[needchangenow]

The only person who makes me feel like complete **** about my weight is my dad. Other than my weight he is an amazing father, I have zero complaints...zero. Just want to put the out there first. I don't know exactly when his judging my weight started, as I've been chubby since the 2nd grade, and only in the past couple years (now 26) can I remember him saying things. He has done little things in the past like squeezed the top of my arm, without words I knew what he was thinking, wow thats a big arm. He bought me an pedometer, I acted excited, thanks dad. I used it for a few weeks. Once when we were sitting at the kitchen table (I haven't lived with him since I was 18...I was just visiting) he looked down at both his leg and my leg and sort of compared the size of our thighs. Now that was all when I was 200lbs and felt good about myself. I'm now 235..yes down 4lbs since I joined this website. Today is his birthday. Yesterday we all went to the park, canoeing, picnic, etc. I should mention I am very careful about what I eat in front of him, just because I don't want to be judged. He had 2 or 3 cookies yesterday, I had none, but then I came home and had a few, bad because I've been doing so good watching what I eat, but I was upset. No excuse, I know. He had a full plate of food, I had turkey with light mayo on a flatbread, not a roll, no potato salad...basically I would have eaten a little bit more if I were say with my boyfriend or mom...friends..etc. So lunch goes fine because the fat girl didn't gorge her face and he had nothing to say about it. But then we go canoeing (we are talking 1980's canoe and ancient orange around the neck life jackets, which we were only wearing to set a good example for my 4yr old nephew who was in the canoe with us) and as I'm putting on the life jacket I lift up what looks like a child size one and say "really dad? this isn't going to fit." And I hear him say quietly, "they don't make them that big". I'm not sure if anyone else heard it, but it was mean, and not something I would ever expect to come from my dad, ever. I said nothing, we canoed, had a great day. I basically forgot about it until I got home and the excitement was over. I cried a little. Got over it. I thought.
I just called him now to say happy birthday, after a little conversation he says, "so...do you make it a point to wear your pedometer every day?" I'm said no. And then he goes on to say some other stuff that I kind of just tuned out and I said OK dad Ok dad to each statement, which were probably something along the lines of how important it is to get 10,000 steps a day and yadda yadda. And then he says "I haven't gone for my walk yet today, do you want to go?" I said, "No I already did an hour of zumba." He said, "so?" I lied. I hadn't done zumba yet today, and at this point have lost any desire to. Truth is I don't want to go for a walk with him, because I constantly feel judged by him. He power walks, not to say I can't keep up, I'm 26. I will easily keep up, I might be out of breath, but I'll keep going. But I have a hard time even getting dressed to go see him because I'm afraid certain outfits make me looks bigger, or you can see a roll here or there. I do not feel this way AT ALL going anywhere else. I go to my moms who has a pool in the summers and wear a bathing suit in front of her and my step-dad no problem. I go out on our boat with my boyfriend, brother, niece and nephew, no problem. I would probably wear a sundress on the boat or at the pool around my dad. I wouldn't ever be in a bathing suit, or even shorts around him. That doesn't make sense...he's my dad! So anyways, as he's going on about exercising and being healthy I said "dad I am healthy, whether you think so or not." Which was sort of my way of saying shut up please, and it's true, other than being overweight, I have no health problems....yet. I'm sure if I stayed this size as I got older I'd run into some issues, but as of now and for being obese my whole life all my stats are great. So shut up dad. I'm not sure he knows how much I struggle. I am constantly dieting, constantly. I finally a week or 2 ago decided to stop with al these fad diets and just BE HEALTHY. Eat healthy, it's simple. I may not shed 10lbs in a week, but it'll come off slowly, and hopefully stay off. I am trying to be more active. I'm in the process of purchasing an elliptical. I actually posted on here last night asking about a certain brand. I at one point said to him "Dad I'm 26....." I dont remember but basically I got this. His little speeches about being healthy just make me sad. I KNOW how to work out, how to eat healthy...etc. I don't need my dad to tell me how. And I certainly don't need my dad to put me down and make me think even more about my weight than I already do.

Sorry I went a little off. Just venting. I couldn't say anything to him today because it's his birthday. I know he could tell I got a little upset on the phone, because he ended up saying "well I figured we could just talk while we walked instead of talking on the phone." Then said "well keep looking at cars and let me know if you find one you like locally and Ill go with you if you want to look at it, love you, talk to you later!" in a really happy upbeat voice. Lol.

