Location: Smack dab in the middle, Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 668
S/C/G: 203.4/170.4/140.0
Height: 5'0"
Jealous family members?
Oh, I am almost cackling here, I am so amused by what just happened. Bahahaha. And I knew I had to share with everyone here, because honestly, I'm sure others here have had to deal with the same kind of thing.
Brace yourselves for a long backstory in 3...2....1.....
On my mother's side of the family, I have nine cousins. Only two of them are girls. And all three of us were born within a year. So we've always been kind of...thrown together, I guess? And -- oh god, I feel like this is going to sound self-centered, but it's true, everyone in the family knows it -- the other two have always been resentful/jealous of me. (I was seriously ill as a baby -- like, "five percent chance of survival" kind of deal -- and so I always got a lot of extra attention as a child and when we were growing up.)
Anyway.
Weight issues run in our family, and all three of us girls were big all our lives. I was the smallest, but that wasn't saying much, you know?
Then in 2011 I started losing weight -- and that's when the claws came out, at least on the part of one of my female cousins. (We'll call her Jane.) Jane is two months older than me, to the day. She is bigger than me, but she carries herself as though she has a lot of confidence. To be honest -- she carries herself almost as though she thinks she's better than other people. But that's beside the point.
All the while I was working on losing weight, everyone --both in and outside of the family -- noticed and complimented me. Obviously, I wasn't doing it to be complimented, but it was still nice to hear.
The only two family members who not only didn't compliment me, but didn't even mention my weight loss -- not even once? Jane and her mother.
OK, well, whatever. I'm well aware that's due to jealousy, so to each their own.
Today, I found a graphic online that just immediately struck a chord with me. You ever have that experience? Like, you find a picture and you think, "Oh wow, exactly! That sums up how I feel perfectly!" It was a response to that oft-expressed line "Real men love curvy women; only dogs go for bones." The graphic I posted was captioned: "REAL men like whatever the **** they want. Real women don't refer to men as 'dogs' or other women as 'bones'."
Not thirty seconds after I posted the graphic to my Facebook timeline, Jane comments on it with one word: "WHATEVER."
.....Well now, that's real mature, isn't it, Jane? So...what, you can post your opinion (she has posted that "real men go for meat, only dogs go for bones" garbage numerous times) but I can't post MY opinion on MY Facebook?
It just....it's funny, because it angers me that she can't be at least the slightest bit happy that I'm trying to get (and stay) healthy. But at the same time, I look at her behaviour and think to myself, "You think you're jealous now? Wait till I'm done, *****. I'll put you to SHAME."
It's awful, I know....but it really is motivation to me. We're both bridesmaids in our other cousin's wedding in June of 2014, and I am going to wear the **** out of that dress.
Just enjoy the jealousy, you know you want to!!! I don't think you really want people to be happy for you, so I wouldn't judge her for not being so. I think you want to be happy for yourself, and the jealousy is the icing on the cake.
Location: Smack dab in the middle, Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 668
S/C/G: 203.4/170.4/140.0
Height: 5'0"
Quote:
Originally Posted by ggbsy
Just enjoy the jealousy, you know you want to!!! I don't think you really want people to be happy for you, so I wouldn't judge her for not being so. I think you want to be happy for yourself, and the jealousy is the icing on the cake.
....I'm not quite sure how to take your comment, to be honest. *L*
You're right about one thing, though...I *do* want to be happy for myself, so I don't particularly care if anyone else is happy for me.
Congrats on the loss, I know sometimes it can be hard for those who are close to you to be happy, since they see something in you that they wish they could accomplish. Sometimes people just like to be stinkers, and if they want to be that way.. then they can be that way. If you are close, maybe just mention to them (in person) that you notice that they seem to take many of the things you say personally, and nothing you said was meant to offend and that you didn't have anyone in mind.
I know when my sister in law lost about 40 pounds and I hadn't lost anything and wasn't concerned at the time, she said things that were seemingly pointed at me and I took offense. I realize now she was insecure and was trying to get attention and didn't realize what the things she was saying were implying, but it hurt nonetheless. She was in my wedding, and on my wedding day I was the highest weight I'd ever been, and in the months previous she kept saying that she needed to lose 5 pounds before my wedding - knowing what I struggled with. I kept my mouth shut, but I really wanted to say "Oh, really? I need to lose 150. What are you trying to say about me?" But when people say these things they're only looking for attention and I wasn't about to give it to her. She'd always talk about how she needed to calorie count and about what she'd eaten that day and how much she exercised that morning and how oh she couldn't eat that because it'd be bad...Which is why I'm here online, not talking to my family non-stop about my weight and eating habits.
