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My relationship may be at stake. Please help me!

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Old 08-07-2013, 11:12 AM   #1
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Exclamation My relationship may be at stake. Please help me!

After a long talk with my SO, we discussed the possibility that he may not be attracted to me, but that he loves me. That killed me to hear. Absolutely killed me. I know I need to lose weight. I have a fire under my *** right now, but I'm afraid even the possibility of losing him might not be enough to make me get my *** moving. I'm very depressed and trying out my first antidepressant, so even getting up on time is a pain in the butt for me, but I love him and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including getting up for an early-morning work out.

I need help, though. I'm rubbish at making plans and sticking to them. I have unrealistic expectations. I go too hard, injure myself, and then lose motivation and stop. He may love me, but physical attraction is a big part of a relationship and how I am now just isn't going to work. Plus, I seriously need to lose weight for my own health.

I've made a million posts like this a million different times, but I NEED to do it this time. Please help me come up with a plan? I just need a push in the right direction...I'm too anxious and scatterbrained and used to losing weight unhealthily. I need someone to hold my hand but also kick me in the ***. I need a map. Please. I don't want to lose him.

I'm 23 years old, 4'9'', 175lb. I need to lose 40-50lb.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:35 AM   #2
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I am so sorry you are going through this but I have to say if you lose weight for him you are setting yourself up to fail. What happens if the weight is just an excuse for him? What if there is another underlying reason he's not sharing with you so you kill yourself to get thin and that underlying issue is still there and he still leaves?? You need to think about that. What I would advise is find it in yourself to lose the weight for YOU, you'll feel better, you'll have more energy, you'll be happier but you and him should consider some counseling just to get to the bottom of the real issues so those can be addressed during your weightloss journey as well and you both end up at a good place in the end

As far as diet go, you need to find something that works for your lifestyle and food preferences etc. For some that is calorie counting, some need more accountability and try weight watchers or a weight loss clinic that gives you a personal coach. So definitely research all the plans out there and see what will fit into your life that you can sustain because even the biggest baddest diets out there won't work if you can't stick to them so find the one you can stick to, if it's quick weightloss, great! if its slow, that is ok too, as long as you are going in the right direction its a success
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:37 AM   #3
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Baby steps. The all-or-nothing never works; it's just a set-up for failure. You know that. You're young and don't have the life experience to know how resilient and strong you really are. All. On. Your. Own. Two. Feet.

So, the baby steps. First, write down everything you eat for a week. EVERYTHING. Then you'll know what you're eating and how much.

And if you're not exercising, find something physical you like to do. If you're already exercising, great! What are you doing and how long have you been doing it?

I'm not going to address anything with regards to your relationship with your SO. Been there, however. And I'm divorced. And I'm FREE! And happy!
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:40 AM   #4
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If you are having a problem in emotional health and don't feel emotionally safe, what makes you think a physical health solution (weight loss in the body) will solve it? This requires a heart solution, not a body one.

You are basically writing this:


After a long talk with my SO, we discussed the possibility that he may not be attracted to me, but that he loves me. That killed me to hear. I'm afraid even the possibility of losing him. I am anxious and scatterbrained.


You are fearful, hon. What's the FEAR about really? Could dig down in there.

"When my SO said he may not be attracted to me I felt afraid to lose him because then
  • I could be ________.
  • I could not be ________.


If you also want to get more fit on the side, that's fine. But you could be at your most athletic and fit and still fearful. Sooner or later have to deal with the emotional health layer. So could spend some time solving the emotional layer stuff FIRST. That could be more productive. Then you can do your fitness project in a calmer frame of mind.
  • Is it that you fear being alone?
  • Fear never finding another partner?
  • Fear a pending break up scene?
  • Fear something else?

What is it you need to be able to let go of the fear? Reassurance? Something else?

