When I ask, my husband is honest with me. I don't need to ask him if I am overweight... I already know :P LOL So, to me him pointing it out in a way that hurts my feelings would be a jerk thing to do (and would never happen because he isn't at all like that). I have asked him if an outfit looked better on me than another or if X outfit was more flattering than Y -- and he is totally honest with me. I've asked him if he thought I would fit in a ride or whatever, and he is totally honest with me -- usually saying that we'll check out someone my size going first and if we agree they're my size and can make it, so can I. Stuff like that. In a kind, loving way. He doesn't just "tell me whatever I want to hear" but gives me respect enough not to offer unsolicited opinions on issues that are sensitive to me. I do the same. We trust that each are grown, capable adults able to see ourselves clearly in the mirror and don't need someone pointing out the obvious in a hurtful way.
Seriously, your husband has to be my husband's twin. I ask my husband all those questions and compare me to others for size reference (not in a mean way, just for size comparison when it matters), I trust my husband's opinion on my clothes fitting right, etc.
To be honest, I trust my husband with these things 100x more than anyone in my family or any of my girlfriends.
I'm so sorry those things happened to you, Kaplods. That's terrible . I was just speaking in the context of how I felt the husband's intention was in saying that. I don't think it was coming from a place of unconditional love, but hey, I don't know the entire story or marriage. I hope you understand I am empathetic to what you've shared, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
There's no need to feel sorry, because I don't - and I don't see them as terrible. Inconvenient? Annoying? Mildly embarrassing? LMAO funny? Well, yeah... now... but not terrible, and that's my real point. It was a little embarrassing, but even at the time I joked about it, because I had NOTHING to be ashamed of.
And probably because I'm not ashamed of my size, and because of my awesome hubby (who I can envision saying something similar without meaning it hatefully) I'm more likely to assume the best of op's hubby. I trust that she can figure out whether her hubby is a poopnugget, or simply misunderstood. I just wanted to say that from the information given, I don't see poopnugget as the only option.
My hubby has almost no filter. What he thinks, very likely will come out of his mouth. If he said, "I don't want you breaking my chair," I'd be annoyed, but I probably would respond the same way as a more tactful response or something like "I'm not sure this chair will support you. " In either case (because I am an independent adult), I would say, "We should really take it back to the store and get something we both can use."
I tend to assume the best in people for a very practical reason... it makes my life easier and more pleasant. I don't expect anyone, not even myself to say the most perfectly diplomatic thing all the time (or ever).
That reflects my upbringing, I'm sure. I love my mom, but she had a terrible time seeing any communication with her as noncritical. Literally, anything you said could be interpreted as heartless and critical, which is emotionally exhausting for everyone.
My hubby does tend to be overprotective of not only me, but his stuff too. He'll often "warn" me to be careful near his desk because he has painted figures on his desk - or he'll treat me like a child, because of my illness (memory and judgement become impaired when I am flaring - deeply embarrassing). I often have to stand firm and remind him that am an adult and still capable of making decisions.
I do get angry and annoyed with him for trying to "micromanage" my life at times, but I lovingly tell him to butt out and he usually does. I would never divorce him over such a (to me) trivial fault.
To me, it sounds like OP and her husband are having the same problem my husband and I had in the early years of our marriage... And having BA and MA degrees in psychology and a strong interest and job experiences focused on communication, I thought I was ahead of the game... nope, it was still very difficult merging two lives alone into one life together.
In my experience working with people with relationship difficulties, most marriages and other long-term relationships do not break up over intentional cruelty or lack of respect or even lack of love... it's generally over mis-communication and unrealistic expectations of one another. It's in all the ways in which we choose to to interpret (often misinterpreting) words, actions, facial expressions... and what they mean.
And somehow "the chair may not support you," becomes, "I don't want you to break MY new chair, you fat, ugly *****, you don't deserve to sit in a nice , new chair - you can use the old piece of crap, you pitiful witch. I hate you, you've ruined my life."
To be clear, I'm not saying you or OP are saying that, but unfortunately it is a pattern that isn't rare. Without more information, I think one explanation (the comment was innocent) is as likely as another (that he's turdboy).
