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Old 05-30-2013, 07:39 PM   #16
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That is unacceptable in my opinion. He has no business treating you that way!

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Old 05-30-2013, 07:41 PM   #17
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Also, you need to have the backbone to stand up for yourself if he hurts your feelings. My ex, who I now believe dates bigger girls simply b/c he thinks we'll put up w/ his crap and be happy that someone is paying attention to us, used to make comments when upset w/ me. He'd tell me that my butt was too big...I'd tell him if he isn't man enough to handle it, let me know, and I'll find someone who can. He'd tell me that my nose was too large and he wished he could cut it off...I'd tell him it was a shame I didn't have the same issue w/ him having anything too big for me to deal with. Eventually I dumped him...and I understand his new girlfriend is having a similar issue w/ him.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:06 PM   #18
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Are you upset by what he said or how he said it? Because I think it depends on the tone he used. If he said that with a kind tone than he was just telling you a fact.

Unfortunately tone doesn't always correlate with intention, which is harder to determine.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I had great difficulty communicating. We argued often because I didn't like his tone, and he would accuse me of refusing to communicate openly and honesty. What I saw as tact and polite wording, he saw as avoiding, hiding, and sugar-coating what I was really thinking, and what I didn't like about his tone was his refusal to use tact and sugar-coating.

We both had to learn to understand and respect the other's natural style of communication without assuming the worst. We had to trust each other and talk about everything openly including what we were thinking that we didn't want the other to know we were thinking.

That kind of communication is extremely difficult, but it's so worth it. I started being less judgemental about imperfect tone, when my husband told me how hurt he was when I complained about his tone or wording. He said, "whenever there's two ways I could have meant something, couldn't you assume I mean the loving one?" And with tone, I would try to explain what his words sounded like to me (usually by exaggerating the tone) and his eyes would tear up or he'd get angry and say "do you really think I said/meant it that way).

Tone is important, but intention is even more important, but to get at that, you both have to be willing and able to communicate openly and honestly.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:08 PM   #19
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I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings. You know you're fat, right? Of course you do, Do you need him to point it out to you in such an insensitive way? Of course not. I personally think he was being a jerk. I don't think anyone was playing the "I'm tiny" game. I think wives are more important than chairs and my husband of nearly 15 years would let me break 10 chairs (and replace them happily) before hurting my feelings like that. For the record, at my largest I never broke a chair so the OP is probably safe. I'm sure the OP is literate and could have read the weight recommendations herself and made an informed decision therein. I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.

Marriage is supposed to be a soft place to land. My husband doesn't lie to me, but he is kind. He knows that I know I am large -- he doesn't need to point it out to me and never has. It's one of many things I adore about him. Every woman deserves a man to love her for who she is -- especially since he obviously married you at a larger size. Why do you allow him to treat you with such callousness? You can get that crap from strangers and people in the world. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic. (ETA: my husband is 'regular' sized and is drop-dead gorgeous -- just for reference sake.)
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:17 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by kaplods View Post
Unfortunately tone doesn't always correlate with intention, which is harder to determine.

In the early years of our marriage, my husband and I had great difficulty communicating. We argued often because I didn't like his tone, and he would accuse me of refusing to communicate openly and honesty. What I saw as tact and polite wording, he saw as avoiding, hiding, and sugar-coating what I was really thinking, and what I didn't like about his tone was his refusal to use tact and sugar-coating.

We both had to learn to understand and respect the other's natural style of communication without assuming the worst. We had to trust each other and talk about everything openly including what we were thinking that we didn't want the other to know we were thinking.

That kind of communication is extremely difficult, but it's so worth it. I started being less judgemental about imperfect tone, when my husband told me how hurt he was when I complained about his tone or wording. He said, "whenever there's two ways I could have meant something, couldn't you assume I mean the loving one?" And with tone, I would try to explain what his words sounded like to me (usually by exaggerating the tone) and his eyes would tear up or he'd get angry and say "do you really think I said/meant it that way).

Tone is important, but intention is even more important, but to get at that, you both have to be willing and able to communicate openly and honestly.
Yes! Such great observation and advice! I like to tell younger friends in the beginning of their marriage: men are not mind readers!l but the truth is, none of us are, but we usually act in a way that blames the other person for any disagreement.

