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Husband told me I'm too fat for his office chair

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Old 05-31-2013, 12:49 PM   #46
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I think the bottom line issue to me is that we consider each other in this marriage. If my husband was mad tall (he's average height) I would consider furniture and whatnot that helped him be comfortable. I wouldn't buy a miniature car.]/quote]

I was in this situation--I'm short. My first husband is 6'6". There was rarely furniture available that was comfortable for both of us. I remember saying "this loveseat is comfortable for me. If it's too small for you, let's get the loveseat and then find you a chair you find comfortable."

DH and I don't like each other's office chairs anyway :-).

But, here's the thing that I see. I used to have four rolling chairs at my kitchen table--and my guests liked those best. Even the guests who were 300+ lbs--and eventually, all four chairs broke because they weren't designed for that. It's a shame that they weren't designed for that, but it's also a shame that they were destroyed. I never said anything to any of my friends, but they were totally unwilling to be steered towards sturdier chairs.

Another example: due to surgeries, I own a shower chair. It is rated to 250 lbs. I have a friend who visits often who uses a shower chair at her own home since she has trouble standing for long--but hers is a larger and sturdier chair. Do I offer her mine to use when she visits? (I am done using it after my foot surgery so it went back in the basement). The truth is, I think she's too big for it and it might break--she could get hurt if that happens.

It sounds as if that's only her getting hurt I'm concerned about--and in this case it is. But I don't think worrying about breaking a piece of new furniture is evil.

I don't know if the OP's husband was being a jerk or was trying to be sensitive for a hard subject. Having looked at catalogs of chairs and other things for extremely large people, those can be out of reach (financially) for those who don't need them. They can also be actively uncomfortable for those who don't need the oversized chair, etc.

I'm not saying the husband was kind--but I'm not sure he deserves condemnation, either.
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Old 05-31-2013, 08:32 PM   #47
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To me, though, considering how your guests might use your furniture is completely different than considering how or whether your own wife might use it! I don't have any problem with someone swapping out their "good" chairs if company is coming over, but a wife should be able to use any piece of furniture in her own home, any time - the only exception to me would be if they each had a desk, and each chose their own chair. If it's a shared space, however, then I think it's a douche move for the husband to not only go ahead and choose the chair on his own (seriously? did he even ask your opinion?), but to knowingly select a chair that he felt wouldn't support his wife's weight. What kind of person would do that? There isn't a worldwide shortage of chairs, and there are certainly many that come with higher weight limits....they don't even have to cost more than ones with lower weight limits. It's not even like he's saying he only found out about the weight limit after the chair was bought and paid for, and it can't be returned - he clearly knew, and didn't care. He can try to soften his message all he likes, but at the end of the day no one held a gun to his head and forced him to buy this particular chair...this could have been so easily avoided, and need not have even been an issue if he was really thinking about his wife and her needs (not to mention feelings!).

I can't make any comment on what you should do as far as your marriage, because every marriage has it's moments and ups and downs and only you really know how you feel and what you want from your life with a partner. But as far as this situation, it comes across as a very passive-aggressive move to me.
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Old 05-31-2013, 09:33 PM   #48
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Has he at least apologized yet? It sounds to me like you should be questioning your feelings for your husband. If you think its worth it stay with him, if not leave. But don't let one mean comment ruin a relationship if you care for him, unless this is consistently happening which could also be the case.
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Old 06-01-2013, 01:49 AM   #49
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Hey, I'm sorry you're having trouble with this

I've read through the thread, and one thing strikes me as familiar - being called too sensitive. Yes, I am damn well sensitive, and it has it's good side too, just like all personal traits.

All the analysis in the world about what his intentions were will never get you closer to moving forward. If I could make a suggestion, focus on what YOU want out of your communication with your husband. Counselling might be a good place to start (speaking from experience). I also experience depression and have done so most of my life. It's hard. But honestly, if you can figure out what you want, based on who you are, and communicate your boundaries in a confident way then follow up on what you say, you're going a long way. You don't need to change your husband, that's the beauty of it. Something as straightforward as "I know I'm a sensitive person, and I'm not ashamed of that, but sometimes it's easy for you to hit a nerve when you may not intend to. If you say something that upsets me, intentionally or otherwise, I will leave the room to think it through and calm down and re-address the issue when I'm more level headed" can go a long way. Then follow through on that! Leave the room and stop it escalating. Come back when you're calm and tell him "when you said X, I felt Y, I'm not making you responsible for my feelings, but could you explain what you meant?" And that gives him the non-combative environment to say "man I ballsed that up, I meant Z but it just came blurting out" or whatever.