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Old 08-07-2013, 11:42 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by spryng View Post
I am so sorry you are going through this but I have to say if you lose weight for him you are setting yourself up to fail. What happens if the weight is just an excuse for him? What if there is another underlying reason he's not sharing with you so you kill yourself to get thin and that underlying issue is still there and he still leaves?? You need to think about that. What I would advise is find it in yourself to lose the weight for YOU, you'll feel better, you'll have more energy, you'll be happier but you and him should consider some counseling just to get to the bottom of the real issues so those can be addressed during your weightloss journey as well and you both end up at a good place in the end

As far as diet go, you need to find something that works for your lifestyle and food preferences etc. For some that is calorie counting, some need more accountability and try weight watchers or a weight loss clinic that gives you a personal coach. So definitely research all the plans out there and see what will fit into your life that you can sustain because even the biggest baddest diets out there won't work if you can't stick to them so find the one you can stick to, if it's quick weightloss, great! if its slow, that is ok too, as long as you are going in the right direction its a success
I appreciate what you said up above, but we know what the problem is. We're actually having trouble having sex because of my weight, and we think maybe he isn't losing attraction, but interest. We've tried many times but never managed to get it just right, as there is a weight and height difference.

There is a small possibility that losing weight won't help our situation, but it needs to get done, regardless. I love him and I believe he loves me. Besides the sex problem, we're great together. So I honestly believe losing some will help, if only a little.

On to the last part...

Any suggestions? Weight watchers makes 0 sense to me! I've tried calorie counting with success in the past before, but it just seems so HARD to eat 1400-1500 calories a day, you know? I was also considering some sort of meal replacement shake. Thoughts?
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:47 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by geoblewis View Post
Baby steps. The all-or-nothing never works; it's just a set-up for failure. You know that. You're young and don't have the life experience to know how resilient and strong you really are. All. On. Your. Own. Two. Feet.

So, the baby steps. First, write down everything you eat for a week. EVERYTHING. Then you'll know what you're eating and how much.

And if you're not exercising, find something physical you like to do. If you're already exercising, great! What are you doing and how long have you been doing it?

I'm not going to address anything with regards to your relationship with your SO. Been there, however. And I'm divorced. And I'm FREE! And happy!
Honestly, I don't eat much...anymore. I'm a known binger. I have bad self control. While I don't eat a lot since we moved (we don't HAVE a lot for me TO eat), I do have a bad habit of running up to the store for a soda, or a candy bar (or two...or three...) while he's at work. I actually have a kitkat in the freezer at home waiting for me. It's going in the trash. I'm going to start buying real food and cooking REAL food instead of Hamburger Helper. I've gotten off all junk food and soda before, so I know I can do it again.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:48 AM   #7
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For me I've gone through the gaunlet of diets over the last 15 years, if there is a name to it, I've done it lol I'm doing the IE (intuitive eating) plan now as I'm trying to get away from all those diets and the diet mentality that goes along with them and retrain my body to think like a thin healthy person it's working for me and I'm almost to goal. But before that I lost a ton of weight on very low calorie diets, I'd diet strict mon-fri then take the weekends off so it averaged 1-2 lbs a week but that fit into my lifestyle as I naturally like to induldge in more food on the weekends. So maybe disect how you like to eat and find a plan that will compliment that because like I said all those strict diets work but if you can't sustain them then it's useless for you, gotta find something you can stick with
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:50 AM   #8
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People come in many shapes. They have various skills too. Lovemaking is a skill. There's many sex positions -- have you tried expanding that? Or are you just limiting yourselves to missionary?

It's an older book and quite cheap used with simple line drawings if you need ideas to pique interest.

Tao of Sex.

