[GlamourGirl827]

We've talked about sabotagers, but do you have anyone is your life that you strongly supect is rooting for you to fail? Someone that you believe gets a little joyful inside when you dont lose or if you gain anything back..or is a little disappointed if you've (noticably) lost weight?

I mentioned this on another thread. I have a cousin that I strongly believe does not like to see me successful at weightloss. I of course cant be 100% sure, but many years of silent competition, with me always being the "thinner" one even when I'm not thin, I think has left her feeling insecure and frustrated with me.

Only she had a baby a year ago, where as I just had one. So she has been working on losing weight for about a year (or less, she may not have started right away). I have been working on it for about a month.

I *think* that I am bigger that her right now, which would be a first ever in our lives. Hubby assures me that despite being back at my biggest weight and post pregnancy, that I am not bigger than her, but I dont know, I think he's being kind...

Anyway, I sense this unspoken "HA HA" from her when we have seen each other recently, since again, after years of her being bigger, she is now smaller. (Not by much. I'm a size 18, and I think she's about a 16, so its not a huge difference)

I know I will not stay this big, this is not my non pregnant set point, 160lbs is....but I still feel a pressure to get the weight off, simply because I feel she is rooting for me to fail. I feel that she secretly hopes this will be the time I dont lose, that my new set point, my new comfort weight will be 200+ and even more so that I will never ever get back to my awesome body I had prebaby because of running where I weighed 145lbs.

Anyone else experience this?

[happybug]

While I'm sure my husband doesn't want me to fail, his refusal to acknowledge my weight loss makes me a bit mad. He could do to lose 20kg.

[AngieRR1022]

I have the same problem, happybug. My husband absolutely refuses to recognize my hard work. The only time he comments on it is to complain about the lack of junk food in the kitchen. Extremely frustrating!!!

[MauiKai]

My MIL is a little happy if I gain weight. It's sad. And mean.

[shcirerf]

My mother is the worst. She's been heavy all her life, and is now paying the price, yet she is always bashing me and my sisters about our eating, weight and workouts.

I think, does she really want us to be what she is? Drives me crazy.

I finally, after another snarky remark, called her bluff on this at Easter dinner. Since then, she has not said a word.

Your cousin does not pay your bills, clean your house, care for your family, so her opinion or mood of the day, or sarcasm, is a moot point.

Do what makes you healthy and happy!

There is no reason you need to compete with her, just do your thing!

[Desiderata]

I don't think so -- but I've essentially cut off extended family that would exhibit that kind of behavior. I live far away and just don't stay much in touch (as opposed to an active "cutting out," my way's a little more passive aggressive. ) I have a cousin that would probably behave similarly to yours, GG. And for her, that'd just be one small subset of a whole bunch of personality issues that I decided I don't need to make space in my life for. This is much, much easier when you don't live close -- I recognize it's a luxury, and I'm grateful for getting to be choosy about contact.

When I did used to see her (and others) more often, I found some peace in emotionally distancing myself from whatever poisonous comparison games they wanted to play. If I'm being honest, I was being inwardly smug, a bit, and still judging them back -- but in a bemused way, realizing that they were so latched onto their perception of the immediate moment that they couldn't see the bigger picture. And rather than jump into that fray with them, I just kind of stood back and took stock of the joy they were getting out of the comparison game -- and instead, just kept going on my merry way.

I'm extra rambly tonight, hope that makes sense.

[kaplods]

When I think I know what other people are thinking, I remind myself that the thoughts I'm putting in their imaginary heads are really coming from my own. I can choose to believe the best of people or the worst. I try to choose the best, and usually succeed.

I do believe some people in my life are occasionally jealous and relieved when I fail, but only because I occasionally have those feelings myself about them. I imagine (or at least hope) they do the same thing I do with those feelings - regret them and brush them aside as quickly as possible.

Almost everyone I've ever wished to fail, I've also wished to succeed - sometimes I even wish both at the same time.

