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My family is concerned, but talk very harshly instead of being supportive

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Old 07-02-2013, 10:54 PM   #1
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Unhappy My family is concerned, but talk very harshly instead of being supportive

I need to vent and get support somewhere after my family (my parents) have been verbally abusing me the past 3 days about my weight gain. So here goes my vent...

I just moved back to the east coast this past Saturday. I was living and enjoying my life on the west coast for the past 2 years, but moved back to the east coast due to my family's emotional neediness. I'm temporarily staying with my parents just for this week while my shipment/furniture for my condo gets delivered this Friday. I'm a single, 35 year old woman with no kids and I am of South Asian heritage.

My parents have been getting on my case (several times a day) about my weight gain. My dad is the "mean one" while my mom just nags and nags and nags about the same thing.

I told them I am aware of the fact that I have a weight problem (I'm 180lbs right now and wear size 16/18 pants....back in 2008 I was 145lbs...so yeah, I know I have weight to lose) and that I plan to do this program called Ideal Protein as soon as I move back into my condo later this week. I'm NOT pigging out or anything. They just want me to get on the treadmil or elipitical machine for 30 minutes. The first day I was back, they took me to the park and we went for a 30 minute walk. I know what they were doing and I figured I'd go with it JUST to get them off my back.

They treat me like I'm 300lbs and need to be on the TV show Extreme Weight Loss! I believe they treat me like I'm 300lbs because, by South Asian standards, I am regarded as someone who is THAT heavy. South Asians (and possibly ALL Asian cultures) are very judgmental towards overweight people.

I'm one of those people that shuts down when a person nags to me about my weight gain. It doesn't motivate me at all. In fact, it hinders me to the point where I think to myself "Well what's the point?" I don't need negative messages/comments.

I know they are concerned. I overheard them talking in the living room tonight (they didn't think I could hear them since I was in another room). My parents said how they are shocked that I'm not ashamed of the way that I look and that most women my age would go to the gym everyday and make it a top priority to stay slim....that they don't know how the **** I'm going to get married since I'm fat....my mom asked my dad if I could have a thyroid problem, but dad said no...that I'm just lazy....that I don't move around.

I'm going to move back to my condo either 4th of July or this Friday at the latest. I can't deal with their verbal abuse. Logically, I understand they are coming from a place of concern. But how they deliver their message is very harsh and does more harm than good. For example, last night they told me how they know Indian people in the community gossip about them because I'm unmarried and fat. I told my parents that they should tell those people to mind their own business.

*sigh* I knew it was a mistake moving back to the east coast. Maybe I'll just stay at my condo starting tomorrow night regardless of the fact that my shipment hasn't arrived yet from the west coast.

My parents said they are telling me all these (harsh) things because no one else will tell me (i.e., friends). I told them that I realize that none of my friends will tell me I'm fat to my face, but that I am aware that I've gained weight and I plan to do something about it very soon. In the meantime, I'm not eating any fast food, no soda, or anything "bad". They just keep on hounding me about the same thing everyday....several times a day.

It's ironic....on one hand they get on my case about my weight gain, which makes feel like crap....yet on the other hand, they get on my case about getting married....it's like...WTF? First you hound me and make me like the ugliest woman in the world and THEN you expect me to have the confidence to find a man to get married to? ARGH!

I'm 180lbs. On Ideal Protein (IP), you lose 8 to 10lbs per month. At this point, I'll be happy being 148lbs, which was the weight I was at my brother's wedding back in November 2008. IP is a low carb, high protein diet that you are only supposed to do for a short amount of time. I did it for 3 weeks while I was living in Seattle, and dropped 8lbs easily in those 3 weeks. I KNOW that if I stick with it, I will lose the weight. Also, in IP, they tell you NOT to exercise for at least the first 3 weeks due to it being a low calorie diet (i.e., less than 1000 calories a day in the beginning of the program).