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Old 08-07-2013, 11:52 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by mymagicnumber View Post
Honestly, I don't eat much...anymore. I'm a known binger. I have bad self control. While I don't eat a lot since we moved (we don't HAVE a lot for me TO eat), I do have a bad habit of running up to the store for a soda, or a candy bar (or two...or three...) while he's at work. I actually have a kitkat in the freezer at home waiting for me. It's going in the trash. I'm going to start buying real food and cooking REAL food instead of Hamburger Helper. I've gotten off all junk food and soda before, so I know I can do it again.
well I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a kitkat or hamburger helper lol I lost weight while still eating those types of things, what I did was lost the weight then as I went along I tweaked what I ate to get a bit healthier, but the all-or-nothing at the beginning is too hard. Its hard enough to just get smaller portions in so my advice is to KEEP eating the kit kat and the hamburger helper, get some weight off WITH the foods you enjoy then as you get thinner I think something changes in us, we start not only want to be thin but also to treat our bodies better so we start wanting to get some exercise in, we start wanting to get in some healthier food, but that will come, don't think you have to go home and clean out your pantry and kitchen, work with what you have on the budget you have, like I said, I did low calorie but I still had my snicker bars and my cake and my rice a roni lol Baby steps like someone said above, don't think you have to do the All or Nothing approach, tweak as you go along
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:53 AM   #10
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@astrophe (Sorry it won't let me quote you)


We're BOTH fearful, because we have a near-perfect relationship. We don't fight, we get along, enjoy our time together, it's just the inability to have sex that is ruining things for us. I'm fearful because I click so well with this man, I've never had feelings like this before. He gets me on a level no one else does. He understands me, he appreciates me, he supports me and pushes me to better myself. I don't want to throw all that and nearly a year together away because of bad sex and attraction issues. I truly believe the tears and the fears he shared with me last night are real and not a cop out. He begged me not to leave him. I want to make this work.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:57 AM   #11
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@astrophe

We did the other night, and found something that DOES work for us. His legs cramp up, but it WORKED. The thing was, every time we tried, we tried the same ways. Which never worked. So he lost interest, because every time we couldn't, it just killed the mood for him. I was open to trying new things, but he just didn't seem to want to try anymore. But last night worked out pretty well. We BOTH enjoyed it, instead of things being one sided. So we both feel a little better. But the bottom line is with the way we are, the both of us, sex would probably be a lot easier if I lost some weight. And he was not/is not physically satisfied. It may not be an actual attraction issue at all, just not being physically satisfied.

But thanks for the link! I don't think I've seen that one yet.
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:58 AM   #12
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If the problem is sex, what's the problem exactly? Not enough lube? Not enough friction? What is the goal? The expectations?

I'm glad you are mixing it up position wise.

What does this mean?

Quote:
And he was not/is not physically satisfied. It may not be an actual attraction issue at all, just not being physically satisfied.
That he wants to orgasm each time? Or get YOU to orgasm? If so, what's that all about? Performance anxiety of some kind? Sharing sex is sharing sex. Orgasm is fun, and a nice thing, but one can enjoy and share sex without orgasm as a goal.

Again, if you want to lose weight and get fitter as a side project, that is fine. Certainly the physicality of sex sometimes requires some endurance and agility/flexibility.

But to me it sounds like your MAIN problem is lovemaking skills and emotional management -- dealing with the feelings surrounding sex. (frustrated, disappointment, lack of interest, etc)

You two are only being a year into the relationship. That's still learning each other, hon. So... could LEARN.

Quote:
The thing was, every time we tried, we tried the same ways. Which never worked. So he lost interest, because every time we couldn't (penetrate? orgasm? what? ), it just killed the mood for him. I was open to trying new things, but he just didn't seem to want to try anymore.
You know you can share sex and then if he really wants to orgasm he could finish off masturbating to orgasm, right? So could you.

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Old 08-07-2013, 12:22 PM   #13
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Ok, aside from the sex difficulty, I've been there done that. I am 5'1" and it is tougher to lose and maintain for us shorties.

But here is the big point: if you are trying to lose for someone else, the anger is motivational very briefly but quickly turns to resentment.

When we are younger we want instant results, and when we don't lose as quickly as we like we get angry that it is not working as we planned and likely will direct that anger at the person who is "making" us do this.

I went many, many years angry and frustrated about my weight until I realized that the main part of my diet has to be chicken, fish, lean meat, tons of veggies and some fruit. At a young age you can get any with an occasional
treat, but it has to be planned

You have to figure out what works for you personally. You will live with you for the rest of your life. What someone else who doesn't live in your body thinks really doesn't matter because how our bodies operate in unique to each of us.

