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Old 01-04-2013, 10:34 PM   #1
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Default Dont know how to handle this.

Soo, I have been pretty "chubby" my entire life. I am used to being told by my friends, and especially my parents and family that I am fat and that I need to take care of it. Because of this constant belittling through my childhood I don't really know how to handle positive attention.

I am 6 feet tall and went through puberty early (11) and so I have always been on the "mature" end of my grade, and I remember junior high kids started to date and I was always like "high school, high school just wait until high school" but, here I am, 18, a senior in high school graduating in May and yet STILL no boyfriends or anything close to them. I know this is normal. I try not to think about it too much. I know boys are probably intimidated?

Basically, Im just having one of those days where I feel like something is wrong with me. Most of the time Im happy Im not dating so I don't have to deal with the drama but today is just one of those hard days. I feel like I just am so lonely, and when I finally DO find a boy who say, wants to kiss me, I will have no idea how to have a relationship or anything like that because I have zero experience (never even held hands!) when a boy gets sort of flirty I get all awkward and kill it. I don't know how to overcome this feeling of inadequacy! I guess growing up and being told you're just not good enough kind of is instilled in my head and I don't know how to get over it.

As I write this, all my girlfriends are out on this Friday night with their boyfriends, and I am at home, about to go work out. I guess I just feel lonely and like no one will ever like me for me. Im sorry for this ranting! Basically I am just asking you lovely ladies if any of you have had a similar experience, where you haven't really had the opportunity to date until older and how it worked out? I guess I just worry I will be forever alone. (dramatic, I know.) Im sorry if this is depressing. I just don't know where else to go with this topic. I'd go to my mom but since she was a size 2 in high school and would go on several dates a week, that doesn't really work out too well. When I try to talk to her about it she just doesn't understand and proceeds to say something must be wrong with me.

ANYWAY. any advice or words of wisdom on how to deal with this is muchly appreciated. Thanks
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:42 PM   #2
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I've had similar feelings in the past. My lack of self worth landed me in some pretty terrible relationships. I don't know what else to say other than hang in there. You are an amazing person. In time you will find someone. In the meantime, don't sell yourself short.
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Old 01-04-2013, 10:49 PM   #3
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I didn't get my first kiss until I was 22, and my first boyfriend until 23. The first time I got hit on, I was 19, and it was my cab driver in NYC. I didn't know what to do, and it got kinda awkward, and he became upset with me Talk about a funny experience looking back

I had zero confidence in highschool and after I graduated, worried about having no experience, and thinking how embarassing it would be to explain to someone I was interested in. So for that reason it took me awhile to accept any sort of date I was asked out on...My first boyfriend was very supportive and understanding of this, and was pacient enough to take it slow with me.

Even now I'm still a little shy with the whole dating thing but the current guy i'm hanging out with is also very supportive and pacient with me. And finds my inexperience cute

It takes a little while to get over that awkwardness but theres no other way then to put yourself out there. Fake confidence until it becomes real. Take chances. You deserve to be happy.
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Old 01-04-2013, 11:02 PM   #4
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I can definitely relate. There is nothing wrong with you. I'm young enough to remember high school and currently work in a high school so I am surrounded by kids your age every day. I've watched many girls settle for any guy that shows interest and end up getting hurt in the end. You don't want a guy that likes you for your body, you want a guy that likes you for who you are. These guys are hard to find, especially in high school. This guy will be able to see past your struggles with flirting (which may not even occur if it's someone you feel comfortable around!) Keep your head up, focus on you, and things will eventually fall into place.
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Old 01-04-2013, 11:02 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieBug View Post
Basically I am just asking you lovely ladies if any of you have had a similar experience, where you haven't really had the opportunity to date until older and how it worked out?
Yes!!! I'm also quite tall (5'11"), and as a teenager I thought no boy would ever want me because of my height. I would wake up every morning and try to shrink myself by squeezing my vertebrae together.

I did not have a boyfriend until age 21. I was extremely concerned about it as a late teenager, but from where I'm sitting now -- age 55 -- it just doesn't matter! Some people get a later start, for a myriad of reasons. I know I didn't have the skill set to interest guys at a younger age, which is another way of saying I wasn't ready. I met my current (second) husband at age 37 and had my kids at 39 and 40, so I've been a late bloomer all the way.