Once you set some boundaries about how you communicate, he might feel safer to do the same, then you both know where you stand and can start figuring out what you want. Because honestly, the "what did it all mean??" mental merry-go-round gets you nowhere good. I know that for a super-sensitive person tiny things can become enormous in your mind and make you want to run away from a situation, but your personal issues on how to protect your sensitive nature will persist in any and all relationships until you face them. If you can't drive, getting a different car won't make it any easier, or some metaphor like that. Being sensitive is hard, I know, and you don't need to change. But maybe you do need to learn how to express to people when you're having a bad reaction to an emotional situation, and to have strategies in place for dealing with these situations to protect yourself. Very few of us are taught how to handle this. But it's just like a fair-skinned person putting on SPF to prevent being burned in the sun.

Please do check this out and see if any of it resonates with you:

http://psychologytoday.com/blog/sens...thy-boundaries

I feel for you, I really do. This isn't about the chair or what his intentions were, I don't think. It just seems you've landed up in a situation in your life that you're unhappy with, and this incident has just brought all those feelings to the surface again. Well, better out than in! You CAN get through this, and you WILL.

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Old 06-01-2013, 01:56 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by stea98 View Post
...a wife should be able to use any piece of furniture in her own home, any time - the only exception to me would be if they each had a desk, and each chose their own chair.
Apparently that is the situation, as op mentioned that she has her own workspace and has only used his chair very rarely.

I think op's hubby was insensitive, but it suddenly ocurred to me that hub may not have been talking about the new chair at all.

She said she asked him what he was going to do with the OLD chair, so it sounds more likely that he was talking about THAT chair when referring to possible weight limits (talking about the new chair doesn't make any sense at all in this context).

So hub is either an IDIOT, or he was talking about the limitations of the old chair, not the new.

And if he was talking about the old chair, it doesn't seem likely that he was worried more about the chair than his wife, as she admits it was in bad shape.

If he did mean the new chair, he may not be a villain, but he is a super-idiot, because his answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question op says she asked.

If she asked something like, "What are you going to do with the old, cruddy chair, which paraphrase makes the most sense?


Don't touch my new chair, you'll break it.

or

I don't think that chair is sturdy enough to keep.


He does earn idiot points for failing to use the long pause to phrase his response more diplomatically, but I don't see douchebag points being warranted, or grounds for rejecting or delaying acceptance of his apology.
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:25 PM   #51
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As sexist as it sounds, men are not known for their diplomacy. In my relationship, I can have a four star melt down over something my man says, and it's usually because I'm putting more meaning in his words than he did.

It sounds like there are other issues here, so address them and then see if the comment over the chair is still as important. I don't mean to sound insensitive, because I get where you're coming from, but if you don't address the deeper underlying issues, you're going to have a lot of "chair" comments.
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:43 PM   #52
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Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.
This... When you have been with someone long enough you know when they are saying it simply to be an a$$ about it. If he was then, based on what you said, it may be time to start moving on and spending a little time with just you. IMHO he should have purchased a chair you both could sit in.
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Old 06-06-2013, 12:49 PM   #53
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It sounds like there are other issues here, so address them and then see if the comment over the chair is still as important. I don't mean to sound insensitive, because I get where you're coming from, but if you don't address the deeper underlying issues, you're going to have a lot of "chair" comments.
^^ this!

and keep your chin up!
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Old 06-06-2013, 01:16 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by ichoose2believe View Post
This... When you have been with someone long enough you know when they are saying it simply to be an a$$ about it. If he was then, based on what you said, it may be time to start moving on and spending a little time with just you. IMHO he should have purchased a chair you both could sit in.
I'm not sure I totally agree. I think the longer a couple is together, the more likely they are to ASSUME they know what their spouse or long-term partner is thinking. The opportunity though is to make even bigger mistakes. I know in my own relationship, I'm less likely to give my husband the benefit of the doubt than I did when we were first together.

I tend to believe that I know the way he thinks, but I've been DEAD WRONG often enough to suspect that I grossly overestimate my ability to read his mind through body language and tone of voice.

As to the chair, assuming he was talking about the new chair, since op admits they rarely share workspaces, I think it makes more sense that each select their chairs according to their individual needs. I mean, it would be silly to expect them to buy shoes or clothing they both could wear.

What I don't get is why the purchase wasn't discussed and done together, but maybe that's because my husband and I do discuss almost all purchases even clothing and shoes.

My husband and I did recently buy a chair for his workspace that I cannot use comfortably. I feel like Goldilox, because the chair's seat is uncomfortably tall for me, but hubby is 6'2" and needs the height for comfort. No biggie, when I want to use his workspace (he has a better printer, we haven't replaced mine yet), I have to pull my chair from my office.

I wouldn't want to regularly use a chair "we both can use" because a compromise chair would be uncomfortable for us both.
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Old 06-06-2013, 02:32 PM   #55
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Ouchhhh. I'm so sorry. I'm amazed to see this because just a couple weeks ago, my boyfriend asked me not to sit in his brand new 800 dollar chair because there's a weight limit. I was in shock...how could he be so insensitive? When I googled it, it said it could handle 300 pounds which I am pretty significantly under. Men...such jerks!
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