If the shoe was on the other foot would you say to your partner that you loved him but were not attracted to him? That is not helpful at all.

Time is on your side, work out a plan that works for you personally. The biggest thing is to up your protein and lower your empty carbs.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:23 PM   #14
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If the problem is sex, what's the problem exactly? Not enough lube? Not enough friction? What is the goal? The expectations?


I'm glad you are mixing it up position wise.

What does this mean?



That he wants to orgasm each time? Or get YOU to orgasm? If so, what's that all about? Performance anxiety of some kind? Sharing sex is sharing sex. Orgasm is fun, and a nice thing, but one can enjoy and share sex without orgasm as a goal.

Again, if you want to lose weight and get fitter as a side project, that is fine. Certainly the physicality of sex sometimes requires some endurance and agility/flexibility.

But to me it sounds like your MAIN problem is lovemaking skills and only being a year into the relationship. That's still learning each other, hon. So... could LEARN.



You know you can share sex and then if he really wants to orgasm he could finish off masturbating to orgasm, right? So could you.

A.
I feel bad for talking about this, but we both talked the other night and realized this is our first relationship, and the farthest either of us has gone sexually before. We don't have any people to ask what's normal and what isn't.

The main problem is he hasn't been able to finish. He can finish if he's masturbating himself, sitting up, with no lube. At first we thought it was the new sensation of his penis being WET and that it would pass. It didn't. Then he admitted that after about 5-10 minutes of oral, he goes numb. Vaginal he says he can't feel anything at all. I get very very wet, so that could be a possibility why. After almost a year, that's another reason we thought he may be losing attraction to me/maybe he never was attracted to me.


The other problem we have is with penetration. We could never find a position that was right. I'm too small to be on top. He's too barrel chested and my knees couldn't even reach the bed. His legs cramp up in positions where he's on top, but it looks like that's our only option for right now. The goal...I don't know. Expectations...same. Lube is fine.

We tried not making orgasm the goal in the beginning for the first few months (he did say he's NEVER been able to orgasm with a woman), but nothing got better. He would sometimes get me off, but I could never get him off. And I've been down there close to 40 minutes before. We also just moved in together and honestly with his job, he hasn't had much alone time. I think I messed with his brain a little...I was on an anti anxiety medicine that made me crazy. I saw he was looking at porn, which I have no problem with. *I* look at porn. But that medicine made me take it completely out of context. I cried and it made him feel terrible. Now he says he doesn't WANT to look at those pictures, he wants to be intimate with me, and that he only was looking because our sex life was so bad and he wasn't physically satisfied.

I feel so horrible for possibly ruining porn for him. I didn't mean to. But that medicine made me think and feel and say things...

I know men use that line of needing to orgasm a lot, but this guy deserves a freaking award. He treats me right, he shows me affection, he hasn't given me any reason to believe he's cheating or ever would. All he wants is to enjoy sex with me and orgasm once in a while.

After our talk, we decided we need to explore a bit more. I've brought up the idea of him masturbating to finish before, but I think now he may be a little more open to it, after our mini success the other night.

Last edited by mymagicnumber : 08-07-2013 at 12:56 PM.
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Old 08-07-2013, 01:15 PM   #15
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Big Big Love by Hanne Blank

Awesome book. I haven't read the revised edition, Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them).

I bought this book before I met my husband. It helped me gain the confidence to write an awesome personal and meet several men, including the man who would become my husband.

Without the book, our sex life could have been more complicated, maybe even nonexistent because we both weighed nearly 400 lbs when we met.

If we could make it work, any couple with a combined weight of less than 800 lbs probably can as well.

There are several other books (even those written hundreds of years ago) which give helpful suggestions for couples who happen to be mismatched in size.

Now, as for losing weight, you have some insight into your problem, but realize you do not have to make the same mistakes you've made in the past.

First and foremost, you do not have to have unrealistic expectations. You do not have to have any expectations whatsoever.

This is hard to learn, because we're taught to have expectations that are IMPOSSIBLE
To achieve, so of course the failure rate for weight loss isn't much better than for people trying to fly without equipment.