I know it's not easy, but I suggest you not dwell on your lack of current boyfriends and focus on developing yourself. Spend your time doing things you enjoy and acquiring skills and experiences that will serve you throughout life. The rest will take care of itself sooner or later. Now that online dating has gone mainstream, people who may be less forthcoming and flirtatious have a lot more control over their dating lives as adults.

HTH Freelance
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:26 AM   #6
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My experience was pretty similar... I had no boyfriend and no guys even showed any interest in me at all in high school! I was also plagued by the "I'm not good enough" feelings and thought I'd never find anyone.

Of course this turned out to not be true! My best advice would be to take care of yourself and live your life to the fullest while you're single, most importantly have fun. Say yes to socialising and talk to guys with a view to being friends: this will help to improve your confidence over time
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:47 AM   #7
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I know it's not easy, but I suggest you not dwell on your lack of current boyfriends and focus on developing yourself. Spend your time doing things you enjoy and acquiring skills and experiences that will serve you throughout life. The rest will take care of itself sooner or later. Now that online dating has gone mainstream, people who may be less forthcoming and flirtatious have a lot more control over their dating lives as adults.
I think freelancemomma is on to something there.

FWIW, I didn't go on my first date until I was 26. And when my parents criticized me for being fat in my late teens and early 20s? I just handed it back to them - I had no control over my diet or healthcare and no knowledge base from which to choose healthy habits as a young child, after all. They got that ball rolling and didn't seem to feel the need to do anything about it until all those habits were inculcated, my problems had compounded, and I was old enough to blame. Calling them on their shortcomings always shut them down pretty fast.
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Old 01-05-2013, 02:08 AM   #8
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I was definitely in the same boat as you, not just in high school but in university as well. There were always guys I liked, but I never had the confidence to think anyone of them would like me. It's weird because I always had guy friends so I was comfortable around them, just not in that way!

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 20 or 21 and I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 25, he was a friend of mine and it came completely unexpected. And everything worked out for the best. We are currently engaged and I know he is the right guy for me. It didn't matter that I had no real relationships before him.

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about it too much. There is still a ton of time left for you and you never know when or where you'll find the right guy.
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Old 01-05-2013, 02:45 AM   #9
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I just wanted to offer you an internet hug...in high school I was only about 10 lbs lighter than you at 6'' shorter and didn't really get hassled by my friends and family about it. (Well, aside from my dad being an *** about it, but there were enough positive voices to make him stfu.) I can't imagine going through high school without a support base that's willing to accept that you're barely overweight.

I can't say that I relate especially well to your situation myself, but I have a taller friend (probably about 5'10'') who I thought was drop-dead gorgeous, but came into college having never had a boyfriend. Like you said, her height is probably a bit intimidating to guys and she's slow to warm up to people, so she comes across as very shy at first. Once she found her place at college and opened up some, the guys were lining up. Confidence is sexy. There's nothing wrong with you and you have plenty to offer the world. Remember that when you approach a guy or a guy approaches you and it'll make a huge difference. On the other hand, a little stuttering and awkwardness isn't the end of the world. I'm incredibly awkward, but it just so happens that my boyfriend is too, so somehow it worked out. I think I was pretty confident when I informed him that I was an adult, but still desperately wanted to see The Muppet Movie and wondered if he had any interest in Muppets...otherwise a line that dorky definitely wouldn't have worked.

One more thing to keep in mind: you're in high school. You'll have life experiences and won't even be the same person after a few years. I rarely interact with 99% of the people I went to high school with. Feel free to take chances, because honestly high school isn't nearly as important as it seems when you're actually living it. If you look silly making a move on a guy, no one's going to remember down the road a bit.