Ive been wanting to say something to him for a while, but I feel like he's going to say something like, "if your so sensitive about it then do something about it". Like it's just that easy. I just want him to understand that nobody makes me feel like that. I am not self-conscious in front of anyone but him and his wife. I always feel like they are looking me up and down judging my size. I tried to ignore it...I don't know what to do now.

I just want to add that someone on here told me to be happy with me and the size I am now, which is hard, Im OK with the size I am now, but I don't feel good. I am not uncomfortable around others though, I don't feel like people look at me and think omg she's so big, but I do feel like my dad thinks that, so it's really hard for me to be around him. He just bought a vacation home in FL and invited us there, they have a vaca home in cape cod and invite us there every summer and I always have an excuse, all because I am so uncomfortable around them. But I could talk to him for hours on the phone! He lives 3 mins away btw, and I maybe see him once or twice a month. I would love to see him weekly, and I would love to go walking with him, but I sooo don't want to be judged!

[PreciousMissy]

Originally Posted by needchangenow

I just want him to understand that nobody makes me feel like that. I am not self-conscious in front of anyone but him and his wife. I always feel like they are looking me up and down judging my size.

I would start with that .

There's also the blunt version "I'm working on it and having you make me feel bad about myself isn't helping." Disclaimer: I could be projecting...my dad use to call me thunder thighs.

[needchangenow]

Originally Posted by PreciousMissy

I would start with that .

There's also the blunt version "I'm working on it and having you make me feel bad about myself isn't helping." Disclaimer: I could be projecting...my dad use to call me thunder thighs.

Thunder thighs! Me too!! I never took it as a bad thing though because that was back when I played softball and soccer so my legs were solid. I was still chubby though.

That's exactly what I'll say. Thank you! And thank you for reading my whole long drawn out like story of sadness. It sucks so bad I even have to talk to him about anything like this, because seriously he's my rock when it comes to everything else, it's like why don't you get that this is hurtful??

[SuperHeroTeacher]

I'm sorry you're feeling judged by someone who should love you unconditionally. Do you think it's possible that he is truly worried for your future health and it's just coming across as judgemental? It sounds like he's a pretty great dad, maybe he's uncomfortable or nervous talking to you about something that makes you so uncomfortable. I agree with the other posters - have a direct conversation with him about it - you might be surprised.

[needchangenow]

Yeah I don't know, he could be worried about my health, maybe. I would have believed that if he said flat out, "Im worried about your health" rather than beating around the bush, and that little life jacket comment yesterday really threw me off. He is not the type to be uncomfortable talking about things. I think he'd just say it if it was really a health concern. I think what he wants to say is you look gross and fat, but can't. He's walked up to my brother who is now getting a little belly, little, and will kinda pat it and say geeze J your really packing on the pounds! But he probably knows its not acceptable to say that to a woman.
He use to feed me crap when I was younger. I remember eating chicken pot pies (have you ever read those labels??) pizza nights...ice cream? All the stuff I would never eat now, except ice cream He is remarried to a lady who weighs 95lbs, not joking. She is TINY. She power walks with my dad everyday a few miles, lifts weights, nibbles on salad for dinner and maybe eats a yogurt during her 12hr shifts as a nurse where she also does laps in the parking lot on her lunch. My step-mom is a nice women, but she might be borderline eating disorder. Her family has great genes to begin with, her sisters are all thin and dont even try. She goes above and beyond, I don't even know why. It's part of her personality I think. So they married when I was 16...a lot of his remarks have started over the past few years and may totally be due to what he now see's as "normal". Although she is not normal, she is severely underweight. I look at my mom as normal, a very healthy size 8-10 maybe, my dad has remarked that my mom looks fat (well he use to be married to her and never thought she was fat then). He makes comments about other women to, like on TV. I wish I could remember who he was talking about a while back, but he mentioned how big this person was, and I was baffled. My cousin has always been thin recently lost 20lbs and now looks like model, not kidding, very thin, not too thin though. She was never heavy, maybe 130 at her "heaviest" and 5'2. We were talking about how great she looks and he said "yeah she was getting pretty chunky" referring to her before. What??!! It's like his perception is way off.

I think even if I lost the 40lbs I'd like to lose, and I was happy, still overweight, but happy and reached MY goal. He would still have something to say. Because I would still equal TWO of his wife.

[crispin]

All that would hurt me too. I think you're right that his wife's affected his perception of what's "normal." I also think he likely doesn't realize how hurtful his comments are.

