Best way to deal with weighing more than significant other?
Okay this is kind of an odd question, and hopefully I'm asking it in the right area but...how do you deal with your significant other when you're overweight? I'm in the process of losing weight but I weigh MUCH more than he does and I'm really bothered by it. We've been good friends since we were young and started dating a few years back...so he knows everything. My normal look, my injury that kept me on the couch, and my current self of course. I suppose that's good because I know this won't be a bother to him or he'd say something. But as anyone can imagine, it is to me. How can I have confidence when there is such a difference? From just being seen in public together to...well even worse, when we're alone together. Heaven forbid if one day we actually decide to get more intimate...I just am unsure what to do. Even when I'm at my normal weight and when I get back to it i'll be around 149. But he's a really skinny guy (like 130 and a few inches taller) but even then I'll weigh more. I know its won't be so noticeable then and these things don't really matter to me but...its just hard cause the guy should be bigger. Any suggestions? Anything to boost my confidence now or later will help.
I know it's easier said than done, but own it. There are no rules when it comes to who should be bigger or smaller, just some outdated ideals that have little to do with reality. You're right when you say it doesn't really matter!
I had a fun little bet going with my husband that I could buy a favorite pair of boots once I finally weighed less than him, and I had trouble catching up because he started losing too! I never took it too seriously though, and he certainly didn't care when my weight finally broke even with his before going back up again (being pregnant).
Trust me when I say that you notice this kind of thing far more than anyone else does, especially your significant other. In general we're far more critical of of ourselves than most others, so keep that in mind.
My husband is the first guy I dated seriously who weighed more than me, barely. Since he's 8" taller than me at 6'2", he has fewer pound to lose so in that since he's still smaller than I am.
For as long as I can remember, my mother has outweighed my dad (by a lot), so I didn't grow up thinking there was anything wrong with the guy being thinner.
I don't know if this'll help, but I'm guessing your guy isn't blind. He knows what you look like in clothes, and unless he's a virgin who has never seen any women naked, he has a pretty good idea of what you'll look like naked.
Other people's opinions don't matter, but even so, most people aren't going to be shocked or suprised, unless they'be been living under a rock.
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
Ah, I've weighed more than my husband for the entirety of our relationship. One of my "non-scale victories" will be to weigh less than my husband who is 6 inches taller. Oy!
my mom has been significantly bigger than my dad for a very long time, and they still love each other, 25 years down the road of marriage.... my best friend is engaged to ssomeone who is smaller than she is, and they are fully in love (and she's a bit of a bigger girl, like me)... Don't worry too much about it. The best piece of advice I've ever been given is ,fake it til you make it" and that goes for confidence too, if you pretend to be confident, eventually, you'll feel confident for real after pretending for so long! Good luck! We sre all rooting for you!
Yeah I suppose you guys are right. I mean, I know once I get down to normal that will help a ton since nobody seemed to notice before. Its just that guys have also come to expect this because of the media (among other crap) that has painted the highly unrealistic depiction of women. Even in a realistic setting, so much more is expected of women than guys and most of us fall into this so it gets ridiculous. Not to mention things like going to the beach isn't fun either. We're only 19 so both of us are new in that regard...but I'm sure we've both seen the opposite gender...its just a matter of getting over it. After all, he's no Calvin Klein model, so he shouldn't expect a Victoria Secret angel either.
Location: Anchorage AK in the summer, Lawrence KS and travel in the winter
Posts: 222
S/C/G: High 285+ 256/ticker/160ish
Height: 5'6"
When we got married, there was no carrying me over the threshold, that was for sure. Something we occasionally laugh about if it comes up. Just go with it if you love each other.
I agree with you that society puts pressure on women to be a certain way that is for many if not most women unrealistic. That's why there is so much body image dysmorphia. Even young girls that look perfect to me hate their bodies or parts of themselves. It's a sad state of affairs.
Back in the day before breast augmentation was easily and readily done, there were women with big breasts that usually had correspondingly big rear ends, curvy. Women without tended to be more lean and shades between. Only the really skinny girls didn't have thighs of size. That was how it was.
