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Was there are point when you started to accept you continue to "fail"?

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Old 07-28-2013, 03:23 PM   #1
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Unhappy Was there are point when you started to accept you continue to "fail"?

I am 2 days away from induction, although the way I've been feeling, I'm kind of wondering if I'll make it till then...

Anyway, I gained back to about the same weight I was at the end of each pregnancy (this is my 3rd).

I've been talking about weightloss A LOT with DH, and he nicely asked me why I am so nervous about it. I told him (and admitted to myself) that I am afraid I will fail. He asked me what I defined as "failing at weight loss" since I gained up to this weight with each baby, and successfully lost it each time. He could not understand why I think that's failing. But I'm not talking about from this weight to 160, that's not an option, I have to lose that weight. I'm talking about that last 30 lbs to goal.

Because I've basically always been about 160 lbs (before babies) and I would try to lose that last 30 pounds, and maybe get down to 150...then regain the 10 pounds. After my last baby I finally got down to 145 (which ended up still being heavier than I wanted to be), but regained.

But I look at it as though I have never been able to get to 130 lbs or even maintain like 150 - 145 lbs, and I've have plenty of time to do so, therefore I have failed. So now with the task of weightloss ahead, I know I will get back to my 160 lbs no issues, but I am afraid I will fail at getting to goal and/or maintaining it. I remember thinking through my 20s that "this was going to be the time I got down to like 130 lbs"...and it never was.

I'm not sure when that attitude became "Oh hope I don't fail again." I guess its time, I'm 32, and still fighting my weight, and to me that's just too long. I feel that if I haven't done it by now, its not going to happen. Or that I will get there and for some reason regain those 30 lbs again.

Was there a point when you felt like you failed? When you just stopped believing that you can do it?

I feel like the boy who cried wolf to myself, and I no longer believe this is the time I will get to goal (130lbs).
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Old 07-28-2013, 03:44 PM   #2
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Old 07-28-2013, 04:06 PM   #3
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Oddly enough I never perceived my regains as failures. I actually saw them as rational decisions to prioritize enjoyment of food and freedom from restriction over slimness and health. And I've always believed I have the power to lose as much weight as I want (within reason), whether I actually get there or not.

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Old 07-28-2013, 04:09 PM   #4
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Congratulations on your upcoming birth day.

I'm a lifetime yo-yo dieter so I truly understand your frustration with getting to and/or maintaining goal weight.

Take a look at my goal weight... 180. Once I get to 180 I intend to maintain that weight for some time before I drop my goal any lower.

Why not make 160 your goal weight and do the same? I don't see it as giving up. I do see it as a way to feel, and hopefully be, more successful.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:01 PM   #5
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Depending on your hormones, age, and particular body, you may NEVER get to whatever arbitrary goal you have set for yourself. On the other hand, you may be surprised and go beyond it to even lower weights. These things are less in our control than many of us would like. Success or failure has no business in this process - what is the random line between success and failure for weight? Does that change with age? Children? Stress? When do you give yourself a break and begin believing that not giving up and quitting is good enough some days?

The mindset you outlined above is destructive and self defeating. You deserve better!

For me, I am a success every day I get out of bed and consciously work at making choices that support my goals. I will never fully succeed, because when it comes to weight there is NO 'arriving'. No end date. No weight at which I somehow don't have to exert the same daily pattern of awareness and choice. This goes on until I die. So where is the fruitfulness or joy in considering myself less than successful, simply because the nature of weight maintenance means it is continually ongoing? I find that to be the very definition of madness.
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Old 07-28-2013, 05:13 PM   #6
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I think at some point when we focus so much on a particular number we are setting ourselves up for failure. Instead of focusing on a specific weight, what about a certain body fat/building muscle or just..feeling good about yourself? I struggle with a goal that seems so far off but it hasn't been this close in god knows how long. When I beat myself up about how far it is, I step away from the scale mindest and think about health! I am eating well because it makes me feel good! I am exercising because it's good for me! With those things the weight will eventually come off, I don't need to put a time limit on it.

Just love and believe in yourself! You've done it before and it sounds like you have a really supportive family. Plus us here at 3FC. You can do it!
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:18 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arctic Mama View Post
For me, I am a success every day I get out of bed and consciously work at making choices that support my goals. I will never fully succeed, because when it comes to weight there is NO 'arriving'. No end date. No weight at which I somehow don't have to exert the same daily pattern of awareness and choice. This goes on until I die. So where is the fruitfulness or joy in considering myself less than successful, simply because the nature of weight maintenance means it is continually ongoing? I find that to be the very definition of madness.
Hmm, you're absolutely right!
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Old 07-28-2013, 06:40 PM   #8
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GlamourGirl-first I have to say congratulations on being able to lose your weight after pregnancy. I've never been pregnant myself, but have seen friends and family struggle with that weight and some still carrying that weight when they're kids are in their twenties. So don't sell yourself short for what you have accomplished.

