I find myself down over 50 lbs. Woke up today at 179.5, but I won't change my ticker until I see it a bunch more times. I should feel happy, but instead I feel lost and confused.
I'm 2/3 of the way to my original goal. And all I can think of is:
1) Should I readjust my goal to something like 145?
2) What's going to happen with all the extra skin if I reach goal too quickly. Maybe I should slow down.
3) Making it to goal probably won't make me any happier. Why am I doing this again?
I mean it's so weird, but I'm actually feeling apprehensive. Like I don't really want to get to my 160 lb goal. Because I'm afraid it won't be enough or I'll have too much skin, or I'll have some other issue that will prevent me from wearing a swim suit in front of other living breathing people. I mean, it was super, super hard to begin this journey. And it was super hard not to give up in the beginning. But now that I've been focusing on this for several months (actually started trying last September), I think I figured out what actually works for me. And I know how my body readjusts its set point over time. Reaching goal, for the first time ever in my life, seems doable.
Why am I not happy? Why do I want to slow down? Why do I feel the same as I did when I started? And why doesn't that cute guy look at me?!?
For as much as I have achieved and dangit I've achieved a lot. Aside from the weight loss, I've increased my endurance, I've joined a dance class and will be dancing on TV next month, I've registered for a mud run/obstacle course, I've run longer and faster than I ever thought possible. I've taken chances and cut my hair into a short style I've wanted to do for ages and it turned out great. I dyed my hair super red and it also turned out great. I've made a boatload of friends while on this journey. I've increased my strength and I've gone to the gym for 84 consecutive days (there is a contest at my gym) and I've proven to myself that I can push myself and not give up.
But still... Although some days I feel strong, most days I just feel unpretty. I missed out on being the pretty girl because I was too busy being the fat girl. I feel like it's too late for me. Like I wasted my teens and 20s being fat. And even if I did win some phenomenal makeover at the end of my weight loss journey I still wouldn't have the confidence to date. I spent so many years watching the guys go after the petite girls, that I can't imagine anyone of quality would really want me. I'm not "girly." I'm too big and too strong. I'm not quiet, I don't care about fashion, I like action movies, I like to tell jokes, I like to tell engaging stories and I like to eat meat, not salads. I love karaoke and going to the arcade so I can shoot two guns at the same time. I'm opinionated, observant and critical, but I'm also conscientious, protective and empathetic. Ya never know what you're gonna get. But the media has finally gotten to me. I feel like I'm not pretty or desirable, because I don't have a small frame, perky boobs, a flat stomach, perfect make up, Vidal Sassoon hair and nails that never chip. I box, I dance, I sing, I'm smart and I'm entertaining, but it's never going to mean anything because the container that holds all of this isn't commercially beautiful. My friends say I'm too hard on myself. And yeah, I guess I am. But I can't help how I feel.
Congratulations on your loss
Seems like a bit of fear of the unknown. 50lbs is a huge deal and you should celebrate this accomplishment in you own way. If 160 is what you feel you will be happy with then so be it, that is your body, not somebody else's who feel you should be thinner.
It's never too late to be the pretty girl no matter your age, weight or hight. Maybe you should do things for yourself that make you feel pretty, and try to do some confidence boosting exercises, like looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are pretty. Seems like your confidence level may have played a big part in why you are not dating. Try to perk up, you are worth celebrating!
I hope I'm not sounding harsh, because its coming from a good place
Your post reminds me a lot of my sister when she was in her late-20's early 30's. she had so much negative self image issues that even after she lost a significant amount of weight, she couldn't get the negative self-talk out of her head and it affected all aspects of her life. Seeing a counselor worked wonders for her.
It's amazing to me how we can be so much harder on ourselves than we would ever allow anyone else to be.
I respectfully disagree with you, I think with some professional help you CAN change how you feel and think about yourself. You should be celebrating your accomplishments, not worrying about how they will negatively effect you.
see if you can find a course or workshop on cognitive behavioural therapy. It is based on the idea that we get automatic negative thoughts and that by looking at them and figuring out the real evidence for whether they are true or false we can then come up with a heathier more balanced versions of these automatic thoughts. There is also a workbook you can buy. It can really make a difference with negative self talk
I'm sorry you are having a rough time with all of this. You have doing amazing things for yourself weightwise, healthwise, and achieving awesome goals.
The description you gave at the end of all the things you like to do sounds like you'd be a lot of men's dreamgirl. You actually sound like you love to have so much fun and that's HUGE. Not every guy wants a girly girl but I have a feeling you are much prettier and feminine than you let us know in this post. I can tell from the things you wrote here and in other posts on 3FC that you are a beautiful person on the inside and out, I hope you embrace it and let the world see it.
We are here to listen and try to help you in any way we can. I hope today is an easier day for you.
I'm not quiet, I don't care about fashion, I like action movies, I like to tell jokes, I like to tell engaging stories and I like to eat meat, not salads.
I sometimes feel there's something wrong with me because I don't like action movies. EVERYONE is supposed to like action movies, even girly girls. But I don't. They leave me cold. We can't win, eh?
I Should Be Celebrating - What Is Wrong With Me?