Now who knows what's been manufactured or zapped/cut away? Women see all sorts of phony, fake photoshopped BS and feel that they can't compete. Well they can't. We aren't built like that by nature. It's a medical/cosmetic industry made construct. I could go on but I won't
Don't worry about it. Take care of yourself. Get healthy and leave the rest if you can.
Last edited by vintagecat; 09-09-2013 at 04:21 AM.
Since when is the guy "supposed" to be bigger? I was not aware of this "rule." I am a full 6" taller than my husband, so I guess I'm violating this policy.
I know how you feel. When a guy would hit on me that was not as big as me I'd always shut them down. I had the same exact view. Now I realize that if they show they like you, they are seeing past the physical... and that's very special. It sounds like he really loves you, seeing as he's been by your side for so long, and I'm also sure he doesn't care about how much bigger you may be in comparison. Screw what other people may think! It's all about what makes you happy- never EVER waste your time worrying about what other people think.
I know how you feel. When a guy would hit on me that was not as big as me I'd always shut them down.
This is the exact same thing as when a man refuses to acknowledge a woman because she is overweight. It bothers me that women are sad about and complain that men overlook them because of their weight, and yet women will do it to men just as often for weight or height.
This is the exact same thing as when a man refuses to acknowledge a woman because she is overweight. It bothers me that women are sad about and complain that men overlook them because of their weight, and yet women will do it to men just as often for weight or height.
It's not because of their weight that I felt that, it was because of my weight that I felt insecure and had thoughts like what KillerBee described in her post. It's not that I'd think, 'Oh he's too skinny I'd never want anything to do with him'. A lot of times it was someone I would of liked to of admitted I liked, too- just always had my mind going a million miles a minute, over thinking every detail.
I've always weighed more than my husband. It's only now that I'm getting close to tipping the scales, and that's partially because he's slowly put on about 10 lbs. I've jokingly thanked him for helping me out - it's not a secret any more that I'm eager for the day that I weigh less than him.
Even saying that jokingly a few years ago was unthinkable. I was really not comfortable with the fact that I weighed more than him and so incredibly embarrassed that I'd never, ever mention it. This is one of those areas where "fake it til you make it" seems to help. That + time + having a happy, secure relationship, eventually helped me to get to where I can even talk openly about it in front of my in-laws. Edit - just to be clear, while weighing less is still a goal of mine, I don't really see it as something that really matters - it's more an abstract marker at this point. And I think the mental shift here has actually helped make my weight change possible.
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. They don't have to "match up right" with the other, so long as all the stuff that matters (personality, values) is a match. Don't try to guess what other people think. Focus on you and yours, instead.
Last edited by Desiderata; 09-09-2013 at 09:54 AM.
I have always been heavier than all my partners until this year, and let me tell you, they don't even care. They met me heavy, and knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. I will not say all men don't care, but if they liked you when you were chubs they'll like you now too.
I totally hear you and it is something I work on. I tend to like to feel like the guy I am with is bigger than me in some way, shape or form. I joke with my friends that there is a height/thickness curve men must be above. If the guy is like my height, they have to be muscular and/or a bit stocky/chubby. A guy can only be super skinny if they are much taller than me. Now .. this is my "idea" man in a superficial way - in reality, I'd date anyone that was awesome.
But I do struggle with this issue - and I do want ot feel like the guy is "bigger" in some way/shape/or form - and I guess on a superficial level I am most comfortable with them weighing less than me if they are much taller (I know that seems weird). But the reality is, it doesn't matter - and the last guy I was in love with didn't meet any of that criteria and I still loved him and he still loved me. And the sex was great - even though I weighed a LOT more than he did .... so don't sweat it!
Best way to deal with weighing more than significant other?
There are no rules when it comes to who should be bigger or smaller, just some outdated ideals that have little to do with reality. You're right when you say it doesn't really matter!
I never took it too seriously though, and he certainly didn't care when my weight finally broke even with his before going back up again (being pregnant). 
In general we're far more critical of of ourselves than most others, so keep that in mind. 
