Why did you seek out a psychiatrist as opposed to a psychologist or some other kind of therapist? The reason I ask is because a psychiatrist will most likely try to diagnose you with something and may involve medication, they're more like a doctor. If you're looking for someone to talk to and be counseled, then a psychologist might be a better choice.
This guy was a total idiot in my opinion. The whole point of the first session is for this person to LISTEN, and nothing more than that. A really good therapist will listen to you, and ask questions that may lead YOU to discovering what the issues are and lead YOU to find ways to fix them. Maybe weight is one of those issues for you, maybe it would have come up on a subsequent visit, maybe not. But he zeroed in on it while you were talking about your Mother? That speaks volumes of him, he thinks he's got you pegged and he of all people should know that people are more complicated than that. Run, as fast as you can and find a therapist that will listen to you first. Drop a bad review while you're at it. And I would considering going back for a 2nd session and telling him what I thought of him. "are you suggesting that the root of my problems stems from my weight?"
When I was looking for a therapist to help me with my eating disorder I went to a few people to find the right one. One of the therapists I visited was so ridiculous I couldn't wait to get out of there! I began by telling her that I think I needed some help addressing my eating issues, which I suspected were the symptoms of an eating disorder. Her first question was "How long have you been fat?" I wasn't there to talk about my weight, I was there to talk about my eating disorder, and the fact that she couldn't see the difference made me nervous. She went on to talk about dieting, and even suggested we go on a diet together because she needed to lose a few pounds too. There are good therapists and there are idiots.
Don't hesitate to get an appointment with another therapist, maybe even 2 or 3 others. You need to find the right one, and there's no law saying that you have to do it on the first try.
I can understand therapists being concerned about weight problems when a patient is expressely dealing with ED, but in your case, it seems the problems are of a whole other nature, so... Where the heck did that come from, right?
Don't pretend that you're happy with your body if you're not, don't pretend that you're not trying to lose weight if you are. Most medics aren't trying to judge you, they are just trying to find the root of your problem, so they can treat it.
I understand that... but I am happy with my body. Especially how far I've come in the past few months. Am I where I want to be? No. But I'm not pretending anything.
I understand that... but I am happy with my body. Especially how far I've come in the past few months. Am I where I want to be? No. But I'm not pretending anything.
I'm genuinely delighted to hear that, so many women waste their lives hating themselves.
The other thing that I'd like to say to you is that therapy isn't always easy or pleasant, it's not like chatting with an understanding friend. A good therapist will challenge the parts of our belief systems that are damaging to us and that never feels good, it's like having the world turned upside down. I was in therapy for a long time and I came out of my weekly appointment hating my therapist or thinking that she was stupid and didn't understand anything as often as I came out thinking she was great and feeling on top of the world. The aim isn't to give you a cosy space where you feel good for an hour a week, it's to make you a generally happier, better functioning person and it's easily as difficult and unpleasant as dieting or getting fit but it's the end result that matters.
I admire you for seeking help and I hope that you're able to find what you need, whatever that might be.
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I've had two separate short term rounds of therapy. Both were with female MSW's and it worked out swimmingly. At neither point in either therapy did my weight ever come up.
In the first session the counselor asked me and I decided on the issue/s that we would be working on initially knowing that if something else came up, we could address it in due course.
The OP came in for grief counseling. Very likely other matters would have come up in the course of other sessions but it is not the counselor's job to suggest what those are and most egregiously not suggest them in the first session over the patient's objection. A counselor's job is to guide the patient through the process so that they can see areas of their life that need work when they are ready to see them.
In my first round of counseling I was addressing issues specific to the relationship with my father which was both absent and conversely physically abusive as the most dominant interaction with me and a brother specifically. When the counselor asked about how my mother fit into all of that I drew a blank, like a sudden fog bank rolled over my mind. Being bright and good at what she did, she let it go because I wasn't ready to deal with that yet.
That was 20 years ago and I remember that blankness like it was yesterday. The awareness that it was there let me over the years slowly dismantle the defenses I had built and allowed me to be able to deal with it when I was ready to do so.
My point being no matter what might be obvious to a therapist what a problem might be, whether a medical doctor or not, it is not necessarily the place in a human psyche to poke, prod and insist upon especially against the objection or denial of a patient and most especially in the very first session. This man violated the OP's trust in his professionalism and she feels it properly.
I'd also suggest like the others to go to a "lower rung" counselor. I come from a family of medical people and while many if not most doctors are caring and intuitive people there are more than a few with God complexes that think that they know what's best. There are also "C" students. If I ever get a feeling that I'm brighter than my doctor, I move on. I usually know immediately. Fortunately I have really good doctors.
OP you are in charge of your therapy and if at any time you feel handled, speak up or get out. With this stinker, I'd get way out.
Again best of luck to you.
Cat
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-27-2013 at 12:39 PM.
I lost both my grandparents, to whom I was very close, in the last year. I also lost my father at 20. Guarantee you that my weight was the absolute last thing on my mind, for the longest time.
That being said, Doctors tend to think linearly. He made the jump from "depression" to the "Fix" which is weight loss. Healing your body DOES help your mind. But if you feel this upset by the way he handled you, WALK. Because in the end, you need someone that can help you and speak to you in a way that works for you.
I will say that fitness, not weight loss per say, but actually getting healthier, has helped my mindset and my ability to deal with my grief and stress immeasurably. So keep up with your efforts and reap the benefits.
This reminds me of a situation I had once. I made an appointment with a Dr. that several of my female co-workers had seen to "balance their hormones." I was in my early 40s, and feeling moody, etc. and they suggested that I have my hormones "checked." (turned out to be hypothyroid...)