My hubby and I have worked for years and year on communication. I also do the "very exaggerated rephrasing" of what I THINK he said, while not blaming him or freaking out. We also frequently put expectations flat out on the table. I don't understand the "romance" of trying to guess what the other person wants/needs. After years of establishing patterns of behavior and likes/dislikes, we are at the stage where we can pretty accurately GUESS, in terms of a gift, food preference, etc. But I'll be darned if we still shock the you-know-what out of each other all the time during our discussions.

And I love the previously stated concept of not assigning motive to words and actions that you have not done. Always try to assume the BEST, calmly talk it out, and 9 times out of 10, it really does work out. Plus now you've learned even more valuable info about one another. Repeat, repeat, repeat!!

I am very sorry that your feelings were hurt. Mine would be, too. Be he didn't hurt your feelings. You allowed something he said to be taken as negative. We are all guilty of this constantly! Congrats...you are human! Depression is a mean beast, and it does color your world grey. I hope you can speak with your doctor, a counselor or a trusted friend about options for managing your depression. It can be very nearly impossible to solve other issues without dealing with that.

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Old 05-30-2013, 08:19 PM   #21
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I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings. You know you're fat, right? Of course you do, Do you need him to point it out to you in such an insensitive way? Of course not. I personally think he was being a jerk. I don't think anyone was playing the "I'm tiny" game. I think wives are more important than chairs and my husband of nearly 15 years would let me break 10 chairs (and replace them happily) before hurting my feelings like that. For the record, at my largest I never broke a chair so the OP is probably safe. I'm sure the OP is literate and could have read the weight recommendations herself and made an informed decision therein. I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.

Marriage is supposed to be a soft place to land. My husband doesn't lie to me, but he is kind. He knows that I know I am large -- he doesn't need to point it out to me and never has. It's one of many things I adore about him. Every woman deserves a man to love her for who she is -- especially since he obviously married you at a larger size. Why do you allow him to treat you with such callousness? You can get that crap from strangers and people in the world. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest advocate, not your biggest critic. (ETA: my husband is 'regular' sized and is drop-dead gorgeous -- just for reference sake.)
By letting you figuratively break 10 chairs....he would be lying to you by omission. That is the "lets pretend I am tiny game", is it not?
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:26 PM   #22
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I disagree with the "it's the truth, he didn't do anything wrong" sentiments. Clearly, he was saying it to hurt your feelings...
I don't think for one second your husband was trying to "save" you from being injured.
If he had been "clearly" trying to hurt her feelings, there would not have been the long pause OP described, and he would not have started with, "There's no easy way to say this".

Op should know his intentions better than any of us - which I alluded to by telling her to "dump the turdball" if she knew his intention was to wound.

Unfortunately I have broken several chairs and have been injured by those chairs (and twice by laminate wood toilet seats - and the second time had to ask hubby to remove the splinters from my inner thigh - now that's unconditional love).

One chair fall at work could have injured me severely, because the chair broke in such a way that a jagged piece of metal cut me deeply along my arm from mybwrist halfway to my elbow. I twizted my ankle and reinjured my back as well (filing the workman's comp forms was deeply embarassing, but I couldn't get around that because I had to leave to get medical treatment. Even worse, HR had to send an "ergonomics team" to my workstation to "teach me" how to sit in a chair properly and asked my weight and measure me - all in front of my coworkers, so they could order me a chair that would "meet my special needs."
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:50 PM   #23
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Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it because it just would never happen here -- admittedly, I know how blessed I am to have the husband I do. Maybe I'm way too sensitive to it because if my husband told me not to sit in "his" chair because I'm too fat for it and would break it, it would be absolutely *shocking* to me because that's never been his way. His way would have been to purchase a chair we both could enjoy to avoid possibly hurting me, and I'm so grateful for that. Every woman deserves that, and I pray that for you OP.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:52 PM   #24
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I'm so sorry those things happened to you, Kaplods. That's terrible . I was just speaking in the context of how I felt the husband's intention was in saying that. I don't think it was coming from a place of unconditional love, but hey, I don't know the entire story or marriage. I hope you understand I am empathetic to what you've shared, and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
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Old 05-30-2013, 08:56 PM   #25
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I don't accept that referring to a person's size has anything to do with criticism or the presence or absence of unconditional love or acceptance, anymore than referring to height or shoe size.

When I first began dating my husband, I had to undo a lot of psychological damage previous women had done to him with trick questions and various versions of the "let's pretend" game. I thought I had broken him of the habit of thinking I was too emotionally fragile and delicate to accept honesty, and every once in a while I still see that panicked, deer-in-headlight stare.