My younger sister recently became engaged. Part of me wants to be thinner than her for the wedding. When I had the thought, I was surprised at myself. I'm also wanting all three of us to feel and look awesome and not think about weight at all.

People are complicated and can have conflicted desires and emotions. We can wish for someone's success and failure at the same time. We can want all sorts of things we wish we didn't want.

I choose to stay out of the thought-guessing game as much as I can, because otherwise I start treating people according to what I think they think and my chances of being wrong increase. I also start to spend way too much time thinking about what others think and my imagination puts far worse thoughts in their imaginary heads than they're likely really thinking.

It's far easier to assume they don't give me much thought at all, which is probably closest to the truth more often than not.

[vintagecat]

I don't think so but I do know if you leave fat or eating friends "behind" it does create some negative feelings. I just don't tell anyone what I'm doing in regards to eating. I get bored with "diet" talk anyway so I don't do it other than on this site.

[dcapulet]

Originally Posted by MauiKai

My MIL is a little happy if I gain weight. It's sad. And mean.

My mom. Although I have about 50lbs to go, she keeps urging me not to get "too skinny". She's struggled with weight all her life and is unhappy when I have any kind of success.

[doingmybest]

My MIL loves to put me down about my weight.

When I have lost weight in the past, she panics and shoves food at me.

I don't see her any more. I don't have time for people like that.

[TooWicky]

I have a couple of friends who are also larger ladies trying to lose weight (unsuccessfully so far,) and they look physically pained when they run into me : / Jealousy is a strong word and I'm not sure I'd use it. Of the three of us, I certainly have the least complicated life and the most free time to concentrate on a healthier me. They both have lives where they are pulled in many directions at once, as well as having a lot of responsibility with their respective jobs. It's always a touch awkward, but I make no mention of my weight loss pursuit and they certainly never ever comment on my changing form. It's like we have an unspoken agreement to just ignore the situation. I would not say they outright want me to fail, but I'm sure they would like to be succeeding, if you know what I mean. I've been there and it's hard I count these ladies among my friends and don't want them to feel uncomfortable about this (they have enough life stress,) so I just try to go with the flow and follow their lead. A few times a 3rd party has walked up and exclaimed about my weight loss in front of them at different times, and they look positively stricken. I hope this stage passes : /

[CanadianMomma]

Originally Posted by kaplods

When I think I know what other people are thinking, I remind myself that the thoughts I'm putting in their imaginary heads are really coming from my own. I can choose to believe the best of people or the worst. I try to choose the best, and usually succeed.

I do believe some people in my life are occasionally jealous and relieved when I fail, but only because I occasionally have those feelings myself about them. I imagine (or at least hope) they do the same thing I do with those feelings - regret them and brush them aside as quickly as possible.

Almost everyone I've ever wished to fail, I've also wished to succeed - sometimes I even wish both at the same time.

My younger sister recently became engaged. Part of me wants to be thinner than her for the wedding. When I had the thought, I was surprised at myself. I'm also wanting all three of us to feel and look awesome and not think about weight at all.

People are complicated and can have conflicted desires and emotions. We can wish for someone's success and failure at the same time. We can want all sorts of things we wish we didn't want.

I choose to stay out of the thought-guessing game as much as I can, because otherwise I start treating people according to what I think they think and my chances of being wrong increase. I also start to spend way too much time thinking about what others think and my imagination puts far worse thoughts in their imaginary heads than they're likely really thinking.

It's far easier to assume they don't give me much thought at all, which is probably closest to the truth more often than not.

kaplods someone should make a compilation of quotes from you and put them together as an article about great advice for weight loss and life.

My sister was always smaller then me and she put on a lot of weight in the last few years, where I have lost weight. I'm now smaller. I've tried to engage her in weight loss (when she's shown interest). But she hates talking to me about it and I think it's because I've had success where she feels she hasn't.