For me, it took taking failure off the table. I stopped tacking the failure label onto anything I did. Instead I focused on "learning opportunities." I refused to see myself as hopeless, helpless or bad.

I decided to weigh daily or even more often, but changed my focus from weight loss to "not gaining." If I did lose, "super bonus," and if I did gain, I IMMEDIATELY vowed to gain no more (and I'd weigh myself again in 5 minutes to give myself a chance to celebrate "not gaining." If I ate off plan, I'd also IMMEDIATELY weigh.

It sounds incredibly foolish, I know. It contradicts everything we've been taught about weight loss. But here's the thing - most of what we've been taught about weight loss, especially how to feel and react to weight gain - just doesn't work for most of us. As a result we have to find a new, different, revolutionary, and perhaps even sacrilegious path.

For me, the mindset I chose was to never, ever allow myself to feel bad for eating anything (even if it was bad for me) and to never, ever allow myself to fell that "not losing" was anything but "successfully not gaining." This prevented "Well, I've blown it for today, I might as well eat everything in sight and start fresh tomorrow."

I told myself, "There is no starting over, just moving on."

I also tended to use all-or-nothing logic, so I decided to diet "backwards." Instead of focusing every ounce of energy until I eventually "burned myself out" and quit when effort exceeded the value of weight loss; I decided to only make only changes that I was willing to make indefinitely even if no weight loss resulted. I chose changes that I knew had benefits aside from weight loss, so I chose changes that would mprove my health, strength, endurance, and energy - or even simply my confidence in my ability to make permanent changes.

I focused on "pampering myself" rather than trying to "punish myself thin."

Instead of seeing "diet food" as punishment, I literally didn't envision myself as owner, chef, personal trainer, recreation director and client of a prestigious health spa.

My "health spa for one" has been quite successful (and it would be even more successful, if I didn't keep forgetting to stay focused in using this visualization).

It's really, really, really hard to "rebel" against the more common and more acceptable punishment mentality. I keep falling into it's trap, but I also keep crawling out of the trap, laughing WITH myself for falling into the same traps over and over.

Keeping positive and cheerful, and having a good life while dieting is an incredible challenge, but it is so worth it. If you can make the experience enjoyable, there is NEVER a reason to quit or postpone change.

It helps to realize that maintaining even one pound of weight loss, or even "not gaining" is an achievement many, perhaps even most "dieters" never accomplish, so just "not gaining" is awesome success not dismal failure at losing.

Celebrate that mad success.

For me, one of my first spa games was wearing a pedometer clipped to my shoe (so I didn't end up throwing it in the wash with my pants) and trying to break the previous days step count, if only by a few steps.

Another was viewing grocery shopping as an adventure , an opportunity to find exotic, luxurious foods that also happened to be healthy. Fruit was an obvious early choice.

I did have some terribly disappointing experiences, but they were like stories you tell when you come back from a luxury vacation. The bad experiences - getting lost, stepping on coral, getting sunburn or sand in your butt crack - they're still exciting because you tried something you'd never done before and are memories you can enjoy forever...

... like the time I payed $8 for a single dragonfruit. The price and physical beauty of the fuchsia and green (almost, but not quite Christmas colors - at least to my mildly color-blind eyes) drove up my expectations, only to be dissapointed by the bland flavor.

It wasn't terrible, but even that was a disappointment (there'd be no horror stories to use in the future to entertain myself or others). It was juicy and sweet with a sort of "peach with kiwi seeds" texture, but there was no flavor except sweet. It was like sugar water.

$7 and I would have gotten more flavor from an underripe peach.

Well, I guess it is a pretty entertaining stort, after all! I haven't quite gotten my money's worth out of the story yet, so be prepared to see it in a few more threads on this site in the future.

You only live once, and weight management is a life-long process, so learn to enjoy it. Take the slow, scenic route if you find that less stressful than the action-packed adventure. If you like intensity and adventure of conquering intense challenges, then do that, but (to my way of thinking) if you don't enjoy most of it, you're doing it wrong.
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