Anyway, my parents are making me feel worthless and I told them that I wish I had just stayed in Seattle because I hate living with them. Yes, I got into a fight with them. I felt like I was 13 years old rather than 35 years old when fighting with them. They really bring me down instead build me up. I thought parents were to support their children and NOT tear them apart?

I've told my parents that they are being abusive and that they keep on telling me the same damn thing every day for several times a day.....they say that they keep on telling me the same thing because I don't seem to be concern that I've gained so much weight and that it looks like I'm not doing anything about it.

I can't win. No wonder I loved my live in Seattle. I had mental peace living there.

I just need someone to share their personal story...or success story...or just any story because after 4 days of their verbal abuse, I'm in tears.

And to think that I moved back JUST for them...only to have them verbally abuse me. Such selfish people!
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:41 PM   #2
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Ugh, hugs to you Freebird! I am so angry you have to deal with that! Your fam may think they are supporting you, but they sure as he*l aren't doing you any favours. i think it's great that you are going to try your condo, as I think you need distance from them. 3FC is such a positive, caring community and come here for support, okay?

Remember- just because they are blood doesn't mean they are right.

Good luck!
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:43 PM   #3
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I'm SO sorry you're going through this especially from your parents who are supposed to love you no matter what. My mom can be that way sometimes and it HURTS! so I get what you're saying. You are hardly an elephant at 178 and 5'5!!! I'd move out of that toxic environment as soon as I'm able!

You are doing this FOR YOU, not them. Ignore them as hard as it is to do but it's for the best.
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Old 07-02-2013, 11:44 PM   #4
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First a really big !!!!!

My parents aren't abusive, but they do nag me every single time I see them, and I see them very regularly. I understand that the reason they are nagging is because they are worried about me, and to an extent also my fiance who is also very overweight. Understanding that doesn't make it any easier for me to hear the nagging.

After several weeks of this, and pushing down the anger I had every time they'd mention it, I told them flat out if they wanted me to continue to come over and spend time with them, t hey had to understand that I was going to lose weight my way, and when I was ready. All nagging was doing was pushing me away.

Weight loss is successful, I find, when you reach that "ah-ha" moment...the one where you get a mental 'click' that says now is the time to lose weight. You have to do it for you, it can't be for other people. The hard truth is that sometimes there needs to be boundaries. My parents fought me on it, and continued to nag even after I had asked them to stop. I ended up not seeing them for almost a month. I didn't call them, I didn't text them, I wouldn't go to their house to do laundry (I hate the laundry at my apt building), I literally cut off all contact. After that, when I finally called them, they were just so happy that I was returning their calls that they agreed to stop nagging me.

Now they are more supportive, and I think that has to do more with the fact that they can see me trying to lose weight. I use their elliptical machine, I am measuring out and weighing all my food, etc. The weight is coming off slowly, but at least they can see I'm putting in the effort.

Maybe that's all your parents need is to see you start losing the weight for them to start backing off on the comments and nagging. I'm sure their hearts are in the right place, but instead of being supportive the way you need it, they are doing the tough-love method, and they may not realize that all it's doing is pushing you away.

As far as the "finding a husband" thing....there's no way in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks I would get married until I was good and ready. My fiance and I have been together for almost 8 years now, and while we did get engaged, we are in absolutely no rush to walk down the aisle. If my parents had started pushing me to try and find a husband, I would tell them flat out that my love life is none of their business, and there's no if's ands or buts about it. If they tried pushing the subject, I would leave. I understand that there are some cultural issues, but I wouldn't find someone to make my parents happy, I'd find someone to make ME happy. Just my feelings on the subject, I hope it doesn't sound too harsh!