The place to determine which isn't here, it's between OP and her husband, ideally in counseling.
My Etsy shop (currently closed for the summer)
So I don't have any advice to give, because I think you've gotten a lot of great advice (from both sides of the argument) already from some pretty awesome posters.
I may be a tad bit off topic, but as a teacher who has seen what dysfunctional marriages do to kids, please, please, please, I implore you not to have children with this man unless you get your issues worked out, preferably with a professional therapist's help.
Every day is a battle, but whatever, I'm scrappy ~Darcey
I really wanted to thank all of you for your discussion and numerous responses - it really touched me. I thought for the inquiring minds I would clear a few things up
My husband isn't a poop nugget (LOL so great), I've been with him almost 7 years total and I do really love him and am very committed to upholding our marriage vows. I wouldn't call him abusive or manipulative. I do think however he has a serious jerk streak, especially when he's tired or annoyed and then it's been like he has it out for me. It's something I have been seeing a lot since we got married. I think what hurt the most about today is that it was COMPLETELY unexpected. We weren't even talking about my weight. He has never once commented to me about my weight, we've had some hairy moments about it together (not fitting into any amusement park rides etc). I mean there's no pretending,I have a log in our bathroom with my weight on it from every week. He knows I want to lose weight and the steps I take, I share with him my weigh in successes, etc. There's absolutely no need for a "talk" about the problem.
Basically all I did was ask while we were cleaning "so your old computer chair, you want me to throw it out or what?" which led to an awkward pause and then him telling me there's a weight limit on the new chair and that I'm probably not going to be able to use it once it gets moved up to the office. It was unprovoked and unnecessary.
I will put it in here that a few hours later, he came downstairs and told me he was out of line and he said what he said without thinking. It was nice however I'm just as angry about it, for me an apology doesn't always mean a whole lot - I'll take it but it doesn't change the fact that he did it and that "trust" for him to be my "safe spot" is ruined for awhile.
My husband is the kind of insanely overcautious person - to a fault. He worries about everything... everything. Every sound his car makes, every sound my car makes, every creak of the house. He's paranoid. The list can go on and on. I'm just going to put it out there that since I moved in 2 years ago, I have sat at his office computer maybe a handful of times, usually because I needed to print something. So like maybe 20 minutes of the last 24 months my butt has been there. I have my own work space. Every office chair I've ever owned has cost less than $40 so I bet you it was a <200 lb weight limit - and let me say, EVERY SINGLE CHAIR IS STILL FUNCTIONING. I own two of them still. Every office chair I use at work is just fine, even these old ghetto 20 year old ones I sit on occassionally. I didn't want to stand on it, jump up and down, wiggle all around, stomp by feet and fly down the stairs into a pile of pillows. So it was completely unnecessary.
A few minutes after the ordeal he came up to me and told me I'm way too sensitive and that there's no way to tell me stuff I don't want to hear. I will admit I am a very sensitive person, but I do have thick skin with some things, my weight - not so much and he knows that. Plus there was no real reason for him to say that... all I wanted to know was whether or not I'm pitching the old chair for garbage pick up tomorrow.
So for those of you who think my husband is trying to keep me safe, I do disagree, because I don't think it's a valid concern in this situation. He seemed mostly concerned I'd be breaking our $200 office chair. I'm 320ish on a really tall frame, it's well proportioned, I've climbed up ladders meant for people under 200 lbs and lived SO sorry to hear of those of you who have sustained serious injury and let me say that yes that would be a legitmate concern for me and I make judgements about what will hold me and what won't. It's awful your stories about serious injury and I will heed your warning. For me, sitting in a chair and having it break, not a concern I have. The tone of it was hurtful and like "well it's your own fault"ish.
And thank you to the kind poster who informed everyone I am literate and can make my own educated decision regarding weigh tlimits HA that made me laugh too Because yes, I am college educated to boot and I can definitely read and judge weight restrictions myself. I'm not bungee jumping with it afterall.