Recently, we were at Walmart, and I realized I had forgotten to put on deodorant. I could smell my own B.O. but wanted to know if it was noticeable to others. leaned to my husband and asked him if I smelled, and the look he shot me was pure shock and rage. I tried to joke, saying with a smile, "Well, I think that answers my question."

Instead of breaking the tension as I'd hoped, he became enraged and wouldn't speak or even look at me until we were in the car. He had tears in his eyes and demanded "How could you put me in that position."

He literally thought I was "setting him up" with a no-win question so I could be angry with him for being a jerk. You could just SEE the broken-heartedness in his face.

This is the same guy whose mother tried to talk me out of marrying because he was just like his tactless, Narcissistic, SOB father, her ex-husband.

I'll take my honest-to-a-fault husband over one who will tell me whatever I want to hear regardless of the truth.
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Old 05-30-2013, 09:00 PM   #26
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Maybe I'm just reading way too much into it because it just would never happen here -- admittedly, I know how blessed I am to have the husband I do. Maybe I'm way too sensitive to it because if my husband told me not to sit in "his" chair because I'm too fat for it and would break it, it would be absolutely *shocking* to me because that's never been his way. His way would have been to purchase a chair we both could enjoy to avoid possibly hurting me, and I'm so grateful for that. Every woman deserves that, and I pray that for you OP.
I could have written this post. I always assume that everyone has a husband just like I do (the most amazing, caring, sweet man in the world) and then when I hear what my friends and family go through, I know how very blessed I am.
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Old 05-30-2013, 09:10 PM   #27
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Jolly..... Maybe you and your husband should sit and have a quiet moment with each other. Ask him to really listen to you (kindly said) and tell him that he really hurt your feelings. If he responds in a kind sincere manner, then he really most likely did not mean it. But if he acts any way that is hurtful or rude... well then you have your answer. I don't know what your conversations have been in your relationship or if you know each others triggers and push them sometimes.... - but you have been with him for a few years.. there must have been and hopefully still is a connection... But again... if he chooses to not listen or responds incorrectly to what you are trying so hard for him to understand.. then...................
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Old 05-30-2013, 09:19 PM   #28
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"...respect of being my own literate woman capable of deciding what chair I will or won't sit in, OR have bought a chair we both can comfortable enjoy."
^This is what it boils down to. Not saying his words merit divorce, but they were at the very least thoughtless...and obviously hurtful regardless of their intention. Just MO here, but I would say, speak with your husband honestly, frankly, and calmly about your feelings...if that is not possible than perhaps there are bigger issues that need to be addressed. I'm sorry you were hurt. Hug.
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Old 05-30-2013, 09:24 PM   #29
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I'll take my honest-to-a-fault husband over one who will tell me whatever I want to hear regardless of the truth.
But I think the difference is Kaplods, that the OP didn't ask (like you did in your deodorant example). When I ask, my husband is honest with me. I don't need to ask him if I am overweight... I already know :P LOL So, to me him pointing it out in a way that hurts my feelings would be a jerk thing to do (and would never happen because he isn't at all like that). I have asked him if an outfit looked better on me than another or if X outfit was more flattering than Y -- and he is totally honest with me. I've asked him if he thought I would fit in a ride or whatever, and he is totally honest with me -- usually saying that we'll check out someone my size going first and if we agree they're my size and can make it, so can I. Stuff like that. In a kind, loving way. He doesn't just "tell me whatever I want to hear" but gives me respect enough not to offer unsolicited opinions on issues that are sensitive to me. I do the same. We trust that each are grown, capable adults able to see ourselves clearly in the mirror and don't need someone pointing out the obvious in a hurtful way.

I think the bottom line issue to me is that we consider each other in this marriage. If my husband was mad tall (he's average height) I would consider furniture and whatnot that helped him be comfortable. I wouldn't buy a miniature car. I would put the car seat behind my seat because I'm short and let him move it back for leg room. Same with me. My husband would have totally gotten the larger capacity chair without me even knowing (I mean, until I saw it). Just because he is considerate of who I am. We don't "claim" furniture for ourselves then tell others we are too _____ for it. It's just not part of our marriage to be that way. If the deodorant thing happened, he would tell me, no biggie. Again though, that's not an issue most people spend decades coming to terms or acceptance about so it's a bit different. LOL
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Old 05-30-2013, 09:29 PM   #30
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I could have written this post. I always assume that everyone has a husband just like I do (the most amazing, caring, sweet man in the world) and then when I hear what my friends and family go through, I know how very blessed I am.
For real. We are blessed.
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