I'm truly sorry you have to go through this, Freebird, and I really hope that things work out!! Don't be afraid to do what's best for you, even if that means stepping away from the situation to clear your head
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:15 AM   #5
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Also, in IP, they tell you NOT to exercise for at least the first 3 weeks due to it being a low calorie diet

Why not? What will happen if you do? Just wondering
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:20 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Terra1984 View Post
Also, in IP, they tell you NOT to exercise for at least the first 3 weeks due to it being a low calorie diet

Why not? What will happen if you do? Just wondering

It will slow down your weight loss process since you are already eating a low amount of calories. Perhaps an IP expert will see this thread and chime in to give details if you're interested in knowing more.
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Old 07-03-2013, 12:47 AM   #7
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Oh okay well thanks for answering my question
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:34 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeBird3 View Post
It will slow down your weight loss process since you are already eating a low amount of calories.
I'm not an IP expert, but this doesn't sound right. No matter how high or low your caloric intake, you'll lose more weight if you move more (assuming your food intake stays constant). Of course, you may feel weak, dizzy and cranky -- all good reasons not to exercise if you're eating under 1,000 cals per day.

F.
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Old 07-03-2013, 09:48 AM   #9
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I found this explanation online. I sort of understand it.

4.
Why is exercise NOT recommended during the Ideal Protein Weight Loss
Method

Dieters on the protocol are on a very low caloric diet, yet their body is actu
ally
"getting more calories" than they were prior to starting our protocol. Why? Because
they are burning (using their fat stores) fat.

They are getting about 900 Kcals per
day from the foods they are eating (on Phase 1) but if they lose 4 lbs per week (on average)

4 x 3500 Kcal/lb of fat means 14,000 Kcal/week, divide by 7 equals 2000
Kcals per day.
They are actually consuming
900 Kcal + 2000 Kcals = 2900Kcals per
day
.
Understand their bodies must make the necessary enzymes to fully burn the
ketonic bodies that are produced from fat metabolism (beta oxidation).
It takes
about two weeks for this to happen. During the first 3 weeks, your body is getting
the necessary "enzymatic machinery" in place so it can use 100% of the ketonic
bodies (for cellular fuel)
that your body is producing from burning the fat.


In the
first couple of weeks, it cannot use all of them and you breath them out (acetone breath), "pee them out" (ket
ostix turn purple when you dip them in your urine) or
you excrete excess ketones in your feces.

If your blood sugar gets too low during this time period, the proteins we supply and
the muscle you have can undergo gluconeogenesis and glucose can be produced.

If you increase the glucose demand (i.e. exercise vigorously during these first
3
weeks) you will increase gluconeogensis markedly.
This CAN result in muscle loss,
SOMETHING WE
WANT
TO
AVOID!!!!

If you MUST exercise during the first 3 weeks,
please do it lightly,

(1/3 to 1/2 your normal intensity) or not at all.
Here's the
beauty of the program:
During this period...you literally are "peeing out calories"
without having to exercise!!!
You will lose the same amount of weight, but will not
risk
losing muscle.
This is not about calories in
-
calories out, it's about hormones
and metabolism. They were fighting a hormone (Insulin) before and you can't
exercise your way out of that, the hormone always wins.
After the first 3 weeks, you
may exercise,
but please keep in mind:

Do not get overly tired

Supplements
are a must!
(serious cardiac problems
can result; arrythmias, tachycardia, etc)

Keep well hydrated, if exercising you
m
ust increase your
water
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Old 07-03-2013, 02:09 PM   #10
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I'm doing medically supervised weight loss, low carb, high protein and I exercise, from the first day - water aerobics, water zumba and yoga 3 days a week and strength training and walking the other 4. It's a load of bs that you can't exercise and eat low calorie.
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Old 07-03-2013, 02:53 PM   #11
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Where's JohnP when we need him?

My memory is hazy, but it seems like he once explained that IP is all about ketosis and is basically a sales pitch for expensive supplements; the reason they push no exercise is because it could potentially keep the scale from dropping as quickly since if you stay on your duff you're losing both fat and muscle. Not that the scale can tell any difference between the two; most people who go into the program only watch the numbers on the scale since they want to lose their weight as quickly as possible.