I'm so sorry!! I have been on the end of similar hurtful comments, so I know how you feel.
"Let's just keep it" (the old chair) would have been the better answer.
But the way you describe him sounds like someone who really values being precise.
Maybe try telling him, You really hurt my feelings, and let him make it up to you. And learn from his mistakes! ;-)
I would be completely crushed by a comment like that, quite honestly. However, with your latest post, you stated that he's completely paranoid. Are you sure he wasn't paranoid that you would hurt yourself? Are you sure it was about the price of the chair? I just wanted to check.
I think that even though you truly love him and divorce is a major, MAJOR move, you don't have children, which makes things a lot different. Ask yourself if you can truly live with his personality for the rest of your days. When kids come, things don't usually get easier....people tend to get more intense with their negative qualities.
I do hope you'll take the advice others gave you to let this comment fuel your fire and continue on your journey, rather than but it out and give up. You deserve to be treated with kindness not only from others but also by yourself.
Hugs to you!
First goal: under 180:
Second goal: 175 or below:
Third goal: 168 (no longer overweight):
Fourth goal: 160 or below:
Final goal: 145-155 (not sure if this will ever happen):
Offered also with a spirit of compassion/non-judging:
Courtney, from your last post, what strikes me most is that it sounds like your husband is absolutely terrified when it comes to weight-related communication. Which could explain why this weight limit thing came out so randomly -- he might have had this concern in his head for some time (like when he bought the chair), didn't know how to say something without upsetting you, and so when you asked, he blurted out something he'd been holding in. (Ask your honestly, is there really any scenario in which he could have said something that you would not have perceived as deeply hurtful?)
You are entitled to your feelings, and they are absolutely valid -- but consider how your reaction (anger, upset, sounds like perhaps several tense hours in the house after this happened) further conditions how he communicates around this subject. I think some of what kaplods' shared about her husband is relevant -- once patterns are set up they are so hard to break. And sadly, the more scared/unsure he is of what and how to say something, he's likely to handle it in a way that you find really hurtful. And it sets up toxic communication patterns that just create more and more problems over time - you will feel consistently judged and found wanting, he will feel resentful because he's set up to always lose.
I also married relatively young, and I have had to work through some extreme weight sensitivity with my husband. I was projecting so much fear/embarrassment from my past that I was completely unwilling to discuss it, and it took me a few years to de-fang the issue (and realize how much of it came from me and my own head). It was really hard at first - I couldn't even acknowledge to him I was trying to lose weight. (I commend you on your bathroom log! I'm only very recently to a point where I even feel OK discussing numbers!) My point in this tangent is that the more I worked on my own head space and not feeling defensive and embarrassed over this subject, the better and better our communication became.
It is so acutely painful when you don't feel that security/support from your spouse - no matter where that perception comes from. Hugs to you.
When I was at my heaviest, we were looking for a treadmill. They were expensive and my husband said I was over the weight limit and was afraid I might break them and didn't want to buy one. Never thought of being mad at him for saying it. I was upset and sad over it, but not at him, he was just telling the truth. We finally did find a heavy duty one with a 350 pound limit and he bought it for me.
IMO.. this has nothing to do the limits on the chair. Who cares if the chair breaks. The likelihood of you breaking a brand new chair is pretty slim. He should of known that, that is not something you say to your wife. I don't think he would of been pretending that your not fat if he didn't say anything. I think he would of been watching out for your feelings and not caring about a damn chair. I'm sorry he said that to you. I hope you can find a way to either be happy or get the heck out of there and find your happiness. Your a beautiful women and if he doesn't see that his loss!! Good luck hun!
there was this long silence and then he started off by saying there was no easy way to say this but that there's a weight limit on the new office chair and that I would probably break it if I used to because I weigh too much, so if we get rid of the old one I can't sit at our computer desk anymore and it'll be off limits.
When I read through this the first time I focused on the fact that there was a long silence and assumed that he was trying to find a nice way to deliver what he thought of as a hard message. (Even though it shouldn't have been delivered.) Then I re-read the part about it'll be "off limits." Yes, the weight comment was hurtful, but for him to define something as being off limits for you because of your weight is unacceptable. If he's really this much into being a control freak then I'd be worried about what's going to come next.