That being said, I learn from each weight loss experience, at 50 I feel blessed to have another shot at getting fit and healthy, although I do have a number goal, fitness and health are my priorities.

Best to you
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Old 07-28-2013, 07:20 PM   #9
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Thank you all. I think I will be setting small goals along the way, including 160lbs as a goal that I'm back to prebaby weight. That weight marks a point where I feel I cannot cross AND maintain, there's a lot of psychological baggage attached to that weight.

My DH expressed the same this that weight loss isn't a succeed / fail thing, that its a life long journey. I tend to fall back on very black and white thinking, and I think this is an example of it.

Weightloss, for me, is definitely as much a mental journey as physical. I would think it is for most people too.
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2007- 230 lbs to 160 lbs after baby #1 Boy
2010- 220 lbs to 145 lbs after baby #2 Boy
2013 - 215 lbs to 157 lbs after baby #3 Boy
Baby #4 - It's a Girl!

~ 5K at 26 weeks~Ran until 31 weeks~ (Stopped due to doctor's orders)
~Now cycling, walking and strength training for a healthy pregnancy and hopefully faster delivery~

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Old 07-28-2013, 08:17 PM   #10
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I also have a perfectionistic mentality but I try to avoid that type of thinking because it never gets me anywhere positive. The fact that you can lose the baby weight is already a huge accomplishment. It might not be what you strive for but it's still a whole lot. I try to change my mental talk by telling myself nice things but I definitely have my moments when it's tough to handle.
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:43 PM   #11
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definitely as much a mental journey as physical.~ Same here, I feel the same way
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Old 07-28-2013, 11:49 PM   #12
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I've been feeling a bit of that "I hope I don't fail again" mentality since I regained the 70 lbs I lost previously. I think it can be hard to forgive yourself (at least it is for me). But I feel a little more positive with each day of being on plan. I think it just takes getting started and getting back into weigh-loss mode to regain the confidence.
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Old 07-29-2013, 03:56 AM   #13
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GlamourGirl I know what you are going through in these last days of pregnancy (I'm at 38 weeks myself). Just remember that by losing any amount of weight you are wining against the influences our calorie heavy culture has. Most of the population is steadily gaining weight. So by being able to lose it (after pregnancy no less) you are already working hard and accomplishing something.

Good luck with your labour and delivery!
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Old 07-29-2013, 02:27 PM   #14
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In a way, I don't think this is far from what I was recently posting about. I'm a little bit older than you (37) and not once was I able to get below 220 until earlier this year. I did get down to the 220's twice when I was in my 20's, but fell of the wagon for various reasons, mainly triggered by not being in the right mindset. And now that I finally achieved getting below that number, I got pregnant and went right back over 220 again. While I'm sure I'll be able to work back down again once I've had the baby, I'm scared that I was somehow never meant to be under 220. That's still obese! So like you, I feel it marks a point that I cannot cross AND maintain. Even though I did climb all the way up to 360 for a few years, I've actually spent most of my life in the 250-275 range. When I got to my highest, I had my sights set on losing the extra hundred pounds to get back to my "normal" range and inched my way back there. Then I focused on wanting to achieve a healthier new normal while hopelessly believing it couldn't be done.

I proved myself wrong; I did it! And I can do it again! And I bet you can prove yourself wrong too. I totally agree with the psychological baggage that can be attached to certain weights, and it's an extremely hard thing to shake. Look at this way; you say you have no choice but to get down to 160 again. Instead of focusing on that number, remind yourself you have no choice but to be at your healthiest. This will serve as a great reminder for me as well . . . neither of us should be freaking so much over some numbers, all that matters is that we're healthy and happy. Work toward that and perhaps the rest will fall into place.

I'll be thinking of you on your big day tomorrow. Good luck with everything!
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Old 07-29-2013, 11:28 PM   #15
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You sound alot like me... getting around the 160s-170s and wanting to get the last 30-40 or so pounds off.

People say it's the last 10 pounds that are the hardest to get off, but for me it's the last 30 that really requires me to be so strict. Hard workouts, cutting carbs, higher protein, watching every calorie-- the type of foods do matter at that point... I got down to 150 a couple of years ago, so I was getting there, but maybe a mental thing and I stopped whatever I was doing and went back up to 200...so now here I am again at the 170s.

Now that I type this out, I think maybe part of the mental block isn't hitting goal, but just diving into all the hard work it takes to make that goal, then I realize it might be hard to maintain... so maybe it isn't worth it and a fail? But I see others make it down to the low weights and maintain so I like to think it is possible!

so, I think that's all it is- it's just alot of hard work to get the last 30 off!
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