Try not to play into the drama... I know it's hard, but in the end, the way your family acts is upon them and if they want to be childish they can be childish.
Yeah, it does seem a bit self-centered to be convinced (or care whether) family is jealous of you, and even more so to express such glee over it. It seems like jealousy and one-upmanship rivalry run in your family. Too bad compassion doesn't run deeper.
You and Jane could be support for one another, instead she bolsters her self esteem with the belief that being fat makes her special and superior and you feel the need to shoot down her delusions and then gloat about it to strangers.
I feel sad for her, and for you. You both deserve so much better.
But I can imagine the toxicity you had been living under ~ you can't escape it, even writing it down, with the power to edit your side!
I've felt that Unspoken Competition ~ to Speak of It would make It Real.
I've also experienced multi-generational anger towards me only because of competition between cousins that I had no idea about ~ I was unlucky to be the daughter of one and the claws came out.
The only thing that will make it go away is for everyone to have lived their dreams, be fulfilled, be in love, have enough money, be gorgeous, and be blissed out. Probably not going to happen for anybody at once, much less everybody.
Can you put your family members under "Acquaintances" in FB settings (i.e. post under Friends except Acquaintances)?? I know you want to gloat/make a point even a little. My Family kind of ruined FB for me, where I could be myself, so they don't see half my stuff.
Location: Smack dab in the middle, Newfoundland, Canada
Posts: 668
S/C/G: 203.4/170.4/140.0
Height: 5'0"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkrid
Yeah, it sounds harsh in writing..
But I can imagine the toxicity you had been living under ~ you can't escape it, even writing it down, with the power to edit your side!
I've felt that Unspoken Competition ~ to Speak of It would make It Real.
I've also experienced multi-generational anger towards me only because of competition between cousins that I had no idea about ~ I was unlucky to be the daughter of one and the claws came out.
The only thing that will make it go away is for everyone to have lived their dreams, be fulfilled, be in love, have enough money, be gorgeous, and be blissed out. Probably not going to happen for anybody at once, much less everybody.
Can you put your family members under "Acquaintances" in FB settings (i.e. post under Friends except Acquaintances)?? I know you want to gloat/make a point even a little. My Family kind of ruined FB for me, where I could be myself, so they don't see half my stuff.
Yes, tonight I basically overhauled my security settings on FB so that she (and her mother) will only be able to see the most basic things I post. They won't be privy to any pictures I post (that way they won't be able to tell me how "haggard" I look these days) and they definitely won't see any fitness-related things I post.
I do realize that my original post came across horribly. Obviously I've come off as a complete and total *****, but...I didn't mean to. I suppose it's easier for me to come across this way instead of expressing to perfect strangers how much it hurt, growing up, to be excluded by her and my other cousin from everything they did. I always felt very much a "third wheel", the odd girl out, so to speak, and always felt that they felt I wasn't good enough for them for some reason. It's not easy to express that to perfect strangers, and I guess it's just easier to come across the way I did (although I guess it left people with an awful picture of me.)
Location: from Canada currently living in Cairo, Egypt
Posts: 308
S/C/G: 380/ticker/180
Height: 5"9
Hey Snoofie.... don't sweat it.
I grew up with part of my family being incredibly jealous of my parents and of myself.... I was the 'smart' one... we had the nice house...etc etc.... one day my grandparents told me (when I was 7 mind you) "Your parents are getting a divorce and don't love you anymore" (my parents had just had a fight)
When they moved away (used to live arond the corner, then moved 6 hours away) they totally forgot my birthday (I was 10).... then 3 months after my uncle said my grandparents wanted to know what I wanted.... I told him nothing from them. (all I really wanted was a phone call or card on my birthday)
There's more... but I don't want to go on all day.