I know having a heart to heart over this would be difficult. How about a letter? I think it's important that you let him know his comments don't help you, they just sting. You could let him know that because he is such a great dad and b/c you do love him so much, his critical comments really hit you hard. Assure him that you're aware of your weight and are working as hard as you can to be fit and healthy, and are doing it in a healthy, sustainable way.

I honestly think some people don't comprehend how much pain their judgement causes. Do you think your dad would stop if he knew that his comments don't help but only hurt?

[fadedbluejeans]

I think your dad IS judging you. But there is absolutely nothing you can do about that, so it really doesn't matter why. You only control you. If you want to lose weight, you know what to do, keep working on it. I spent a lot of years being upset about my father until I realized he is who he is and I can't change him, only how I react to him. If I had come to that realization at 26 rather than 40 something, I would have been a whole lot better off Keep up the good work.

[elvislover324]

I know exactly what you are going through having issues with your dad and my heart breaks for you.

I have issues with my dad (some weight related, some other issues) but the bottom line for me finally was that it was toxic, negative talking and I couldn't take it anymore. No one has the right to speak to us like that, whether a parent, sibling, child, friend, person off the street.

I love my dad, his health isn't great, God only knows how long either of us have on this earth. But I'll be damned that I would spend one more minute in my life with anything negative being said. Don't get me wrong. My dad is one of the best men I know. He's smart, he's funny, he loves his children more than anything in life. But the negative dark cloud that he gets under is enough to tip me over and I had to go make my own sunshine.

There will be a day in my life that I regret how things were handled but you know what? There is really nothing I can do about it and I had to stop trying. My dad is never going to change, he's never taking orders from his children (or my mom), he's just going to be a grumpy old man. And it's been like this for years. He's only 62 and it's been this way for a long time.

I'm not saying to cut your dad out of your life. But you have to do what is right for you and it's ok to do that.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by needchangenow

I am so uncomfortable around them. But I could talk to him for hours on the phone! He lives 3 mins away btw, and I maybe see him once or twice a month. I would love to see him weekly, and I would love to go walking with him, but I sooo don't want to be judged!

Will all due respect to the fadedbluejeans - or anyone who says your dad won't change, so don't bother trying - I don't agree. I mean, she could be right. But she is admittedly basing her advice on her personal experiences. (i.e., my dad did not change, yours won't either). Just because her dad didn't change doesn't mean your dad would not. I think its worth it to try. Maybe you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and lay this out for him. Its one thing to rebuff his judgmental comments so that he knows you don't like it.... but its another thing to tell him that you would love to spend more time with him, if only he did not make you feel bad about yourself. That might make him cut out the judgmental comments.

As a dad with three kids aged 3 to 8 who is enjoying the heck out of them while they're at those ages, I **HOPE** with all my heart that they remain as close to my wife and I, and to each other, as my brother, sister and I have stayed close as a family to each other. I feel lucky to see my parents on a weekly basis. In other families, some kids move all the way cross country and only see each other one or twice a year for holidays or special occasions. That would kill me. As a dad, I would feel really bad if I found out that one of my kids didn't want to be around me because of something I do or say to them makes them feel bad. If I ever did that, and they told me, I'd stop what I was doing right away and make things right. Maybe your dad would too.

[Arctic Mama]

My dad is similar, though much nicer in his delivery. He was always concerned about my weight and trying to get me to lose, including getting me things like sporting goods and weight loss pills to prompt it. He didn't mean anything by it, but was deathly afraid of me becoming obese like his brother and mother (I did).

What he didn't understand was that I would be completely unable to lose weight until I was good and ready to do so, and not a moment sooner. Then when I was ready, I started and haven't stopped since. But no amount of his good intentions would help, and heckling certainly wouldn't. This is where setting a boundary (lovingly) is probably a good idea for both of you - let your dad know firmly and calmly that your weight isn't up for discussion, either directly or obliquely, and that the most loving and supportive thing he can do is keep his mouth shut regarding food, exercise, and body size. If he cannot manage that, then you will have to implement some action to protection yourself - like shutting down the conversation when it strays to that topic or bluntly pointing out that it isn't up for discussion if he mentions something. If he truly cannot be respectful and continues treating you unkindly, it may call for actually leaving the room or event. Something to drive home the point that he is hurting you and it isn't appropriate, even if he is your father and you love and respect him.

Boundaries are healthy and they almost always improve interactions in families. Especially if he isn't intending to hurt you, pointing it out plainly and enforcing a more loving and respectful communication on the subject should be welcome, not opposed.

