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Working on self-esteem

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Old 08-08-2013, 10:56 PM   #1
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Default Working on self-esteem

Over the past year and a half I've been really working on my self-esteem issues - mainly having to do with how I feel about my body. I think I've come a long, long, way and have made really great progress. Still not done, but am proud of myself for the changes I've made.

I'm realizing there's another area that I need to work on, and I'm not even sure what to call it. It has to do with what I think I deserve, or how I deserve to be treated. And so far, I think it comes up in regards to how I interact with guys.... (I really hate making my self-esteem about guys, but so far these are the examples I've found).

For example, when the last guy I dated broke things off with me, my friends/family just kept saying "You deserve better!"... but all I felt was that eh, I wanted him. I told myself the "you deserve better" mantra, but honestly, I don't really think I felt it much.

Here's a really specific example: There's this trainer guy at my gym, he's young, very fit, has a nice, nice body, lots of beautiful girls around him at the gym....and he wanted to date me last fall. But things just never worked out for us to go on a date and we decided to drop it. No heartbreak there. And of course I see him often at the gym.

Well about a month ago, he started drunk texting me on Saturday nights.... and long story short he became rather forward with asking me to hook up with him. He's 29, I'm 37, and I'm not really looking to "hook up" (which btw is a phrase I haven't even used since *I* was in my 20s!) ...especially not with a guy I have to see on a regular basis at my gym. I nicely turned him down.

For about a week after that, I sort of had a big ego boost about the situation. That with all the hot little girls this guy trains, he was chasing after me.... that this guy with the beautiful body would be interested in someone like me... that this YOUNG guy would be physically interested in me... This all made me feel sort of special.

Then, recently I started wondering why this made me feel special. This guy wasn't asking me out on a date, he just wanted to get laid. Who knows how many girls he was drunkenly texting those nights. And really, a guy who just wants to get laid will probably sleep with most any girl.... so that really wasn't a commentary on how attractive he does or does not find me.... I'm a girl, and apparently he thought I would go for his "hook up" suggestion, those were probably his only 2 prerequisites. Why would this make me feel special? In fact, maybe I should find this a bit offensive?

It goes back to that "you deserve better" statement. I don't want to feel "special" just because a guy wants to sleep with me - not even date me, just drunkenly hook up with me. This is an "I deserve better" moment, right? (Unless of course I just wanted casual sex myself, then I guess that would be a win/win situation).

Is anyone else working through self-esteem issues like this? I'm curious to hear how you really got behind a solid "I deserve better" belief about your life.
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Old 08-08-2013, 11:07 PM   #2
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I'm coming from the same sort of situation. My whole life, I've been struggling with my weight. Granted, I'm not huge, but I just don't feel comfortable. I sometimes start really great with weight loss, and have gotten myself down to 145, which is great considering my goal. But honestly, I think I sort of use the extra fat as a shield. I can tell myself that people are treating me like dirt only because I'm fat, and then I don't have to confront my own actual issues. If I have this reason for them to hate me, then it's okay. It's fine if my boyfriend acts like I'm lucky he's there, because if I'm fat, then I guess I am likely he'd bother to see me. I have this idea in my head that once I lose weight, people will start to treat me like I'm worth something. But honestly, I'm terrified that maybe I'll reach my goal and nothing will change, so I keep myself from reaching it. Does that make any sense?
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Old 08-08-2013, 11:53 PM   #3
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I had guys who,when we started dating, claimed that they wanted a relationship, the same things I did. Then after a while, I find out, nope, they were just after fun.

I told myself it's cause I wasn't hot enough/110lbs and thats why they didnt continue into a relationship with me...so you know what, at the end of the day, it does come down to how you see yourself.

We all love attention from the opposite sex, that those we find attractive find us attractive back.

The scenario you described, I can see two ways of looking at it...

1) confident woman: wow, this attractive guy could of had his pick of hot woman to chase but he finds me physically attractive that he needed to reach out to me - I wonder if he does this to women he finds attractive on a regular basis.(which btw, could be all he want/can handle in his life right now)

2) not confident woman: why did he not ask me out on a proper date? Why is he only wanting sex from me? Is it cause I'm not at my goal weight? Would he have acted in the same manner if I was skinnier/taller/hotter/better.....

I've been mostly leaning towards the second version myself when something doesn't work out with a guy I like...but then again, if the guy only treats me properly when I look perfect, that kind of superficial guy is scary and not the kind of guy I would want long term in my life anyway...

But when I'm right in it, I can't see that... I'm a work in progress
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Old 08-09-2013, 12:01 PM   #4
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One thing you can ask yourself, when you question how people are treating you, is this the way I would treat someone I respected?
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