Anyway, I went in to the appointment, and told him my symptoms, mild depression, lethargy, moodiness, etc. And, he immediately recommended weight loss surgery. I was floored. Unlike the OP, I DID cry. I boo hood, and he got me a tissue, and told me that if I was his daughter, he'd want me to consider the surgery. Ugh!
I was so shocked. I hadn't even mentioned my weight, or gone to see him in that context. I think I cried all day --- and I didn't go back. My coworkers asked me about my appointment the next day, and I wouldn't elaborate.
Funny thing, his PA called the next day and wanted to speak to me about my experience, and I wouldn't talk to her. I think one of my coworkers called the office to find out what happened.... I'd never recommend that Dr. to anyone. And, I lost weight when I was READY, and I didn't need surgery to do so.
From your description, it doesn't sound like this guy is a very good listener or very empathetic. And if he told you that losing weight would give you higher self-esteem, he was repeating a canard that is demonstrably untrue. There are plenty of always thin and formerly fat people who have low self-esteem, and plenty of fat people who have high self-esteem. I agree with all the others who have recommended that you bring his irrelevant and insensitive comments to his attention and/or find a new shrink. Good shrinks might not leave their patients feeling happy at the end of sessions, but they do listen to their patients and refrain from giving thoughtless and irrelevant advice. Good luck!
What an idiot the Dr is.
And why did he ASSUME you're only depressed because of your weight?
Didn't he think,maybe you're depressed because of stress and sadness and that's what's causing the weight?
I'm not even a Dr but I do know 4 me,taking care of the ROOT of my problems (depression/anxiety)has helped me lose weight.
Anyway,glad you're gonna see another Dr,and good luck
I've had a similar experience as well. A few years ago I suffered from clinical depression and, b/c I was only 19, relied on my parents for a solution. I ended up starting with a regular physician for a prescription antidepressant. She was foreign, so this may have been the reason for the disconnect, but her first and only solution was that I lose weight, b/c that had to be the main reason for my depression. I wish more than anything I could go back to that moment and stand up for myself. Sorry, being overweight isn't the root of all evil. Luckily, I began seeing a psychologist who was very understanding and helpful (and didn't even hint at my weight being a problem!).
The man is an idiot. You're supposed to leave a doctor's office feeling better, not worse.
If I have to deal with any sort of doctor, I will bring up my weight before they do, and tell them straight out that I'm doing the best I can for my physical health in that regard. Weight is such a sensitive issue, I wish it weren't.
Some people shouldn't have a license! Rude, stupid and, worst of all, have no idea what they are talking about! And they are supposed to be the professionals.
Please don't believe the are all like that. I am sure someone can help you. You just have to find the right person. My therapist is amazing, she rocks, and I have dealt with a lot thanks to her.
Please don't let one person prevent you from getting the help you need. I would suggest a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist, unless you want meds.
I'm sorry you had to go through this and I am sorry for your loss too, I really hope you are doing better! Don't give up on therapy if you think it will help you for just one unprofessional person. I have had therapy in the past and have seen many MANY psychiatrists, some are truly there to help you and lift you up. Some others are just to make money and let you talk for the whole time and don't provide any feedback. Just try to find one that is not a jerk and connects with you, they are not all like that. I really hope you are doing better, big hugs!
My background is in psychology (I have a BA in behavioral psych and an MA in developmental psych).
Before I went to graduate school, when I was working in a group home for troubled teens, during a staff meeting, we were discussing the treatment plan for an overweight girl. Some staff were suggesting we put her on a diet to raise her self esteem. I pointed out that it was more likely that raising her self esteem was more likely to help her lose weight than the reverse.
My suggestion fell on deaf ears.
Psychiatrists and psychologists are subject to the same cultural biases as the rest of us. However, you have a right to find a counselor with a viewpoint that matches your own.
There's no guarantee, but a woman or an overweight counselor MIGHT be a better choice for you. Or maybe this guy can be educated (if he's your only option with your insurance or if you want to give him a second chance for some other reason).
If so, I would tell him what I told MY counselor (in graduate school, psych students had to have a peer counselor), based on my experience in the group home:
I've tried and failed at weight loss my whole life. As a result, dieting has always lowered my self-esteem, so I'm not willing to focus on that right now. I think raising my self esteem might help me lose weight, but in my experience the reverse is NOT true.
This would actually be a good "test" for the guy as a therapist. A "good" therapist would respect that. If he doesn't and still pushes for weight loss, it suggests he might be a fat-bigot or an incompetent therapist.
Likewise, if he has no practical advice on HOW to lose weight or suggests extreme and unhealthy measures, this would also be a good way to size him up as a counselor.
For myself, setting and MEETING healthy behavioral goals has strengthened my self esteem, but they have to be goals I'm fully in charge of. Weight loss is, at best an an indirect behavior. And personally, I don't consider it a behavior at all. It's a result.
We can control behavior to a greater degree than we can control the results of behavior, so it makes more sense to focus on the behavior not the result.
I think you'd be better off with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It's possible this guy is, and just had a bad day (even great therapists can give lousy advice/support occasionally).
Remember that you aren't hiring a friend or a guru. Yes, you're seeking help from a professional, but you are also purchasing a service,, and if the counselor's world view and values aren't compatible with your own, you won't get what you're paying for. Interview potential therapists and physicians as you would for any professional service from landscaper to nanny.
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I have to pipe in here.
This is so not a typical appointment. I would go find a new therapist for sure.
I am a huge fan of counseling (I've been in and out for years at different times for different needs) and I hate when I hear stories about doctors like that.
I hope you have better luck with another ACTUAL professional.
It just frustrates me that a professional won't treat someone as a human first.... it took me a while to find a family doctor who would listen to me and not just blame all my problems on my weight.
I wish you well.
Last edited by time4me2change; 10-01-2013 at 06:29 AM.
