phone.

At 47 why does she still get under my skin as badly as she did when I was 16?!?!?!?

~end rant/whine~
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Old 01-30-2014, 05:42 PM   #2
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Sorry she made you feel badly...I think that you've made an amazing accomplishment, and if you want to call yourself skinny, so be it. I got some comments from people who I thought were friends (or at least good acquaintances), when I lost my weight...comments ranged from congrats to the ones who tried to undermine me by saying things like "well, you still have a little to go right?"...gosh shut your trap if you can't be supportive.

As for mothers, I'm jaded. If mine were in my life now, her psychological warfare would reduce me back to depression and defeat, so please don't let her words hurt you. Who knows why she would say that to you but keep reminding yourself that you have done a great thing for yourself!

Last edited by Chardonnay; 01-30-2014 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 01-30-2014, 06:03 PM   #3
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I don't know about the relationship so my only advice is not to read too much into it. People around me say how good I look but I know I am still technically obese by BMI. I am 5'9.5". And I will be for around 20 more lbs.

I am the first to say BMI is very crude. But maybe her reaction was the word. If you had said I feel so much better. I feel so much healthier. I still have a ways to go but I am feeling so good where I am?

All those things apply to me. I still have a ways to go. Skinny is a very laden word. For all you know she is very impressed but wants you to get to a weight that to her is even healthier for you.
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Old 01-30-2014, 06:46 PM   #4
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Like Chardonnay, I am jaded when it comes to mothers. Mine was such a twisted sick person. The comment you described is not unlike something she might say...and its not normal. I'll repeat it: It is not normal for a mother to say such hurtful, undermining things to her daughter. If this is what your mother is like, that might explain why she still gets under your skin. Because she is all you've ever known for a mother, you might not see the true disfunction of a mother saying that, but you know you dont like it. I'm sorry that she was a part of the hand you were dealt. You can try telling her how you feel, but I can almost promise you that she knows what she is saying and she is not clueless to how that might make you feel (not good thats for sure)...I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark here, but telling her next time that what she is saying is mean and hurtful will either 1. cause her to get angry at you and blame you for being "sensitive" OR 2. will cause her to play the victim role and cry/whine about how she has never been a good enough mother and how she is an awful mom.... An emotionally healthy mother would listen to your feelings, apologize and make an effort to change her ways, but like I said an emotionally healthy mother would most likely never say that to you because, its petty obvious that was hurtful and an emotionally healthy mom would not want to hurt her daughter. Some how hurting you fills some kind of void in your mother.
Its unfair that women like that have children, but I guess we wouldnt be here if not so...

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Old 01-30-2014, 07:19 PM   #5
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Thanks, all, especially Glamourgirl827. She does know she is being hurtful and will tell me I am being sensitive because the fact is I am NOT skinny. It was a term I was using to explain how I was feeling.

She has also told me during this weight loss journey when I am wearing something that she deems hideous. Talk about being insincere when she tells me this when we are out in public!!! I could go on but the "skinny" thing really, really upset me yesterday.

And, the kicker??? Shes probably at least 75 pounds overweight!!!
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Old 01-30-2014, 08:20 PM   #6
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Charming. Chances are she's taking her own insecurities out on you, some people never grow out of that kind of thing. Sad, but true.

Congratulations on your tremendous accomplishment, we all know how hard you have to work for each and every pound!
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Old 01-30-2014, 08:36 PM   #7
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Well, there MAY be another side to this. Earlier today my 17-yo DD showed me an essay she wrote for a memoir assignment in her English class. It was about my piano instruction to her several years ago. It was a very well-written piece (got her a 100%) and I laughed in self-recognition, but it also pained me to realize how traumatized she was by my instruction, which she interpreted as critical and belittling. I was just being my usual self, which includes high expectations and an impatient streak.

It's just possible that your mother interpreted the word "skinny" as "I'm finished with weight loss," and her high expectations of you compelled her to suggest that you could do still "better."

It's hard being a daughter, but it's also hard being a mother.

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Old 01-30-2014, 10:03 PM   #8
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Mothers know how to push our buttons. They installed them.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people. ~Orson Welles

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Old 01-31-2014, 08:32 AM   #9
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I totally get you on using the word "skinny" to describe how you feel. Even at the same weight one day I feel fat and then next I might feel skinny. And believe me, I've been there with the hurtful things that mothers can say. My mother has said things to me that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. I try to forgive her because of the hardship she's suffered in her life but I'm not going to lie, it hurts and sends me into a tailspin of despair. I wish I could please her but no matter what I do she finds something to be disappointed in.

Anyway, the only way that I find helps me is to move forward, put it behind me and learn how not to treat my kid. For the record, she's also been an awesome mother in many respects, her flaws do not define her for me and I love her unconditionally. Mother/daughter relationships are very complicated and we have to accept people for who they are and learn to dodge their bullets.

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
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Old 02-01-2014, 04:27 AM   #10
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I have extended family who make stupid remarks all the time!! it's annoying. best of luck to you!
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:34 AM   #11
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Everyone's relationship with their family is unique, but I know that mine was emotionally abusive - so if something like this happened to me, from let's say, my sister that I no longer speak to - it wouldn't matter if I was at goal or far away from it - she would say it to simply be hurtful. So I focus on intent - if someone was being matter-of-fact/blunt about their definition of skinny, or if they were saying "no you're not" to simply be discouraging...

Family members can evoke many strong emotions that others cannot (the invisible umbilical cord?), no matter what age you are at. I think I'd be a terrible parent haha.

I listened to my gut and it said "You could do with less of me."
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Old 02-01-2014, 08:57 AM   #12
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...gosh shut your trap if you can't be supportive.
well said Chardonnay
If I'm not willing to put in any more work, then I have to be satisfied with the results I've achieved. If I'm not satisfied with the results I've acheived I have to put in more work. - Kaplods

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Success leaves clues, look at what the people you admire are doing to succeed.

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Old 02-02-2014, 01:42 PM   #13
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I saw a perfect quote today that I took to heart "don't let other peoples opinions distort your reality". I think that maybe my mantra from now on!!

Thanks all for the kind words. Stinks that some of you have had similar things happen to you. I love my mother but sometimes I think she is my worse enemy!!!
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Old 02-02-2014, 01:48 PM   #14
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I remember when I was 174 after losing my weight before. I looked in the mirror and always thought I look just slightly smaller than I did at 250. The funny thing is, I only seem to truly see the difference when I look at photos. Now that I have gained it all (plus some) back I look at the pictures of me at 174 and I think, "I was skinny". There is no specific weight that people get to to be considered skinny. It's all visual... perspective. She may not think you look skinny, but that's just her perspective. You've come a long way. You know your struggle and your success. Don't let that make you think any less of your progress. Keep your head up!
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Old 02-02-2014, 09:00 PM   #15
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I remember when I got to goal at WW years ago I set my goal at 125 pounds which seemed "skinny" to me. Now my goal is 146 pounds which seems very skinny to me, but back then I didn't think 146 was skinny at all. And, I remember when I was so upset to get to 180 pounds (my then high weight) whereas now I can't wait to get back to 180.

So ...it is all relative.
Working on Less of A Better Me!
My weight loss blog at http://lessofabetterme.com/

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