I was her maid of honour in her wedding this past August. I was 9 months pregnant. While I was thrilled to be smaller than my previous self (and her) I still wanted her to feel beautiful and not feel like she was defined by her weight gain.

I was going to initially say I think she'd rather see me fail then continue to succeed.

Now that I think about it with kaplods words in mind I know that she loves me as her sister and probably has conflicting feelings of the situation, just like I am capable of having.

kaplods thanks for continuing to give such perceptive advice and comments.

[ILoveVegetables]

A couple of my friends are like that. What annoys me so much is that they are slim and pretty (and have been all their life), but they don't want me to lose any weight because they 'like me the way I am'. I know it sounds sweet and all, but they just laugh if I ever mention that I may lose weight and say 'yeah, right'. I feel really unsupported by them, which had led me to hide my whole weight loss effort from everyone except my immediate family, who is thankfully very supportive.

[Palestrina]

Just because someone feels they're in competition with you doesn't mean you're automatically competing. The way people feel about you really has nothing to do with you at all. People generate their own feelings towards someone and you don't have to engage with that. I have friends who are competitive by nature but I try not to let them pull me in. I let them "win."

You've let this girl drag you into the competition, you seem to be in it just as much as she is or maybe even more since you're talking about numbers and pounds and sizes in such great detail. Even if you do manage to get significantly smaller than her, what do you win that you wouldn't otherwise have won without being in competition with her?

I don't think that someone wanting you to fail has anything to do with you at all, or me or anyone. They generate those feelings out of their own insecurity. What they really want is to be happy and that's it and sometimes people can't see that they can generate their own happiness within themselves without someone else failing.

[GlamourGirl827]

thank you all for your replies. It is true that I dont know what she is thinking, I can only go by actions and words. I do suspect it was not originally in her nature to be so competitive. I think more of it comes from her mom (my aunt) she does compare us. This is not just weight, but life and such.
Through highschool, all though I was always a good kid and good in school, my outward appearance was (and still is) relaxed and undone. My hair is usually in a sloppy ponytail, my clothes are t-shirts and jeans and baggy, w/ no make up. I speak my mind and I'm opinionated..while her daughter, my cousin has always been perfectly put together and prim and proper. My aunt has commented over the years, and back in those days, always felt her daughter was "better", that a scrub like me would end up a "loser" and stay poor (I grew up very poor, on welfare etc) and her daughter would go off and marry a rich, educated man, get a good education herself and live happliy ever after.

Well, As we went through our 20s, I became the educated one, while my cousin dropped out of college 3 times, and hasnt gone back. I married the wonderful, educated man that holds a respectable job and that my family adores. I have the happy marriage (though not perfect, but we are happy together, would be nicer if he cleaned more! lol) I have the big house and blah blah. And my cousin is currently divorcing her abusive husband, she will be the "poor" one, not that I care, it was never a competition for me, it was like my aunt made it that way for her.

Everytime I've reached a life milestone, she will do the same shortly after even if her life is not set up for it (i.e having a baby, moving to a new place that she is getting evicted from because the rent was too high) Even DH sees it. I feel bad because I don't want to be in competition with her.

The weight is one part of the whole picture. But I think that she's not mean spirited, but that its the one area of her life that for now she feels like she's "winning" in and again I think her mom really set up that whole mind set for her. Whether its more about her or not, I dont like the idea of her or her mom thinking she is "winning" especially when its because I just had a baby. I posted it here awhile back, but she asked me to do a 5 K with her while I was 6 months pregnant...my running times have always been faster, but of course while pregnant she would likely win. SHe only got into runnin when I did, but I felt like it was such a low blow that that she would only ask to race me while I'm pregnant..like that's how desperate she was to feel better at something. It should not annoy me, I should really pity her, but it did irritate me though.

Non the less I don't like being this big, but I'm getting stressed pressing to lose so fast while taking care of a new baby, and two other kids (my older is special needs, he's actually more of a handful than the baby at times).