These people are small minded and petty... they pick on eachother's flaws because they are the definition of a bully. They are poison and no longer in my life (last contact with them was when I was 18.... and will stay that way)
People who didn't have family members like that don't understand.... Don't sweat what strangers on the internet think about your post.... move on and stay strong
Last edited by time4me2change; 10-18-2013 at 03:37 AM.
You don't have to justify yourself to anyone, sorry people are being so harsh towards you. I understand all too well that sometimes bad people make us do bad things. I don't really believe that either you or your cousin are "bad people" but the rivalry that has been hoisted on you guys from a young age must have caused a lot of problems along the way. The problem is probably your parents, who have pinned you against eachother from the get-go in the way parents do - this is especially true for girls pertaining to their appearance. If you were raised to compete against each other then it shouldn't be so hard for everyone to understand why you wrote your post.
I'm all for doing what's best for YOU so you're going to have to think about that. You have some choices. You could limit your interaction with her as much as possible online and otherwise. You can learn to ignore her and let things slide off your back. You can confront her and tell her how she makes you feel. Or you can cut her out of your life altogether. The basic premise is the same - let go of your expectations of HER and take control of your own responses to her.
Life becomes much easier once you realize that you can't expect anyone to care about you as much as you care about yourself. Her life revolves around her, you can't expect her or anyone to give you what you need, she's proven she cant.
I get disappointed all the time from friends, family etc. It never ceases to amaze me how little people actually care. I've accepted it and expect nothing when my time comes to shine. That way when someone shows up for me it's a wonderful surprise.
Your original post made me giggle at the fact Jane was being a snarky ***** and didn't need to be. She just sounds resentful. It makes me laugh how people like her think that everything is about them and if something isn't going their way, they do their best to bring that person down. However, I suspect there was an element of poison in your posting that message
Don't apologise. Some people will understand your post/feelings and others will not. I've had some nasty comments on threads I've started, so it happens to us all.
Location: Houston, Tx, but Missouri in the summer on the lake.
Posts: 158
S/C/G: 150/148/125
Height: 5' 2"
I do think your post maybe came off a little harsh, but hey if it's how you feel it's how you feel. I have a cousin that I was somewhat force to be close to growing up, now we can't stand each other, I have chosen to just move on from her. She actually deleted my whole family from Facebook, due to us not commenting on everything she posts. I say "whatever" to that. Life is way too short to hold grudges. I am a 37 year old women who has lost both her parents. Trust me, life goes by too fast.
So I would say if you two don't like each other, that's fine. No one says you have to like your relatives. In my family, only my brothers and sisters are the ones I have to put up with the rest of my life. (and I love them)
Just don't let the way this post came off derail you from your weight loss goals. You are doing a great job losing weight. Be proud of all you are doing your own well being.
By the way, I am sure your cousin wishes she was on the same weight loss path as you. Maybe she just doesn't know where to start? You could always offer to help her get in shape before your cousins wedding. We really never know what battles someone else is going through, even family.
I didn't think kaplods' comment was harsh or nasty. I thought it was a valuable, tough love perspective. It's natural to want your emotions or viewpoint validated, but that doesn't mean it's healthy or really serving you in the long run. It seems like it will be satisfying to get the last laugh or finally one-up another, but those are hollow 'victories.' It doesn't lead to a real, deep peace with yourself - if anything, it moves you further away from it. And saying that is not holier-than-thou lecturing or judging you as wanting; rather, it's coming from a place of compassion, having walked that road and seen where it led, and wishing others could avoid the unavoidable suffering. ... I'm not sure it usually helps, though. I think most of this has to be experienced directly and can only be realized through prolonged suffering, and there's no shortcut through it.
Snoofie, you're not terrible for feeling the way you do. Not at all - and I don't think anyone here thinks that. I hope you can find peace and freedom from the emotional tanglements of your cousin.
Last edited by Desiderata; 10-18-2013 at 10:19 AM.
Everyone's opinion is necessary and holds truth. But I know that when I'm feeling upset about something the very last thing I want to hear from anyone is "I feel sad for you." Pity is never helpful.
Last edited by Palestrina; 10-19-2013 at 01:47 PM.
I agree with some others-if this is how you feel this is how you feel. Don't ever regret posting your true feelings-even if some don't share your opinion. We all handle situations differently. If I agree or disagree with you is not the point. I feel this should be a place you can vent your frustrations. None of us are perfect.
Jealous family members?
