WOW. I don't even know where to begin!
I am one day away from starting the second part of the Last Chance Workout (woo!) Fridays are not my weigh in day but I just felt ...lean! So, of course, I pop on the scale before my workout and NOTHING. Not a damn change since Sunday.
I instantly downward spiralled. "Why isn't it working?!", I asked myself. I write to people all the time about how some people lose more weight every OTHER week, etc., but I just started to think...maybe I am sabotaging myself somehow. I see other dieters at work eating white bread and having ranch dressing on their salad, and I am 100% positive I am not doing anything like that BUT, tell that to an irrational woman at 7 am who thinks she's fat.
This whole journey and fear of failure is just AGONIZING! I have been as close to perfect as I am going to get since January 1st. I KNOW it's only been 2 weeks, and I should celebrate that I've lost 6 pounds....but I'm frustrated. I'm scared, really. I am hydrating, no sugar, white flour, alcohol, workouts 6x a week, eating 2 tbsp of flax seed a day- NADA.
THEN I finished my first season of the Biggest Loser (Season 3). I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR ALL THE CRYING!! It was great to see people feeling the way I feel, and I will admit- the show sucked when people started to weigh less than me! Haha it did get inspirational again, shortly after.
So, after thinking about my workout ALL day, I finally sucked it up and did it. AND I rocked it. I ate healthy, I hydrated- I feel like I am doing it right.
It's just SO scary thinking "what if this effort is for nothing?" I told myself not to expect changes until my February 3 weigh in. I will take some pics then and then compare.
My head is just...what if, what if, what if. I ran my first marathon last May (before an injury, moving to the Arctic, and then the weight gain) and it too was a HUGE emotional, mental battle. I was always a bigger girl and achieving that was like climbing Everest. I said "What's the hardest thing I could ever do?" and marathon running was on my life's to do list. I made that happen. So I KNOW I can make this happen.
But I want it now. And just as I sobbed through that journey and cried daily picturing both failure and success, that's what today looked like.
I have to remember that I did cross that finish line in May though. I just need to keep affirming to myself that this is yet another finish line.
What. A. Day. <3