Join Date: May 2013
Writing it all out
I dont know where to start, but feel like I need to get it out. I have always been overwieght, of course it got worse once I had my first child, then the second. I got tired of it, and started slowly to cut things out of my diet, then added exercise slowly, before I knew it I was a "junkie". But, I still wasn't loosing weight, started seeing a doctor came down to hypotyroidism. Started medications, started loosing! I eventually lost 90 lbs, I felt fantastic but still wanted to get down one more pant size, that fabulous size 8.
I was almost there, my pants were getting looser every day, until one day they werent. In fact, they were getting tight. I examined everything and I mean everything I was doing, could not understand why now my pants were not fitting! I was at work one evening and someone saw me and reached their hand out to touch my belly, saying your pregnant.. I was of course appauled, jerked away and told them no I was just fat! That evening, I started thinking, the next day I took a test, and another, after about 5 they must be defective tests, I realized my birth control may have failed me, maybe I wasnt feeling tired and nauseous from the flu, maybe I was pregnant, again!
By the time I was ready to deliver my twins, yes it was twins. I was on bed rest, I had gone from working out 2 times a day to not walking. You can imagine what that did for me, and add the 75lbs I gained from the pregnancy to that and you see what you've got. But alas, the doctor on call wanted to do one more thing for my fantastic figure, a vertical c-section. I swear I sometime mistake my "what use to be abdominals" for my "booty".
I moved in with my fiance, and its been an adjustement for everyone, I love it and I love him not saying that but its caused its share of turmoil. His family who once liked me, now loathes the thought of us getting married because well he was the only boy mommy had. Anyways, WHOLE OTHER SUBJECT with that, my boys who are both very healthy and I thank God every day that he blessed me with their smiles, did have some medical issues. Both of them, one and then the other, it just always seemed like something. This helped me lose my job of 7 years pretty quickly, not that with paying a sitter I was making much extra anyways I guess. But no health insurance for me. I'm also trying to finish up my degree, and all of this was wearing on me heavily.
All the changes, spiraled me into what I can only classify as depression. And now, here I am stuck with all of my fat, extra twin skin, ugly scars, and tired eyes. I hate myself, I'm positive my fiance could not possibly love me, I sure wouldn't love me looking like this. It's ruining our relationship, it's ruining me. With not health insurance I sure am not going to be getting my hypothyroidism medications back anytime soon, which means I will continue to struggle to lose wight no matter what I do. I can't stand the body that I have become, and now it's gotten to the point that I don't want to leave the house. I dont want to go out on dates or in public even with my fiance, is I so much as even notice him look at another girl it's got me on a rollercoaster of emotions that I wish to avoid. But also, I don't feel worthy enough to be me, to be outside, to be anywhere really.
I know its a lot, but I feel like I just need some sort of support, I don't have anyone I can talk to, maybe I'm just having a really bad day, IDK.