Keep your chin up! The right guy will come along eventually, and until then focus on being happy.
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Old 01-05-2013, 03:07 AM   #10
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One more thing to keep in mind: you're in high school. You'll have life experiences and won't even be the same person after a few years. I rarely interact with 99% of the people I went to high school with. Feel free to take chances, because honestly high school isn't nearly as important as it seems when you're actually living it. If you look silly making a move on a guy, no one's going to remember down the road a bit.
This is very true. Even though I had a "high school sweetheart" throughout my high school career, so many changes happen between the ages of 18-25. And like an earlier quote, just focus on yourself and not focusing on getting a boyfriend. Through my college experiences and through watching other girls at my college, boys avoid those who are desperate and flirty and gravitate to those girls who are looking for a good time and becoming friends first. The boys with come, trust me. Just be yourself and there will be a perfect guy who will want to have a relationship with you
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:24 PM   #11
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I didn't have my first make-out session with a guy until I was 18. I wasn't hit on much in high school, and when I was, I would push whatever guy it was away. After high school, I was scared to death to date anyone because of my inexperience. I'm now 24 and in a happy, long-term relationship. I can tell you that most high school and early twenties relationships are just learning experiences, and sometimes, heartbreak. I like the response by freelancemomma. Focus on growing yourself now. I teach at a high school, and so many of my students focus too much on the boys and drama instead of focusing on getting to know themselves and important personal growth. You still have all the time in the world for the rest.

And as far as the self-confidence issues? Screw them. Seriously. You don't have to live your life according to some one else's idea of beautiful. I know every child has the desire to please their parents, but you cannot let that desire and your parents' skewed ideas interrupt your own self-love. Sometimes parents tell us what we need to hear about ourselves, but this seems harsh. At your weight, you are still at a healthy bmi, though slightly towards the upper end. Still, it is very very unlikely your weight would affect your health. If it's merely that, aesthetically, you're not thin enough according to every one else, well... I think you need to take a look and see if you're really happy where you are, or if your unhappiness comes from the opinions of your family and friends. Just please don't be another girl who becomes a slave to the beauty standard of others. Rock yourself however you like yourself.
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:29 PM   #12
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I felt like that at 18! But now, at 30, I look back and thank my lucky stars that I didn't get caught up in boyfriends at that age!!! In high school, you bond with people because you're in the same school. Once you're out, you can bond with people who have the true things in common.

You are SO young, single, childless, the world is your oyster. One thing I did before I met my husband and have no regrets, was to travel around the world as a single girl. Have you thought of that? I went alone and had a blast. So many of my high school girl friends never did - they wouldn't leave their boyfriends, and they aren't even together now!
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Old 01-05-2013, 12:52 PM   #13
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I've watched many girls settle for any guy that shows interest and end up getting hurt in the end. You don't want a guy that likes you for your body, you want a guy that likes you for who you are. These guys are hard to find, especially in high school. This guy will be able to see past your struggles with flirting (which may not even occur if it's someone you feel comfortable around!)
This! Ugh, I wish now I spent more time on my studies in high school than on guys. Now that I'm older I see how guys come and go, but YOU are with YOU for the rest of your life.

Therefore, spending your time on yourself, your studies, what makes you happy and passionate in life right now is the most important thing - trust me, the guys will come! (and sometimes when they come you'll wish they hadn't, haha! just kidding, kinda of).
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:33 PM   #14
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Were u heavier before, cause your weight seems very proportioned to your height. My mom was always very judgmental too, I know it can be tough to try and be their ideal. Although I was thin in high school she always found something to critique. I am sorry your family does that to you. I think you may have to look to yourself for positive affirmation, which can be hard when your self esteem has taken a beating. Maybe once your views of yourself change you will find a nice boy. I find men like a confident woman. You are young anyway what is the rush, not many people find their sole mate in high school. U have plenty of time to find love, learn to love yourself first. I am still working on that one. Try and find friends that are positive too
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:41 PM   #15
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I had it pretty lucky. I met my longtime girlfriend in junior high and we were together until junior year when she moved away. Then I started college early and met my husband. I guess what worked for me was that I wasn't actively trying to meet someone. I was just myself at all times, wacky and weirs as I am, and those people that I share my heart with fell into place.

I'm still friends with her, and my husband is my best friend. They were friends before they were ever anything more. So find a few good friends and keep your heart wide open for anything that looks like a chance at happiness.

Like that Daniel Johnston song goes, "True love will find you in the end."
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