Back in spring/summer I restricted my calories so much I went from 150lbs down to my lowest ever of 124lbs in about 2 months. While I felt lifeless, I was proud of myself for getting to a weight I'd only dreamed of...of course it didn't last and I binged myself back to 150-160. I was out of control.
These days I keep my weight between 140-150. I LOVED that I was able to get down to such a small weight, but my chest bones began popping out, boobs deflated, bingo wings sagged. Even though I still felt like my tummy pooch and thighs were huge so it was never enough.
I think I look my best at 130-135. The thing is getting there because dieting isn't enough. Honestly above everything else -as vain as it sounds- the only thing I want in the world to be thinner.
So if I want it that bad and think about it 24/7 and constantly criticize myself and wish I was someone else, WHY can't I change my lifestyle? If it's so important to me and if I'm that ashamed of my body, why can't I bring myself to fix it?
I want to eat only when HUNGRY and make good choices, lift weights and be active. Being I only work 3 days a week and have weights and know routines that have worked for me in the past when I was seeing a personal trainer and going to the gym -to counter the rapid gain from binge eating- it should be SO EASY to get there!
When I was dieting successfully -before I restricted out of control), I used to weigh daily to track my progress and calorie count. Both drove me absolutely crazy. I think I'm afraid of that the most. I feel like it's never going to be possible because I will always want to slip up and eat cake or borderline starve myself if it fluctuates... but if I don't weigh daily I'm more tempted to go off track. But if I lift how do I even know due to water repair and muscle mass? The tape measure isn't enough!
I don't know what to do. It sounds stupid coming from someone that is a sm for tops and sm-m in bottoms... but I feel like I can do much more for myself. I'm just lazy and lost the willpower to say "no".
I don't know what to do. How can I get on track and what do I do differently so I don't end up binging or starving?