I believe part of the sales pitch claims that you don't lose any muscle due to the amount of protein you eat along the ratio with everything else, or something like that, but I highly doubt that's true. Ideally you want to exercise so you can at least retain your existing muscle as you lose weight; since fat takes up more space per pound, you'll notice more of a difference in the way you look and how your clothes fit (which to most people, is far more important than a number on the scale).
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Old 07-03-2013, 03:04 PM   #12
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Yuck, Freebird, drop your parents, completely. They obviously care about you a lot, but they have no stable or rational way of showing it. Separate from them until they get their **** together.
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Old 07-03-2013, 03:19 PM   #13
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Just wanted to send some hugs your way

I can't really comment because different cultures think different things, so what would work for mine would probably not work in yours.

Just keep strong and try to take their comments as they are, closed minded cultural thoughts.
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Old 07-03-2013, 03:51 PM   #14
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Hi Freebird!

Firstly, I have been where you are (and still am actually!) We have a very similar story, I'm also South Asian and just moved back home after finishing some grad work in a different state, and man moving back home has been rough!!

When I first came home I was my highest weight, and this "weight" was the reason I didn't have a boyfriend and that I should see that my looking at all my other non overweight cousins who have boyfriend/engaged/married. Like seriously?!! Seriously?!

I have aunts and family friends make comments about my weight for as long as I can remember. Literally every gathering would be them trying to find a diet for me that I could stay on. It was humiliating. I actually went back to the motherland a couple years ago, and it was the worst experience ever! They are completely blunt, and they act as if I have no desire to actually lose this weight. Ay! I could rant all day about this! But I just wanted to say that you are not alone!

I actually had one of my aunts tell me once that my then boyfriend would "leave me if I got bigger and that I could only blame myself because I was so greedy for food", safe to say I keep myself away from these people now.

I honestly feel like they mean well, but just articulating the message in a way that's encouraging is where they completely fail. If you read some of my past posts, I've had a few rants about things my dad has said to me. My mom has been better but anytime I pick up a cookies, I get glares like I'm holding a nuclear bomb or something, it's freaking ridiculous!

I've learned to just deal with it over the years. Anytime my parents make a comment now, I just agree. Like some days I won't workout (my break day or whatever), and they'll say you should really be exercising right now, and I will just say "yeah I probably should but I know what I'm doing" since i'm actually losing now they've shut up (it sounds harsh but there is only so much someone can take!).

Anyway, didn't mean to write a novel but just keep your head up and know that you're going in the right direction, they do care, but being harsh is never the way to encourage, for some reason this is the way my parents are unfortunately!
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:41 PM   #15
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Freebird3: I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. As if moving across the country isn't enough on its own.

It seems to me that there are several (related) issues here.

One, you moved from a place where you were enjoying your life all the way across the country to live near your family, due to their "emotional neediness". I get that, I really do - my mom is emotionally...fragile, let's say. What has it cost you besides inconvenience - friends? A job? I think the fact that your move was basically a sacrifice to your parents' comfort/happiness, makes their current behavior toward you even more difficult to understand and to tolerate.

Next, the weight issue itself, and your parents' attitude about it. I certainly think that your move out to your own place will accomplish a lot. But, you will presumably still be spending a fair amount of time with your parents. What do you think will improve the situation, apart from the move out? Do you think that they will only be appeased by substantial weight loss on your part? What if that is not enough - do you have to lose 30 lbs and ALSO get engaged to please them? It's a slippery slope. Be sure that you are not allowing their needs and wants for you to hijack your own.

The weight loss plan: I don't know the first thing about IP weight loss, but the collective hivemind of 3FC surely does. Find the support that you need, and are not getting from your family: online, IRL, whatever it takes.

The marriage issue: OK, I'm 38 years old and after a long-term relationship ended in 2007, I was happily happily single for a while. I barely dated at all, I was in a good place emotionally as a singleton and I knew it. About 18 months ago, I met a wonderful man and now we're planning a wedding. Give it the time it needs. Good things do happen, when we allow them to happen and when they're meant to happen. Not when our parents want them to happen.
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