[fadedbluejeans]

Originally Posted by joefla70

Will all due respect to the fadedbluejeans - or anyone who says your dad won't change, so don't bother trying - I don't agree.

I didn't say anything about whether he could/would change, and I didn't say don't bother trying. I said she can't control him, she can only control herself - which remains true, whether she decides to have a heart to heart, send a letter, or continue with status quo. And of course my opinion is colored by my own experience - everyone's is.

[elvislover324]

Originally Posted by fadedbluejeans

I didn't say anything about whether he could/would change, and I didn't say don't bother trying. I said she can't control him, she can only control herself - which remains true, whether she decides to have a heart to heart, send a letter, or continue with status quo. And of course my opinion is colored by my own experience - everyone's is.

I agree with fadedbluejeans. My dad is always going to be "the dad" in our relationship and will never "take orders" (his words) from any of his children. It doesn't matter if I'm 75 years old and he's 100, he's is still going to act like my dad. There is no letter, heart-to-heart talk, crying fit that is going to change the way my dad acts. There was a time where he was like Joefla and wanted everything perfect. But then life happens, depression happens, alcohol happens, death happens and life isn't the pretty picture that we all want. And to come full circle, I can only control what I do/say/subject myself to, no one else.

I don't say this to cause an argument or go against anyone else's opinion here. I just don't want the OP to think it's something she can "make" her dad do. She really can't...unless he wants to. And it gets exhausting trying to break someone else's habits nevermind our own habits.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by fadedbluejeans

I didn't say anything about whether he could/would change, and I didn't say don't bother trying. I said she can't control him, she can only control herself - which remains true, whether she decides to have a heart to heart, send a letter, or continue with status quo. And of course my opinion is colored by my own experience - everyone's is.

I didn't mean to upset you, and certainly don't want to antagonize you. But you kinda did say it when you said "I spent a lot of years being upset about my father until I realized he is who he is and I can't change him, only how I react to him."

OP said she would like to have more of a relationship with her dad. The advice you gave her is great if her dad is incapable of change and will continue to say things to her to make her feel bad. But if there is a chance he can change if OP sits him down and has a heart-to-heart with him where she tells him how his comments make her feel, I say its worth it to try before she gives up on having a closer relationship with him and settles for just dealing with the status quo.

I understand that opinion can be colored by your own experience, but its also possible to remain objective. My opinion is partially colored by my experience.

[joefla70]

Originally Posted by elvislover324

I agree with fadedbluejeans. My dad is always going to be "the dad" in our relationship and will never "take orders" (his words) from any of his children. It doesn't matter if I'm 75 years old and he's 100, he's is still going to act like my dad. There is no letter, heart-to-heart talk, crying fit that is going to change the way my dad acts. There was a time where he was like Joefla and wanted everything perfect. But then life happens, depression happens, alcohol happens, death happens and life isn't the pretty picture that we all want. And to come full circle, I can only control what I do/say/subject myself to, no one else.

I don't say this to cause an argument or go against anyone else's opinion here. I just don't want the OP to think it's something she can "make" her dad do. She really can't...unless he wants to. And it gets exhausting trying to break someone else's habits nevermind our own habits.

Elvis... you are agreeing with Faded because you too are bringing your personal experiences into the equation. People are not homogeneous! They are unique and nuanced. To bring my experiences into the fold, my dad is very much like yours in MOST ways. (The weird thing is that he used to be worse and has gotten a little more mellow as he's aged.) But for whatever reason, when it came to the issue of my weight, he has been more sensitive and supportive, and not critical.

My experience was very similar to what Artic Mama described. My dad often talked to me about my weight. But until I was ready to do something, all that talk didn't matter. My dad is very forceful in his opinions on a lot of things. With the weight, he came at it with a more sensitive approach that he would normally use. But my dad is the type of person who does not react well when his opinions are scoffed it. I don't know if OP's dad is like that. So, that is why I framed my advice the way I did. Sure, if you tell someone who doesn't like to be "controlled" or "take orders" - or generally doesn't take well to criticism in any form - to stop doing something, they may take it the wrong way or over-react in such a way that they feel like they are being attacked. However, if OP approaches this properly, she might be able to get her point across without making him feel like he is being attacked and, thus, less likely to react the wrong way. Now, OP's dad might not be like our dads are, and maybe he wouldn't react poorly in any event.

[ichoose2believe]

First I wanna give you a big ol'

I typed up a lot but then decided... I am gonna just give you another