In terms of your marriage -- you're the only one who knows if it's time to leave.
I've read your post, all the replies, and then your further clarification. Here's what I think, which is very similar to what one other person said. It sounds like he has been thinking / dreading about talking about his new chair purchase, and when you brought up what to do with the old chair, it just all came blurting out. You were caught totally off guard since you haven't been thinking about the new chair, but clearly this has been a topic on his mind. Yeah, maybe he shouldn't have bought a chair that you couldn't sit in, but on the other hand, if you truly have sat in the office chair for a total of 20 min over the last 2 years, then I can see why he bought the chair with only his needs in mind.
You're 23. I'm guessing he is 23, too? You guys are young and if you want to grow old together, you need to figure out how to accept and move on after an apology, and work to communicate better in the future.
If I’m being honest, I think you have some serious soul searching to do regarding your marriage. Do you want to continue to be a family with your husband as you intended when you took your vows, or do you think that you truly made a serious mistake in marrying him? I got married young (just before I turned 23) and have been married for nearly 4 years now. I can honestly say that staying in my marriage and working at it is one of the most hardest (if not the hardest) things I have ever done in my life, but I made a commitment to my husband and now my son to be there regardless of how difficult things get.
And I do disagree with other posters who indicate that if you aren’t happy right now you shouldn’t stay with your husband. Happiness comes and goes. I’m not 100% thrilled with my husband 100% of the time, but to think that you will be living in a state of marital bliss for the duration of your marriage is a little bit naive.
It sucks that he said that to you, but it doesn’t sound like he was trying to be cruel or vindictive. It sounds to me like his comment is something that you were unintentionally wounded by and is just another thing that is making you re-think your situation.
Think about what you want, and what is important to you. I would seriously think about seeing a marriage counselor together so that you can work on communication, and evaluate if this relationship is something that you both want to make a priority. You also say that you’re unhappy with your job and are feeling depressed often – maybe some one-on-one counseling wouldn’t hurt either, especially if you aren’t open to the idea of couples counseling. I would try to sort yourself out before doing anything rash.
I hope that things start to look up, and that you feel better soon.
One for every five pounds lost!
No longer obese – achieved 10/12/12, 20 pounds down and pedicure reward – achieved 11/16/12, 40 pounds down and facial reward – achieved 2/22/13, No longer overweight - achieved 4/12/13, 60 pounds down and full body massage reward
No comments one way or another about your partners comment.
My OH is an amazing, sensitive, intelligent and articulate man who is aware of my weight, is amazingly supportive and very tuned to my sensitivity regarding it. He was the first to truly appreciate the increasing energy and enthusiasm that came with my starting to eat healthy.
Yet when I casually mentioned that maybe I should start exercising more and pondering what my options might be. I did it just after he had come back from paddling (his exercise) and the comment was 'you wouldn't fit in the boat'! Pin - drop - BANG!
It hurt, truly and dreadfully. Yet it was honest. I would not have fitted into the boat and it would have been potentially (not guaranteed) unsafe. He was not claiming anything as his own because he had previously talked about how good it would be if I could join him in some of his activities. It was just that he thought I was asking to join him in that one and it was the only one that he genuinely thought I could not do.
It was one comment in the context of an otherwise loving and supportive relationship and despite my initial hurt that is how it came to be accepted.
By the way - to celebrate my 30kg weight loss target being acheived. He has brought me a club membership at his club, we start once we get back from overseas! (Weather will be better then and they have gym equipment as well) He knows when he gets things wrong (I will let him know as he does me) and we deal with it. I laughed so hard when I opened the envelope I think I lost another kg! PMSL!
I am going to fess up here and would just like to say that I have broken an office chair before!
The pole went straight through the base! It was an Ikea one.
So I got a better chair...
Still makes me laugh as I spent ages wondering where all these scratches on our hardwood floors were coming from!
Running because of Diana
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Don't believe the hype. EAT MORE FISH.
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