My name is Nika and i am new here!
please forgive me for my english because sometimes its funny - let me explain why and why i am here for everyone
Currently i am a freshman at my local university (i am in a third world country right now, its where im from, but i am living alone away from family now), and things could not be worse for me. The past 3 years have been absolutely the worst - i've gone through very many things most people havn't and never will (including a 'war') and it's been very difficult, and has resulted in me moving around 7+ times in the past 3 years. The last 1.5 year especially were my most difficult - it was my senior year (and all that blabla) and i was meant to be home with all my old friends, but my current economic and family and country situation worsened and i was forced to move and never got to see them, and now everyone is off in their own places! Since it's been so hard, i spiraled into really bad clinical depression and was circulating between therapists, aswell as being diagnosed with severe GERD and hypothyroidism. I am not taking any medication for the deppression because i wanted to 'deal' with it,a nd its been slow but its much better now. I am taking consistent medicine for my gerd but a couple months ago we suddenly had to move again, and so i have not been able to get my hypothyroidism medication (which i know would really help me with my weight loss
) also, my entire family is severely obese and has a range of diabetic and heart and blood pressure problems, so im fighting genetics too!
Anyway, I was almost always overweight, 3 years ago (before the mess) i dropped alot of weight suddenly ( i was always out partying and didnt eat much hehe) and was the lightest i ever was at around 120 pounds (i am 5'6) , and i LOVED it. i looked amazing. but then the issues came, and i lost alot of family and friends and i felt really alone + depression and my weight got really out of control.
As of this moment, i am the heaviest i have ever been at 160 pounds. I already have very bad self confidence and this doesnt help me at aaaallllllllll - i avoid mirrors at all costs now, and i'm even having trouble making new friends here
I am really sick of it. Im sick of looking in the mirror and getting disgusted and im sick of seeing old pictures of myself and crying, and i want to change. I've been trying to eat healthy and workout the last couple months but its been on and off, and i really hate
working out but after trying insanity for 3 weeks and dropping an insane amount of inches, i know its one major way itll work for me.
I cant really count calories here, its very difficult to. Alot of stuff comes directly from our local farms, and people here barely know what a calorie is. Packaged/processed food is hard to come by, and my family and i eat mostly freshly cooked things. The most 'processed' thing i eat is a whole wheat turkey sandwich from subway at my university cafeteria! (and the occasional mcdonalds shake when im stressed hehe)
Ive been trying to find a scale here to measure the grams of my food, but its really difficult, and everything is very different here, so counting calories is near impossible for me - so ive been just trying to stick with sensible eating i guess. Our meals usually consist of vegetables and rice or pasta with chicken or beef - that usually sums it up. Im an emotional eater though, and because of self confidence and school stress ive been binging on chocolate alot more
I also have a very bad relationship with water! I hate water. more than anything. drinking it makes me feel sick ! I dont drink tea, coffee, sodas, juices, or anything. Its just milk/water, and even then i dont drink alot. But ive been trying to force myself to because lately ive been extremely
dehydrated and feeling sick and sluggish, so thats a struggle.
i dont eat much at all. One meal a day usually, two if i have a very very long school day, but they usually total to around 800 calories. My issue is all the chocolate i binge on when im deppressed, otherwise im pretty sure id be really skinny haha. but my relationship with food isnt great either.
I have many goals:
- Drink more water (the recommended daily intake? which is i guess around 3 liters)
- Stop Emotional indulgence on sugary food/ milkshae
- I want to be able to run 5 miles without stopping!! (This is a major goal, because i cant run 2 minutes straight right now But an old friend of mine has been able to get to that goal and weight just DROPPED, so i want to get there too!)
- i want to be able to run at least 5 times a week!
- i want to be 110 pounds. I want to be skinny and feel beautiful and feel confident and sexy again. i really want that.
- i want to start today!!
but right now i am at:
- 0.25 liters of water a day if i push myself
- already had alot of chocolate today haha
- I guess around 0.15 miles? i can push myself to run 2 minutes at around 4mph so im not sure what distance that is i can run continuously without stopping
- I havnt run in along time. I wanted to go today but i was told that exercising after 7 pm doesnt even do anything :/ (its 8 pm now)
- 160 pounds. Ugh.
- Today's over...can i start tommorrow?
i also have a "mini" goal of being -20 pounds by my birthday (January 22)
im very lost. and overwhelmed.
i guess all im asking is for help, for advice, but mostly, for people to listen and to motivate me. That's really all i want.
Sorry for rambling. I just have no one to talk to here, i have no support, this forum i found was a blessing, i feel like i can let it all out now...